


Awakenings

by pebbles1971



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: (clearnly warned in chapter and can be skipped), (not fetishised), ADHD, ADHD!Sheppard, AU diverging timeline, Autism, Autistic!McKay, BDSM, Bittersweet Ending, Bondage, Brainwashing, But Mostly McShep, Canonical Character Death, Chains, Creepy Dom OMC, D/s exploration, Domestic Abuse History, Everything else is consensual, Fivesome - M/M/M/M/M, Gags, Getting Together, Impact Play, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, Kidnapping, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-binary character, Non-con from OMC, Polyamory, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Safe Sane and Consensual, Wordcount: 100.000-150.000, breaking up, ethical non-monogamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:40:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 114,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26883031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pebbles1971/pseuds/pebbles1971
Summary: ‘Hi, Mer McKay, PhD, PhD, autistic, genius, gender ambivalent, queer and kinky as fuck, compulsive over-sharer.’ He gave John the kind of firm handshake that was usually accompanied by words like “Gemma Radcliffe, CEO,” or “Matthew Smith, vice president.” The man was so open, so honest, so utterly without game or guile that John was almost charmed. But he was also completely thrown.
Relationships: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 119
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started off with me wanting to write some wholesome BDSM porn that doesn’t have the reader screaming “that’s not BDSM, it’s abuse!!” Into their screens. And then it got long and plotty and became a story about John Sheppard having a late-in-life sexual awakening with all the ups and downs that go with that. 
> 
> Set as an AU of my Older and Wiser verse, (though you don’t remotely have to have read that), in which McKay is autistic and non-binary, and Sheppard has ADHD. In this AU, McKay got an earlier autism diagnosis and is a lot more self-aware – this has a huge ripple effect on the entire timeline - major canon divergences happen. 
> 
> The story is mainly McShep but both are ethically non-monogamous. Play with other characters features, cannon and OMC, including (later) John/Ronon and (much later) John/Evan. All very safe, sane and consensual except for one total creep who shows up later in the story - clear warnings will be given in chapter.
> 
> Thank you to jdskeletion and notenuffcaffeine for their painstaking beta reading and helpful suggestions.
> 
> However tempting, I refuse to give in to calling this 50 Shades of McShep and anyway I hope this is the complete opposite of that problematic portrayal of BDSM. However, this is still *fantasy* not a how to manual - some improbable things will occur.
> 
> Content warning: McKay has a domestic abuse backstory which is mentioned and triggered in his encounter with the Asurans. John has a graphically described scene later in the story in which there are traumatic non-consensual elements (the chapter can be skipped), John has to deal with the aftermath of that. John has a ton of internalized homophobia and misogyny-based self-talk. More detailed warnings in-chapter. Please let me know if I've missed any warnings or important tags, I'm still new at this.

Mer McKay had made quite an impression on John Sheppard when they met. It was a couple of hours after John nearly got shot out of the Antarctic sky by a rogue drone, and a couple of hours before he discovered he had the Ancient gene by sitting somewhere he shouldn’t. He’d just signed a non-disclosure agreement, but as yet nobody had told him what it was for, although the word _aliens_ had come up.

John thought he was taking it all pretty well but laid back was his well-practiced default.

He was having a weird day already, but things were about to get a lot weirder. He was hanging out in a kind of storage area of the outpost he’d delivered the General to, waiting for someone to collect him, when this guy came in wearing a hideous orange fleece that clashed with his bright blue eyes. He was kind of handsome, lean waisted, broad shouldered, with slightly receding wavy hair that fell in an unruly way over his ears and forehead. 

But what John really noticed about him was the way he could feel the size of the man’s personality from all the way across the room. John gave him a hopeful smile, thinking maybe this was his rescuer. He hoped so, the guy seemed interesting, though why he thought that he couldn’t say.

To John’s relief, the guy strode right over to him, giving him an inquiring look and a tentative smile, which John returned warmly.

‘Hi, Mer McKay, PhD, PhD, autistic, genius, gender ambivalent, queer and kinky as fuck, compulsive over-sharer.’ He gave John the kind of firm handshake that was usually accompanied by words like “Gemma Radcliffe, CEO,” or “Matthew Smith, vice president.” The man was so open, so honest, so utterly without game or guile that John was almost charmed. But he was also completely thrown.

‘Erm . . .’ John gulped. ‘Hi?’ Then he remembered how introductions usually worked. ‘Major John Sheppard.’

‘Do you work here?’ Mer asked, giving John an appraising look that made his skin tingle.

‘Nope, just playing taxi service to the General.’

‘Oh – that was your fancy flying that saved the General from Carson’s ineptitude?’

‘That was me.’

‘The General’s dating my ex-wife, Sam,’ Mer said, apropos nothing John could fathom.

‘Oh, in that case I’m sorry, I guess?’

‘What? No! We’re all good friends. I helped save the General’s favourite Jaffa.’

‘Oh. I don’t know what one of those is,’ John said, nonplussed.

‘Ah, but you’re being read in, right? You signed the NDA?’

‘Yeah. Something about aliens.’ John still hadn’t begun to consider what he thought about that, so he probably came across quite cool about the whole thing, which secretly pleased him.

‘Oh, boy, are you in for some surprises!’ McKay was an excited counterpoint to John’s cool, and he liked it. ‘I hope I get to be a fly on that wall. Anyway, I meant thank you for saving my friend, and the boyfriend of someone I care about.’

‘Oh. In that case, you’re welcome.’ John gave Mer the real smile that he showed very few people – wondering why he felt so instantly warm towards this stranger. ‘Say, do you know where I could get a coffee round here?’ He’d figured the guy hadn’t come to collect him after all, but he was determined to be collected anyway.

Mer grinned back, ‘Oh, absolutely. _Coffee._ I was headed that way myself.’ There was an odd emphasis on the word coffee that John couldn’t make out, but he fell into step with the other man and was led not to the mess, but to a little private office where there was a tray, a kettle, a cafetière and proper coffee.

‘Oh my _god_ , I haven’t had real coffee for months!’ John said, breathing the aroma as Mer opened the foil packet.

‘I’m very particular about coffee. I have to be careful with stimulants, so when I do drink it, it had better be good.’

Mer fixed the cafetière, then turned around and gave John a curious look. ‘I’m, er, just going to let that sit for a bit. He gave John a much shyer smile than the one he’d given before.

John returned the smile again, not quite sure what was going on. ‘So, um, two PhDs makes you a scientist in this case, right?’

‘That’s right, astrophysicist, and one of the foremost experts, along with my ex, on . . . stuff that you’re going to find out about later today.’

‘Wanna give me the dust jacket spiel, seeing as I’m getting to read the book later?’

‘Okay . . . but if you go into shock, it’s on you – I just want to forewarn you that I’m not the guy to break things to someone gently.’

 _No shit._ ‘Hey, I just nearly got shot out of the sky by a glowy alien squid thing, I think the time for breaking it to me gently has passed. I managed not to faint or anything.’ John smirked, and Mer chuckled, and then poured them both coffees, handing one to John.

‘I still think you should be sitting down for this.’

Mer was right, sitting down was highly necessary when John found out that while he’d been fighting pointless, manufactured wars in the desert, the planet had been close to being taken over by aliens on several occasions. Wormholes, spaceships, travel to other planets . . . he had landed in the middle of a science fiction story and it was . . .

‘Fucking awesome,’ John could barely contain his glee.

‘I knew I liked you,’ Mer said, and John grinned at him again. John didn’t have many friends, but this guy definitely had potential.

‘So, do you ever get over to McMurdo?’ he asked, realising he didn’t know how he was going to see Mer again, and feeling suddenly worried about that.

‘Oh. Yeah, I’m over there quite a bit. Surprised we haven’t run into each other before, actually.’

‘Cool, maybe we can hang out sometime?’ John wasn’t usually this forward, and he’d just lost at least ten degrees of his cool, but he was pretty sure with this guy it wouldn’t matter.

‘I’d really like that.’ Mer looked down at his coffee cup, acting suddenly nervous. ‘Erm . . . do you play?’

John was thrown – what did Mer mean? And then it dawned on him. Oh.

‘Shit. I’m sorry. Have you been flirting? Have _I_ been flirting?’

 _Call me Major Oblivious,_ he thought, slightly bitterly. It wasn’t the first time John had found himself unconsciously flirting with someone . . . usually a male someone.

‘I’m straight, sorry,’ he confessed. ‘I mean . . . I’d really like to hang out, but . . .’ 

Mer looked at him, at first his face registered confusion, and then a growing smile. ‘Well, I finally met someone with a flirt radar worse than mine. Oblivious to your own flirting is a whole new level. But yeah, I’d still like to hang out with you, for a flyboy you’re kind of interesting.’

‘Oh, _thank you_ – for a geek you’re pretty tolerable, too,’ John grinned. ‘Hey, I play chess if that’s any good? When are you next over?’

‘Friday – I could see you in the mess around six?’

‘Yeah, six works for me. I’ll bring my set.’

‘Cool, it’s a – not date,’ Mer finished with a smirk. ‘Although I’ve got to say, Major, you being straight is the most improbable thing I’ve heard in a very long time, and now you know what I do for a living, you’ll understand there’s some stiff competition.’

John was desperately trying to ignore the way his cock had been stirring throughout this conversation, and how it twitched at this last comment. He had to admit, if only to himself, that Mer might be onto something. Maybe he had a _tiny_ bisexual streak and maybe there was a _slight_ attraction to McKay, but John was a military man, he liked women just fine, and some cans of worms just weren’t worth opening.

***

Mer was entirely respectful of John’s professed straightness, and John was _absolutely not_ disappointed at the lack of flirting in their growing friendship. They never did make that chess date, because life moved alarmingly fast, and before he could blink, John was living in another galaxy. Soon, John had other things to think about, having woken the wraith and shot his CO, which ordinarily would not have earned him a promotion to the top job, but life in Pegasus was anything but ordinary.

It didn’t take long for John to realise he liked Mer professionally as well as personally and needed him on the lead gate team. The man could be a little out there, sure, but he was also completely fearless and off-the-scale smart. He’d proved his bravery when he took the personal shield he and John had been tossing back and forth between them and went inside the energy creature to save the rest of them. His smarts he was proving every second of every day, keeping them all alive.

‘I want you to be on my team, McKay,’ John had learned not to pussy-foot around with Mer, the man didn’t have the patience for it.

Mer looked at John for a long time, quite a different kind of appraisal from what had happened the day they’d met.

‘Okay, here are my conditions. I’ll work with you if you’re not going to be ableist or queerphobic assholes.’

‘Okay . . .’

‘Number one – I’m deathly allergic to citrus – that’s not fodder for frat boy jokes, it’s life or death to me like a bullet or a bomb is to you. Everyone carries EpiPens and learns how to use them properly. If anyone drinks orange juice or peels citrus around me that’s the same fucking thing as pointing a loaded gun with the safety off to my head and should be treated as such. Are we clear?’

‘Crystal,’ John responded, wincing at how many times in his life he’s been dismissive of people with allergies. He’d never had it put to him quite like that.

‘Number two – I have hypoglycemia. This isn’t some made up condition the nerdy kid uses as an excuse to get out of stuff or eat too much. If I don’t keep my blood sugar up I get debilitating brain fog and headaches, the shakes, and at its worst I can vomit and/or pass out. I’m going to be no use to anyone if that happens. So if I say I need to eat, I need to eat. Obviously I always carry glucose tablets just in case, and you’ll notice I follow a low sugar, low alcohol diet in order to manage the condition, but if anyone takes the piss out of me for it, or is dismissive of it, or calls me a killjoy for not binging on cake and boozing, then we can’t work together.’

‘Okay. Hypoglycemia, need to keep your blood sugar up, got it.’

‘Number three – I have sensory issues . . .’ 

Mer reached for John’s hand. ‘May I?’ John nodded, mutely.

He grabbed John’s hand firmly and then ran his finger lightly along John’s forearm. John shivered from the touch, liking it too much. What the hell was going on here?

‘If you did that to me, Major – touched me lightly I mean – it would be painful. My autistic brain processes sensory information differently from other brains. Certain sensations that are normal to most folk are unbearable to me. So if anyone ever calls me overreacting or oversensitive just because what I’m experiencing is different from what they’re experiencing, I’m going to pack up my toys and go home.’

‘Mer, I didn’t know,’ Mer had let go of John’s hand and he found he missed its warmth. Suddenly he was putting things together about the man in front of him that he hadn’t realised. ‘That’s why you only eat in the mess when it’s quiet, isn’t it?’

Mer nodded. ‘My brain can’t filter one sound from another – I hear _everything_ and can’t tune it out.’

‘Hey, that sounds hard. And the touch thing . . . people brushing past you, casually touching you . . .’

‘Is hell, yes. On the other hand being tied up tightly and given a hard flogging is bliss, so there are compensations.’ Mer said it matter-of-factly, like he was talking about the weather, but John’s mouth just dropped open. The image that flashed through his brain was . . . hot.

Mer noted John’s open-mouth expression with a smirk, but then bulldozed on with his list as if there hadn’t just been a moment of . . . something.

‘Number four – I’m different, and I’m okay with that, and I choose to only be around other people who are okay with that. I need you to learn the difference between taking me down for being an arrogant fucker, which I often deserve, and expecting me to behave like neurotypical people just because there are more of them infesting the universe. If I get any of that US military bullshit where I do or wear something femme-coded and get the piss taken out of me or don’t know the correct social protocol and get shouted or sneered at, I’m just not playing. If you need me to do something a certain way, explain it to me clearly, if you don’t, take me as I am and we’ll get along just fine. Can you do that and get the rest of the team to do that?’

‘No ableist, queerphobic bullshit. You got it, McKay.’ John grinned. He was going to enjoy the hell out of working with this man. The weirdest thing? McKay felt more on John’s wavelength than a lot of people did . . . but what did that say about John?

*** 

Mer turned out to be an enormous asset to the team, and in one of their first away missions he’d kept his cool and saved all of them when the puddlejumper got stuck in the gate while John had an iratus bug sucking on his neck. Afterwards, John complimented him on his level-headedness.

‘Oh, I was terrified. I get claustrophobic, but I do this grounding and breathing thing and, well, it helps not to draw attention to myself when I’m feeling that way, because people just get stroppy and mean with me when I panic and that just makes it worse, so . . .’

John had no idea, he thought the man was as calm as it gets. Wow.

‘Are you okay now?’

‘Honestly? I wasn’t a big fan of seeing you die. Please don’t do that again?’ His voice was a little too earnest, and John felt a pang of . . . something.

But he just smirked at the other man, brushing it off. ‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ he drawled.

They went along like that, quickly becoming friends. John soon realised he could not only rely on Mer and Teyla to get their collective asses out of most situations, but in fact he was the weak link. He knew he was working way above his competency level, and suddenly his black mark, a thing he’d been shouldering resentment over for a while now, seemed a more fitting commentary on his military record than his current position. 

John was beginning not to sleep. His eating was kinda screwy too. It didn’t matter how you looked at it, he had brought the wraith down on the Athosian people by triggering the transmitter in Teyla’s locket, had woken the wraith from hibernation, had failed to rescue his CO, and had placed Teyla and her people under unfair suspicion when AR-1 continued to be tracked by their enemies.

Oh, and now he’d made a confirmed enemy of Sergeant Bates, who probably had as much respect for John’s command as he deserved.

And he really wasn’t sure how he hadn’t made an enemy of Teyla, but she continued to support him, and Elizabeth with that same quiet dignity, like she truly believed that at some point the Earthers were going to stop causing calamity and actually help the Pegasuns.

He really, really hoped that was true.

John had left the newly captured wraith in a holding cell and headed straight for his favourite pier. It was far enough out that a man could get drunk on ruus wine without his subordinates catching on. He had of course fetched McKay to abet him in this mission, even though Mer took tiny sips of the wine to John’s gulps.

‘I’m s’posed to know how to be a leader. Officer thing,’ John rambled, ‘but not much need for it alone in a cockpit. Which is the only place I ever wanted to be.’ 

‘Let me tell you something about leadership,’ Mer said to him, sounding oddly pompous. McKay was a cheap date; it really didn’t take more than a few sips to get him tipsy. It was kind of endearing.

‘Go on – you seem to have the leadership thing figured out.’ John wanted to hear this. McKay’s relationship with his people was curious. His scientists respected him but didn’t exactly like him. He was exacting, perfectionist, and although he delivered his feedback calmly and evenly it was often brutal. John had figured out early on that Mer was terrified of losing staff and this was his version of tough love. Slowly, the scientists were learning this too, were coming around to him, but for some he was a hard sell. He wasn’t popular in the labs, and he tended to eat alone at quiet times or with his off-world team.

‘Oh, I wish. But I find it difficult enough to have had to figure certain things out,’ Mer said candidly. ‘As far as I can tell, you can be the smartest, most competent person around and it doesn’t matter one damn bit. All that matters is that you sound sure of yourself and you have enough charisma, influence or plain old power that people will go along with you.’

‘That’s bleak, McKay. Real bleak,’ John slurred. ‘And this is supposed to help me exactly how?’

‘People will believe in you, Major. They’ll follow you automatically. You’re a good-looking, posh, white boy. You owe it to them to sound sure of yourself, even when you aren’t, because they need someone to have faith in.’

‘And when I’m wrong?’ John looked at the long drop beneath his dangling feet and suddenly felt as if he was going to fall.

‘Ah, well that’s the catch – you need to figure out how not to be.’

John looked into Mer’s eyes then and saw his own anxiety reflected there – of course, people looked to Mer way more than they looked to John, expected the impossible, really, and had it delivered so often it was becoming almost everyday. 

This whole situation was so far beyond any of them. John sidled a little closer to Mer, feeling comforted by the solid presence next to him. 

If he had to be right, then he needed to trust his team to steer him. That was all he had. They were all he had. And god, he wanted to cling to them – to Mer in particular, like he was the last piece of flotsam in a stormy sea.

Only what if underneath all his surety, Mer was just as out of his depth as John? 

***

‘Hey, Mer, they’re showing _A New Hope_ at movie night tonight – you coming?’ John dropped by the labs to ask his friend this a few days after their chat on the pier. He’d noticed something . . . off . . . about McKay since that night and was hoping a little R&R would help.

‘Wouldn’t miss it,’ Mer said, and John could see that schoolboy gleam in his face that the original _Star Wars_ still engendered. But there was something more complicated there too.

‘Cool. I’ll swing by your place just after nineteen forty-five.’ John couldn’t miss the way Mer’s face fell at that.

‘Er . . . can I meet you there?’ he said, looking unhappy about it. 

‘Mer, I always come by yours. It’s literally on my way. What gives?’ John tracked back to their drunken (at least on his part) conversation – had they fallen out without him realising?

Mer looked around the lab, making sure they were alone before speaking further. ‘I . . . don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be seen arriving with me tonight.’

 _What the fuck?_ ‘What does that even mean?’

‘It means, Major, that I’m feeling stifled in my closet and I’m planning on letting people see a bit more of who I am,’ Mer’s voice rose as he spoke, the emotion plain to see. ‘I don’t think it would be good for your career to be seen escorting a flaming queer to movie night, however innocently.’

John felt this like a punch to his gut. He wasn’t stupid, or oblivious – he could tell however Mer was planning on presenting himself, it was a big deal. The man was clearly nervous – but that anyone should have to walk through the world worrying about others not wanting to be seen with them? That brought out every fierce, protective part of John.

‘I’m picking you up,’ he said firmly.

Mer wavered, his blue eyes widening in a way that melted John around the edges. ‘Major, you don’t understand . . .’

‘No. _You_ don’t understand. There isn’t anything in the world that would stop me standing next to you.’ He felt oddly choked up. Mer wasn’t the first queer friend he’d had, not by a long way, and maybe one or two of them had thought John would be something more, and that hadn’t happened, but what _had_ happened was John not being an asshole to them or dropping them when life in service got tricky.

‘I . . .’ Mer looked as choked up as John felt, ‘. . . thank you,’ he said finally, his voice tinged with a sort of grateful resignation.

John wanted to reach out in that moment, touch the man in some way to prove his presence. He settled for a shoulder bump, but he meant more.

‘I’ll see you later,’ he said.

***

John couldn’t pretend he wasn’t curious about what he’d find on the other side of McKay’s door that night. “Flaming queer,” Mer had said, and John was imagining all sorts of kinky gear. Instead, what he saw left him completely without words and barely able to breathe.

He took in Mer’s apparel carefully – from the ankle-length, charcoal tube skirt over unlaced combat boots, all the way to hair casually held back with a grey-black band, that John eventually recognised as a piece of one of his own old, battle-ruined T-shirts. Mer’s face was oh-so-subtly made up, just enough to accentuate those great cheekbones and widen those piercing eyes. A tight black T-shirt with a ripped-open neck stretched across Mer’s broad shoulders and tight abs.

John had experienced such a variety of feelings around Mer McKay that he generally took new ones in his stride, but this was in another order of magnitude – he had the compelling urge to fall at Mer’s feet.

The power of it moved John – it was like seeing Mer in full focus for the first time, stripped of anything diminishing or diluting. Pure and breathtaking and _real._ Mer didn’t look like a woman or a man, and John noticed he was reluctant to apply any pronouns to his friend in this moment. 

This was Mer as Mer was supposed to be.

And then Mer hesitated, noting John’s silence with an anxious look. ‘Are you sure about this?’

‘Hell yes, McKay,’ John finally found the words to reassure his friend, ‘it’s going to be fine,’ he added, offering his friend a smile.

The people in Atlantis’ makeshift movie theatre had seen wormholes, wraith and the stars of another galaxy. An atypically dressed CSO wasn’t about to make anybody’s headlines. They joined Ford and Teyla in their usual seats at the back of the room. There had been looks as they walked through the space, but only gently curious, nothing that presented any judgement.

And then there was Ford.

‘You’re wearing a skirt,’ he said bluntly, his brain clearly struggling to process the fact.

‘How very observant of you,’ McKay responded drily, visibly tensing.

‘You look . . .’ Ford struggled for a moment to complete his sentence, looking across at Teyla as if for guidance. She fixed him with a frowning gaze. ‘. . . er, pretty?’

John snorted. He couldn’t help it. Only then Mer frowned at him and oh, he didn’t know how to dig himself out of this hole. The last thing John wanted to do was objectify someone just because they’d expressed something like femininity. But Ford’s comment was so far wide of the mark as to be ridiculous.

‘I do not understand, Major – Doctor McKay seems to have made a lot of effort to look so attractive, and you seem to be deriding this.’ Teyla said, her disapproving look switching from Ford to John.

‘Oh gods, no, that’s not . . . it’s just . . . _pretty_ , Ford? That’s not the right word for . . . I mean, I don’t want to be inappropriate . . .’ John couldn’t put sentences together, between the impact of Mer’s transformation and that little issue of John’s brain resisting the use of any pronoun for his friend, he could barely speak, and when he did, he was so relieved to find a pronoun that _worked_ that he forgot to censor the content at all.

‘What I mean is . . . you’re stunning, McKay. Completely stunning.’ He just wished he could make Mer see this compliment was describing more than just mere looks. It was about authenticity, courage, power. It blew John away. But he just didn’t have the words to say what he wanted to, and Mer looked endearingly thrown by his compliment.

Later, as they headed back to their quarters, John blurted out the question that had been burning in his head all evening.

‘McKay, I’m struggling to know what pronoun to use for you when you’re dressed like this.’

Mer glanced at him, his subtly made-up eyes widening in surprise.

‘I mean, it just doesn’t sit right, somehow, calling you “he”, but I don’t know if I’m being offensive. If I am, I’m sorry.’

‘No . . .’ Mer looked a mixture of bemused and relieved. ‘. . . it’s just, nobody seems to notice that about me. Or understand it. Only . . . well, it’s not just when I’m like this. It’s all the time. This is just me letting it show.’

Oh. Actually, that made sense, why Mer seemed that much more in focus when dressed like this.

‘Okay . . . so that means if “he” doesn’t fit you now, it never should.’ The enormity of that statement was more than a little overwhelming.

‘It doesn’t,’ Mer said, and his voice sounded sad, ‘but there’s not much to be done about that, because “she” doesn’t fit any better. So I put up with the thing I can’t change.’

‘Mer, that sounds . . . painful.’

‘Like wearing shoes that are half a size too small the whole damn time, yes. But not everything can be fixed. So, I consciously _choose_ “he” and find other ways to be myself when I can.’

‘I . . . I dunno what to say.’

‘Did you know, if we were Bengali, there wouldn’t even _be_ gendered pronouns? Can you imagine?’ Mer’s voice was wistful. John _could_ imagine. It would mean a kind of freedom for Mer.

‘Maybe one day we’ll figure that out in English, too.’

‘I mean, there is a gender-neutral pronoun, singular _they_ , but I don’t want to set myself up for the hurt of asking people to use it when they mostly won’t.’

‘I’d try,’ John said. ‘If you want that, I’d try.’

‘No.’ Mer was firm. ‘That’s not a battle I’m ready for. But thank you.’ He bumped his shoulder to John’s, an echo of John’s earlier gesture.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hoffans are kinky, Mer goes shopping for equipment, John is curious and some solo exploration happens . . .

John didn’t much like Chancellor Druhin and a lot of Hoffans he met seemed uptight, buttoned-up, but he’d learned a long time ago not to make up his mind about entire peoples based on the view he got from behind his uniform and gun.

‘Major, how would you feel about me taking off to make a little shopping trip while I’m here?’ McKay said to John a couple of days after their first arrival. While Carson was locked up in a lab with Perna, AR-1 had been shmoozing and politicking, hoping one of the more advanced people they had yet encountered were open to being allies. 

Elizabeth had arranged for all expedition members to receive a certain amount of spending money, in the form of a widely used coinage, given they were beginning to realise they may never have the opportunity to spend the generous amount of US dollars being paid into their accounts in another galaxy. John was endlessly fascinated by what people chose to spend their small income on.

‘We’re not splitting up – we have time to drop by the market if you like, though.’

McKay blushed. ‘Oh, er . . . well, okay, but actually I want to go to a specialist store I heard about.’

John raised one eyebrow, guessing already what that might mean, but refusing to back down and let Mer go off on his own.

‘Lead on, McKay,’ he smirked at his friend, hoping his own blush wasn’t visible.

Saleg’s Emporium was the most curious shop John had ever been in. It was clear that once upon a time it had been predominantly a working blacksmiths and leatherworks, so one side of the huge, open-plan store was given over to animal harnesses, feedstuffs and a variety of domestic ironwork. Customers bustled around without a glance at the _other_ side of the store, where the most spectacular array of sex equipment John could imagine was on show. It was being silently and casually perused by a variety of Hoffans, who were all as demure and proper-looking as any other John had yet encountered.

This, of course, was where McKay was headed, and John refused to let himself be awkward about it as he watched his friend explain what he required in excruciating detail to the shopkeeper, a diminutive woman with flaming red hair wrapped in a perfectly neat braided style, wrapped and pinned up high on her head. John didn’t exactly listen in – it was a big shop, and he’d stationed himself by the door, trying not to look like a killjoy. Still, the shop wasn’t really big enough for him not to keep catching words that filled him with curiosity and a growing amount of heat.

Teyla browsed the place with relaxed interest, picking up certain eyebrow-raising items and pondering them thoughtfully. Ford tried to look casual, meandering around the store but not allowing his eyes to rest anywhere. Occasionally, he glanced to John as if looking for a lead, and sometimes across at McKay, glances that were somewhat unsure and guarded.

John’s eyes, intent on avoiding watching McKay too closely as he picked up various alarming/enticing items and chatted to the seller, fell upon a fantastic array of dildos not far from him, and were caught. His skin heated up as he contemplated the selection. Just owning something like that could get a man thrown out of the service, but that didn’t change his curiosity _._ And out here in Pegasus, with no COs breathing over him looking for him to put a foot wrong it would almost be worth the risk.

But not at the expense of making such a blatant purchase in front of a marine under his command. It wouldn’t be fair on Ford.

Anyhow, he reminded himself that not all desires were worth pursuing. There was a reason he didn’t indulge this side of himself, just like he didn’t chase married women or 17 year olds or people under his command. Just because a person had a fantasy or attraction didn’t mean it had to be acted out.

But that still left John certain he could not just turn the faucet off on his fantasies. He gave up trying to be cool about all this, and stepped out of the front of the shop, breathing down cool air and willing the odd mixture of arousal and panic to lessen. In time, his team emerged, Both Teyla and Mer were carrying a variety of wooden boxes of varying sizes. Ford looked unimpressed.

That evening, back on Atlantis, Teyla appeared at John’s door carrying one of the boxes, a simple, smooth, thinly made packing box in a dark, almost black, wood.

‘I bought you a gift, Major. I realised you may not be able to buy such an item yourself because of your country’s odd rules. But I noticed your interest.’

John took the box, his hand not far from shaking, and opened it. Inside, along with a vial of oil, was a smooth black dildo, about the size of an average cock, with an extra three inches of broader, moulded handle, made with precision out of an unfamiliar but robust-looking material. He could feel his ears turning red and the rest of him following.

He really, really wanted it. But . . . what did it even mean that Teyla was giving him a _dildo_?

‘Teyla, I can’t accept this. It’s not appropriate, I’m sorry.’

‘Major,’ Teyla said firmly, ‘I recognise that such a gift is not the custom of your people, but I am Athosian, and this is an easy thing – it has no meaning but a friend wanting to make another friend happy. It is not an overture of something. It is simply a gesture meant in kindness.’

‘Oh.’ John’s heart eased a little when Teyla said this. What would it be like to live in a world where friends gave friends sex toys just because they thought it might make them happy? Where awkwardness and hang-ups and repression were unnecessary? He desperately wanted to live in such a world, and he supposed it might almost be possible. Earth was, after all, a long way away, despite its presence in the uniform he wore. ‘Well . . .’ he said hesitantly, unsure how to respond.

‘And I believe even among Earthers it is not the done thing to refuse a gift, but to pass it on or return it to the seller if unwanted?’ Teyla said firmly.

‘Okay. Then . . . thank you.’ John felt a wave of love for Teyla then – that she could so accurately have picked up both his longing and the barriers he faced and then risked scandalising his ridiculous American sensibilities to do this was beyond generous. Especially given what the expedition had recently put the Athosian people through. John tipped his head against hers and pressed a moment longer than usual, lost for words to express his recognition of what she had done.

***

John wasn’t about to start fucking men – honestly, he wasn’t in a position to be fucking anybody given his responsibilities – but maybe he was far enough from Earth that he could safely indulge some solo fantasies. Surely, if he got this little itch out of his system it wouldn’t grow into a bigger problem. The increasing strength of his feelings around McKay was no doubt just a symptom of repression. It was time he faced the fact that he had a bisexual streak that, once brought out into the light of day rather than looming in the shadows, would no doubt shrink to its proper size and seem more trivial and unimportant than it did right now.

There were layers and layers to explore, John realised. Things his body wanted that he’d never let himself try. Impulses – like the occasional desire to fall to his knees around Mer – that probably warranted examining. Most prominent right now, though, was something so basic he felt ridiculous about it. John had never let himself be fucked, not by a woman or a man, and he really couldn’t understand why for so long he’d resisted something that he could not pretend he didn’t desire.

Teyla’s gift sat tucked into the bottom of a holdall under his bed for weeks before he finally pulled it out one night at 25:47, when once again he’d had a little too much ruus wine. He’d been hanging out with McKay, as usual, and he almost couldn’t breathe for the crowded thoughts he knew he'd never put into words.

John let the tiniest amount from the vial of oil drip onto his fingers and rubbed them together. It felt machine-oil slick, frictionless. Okay, so this was the really good lube, and that was comforting. John wriggled onto his side and pulled one knee up so he could reach easily behind himself, and stroked across his asshole. The sensitivity of his skin there made him shiver. It wasn’t like he’d never touched himself there, but never for pleasure, never with this intention. It surprised him to find that a part of his body that til now had existed purely for function turned out to be so full of nerve endings.

John took his time, letting the slick glide of his finger around his hole create a building tease inside him. When he finally slipped a finger inside, he was already feeling a little desperate for it and oh, god, how had he got to the age of 37 without ever discovering how good this felt? Why had he denied himself this pleasure? It made no sense. It was just his body, he was alone, nobody could see, nobody here to tell him this was unmanly or gay or whatever crap people wanted to put onto him. 

He probed further, and sighed a little, wanting more, letting a second finger join the first and enjoying the slight burn that came with the wider penetration. He thought about going straight for the dildo so he could really feel the pain of it penetrating him, but this was his first time and he wanted to take it slow, enjoy the build-up.

After a few minutes of sliding and stretching and wondering at the intensity of this pleasure, he reached further inside of himself – thank god for being so flexible – and found his prostate.

‘Ohhhh, fuck!’ John exclaimed aloud, somewhat shocked at the intensity of the pleasure to be gained from massaging the little gland. How had he missed this? John felt a wave of sudden sadness and loss. He realised there were tears on his cheeks even as his body’s pleasure was intensifying. His cock was hard but he wasn’t interested in touching it. All he cared about were the feelings happening inside him. The longing that was being finally fulfilled spoke to an even deeper longing in him. His fingers massaging him felt great, and he wanted more of this, but not nearly as much as he desperately wanted to be fucked.

His fingers hastened as he slipped three, then four inside himself, careless of the burn, desperate to ready himself. He wiped the slick off his hands so he could grasp the smooth dildo, its moulded handle fitting his grip perfectly. He pushed it into himself a little too fast, quickly pulling it out and then sliding it back more slowly, feelings of pain and pleasure warring within him. 

John moaned, loudly, and despite the fact he was pretty sure his room was soundproofed, he shoved the back of his wrist into his mouth, biting down into the skin. That extra pain only served to arouse him more, and his imagination spun out into being gagged and hurt and fucked and he couldn’t help but think of Mer and all his fascinating kinks. The dildo felt great inside him, but there was no use pretending he didn’t wish it was a cock – Mer’s cock, fucking into him at a pace he had no control over, had to just take. A warm, strong body at his back, holding him, pinning him down.

His movements were hard and careless and desperate as he slid over onto his front, rutting against the bed as he pushed back onto the dildo. In just a few seconds his climax was shaking through him, leaving him more sated than he’d ever felt.

For a long moment, all John felt was relief. He’d done something he’d never allowed himself to do, and it was safe and he could move on with his life. He’d got it out of his system the smart way.

Except.

Even as his body lay happy and languid, flopped into the come-stained sheets, an ache of longing started up in John’s chest, and a sense of loneliness that went so far back it seemed almost eternal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He liked a lot of things. He was easygoing. That was his trademark – nothing ruffled him, nothing made him balk, nothing really got him too excited either, and that was okay by him. Life was a smooth ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: John does some more solo exploration - briefly but graphically described non-con master/slave fanfiction. Skip the second segment in this chapter if you don't want to read. Emetophobia warning for last section.

‘You know, you remind me a little of Julia Roberts in that movie,’ Mer said to John one evening as they trudged back to the gate after a successful trade negotiation in which John had laid on the usual charm, McKay had rolled his eyes in disgust, and the locals had somewhat fawned. ‘The one with Richard Gere,’ Mer clarified.

The evening was cool, crisp and bright, and the walk was leisurely. Ford and Teyla were ahead, far enough away for privacy. The marine and the Athosian talked easily together – they had an odd rapport for two such different people.

John wondered what Mer was getting at, feeling at once uncomfortable and intrigued. McKay always managed to stir things up for John in ways that John couldn’t quite fathom.

‘I remind you of a _hooker_?’ he replied, ready to be outraged.

‘Sex worker, please. What is this, a 1970s Private Eye novel?’ McKay rolled his eyes at John, and John remained confused. 

‘Julia Roberts . . . banging Richard Gere for pay . . . why?’ John said slowly and carefully, watching McKay’s face for a clue as to what he was on about. Mer’s frown transformed into realisation.

‘Oh, no, I mean not that movie – the other one. The one with the eggs.’

Okay, well that didn’t make any more sense.

‘Huh?’

‘The one where she doesn’t even know what eggs she likes,’ Mer said in his “well, duh” voice as if John would inevitably know the plot to a 90s chick flick. Except, of course, he did.

‘Oh. _Runaway Bride._ ’ John suddenly remembered having this exact same conversation with Nancy when they’d watched that movie, and it made his stomach lurch.

‘That’s it. Only with you I can’t decide – is it that you don’t really know what you like, or won’t really say? Because college football, ferris wheels, War and Peace? It’s all a bit generic, Major, and I’m not buying it.’ 

John trudged onwards quietly for some time, before finally saying, ‘who doesn’t like ferris wheels?’

‘Exactly my point,’ Mer said, with an air of smugness that made John kinda want to hit him.

***

_“is it that you don’t really know what you like, or won’t really say?”_

John thought about that more than he wanted to admit. He liked a lot of things. He was easygoing. That was his trademark – nothing ruffled him, nothing made him balk, nothing really got him too excited either, and that was okay by him. Life was a smooth ride.

Except, even thinking of the word “excited” made something pull up and spark inside his abdomen, sending a small thrill of want to his cock, and the signal had a glaring, neon nametag on it. 

Dr Meredith McKay.

John had worked so hard at not having preferences, at enjoying what was in front of him, what was easy. Nancy told him a zillion times that he liked the idea of her but there wasn’t anything really there for him, and she was right, but he’d been okay with that, it had been enough. Nothing excited him (other than going over 200 mph, that at least was truthful) so it didn’t matter that Nancy didn’t rev his engine. They had nice times. They had nice sex. It had all been . . . nice. 

He hadn’t really understood why it wasn’t enough for her, why she acted like he wasn’t there with her even on the increasingly rare occasions that he was physically in the same house.

But oh, fuck, if this was what he’d been supposed to be feeling all this time then maybe he was finally understanding how much he had been missing.

But John didn’t know enough about the territory he was in to make assumptions. Was he drawn to Mer because of his gender? Because he was kinky? Or just because he was Mer? John knew he had a lot to figure out.

On an obscure corner of the server, someone had very generously deposited a huge store of porn. It was mostly literature and still shots – there wasn’t the space for a bunch of videos tucked away like that – but Mer had once made a point of telling John about it and there was something in the way he said it that came across way more like “figure yourself out” than “I’m doing a bro a favour and telling you where the porn is”.

John soon discovered there was _a lot_ of fanfiction. He liked the Wormhole Extreme stuff, even if he knew it was a bit creepy that it was one step removed from being about his CO back on Earth. 

It didn’t take John long to recognise that he wasn’t that interested in stories where women were involved, and that wasn’t just because one of the women concerned was a representation of his friend’s ex-wife, Dr Samantha Carter.

He liked Kirk/Spock stuff too and tried not to think about why the military leader banging the science officer held a particular interest for him.

Over time, he couldn’t fail to draw two clear conclusions: first, it wasn’t just sex. The mushy stories did funny things to John’s heart. Feelings that were new and undeniable and nothing to do with his dick.

The second thing was, as time went on, he increasingly sought out the kinky content. He loved D/s, the more ridiculously extreme the better. Total control got him so hot he could barely think. He was somewhat disturbed that he was so painfully aroused and mesmerised by the idea of James T Kirk enslaved, in chains, owned, subjugated. 

He noticed, over time, he was much more into it when it was written from Kirk’s point of view, and the Captain was getting off from his position of submission. He didn’t get off from putting himself in the shoes of the Dominator at all. He began to wonder where the line was between this and what he wanted in reality, even though he recognised the non-consensual nature of some of the stories was only hot because it was purely fantasy.

In John’s favourite story, Jim was enslaved by mirror verse Spock, liberated from his burdens and reduced to a thing, there to fulfil Spock’s every whim. In one scene that John read over and over, a scene that never failed to quickly get him off, Spock pushed a leashed and cuffed Jim face-first over the back of the Captain’s chair.

Every detail seemed to come together to create a perfect storm of arousal for John. The leash, the restraint, the public arena with the other bridge crew carrying on with their work, unconcerned. Spock savagely pulling Kirk’s pants down, roughly removing the plug he kept in Jim constantly, replacing it instantly with his cock, leaving Jim no time to adjust. The hard slaps to Kirk’s ass as Spock thrust into him, unrelenting. The emotionless command to “take it” and not make a sound. The way Spock came, shuddering and soundless, and just shoved the plug back in and left Jim hunched over the chair, used and desperate for release but forbidden from coming without a command to do so.

John understood he (probably) didn’t want to be treated like that for real, but the fantasy was excruciatingly hot. 

He was finally understanding the word “vanilla” and how that word applied to everything in his life so far – Nancy, ferris wheels, football, women, the kinds of sex he’d always had may well be sensational for some, but not for him. Maybe some people really liked vanilla. But it really didn’t do it for John.

John couldn't hide from himself any longer. He didn’t fully understand what was happening to him, but if his world, if his sex life had been vanilla before, his palate was craving something else entirely.

***

John was failing fast now. Two of his marines shot in cold blood, fifty odd Genii soldiers dead and Mer _tortured,_ all because John had threatened the Manarians into giving them shelter. 

_No, John,_ he told himself during a particularly self-pitying solo date with the pier and another bottle of ruus wine, _you don’t make allies at the barrel of a gun, even when you’re desperate and worried about your own people._

Stupid, stupid.

It could have been so much worse, too. They really could have lost everything, including their leader, their CSO and their only way home. John couldn’t ignore any more the many ways in which he was completely inadequate for the role he found himself in. Weir was steadfast, McKay was brilliant, Bates was dogged, Grodin was wise and John? John was a total fucking liability. He was no more mature or diplomatic than the 25-year-old marine he’d led into threatening the Manarian leader. At least Ford had an excuse for being gung-ho and reckless.

It didn’t matter that the Manarians might well have been treacherous anyway. Well, that they’d already aligned themselves with the existing bully-boys in the galaxy and weren’t open to switching allegiances. Which, when John thought about it, made them the opposite of treacherous.

John knew he’d been everything that was wrong with how his countrymen conducted themselves with any nation that had inferior weaponry. Smarmy smile whilst waving his gun around and making veiled threats. He thought about McKay finding out what he’d done and he went cold all over, and then heated with shame. He took another swig and spat it out – he was about five minutes from hurling, and ten from passing out, and it wasn’t making him feel any better at all about what he’d done.

‘Hey,’ a voice came from behind him, the last one he wanted to hear right now. He needed not to blurt it all out, it would fuck their friendship if Mer knew what he did.

‘S’all my fault.’ He blurted it anyway. ‘I threatened the Manarians. Me n Ford. Bullied them into giving us shelter.’ _Fuck._ Ruus wine was the ultimate filter remover.

‘Yeah I figured,’ Mer said calmly. ‘You’re US military, it’s what they trained you to do and you did it well. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.’

John thought that maybe he’d just been insulted, but he was too drunk to be sure.

‘Weir shouldn’t have sent you,’ Mer concluded, a little of his own anger showing. ‘She should have gone herself.’

How did Mer do that? Let John off the hook instead of ripping him to shreds? It made John want to cry ugly tears.

‘I got you _tortured_ , McKay. Can you please just give me a hard time about it?’ The pier was beginning to sway like that storm was back, only John was fairly certain this time it was just the wine.

‘Will that make you feel any better?’

‘Yes,’ John answered honestly.

‘In that case no, I won’t,’ McKay said thoughtfully.

Clever fucking smug bastard. Always knew just what to say to come out on top. But then John thought about him, helpless in the face of Kolya’s knife, and his stomach turned.

The ruus wine only burned a little more coming up than going down. John leaned out over the edge, trying to miss his shoes.

‘Steady, Sheppard.’ McKay put his good arm around John’s shoulders, stabilising him while he emptied the contents of his stomach into the sea far below, trying not to think of the network of jagged cuts Kolya left on his friends’ arm. If Elizabeth hadn’t given up the information Kolya wanted, John wasn’t sure what would have happened. Mer’s high pain threshold and his ability to disconnect from his fear could have got him killed.

Mer’s strong arm felt comforting but John hated himself even more for getting comfort rather than giving it.

When John finally could breathe again, Mer heaved him to his feet.

‘Let’s get you to bed before you pass out,’ he said.

There was a blank where the walk back to the room should be, and the next think John knew, Mer was stripping John down to his boxers and pushing him down onto the bed and oh, this was the stuff of his fantasies, except his fantasies didn’t involve being forced to drink a glass of water and then put into the recovery position.

‘I’ll stay a bit, just make sure you’re going to be okay,’ Mer’s voice came from a distance as John drifted away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Hey,’ he said as the door swooshed open, and then he stopped in his tracks. Mer’s bed was strewn with . . . all sorts of kinky stuff, which Mer was carefully packing into a black hold-all. John’s eyes couldn’t rest on what was there, but they kept getting drawn back. There were ropes, something that looked suspiciously like a riding crop, a fucking big dildo that made his asshole twitch . . .

When they found the wrecked wraith supply ship John’s leadership started to look even more shaky.

‘Gall, Abrams, check it out, but be careful.’ John ordered when they found the wraith cocoons.

‘What? No, wait.’ Gall said, in a panic.

‘Where are you going?’ Abrams sounded equally scared.

John really didn’t have time for these annoying nerds, and he wanted to explore with his friend. This downed ship was sci-fi gold.

‘Well, the ship’s got to have a bridge,’ he said, ‘maybe we can get some useful intel.’

‘So you’re just leaving us here?’ Gall sounded pleading, and John couldn’t wait to get away from the whiny little man.

‘Major, can I just speak to you in private for a second?’ Mer was doing his blank face – that probably wasn’t good.

‘Sure, buddy, what’s up?’ They stepped far enough away from the other two to be out of earshot, but John noticed he kept his eye on Gall and Abrams.

‘Look,’ Mer took a deep breath. ‘You’re in charge in the field, I get that. But in this case I have a duty of care over my scientists, and you see, I’m not going to let them out of my sight. They’re not field trained, we don’t have full intel, that body wasn’t ten thousand years dead, and wraith _hibernate._ I’m not leaving my guys on their own, and that’s final.’

Mer lifted his chin that way he did when he was sure of something but didn’t expect to be believed. It was one of the few tells that his friend’s confidence wasn’t all it appeared.

A flood of thoughts ran through John’s brain. He had some vague idea that he was supposed to show his strength by insisting things went his way, but he didn’t have too much conviction on that score. He was supposed to be a leader, but he was a natural loner, and he knew he was pretty much screwing it all up here. But one skill he did have? Knowing who to trust. He trusted Teyla, and he trusted McKay. Any fool could see Mer was right and he was wrong.

‘Are you trying to say there could still be wraith alive down here?’

‘It would take an incredible source of power, but if they had it? They could hibernate between feeds and keep their . . . supplies . . . fresh for who knows how long?’

‘Okay you two, change of plan – we’re falling back to the jumper, gonna come back here with better security.’

It was only when, a few days later, a bigger and better-armed team were attacked by a half-starved wraith that John realised how close he’d come to leading them into disaster. The wraith was dispatched, the information gleaned from the downed ship was invaluable. 

Mer McKay kept saving the day and John’s crush was turning into something more solid – admiration and respect.

***

A few days after their thankfully uneventful mission to the Lagrangian Point Satellite and the downed ship, John popped by to see if Mer wanted to play chess. They were surprisingly well matched, and John enjoyed being able to watch Mer thinking. He enjoyed watching Mer do _anything_ if he was honest.

‘Hey,’ he said as the door swooshed open, and then he stopped in his tracks. Mer’s bed was strewn with . . . all sorts of kinky stuff, which Mer was carefully packing into a black hold-all. John’s eyes couldn’t rest on what was there, but they kept getting drawn back. There were ropes, something that looked suspiciously like a riding crop, a fucking big dildo that made his asshole twitch . . .

‘Erm, sorry, I’m interrupting,’ he said.

‘What?’ Mer looked puzzled until John gave a pointed look in the direction of the bed. ‘Oh, this. No, it’s okay, we’re not playing til later in his quarters. A hot marine – but you’re not allowed to ask who and I won’t tell,’ Mer smirked at this, he knew John didn’t care which of his men were gay.

John felt a flash of jealousy, though, at the thought of all Mer’s attention focused on someone else.

‘I, er . . . didn’t know you had a boyfriend,’ John said disingenuously. He knew damn well Mer hadn’t been a monk all these months (unlike John).

‘What?’ Mer looked confused and more than a little skeptical. ‘I don’t, he’s just a play partner.’ 

John was reluctant to admit he didn’t know what that meant, but Mer could clearly read his puzzled look.

‘I just do kinky stuff with my play partners. No romantic relationship.’

‘Partners.’ John said, stressing the _s._

‘Yes, I have five on Atlantis currently. It’s a bit of a limited pool, but thankfully, and perhaps unsurprisingly, there seems to be a bit of a correlation between “willing to go on a one-way trip to another galaxy” and “sexually adventurous kinkster” so I get by.’

John had slept with five women in his entire _life_ , and suddenly found himself out of his depth in this conversation. He fell silent, feeling awkward and stupid.

‘I don’t mind you being curious, John, I’m kind of an open book. What I can’t figure is if you’re vanilla and gawping at me like I’m a sideshow, or if you’re maybe a little kinkier yourself than you realised.’

Sometimes, it was like Mer was saying aloud the things most people only say in their heads. John didn’t want to admit just how much he loved that about his friend.

‘I, er . . .’ John just blushed. There was no way he was going to share the contents of his own head right now, although his dick would be answering for him if it grew any more.

‘Spare yourself, Sheppard, I wasn’t really looking for a response. But if you have questions, I’ll answer them for you.’ For all he was abrupt, there was a kind of gentleness in McKay’s voice.

‘I’m just . . . curious, like you said.’

‘About what happens? About what I like? What other people like?’ 

John just nodded to each of those.

‘It’s like science. We experiment. Try things out and see what happens. Sometimes toys are involved, more often than not, for me, restraints and some sort of pain. I’m a switch, I like giving and receiving. Tonight, I’m tying this marine up, spanking him and then fisting him.’ 

John looked at the broad, dexterous hands that were currently re-coiling a length of rope and went all the way hard. 

Mer, fortunately, seemed oblivious to John’s predicament, being focused on carefully winding the soft rope between hand and elbow.

‘Later in the week I’m planning to let one of the technicians put me into restraints and beat me with his belt, then fuck me hard. That’s pretty basic stuff – when I have more time and know a partner better, more intricate scenes can happen.’

John’s breath was hitching and he knew there was a visible bulge in his pants. He couldn’t look at Mer, but his eyes strayed to the bed, to what was still on display. Most of the stuff looked like it came from the store on Hoff. It was quite the haul. John had read enough stories to be able to imagine what could be done with a lot of it.

He glanced back to Mer just in time to catch his friend taking in John’s now quite visible erection. Mer’s blue eyes sparkled with a sort of amused curiosity. It was gentle and oddly sweet, and it scared the hell out of John more than the kinky gay sex talk did. He could feel his face flame, and he just wanted to wriggle out from under that gaze.

‘I’ve, er . . . got to go.’ He said, turning to the door.

‘John, wait.’ John found himself snapping to a stop like one of his basic training COs had given an order. That only turned him on even more, dammit. Mer stepped round him, giving him a gentle look.

‘John, it’s okay to get turned on by talking about sex. I’m not going to make a big deal about it. I’m not going to assume it means you want me. Nor am I going to jump you or anything.’ 

That so wasn’t what John was worried about, but the thought of Mer jumping him was the final straw. He stepped up close to his friend, recklessly ducking his head and pressing his lips to Mer’s, pressing his body close as he did so. 

He didn’t feel like he had any choice in the matter at all.

Mer responded, his lips warm, moist and agile. He put his hand on John’s shoulder and John reveled in its weight. The hand just rested there for a moment then tightened, and gently pushed him away. Mer unlocked their lips, held John at arm’s length, and drew breath.

‘Damn, you’re so impulsive, John, and I like everything carefully negotiated, in case you hadn’t noticed. Kissing without asking isn’t really on.’

‘I’m sorry,’ John felt abashed, and scared – he thought there was something between them, but if not, the implications were bad – was he harassing an unwilling colleague? Assaulting him? ‘I thought you . . .’

‘It’s ok. I like you, John. You didn’t read it wrong. But . . . do you even know what you’re looking for? We work together, for heaven’s sake. Can you . . . can you come back and talk to me when you know exactly what you want? Please?’

John nodded mutely, but in his head he was imploding. Talking? Yeah, that was never going to happen.

‘I’m gonna . . .’ he gestured towards the door. 

Mer sighed. ‘Okay, John.’

When John got back to his room, the door was barely closed before he had himself unzipped, licking his palm and fucking desperately into his own fist while thinking of Mer McKay inside of him . . . his cock, his hand, that fuck off big dildo, anything. In less than twenty seconds he was coming hard, unable to contain his shout of intense pleasure with an edge of pain.

He didn’t have word for how completely out of his depth he was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Major, we really need to talk,’ Mer had come to John’s room, but in his fantasies it didn’t go this way. Mer had his blank face on and that wasn’t a sign of anything good.

‘Major, we really need to talk,’ Mer had come to John’s room, but in his fantasies it didn’t go this way. Mer had his blank face on and that wasn’t a sign of anything good. And he called John “Major” – that meant work. It was a few weeks since Mer had told John to “come back and talk to me when you know what you want” and John had spent most of that time hoping Mer would talk to _him_ and help him figure it out, because he was drowning here.

‘Sure, buddy, come in,’ John said, trying to be as blank and neutral as McKay.

Mer came in and sat on John’s desk chair, carefully steepling his fingers and looking at John apprehensively. John sat on the bed, trying to make it easier, trying to look like he was still and present and listening when in reality he was jumpy and his mind was halfway out the door.

‘Major . . . John, we’re friends, aren’t we? I mean I’m not great at telling stuff like that, but I think we are.’

‘Yeah, Mer. We’re friends.’ John had quickly come to trust McKay with his life, he realised. The sexy thoughts were just somewhat inconvenient bonus material.

‘Okay, I’m going to try and say this right, but giving feedback isn’t my strong suit. First, positives, right? I like and admire you. I think you’ve been put in a ridiculous position and are doing an amazing job. That isn’t just bread for the feedback sandwich, I genuinely mean it.’

‘Thanks,’ said John. ‘I sense a but.’ John could feel himself tensing even more; the look on Mer’s face was stony enough for an execution.

‘Yeah. And it’s a big one.’ There was a hint of pain in his friend’s features.

‘Okay . . . shoot,’ John said, trying not to feel like he was genuinely in front of a firing squad.

‘So . . . basically. Er . . .’ McKay hesitated for too damn long. This couldn’t be good.

‘Spit it out, McKay,’ John ground out.

‘I’m afraid your impulsivity is going to get you or someone else killed,’ McKay blurted.

John reeled from that like he’d been punched, but Mer ploughed on. 

‘I think it’s a problem, I think it’s very specific. I suspect it gets worse when you’re under stress, because I’m seeing it more and more. It’s got me very, very worried. I wouldn’t be saying this otherwise, because I know it’s hard to hear. I don’t know what we can do about it out here, either – I’m guessing Carson doesn’t have a supply of Ritalin in his cabinets, but I needed to say it or I’ll hate myself if you or someone else got hurt because I stayed quiet.’

John was silent for a while, his mind whirring. He knew why Mer was saying this now, after he’d broken quarantine because he couldn’t stay still, trapped in the gym. 

He’d endangered the whole expedition, and he’d really fucked things up between him and Elizabeth. 

But John could think of a dozen other incidents that fit the same bill; waking the wraith and his black mark being the most outstanding of the list. It wasn’t like he hadn’t wondered about this himself, but he’d just batted the thought away.

‘You think I have ADHD,’ he sighed.

‘Yeah. I mean, what do I know, I’m a physicist, right? But I am neurodivergent and we have a thing that’s a bit like gaydar for other neuro-atypicals.’

 _And this is why we click_. John didn’t know whether to feel upset or relieved. He supposed having a tantrum would be the appropriate response, but the impulse wasn’t strong enough to follow through.

‘I’d be out of a job . . . you realise that, right?’

‘I’m not going to tell anyone. But promise me you’ll look into it? I’ll help, if you like. I’m pretty sure the stuff I do to avoid meltdowns could be useful for you too . . .’

John finally got a handle on what he was feeling, but he wasn’t happy about it. He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and he wanted Mer to comfort him, and he felt ridiculous and ashamed.

‘Do you hate me, John?’ Mer asked, more uncertain than John had ever heard him. ‘I’m sorry, I had to . . .’

‘I don’t hate you,’ John said, his voice breaking. He had the impulse to run away and he was damn well gonna follow it. 

Only when he was down the hall and in the transporter did he remember it was _his_ room.

***

This was going to be the hardest conversation John had ever had. He asked Teyla to be there, because he trusted Teyla and she might be able to help.

And Mer, of course.

They found a quiet meeting room and John thought the doors to locked. He still got a kick out of that even after being in Atlantis for months. It reminded him he had something to offer this expedition even if it was only his stupid gene.

There was, of course, his ability to surround himself with better people than he’d ever be, he considered, looking at the other two people in the room. McKay had his bright blue eyes on John with a look of worry. Teyla, as ever, seemed passive and dignified, but John didn’t fool himself for a minute that underneath Teyla was raging over the wraith and grieving for what John had inadvertently brought upon her people by picking up that amulet.

‘What is this about, John?’ Teyla inquired, after John had stared at his hands for a full five minutes.

‘I did some tests and some reading,’ he said, looking at Mer. ‘You were right. Can you . . .’ he gestured to Teyla, and then fell silent again.

‘Of course,’ Mer said, launching into an explanation of ADHD to an uncomprehending Teyla that if John hadn’t been so miserable might have been hilarious. 

Finally, Teyla grasped what he was saying, despite their cultural differences. ‘Oh, I knew John was fey, just not quite in the way you are, Mer. I see the many strengths and qualities being fey gives you both. But I do see this . . . impulsivity, this quickness. It helps John as a warrior, sometimes, but others it has the potential to be dangerous.’

John had heard Teyla use “fey” before, for a very wide umbrella of divergent people. It was a little close to “fairy”, the slur his dad had often used on him, but that made John warm to “fairy” more than reject “fey” – he loved the Athosians’ pragmatic, warm acceptance of divergence and queerness.

‘I need help,’ he said at last, earning shocked looks from both of them. John Sheppard asking for help was something of an anomaly. ‘I don’t want to get any more people killed because of this. I’ve brought so much down on your people, Teyla.’

‘John.’ Teyla said sternly, ‘you cannot be held responsible for picking up an amulet and activating it. You cannot be held responsible for the existence of a species as vile as the wraith. As for the rescue that woke the wraith, did you act impulsively, yes. Might there have been wiser courses, perhaps, but we cannot see all possible realities, we only have this one. If I do not blame you for the deaths of my people and the waking of the wraith, it seems foolish for you to burden yourself so.’

‘And what about me nearly getting you killed when I broke quarantine?’

‘Oh, that, my friend, I do blame you for,’ she said with a wry smile. ‘And if you want help to hold yourself when this impulsivity strikes, I know just the thing. I will teach you meditation.’

Oh hell, no. There was no way John was going to learn to sit cross legged and breathe and clear his busy, busy mind.

‘I don’t think I’m well suited to meditation, Teyla. McKay, you said there were techniques you use to help with meltdowns?’

‘Uh-huh, but you won’t like them. Breathing exercises, grounding exercises, basic mindfulness techniques. Probably not that different from Teyla’s meditation.’

‘I’m never gonna be able to do that,’ John said, feeling defeated.

‘Well, Major Quitter, how about you say that _after_ you’ve tried? It’s not about sitting still for a half hour thinking about nothing, there are ways of adapting mindfulness to suit the brain it’s for. Like . . .’ he snapped his fingers and whirled his hands the way he always did when he had a brilliant idea, and John felt himself blush slightly at the mushy feelings of fondness this elicited. ‘. . . sparring! He continued, looking at Teyla excitedly. ‘Teyla, is there any way to turn sparring into meditation?’

‘Sparring _is_ meditation,’ Teyla assured him. ‘John, do you think you can manage to spar with me every day?’

‘I can do that,’ John acknowledged, though he didn’t understand how it would help.

‘Then Mer will join us, and we’ll weave grounding and breathing techniques into what we do. That way, when you’re in the field and preparing for fight, your body will also remember breathing and grounding and checking in with yourself when you have the impulse to act.’

‘And you have to go see Heightmeyer. I know she’s not the best therapist in the world but talking helps. If your impulsivity goes up when you’re stressed, we need to find ways of bringing it down.’

‘I hate fucking talking,’ John said.

‘So tell her that. If she’s any good at all, she’ll find alternatives for you. And if it just stresses you out more, then stop. But at least try, please?’

‘Okay,’ John conceded, privately thinking that Mer probably had much better techniques at his disposal for bringing his stress levels down, but he really didn’t know how to ask for them.

***

John hated to admit it, but the sparring with Teyla and the grounding and breathing that Mer wove into it was working. He was thinking more clearly in the field, planning better and reacting less.

Kate Heightmeyer was hopeless; she made _Deanna Troi_ look like a good counsellor. She tended to just put her head to one side and ask, “how do you _feel_ about that?” a whole bunch of times and refused to adapt to John’s inability to talk.

In the end, out of infuriation, John picked a topic and tried to talk about it. He picked his father. Turns out he had quite a lot to say and ranting about the old bastard was sort of cathartic. Sometimes, he could see little ways that those past hurts had formed him. Like how maybe being called a fairy so many times had made him join an institution that would “make a man out of him”, even if it had also pissed the old man off. 

That was a double win, if he was honest with himself.

Maybe being called a fairy so many times had also stopped John from seeing that he _was_ a complete fucking fairy and there’s nothing fucking wrong with that . . . he didn’t say to Kate.

John thought it was kind of sick that he was still trying to get the old man’s approval through a means that would never have worked, and that maybe was hurting him. He loved being in Atlantis, but actually? He didn’t think much of being in the military. It was great to be able to act the hero, and he loved flying, but mostly he got to do violent, morally dubious shit and suppress his soft side and his sexuality. John was realizing he must be bi because hey, he didn’t mind being with women and those crushes on guys only happened every few years. It wasn’t like he’d been perving on his men in the showers or anything, so he couldn’t be full-on gay, right? 

Another voice whispered, _or, you could be gay and not a creep, John._

None of this was said to Kate.

He never fessed up about the possible ADHD to Kate either, but remembering his childhood brought back all the ways in which he had been failing, not good enough. “why are you so damn clever and yet so damn useless?” his dad had said many times when John’s grades veered from top of the class to fail, depending on whether something could keep his attention. Then he thought about his PhD with pride, and the way he’d believed it would finally make his father see he wasn’t a failure. 

_‘This just proves what I said all along, John,’_ Patrick Sheppard had said, _‘brains come easy to you but you’re just too lazy to do anything with them.’_

Doing a PhD with ADHD had been mindbreakingly hard, even with his ability to hyperfocus on things that he was into, and his dad dismissed it like it was nothing. That’s when John had realised that nothing he ever did would win approval. 

And yet, that still hadn’t stopped him marrying Nancy.

Kate got the ADHD-redacted version of all this and continued to nod in the right places and ask how it made John feel.

But she did help John realise something important, and after one of the sessions he went straight to Elizabeth.

As he stood outside her doorway, he did the breathing and grounding thing and checked in with himself. Was this impulsivity? What he was about to do could change his life forever. But no, he’d never been surer of anything in his life.

‘Come in, John, what can I do for you?’

John scratched the back of his neck, tugging at the hairs at the base of his skull. Mer had informed him this was a stim. ‘Elizabeth, I want to talk about what happens to me if we make contact with Earth . . .’


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mer was fucking gorgeous like this, but not in the cliché way from sexist porn, where the guy puts on something feminine and immediately becomes sexually available and submissive. Mer was strong and powerful and so fucking real it did something weird to John’s chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: homophobic f-slur from Ford, period-typical institutionalised military homophobia, biphobia.

Mer never did rescue John from his inability to talk about what he wanted, and John didn’t get any closer to figuring it out by himself. He only knew he wanted Mer, and the feeling wasn’t going away. He could put it out of his mind in the field, but as soon as they were on base, he found himself watching McKay’s hands, his mouth, wondering what they’d feel like on his body.

Right now, it was 26:03 at night and the two of them were having beer on the pier. John was a little drunk on the yeasty brew they’d picked up on a pleasant little backwater planet where absolutely nothing happened. 

Mer was wearing his charcoal tube skirt over his combat boots, his boot-heels tapping on the wall of the pier, looking like nothing that had existed in John’s world before. He had on a low-necked black t-shirt that clung to his well-defined abs, broad shoulders and lean midriff. There may have been eyeliner, too, though it was subtle.

Mer was fucking gorgeous like this, but not in the cliché way from sexist porn, where the guy puts on something feminine and immediately becomes sexually available and submissive. Mer was strong and powerful and so fucking _real_ it did something weird to John’s chest. 

John’s feelings were getting out of hand. He desperately wanted to break past the deadlock they were in because he wouldn’t talk and Mer wouldn’t do anything til he did. But of course, he had no idea if his feelings were returned, he just knew that Mer was interested in _something_ . . .

John was wishing he could start that conversation, and suddenly he figured he might know a way to get _Mer_ to start the conversation for him, underhanded though it was. He reached across, planting his hand firmly on Mer’s thigh (no light touch, he wouldn’t forget that).

The fact that Mer was wearing a skirt somehow made it doubly creepy, and John instantly regretted the move.

‘Oh for fuck’s sake, Sheppard!’ Mer was considerably more sober as usual, and this was the reaction John expected, once he’d thought (too late) past his own impulsivity. Mer picked John’s hand carefully off his thigh, placing it on John’s own with a little squeeze that came across as both exasperated and affectionate.

‘I think I made myself clear. I need to _talk_ before anything happens. It’s not hard.’

‘Says you,’ John mumbled resentfully.

Mer was pulled up short by that. ‘Oh, am I being ableist here? Assuming because I can do something, everyone can? If so, I’m sorry. But I can’t cross my own boundaries, John, I need to know what it is that’s going on here.’

‘Okay,’ John responded, but he couldn’t work out what to say next. He was a tad drunk, and a little afraid, and he really wanted a hug, and he wasn’t about to say any of those things. He suspected he might have more . . . feelings . . . for the person next to him than he wanted to admit. He wasn’t going to say that, either.

‘Can you manage one-word answers?’ Mer asked eventually with another frustrated sigh. 

John nodded.

‘Okay then. Let’s establish one thing – you’re coming onto me, right? I’ve been known to get that wrong, as you know.’

John nodded, again. He could feel his ears going pink, but he hoped they couldn’t be seen in the dark.

‘Right, well the thing I need to know is . . . do you want to play with me, or do you want something more?’

Fuck. That was the one question John really didn’t want to answer. Was there an option for play now, more later? He had so many questions. He didn’t even know what “something more” looked like, but his heart was whispering _that, yes, that please_. Did Mer even date? John remembered him saying he wasn’t terribly good at it, that playing came easier to him. And play was what Mer had put on the table when they first met. Maybe it was better to stick on safer ground.

‘Er . . . play?’ he said finally, even as something at the back of his brain shrieked _“liar, liar!”_

‘Okay,’ Mer said neutrally, ‘can I think about that a while?’

‘Sure,’ John said, his chest tightening. _I’ll just be over here not breathing._

Mer sipped the one beer he’d been making last all night and stared out to the ocean, looking contemplative, like he did when he was writing those fantastic equations on his whiteboard – the ones John spent hours secretly figuring out. A good twenty minutes passed in silence, and John felt like he was waiting for someone to pass sentence.

‘I’m sorry,’ Mer sighed, finally speaking. ‘I can’t. I’m sorry.’ 

Suddenly John wanted to go back to the twenty minutes of waiting, because if that was excruciating, this was absolutely _crushing._

‘S’okay,’ he slurred, not sure if he was remotely convincing.

‘Look, John, you’re the hottest guy in Atlantis, and obviously I’m immensely flattered by this, but we work together and we’re friends and I just think it would be messy if we played. Especially with you being new to it.

Fucking _ouch._ Was that the real problem here? That John didn’t know what he was doing?

Mer was talking on about how much their friendship meant or something or other, but John really couldn’t hear any more. His ears were ringing, his head was light, and he wasn’t at all sure if it was the alcohol or a panic attack or a wicked combination of the two.

*** 

Listening to Allina’s sighs of pleasure from the next room was perhaps one of John’s least favourite experiences, honestly up there with meeting the Wraith Queen or being fed on by an iratus bug. Mer had charmed the pants off Allina with the same sexual confidence John had seen at their first meeting. Seeing it from outside, John could tell how practiced it was, but it wasn’t insincere.

The deeper sighs between Allina’s moans weren’t insincere either. They were sounds John had been wanting to hear for a while, just not this way. John had never been so miserable or so turned on in his life. Alone in his sleeping bag he furtively jerked off into his hand, licking it clean afterwards to hide the evidence and feeling gross and desperately lonely.

He couldn’t even accuse Mer of being insensitive to him; given the way he’d gone after Chaya, John was giving a good impression of having moved on. It was bullshit, but that’s how it probably looked.

He liked to think Mer had been a little jealous of Chaya, but that may have been wishful thinking.

He was off his game the next day and decided to stay above ground and out of Mer’s way while the two lovebirds solved the puzzle of where the ninth stone was, that would lead them, they hoped, to a ZPM. The day was bright but cool, and the breeze blew away the tendrils of misery he’d woken up with.

‘Not much sleep last night, Major?’ Ford asked with a grin.

‘Something like that, Lieutenant,’ John responded non-committally.

‘I don’t get it,’ Ford said, ‘he’s a fag, right? Why did he go with a woman?’

John stiffened. The word was like ice water down his back. ‘Use that word again, Ford, and you’ll be on report.’

‘Yes sir. Sorry, sir. I meant no harm by it.’

John believed him. He was pretty sure Ford would like to think he was a good guy, was open minded. Slurs like that were thrown around so casually in the military he probably didn’t even think about it, even if things were different in the SGC than elsewhere. He worked for an organisation where you could be thrown in Leavenworth for being gay or bi, after all. Words like this had been the wallpaper to John’s life as long as he could remember, and they would be normalised for Ford too. It was easy to challenge the f-slur when it was directed at Mer, but John's stomach lurched at the thought that it might start being directed at _him._

‘I know you didn’t.’ John conceded. ‘But do better. Because words like that are harmful whether you mean them to be or not.’ He tried to ignore the way his breath ran out before he got to the end of that sentence.

‘Yes sir.’

‘And McKay’s bisexual, not gay. He likes women just fine.’

‘If he likes women, why would he go with guys?’ Ford looked genuinely perplexed.

‘Because he likes guys too? What’s hard here, Ford?’

Ford shrugged, lost for an answer to that.

‘I want you to book yourself on the next session of sensitivity training with Heightmeyer,’ John said gently but firmly. ‘If that doesn’t take, I’m going to get Teyla to beat it into you with bantos sticks, so make sure it does, Lieutenant.’

Ford looked genuinely abashed, and the silence between them drew out for so long that John was almost relieved when the sleep-dart hit Ford in the neck. John dropped fast, a second dart zipping over his head. Ford sank to the ground next to him, the little dart clutched in his hand. But then he opened his eyes and winked.

‘Good man,’ John muttered. He touched his earpiece. ‘Are you guys asleep? We’re under attack here!’

‘Sorry sir, nothing’s come through the gate – on our way,’ Sanghera’s voice came over the com. John offered up a silent prayer of thanks to McKay for the grounding exercises. Before this mission, John had put them to good use, thinking carefully through his plans. A ZPM was worth bringing reinforcements – he couldn’t quite believe he’d nearly overlooked the extra security.

Just then, a bullet ricocheted off the descender. John had their attackers in his P90 sights in less than a second.

_Fucking Kolya._

Genii weapons were hopelessly inaccurate, and two more shots went wide. John wasn’t going to rely on luck, though. He shot the weapon out of the Genii marksman’s hand and shouted out:

‘We have the advantage! Lay down your weapons!’

‘Forget it, Sheppard! There’s six of us and two of you! And we have cover!’ Kolya hollered back.

In response to that, John shot another weapon out of the Genii’s hands. Where was Sanghera?

‘How about we have a chat about this like civilised people?’ John shouted out.

‘How about you lay down _your_ weapons, and then we’ll talk?’ Kolya responded drily. John could feel his blood boiling, remembering the storm and Kolya’s torture of McKay. He tried to get the man in his sights but Kolya was too good at staying covered.

He tried a shot anyway, but it bounced off an invisible barrier that had inserted itself into the line of fire.

‘Bout time!’ John said into the radio. ‘How about _you_ put down _your_ weapons, Kolya?’

The jumper materialised, and the Genii put down their guns. The burly gate team leader Lt Sanghera and two team members disembarked and started to cuff Kolya’s men. John left a woozy Ford and headed over.

Sanghera made to restrain Kolya and of _course_ he resisted, swinging for her and landing a heavy punch. The marine knew how to handle herself, flinging herself back at Kolya with determined efficiency. Inspired by their leader, the other Pegasuns began to resist. John broke into a run to assist the marines. 

One of the Genii evaded Sergeant Perez and grabbed Sanghera from behind. Kolya pulled free and reached for something inside his coat. A knife. He lunged for Sanghera, a murderous look on his face, and John had no choice but to take the shot. At least, that’s what he told himself in the heat of the moment.

Kolya fell. Sanghera pulled the other man over her shoulder and pinned him. Her team quickly overpowered the other men.

John made it to the tree-line and looked down at Kolya’s lifeless, staring eyes. The rush of satisfaction he experienced at the man’s death was quickly followed by a wave of self-loathing.

***

Mer was watching Allina with a frown on his face that troubled John. The two of them had finally figured out where the last stone was. Sanghera’s team remained on guard in the jumper, Ford sat in the corner of the excavated room, a little woozy from the dart. Teyla sat with him, watching him like a momma cat.

All they had to do was figure out how to arrange the stones. But the atmosphere between Allina and Mer was deteriorating, and John was pissed that McKay might have jeopardised the mission with his dalliance. His annoyance was of course _entirely_ for professional reasons.

‘What gives, McKay? Trouble in paradise?’

‘What?’

‘You and Allina – you’re not giving off that blissed out morning-after vibe, even though everyone here knows you both had a great time last night.’ Ouch, he hadn’t meant that to come out as accusatory.

‘They do? Oh. Oh gosh, I’m sorry.’ John had thought Mer was completely shameless, but the scientist was blushing.

‘Hey, it sounded like fun,’ he relented. ‘So why the scowls?’

‘I heard her talking. John, they don’t want us to have the ZedPM. And they don’t trust us since the jumper appeared – we didn’t exactly tell them it was there. I think they’ll try and take the ZedPM off us and hide it again.’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake. I wanna respect their religious beliefs and all but seriously? What’s the point of a ZPM in hiding anyway?’

‘Well, quite. But you know what this means, right?’

‘It means when the time comes, we either respect their religious beliefs about what’s effectively a high-powered battery, or we rob another culture’s sacred artifact like the descendants of Europeans that we are?’

‘Or, you know, we could get Elizabeth over here to negotiate?’

‘Oh. Yeah, we could do that.’ John felt kind of stupid for a second, but then he brightened. ‘Let’s get the ZPM first, though – I’ve figured out the puzzle.’

He arranged the stones and went to put his hands in the imprints on either side. 

‘Wait!’ Mer said, ‘it might be boobytrapped!’

John rolled his eyes. ‘Why would someone boobytrap something in a way that anyone, ally or wraith, could work out or get wrong? That makes absolutely no sense.’

‘You’re right . . . I guess? But wackier things have happened where Ancients are concerned. At least tell me your thinking?’

‘It’s a magic square, McKay, it’s pretty straightforward given they’re the Brotherhood of Fifteen.’

‘Oh yeah.’ Mer’s face looked somewhat chagrined not to have thought of this himself. ‘But wait a sec, how did _you_ know that?’ His level of surprise was seriously fucking insulting.

No way was John gonna tell him about the Mensa test. He was hiding that and the PhD because if people thought he was smart, he let them down with his (ADHD-related?) inconsistency, if people thought he was stupid, he could sometimes surprise them. Instead he shrugged.

‘Just did.’

He could tell it was blowing McKay’s mind that he figured out something Mer didn’t, and he loved every minute of that. Then he caught something in Mer’s look that he couldn’t read, but it puzzled him. He never knew what the guy was really thinking.

He didn’t have time to figure it now. He put his hands into the handprints and took a breath. No booby-traps, just a hiss, and out from the wall popped a real live fucking ZPM.

Weirdly, Mer wasn’t looking at the ZPM, though, he was looking at Allina, and that was enough for John to bring his attention to the woman too as she made a move for his gun. He grabbed her wrist with one hand as Mer grabbed the other. Allina struggled between them, looking furious.

‘Listen, Allina, we’re gonna talk this through with you, negotiate for use of the _potentia_ in the way the Ancestors would have wanted,’ John tried to reassure her. ‘Let’s try and get along, hey?’

Allina sagged and nodded. 

They radioed back to Atlantis to get Elizabeth to negotiate, and that’s when they found out the city had been attacked, Smith and Markham were dead, and three wraith hives were two weeks away.

Thank fuck they had a ZPM, or they’d be screwed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John really has a lot to learn about crossing Mer's boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for autism stereotypes and Mer having a bad meltdown, involving self-injurious stimming.

Senior staff meetings were odd now, because John knew it wasn’t going to be his place to be here much longer. They were back in touch with Earth and the new CO, some guy called Colonel Evan Lorne, was heading their way on the _Deadalus_ to take command. John didn’t really know what was in store for him but didn’t mind so much. Change was good. The others seemed sad, though, and contact from Earth was unsettling them as much as comforting them.

‘Plans for the wraith attack,’ Elizabeth read off her agenda. ‘What’s our status?’

They were moderately secure now, with the shield up, but once the wraith arrived, it wouldn’t hold forever. But the _Daedalus_ was bringing a bunch of nukes, and John, Mer and Radek had come up with an outrageous, but feasible plan. They were going to bluff blowing up the city, and instead cloak it. Using Teyla’s connection to the Wraith (and wasn’t _that_ taking a little getting used to) to convince them of their intent, they would rig the city with a cloak modified from the jumpers, and make it disappear.

‘I’m still worried about how much the wraith bombardment will tax the ZedPM,’ Mer said, ‘I think we should continue to keep a team thinking of alternatives. I agree my idea about getting the Lagrangian Point satellite operational is too risky. But I think we should focus on a way of making the city disappear sooner than the _Daedalus_ arrives.’

Mer’s oh so smart blue eyes met John’s, and they simultaneously eyerolled. John would miss this telepathy the two of them had.

‘We should fly her!’ exclaimed John.

‘We should use the stardrive!’ said Mer at the same time, snapping his fingers.

‘Can you do that?’ Elizabeth asked, surprised. 

‘I’m quite optimistic, actually.’ Mer responded, ‘we have more than enough power.’

‘Okay,’ Elizabeth said, ‘Make it so.’

Everyone around the table, even Teyla, who’d been geek-initiated by Mer and John, smirked at this.

‘What?’ Elizabeth said with a wry smile, ‘I’ve always wanted to say that.’

‘Well, you do have the red uniform, after all . . .’ John smiled.

*** 

He was flying a city the size of Manhattan through _space._ As a finale to his flyboy career, this was epic. John always got a semi when he flew but honestly, he was glad he was alone in the room – his enjoyment was more than visible.

They’d found a planet on the database that had a balmy climate, near-earth gravity and, John’s favourite part, twenty-three-hour days. Not enough hours in a day would be bliss after the too many hours in the day of Lantea – the extra time had messed with everyone’s sleep and mental health.

Mer had got the stardrive ready so quickly that the wraith were still over a week away, and the Daedalus was still in the Milky Way, so could be easily redirected.

To bring the man who was taking over John’s job so he could finally retire from the institution that had failed to make a “proper” man out of him, whatever the hell one of those was. 

He did feel some sadness. There was a lot to let go of, but he was also filled with relief.

They settled in orbit of the planet probably about to be designated New Lantea, scanning the surface and weather systems, assessing where best to set down. Leave that to the geographers. John had been on duty for thirty hours and he should really sleep, but he was buzzing. He went to see McKay, who’d been up as long as he had and also ordered to rest.

Mer’s door didn’t open for him, and he wondered with the usual pang of jealousy if Mer was entertaining. He was about to turn tail when the door finally swished open and a voice from inside said grumpily ‘come the fuck in.’

_Uh-oh._

‘Hey McKay, what’s eating you?’ John said, bracing himself. Mer was sat at his desk, laptop open, shoulders tense, not looking at John.

‘You’re fucking leaving and you didn’t tell me!’ Mer said accusingly. ‘We’re supposed to be friends.’

‘I am? That’s the first I’ve heard of it.’

‘Don’t fuck with me Maj – _Mister._ You resigned your commission.’ Now those blue eyes were on him, their accusing look skewering John painfully.

‘I did. So that’s _Doctor_ , if you please, and I’m not leaving.’ Mer’s eyes went gratifyingly wide but he said nothing in response to John’s not-so-casually dropped title. ‘I asked Elizabeth to give me a civilian job, before we even made contact with Earth. She said yes. Dunno what it’ll be yet, but Mer, I really don’t wanna go anywhere. I think we both can see my future in the military wasn’t looking bright, though.’

John watched Mar recalibrate, emotions flitting across his face like clouds in a stormy sky.

‘Did I make you doubt yourself?’ Mer looked worried now. ‘Because you’ve done an amazing job, and I acted like you were a liability. I’m sorry.’

‘You made me _see_ myself, Mer. This isn’t about my ADHD, this is about stuff I talked to Heightmeyer about, and other stuff I didn’t talk to her about but went around my head anyhow. I guess maybe she was a little useful after all. It’s about why I joined the military in the first place and my bullshit relationship with my father and other stuff I won’t bore you with.’

‘No John, I _want_ to be bored.’ Mer said, before he realised what he said, ‘shit, no, I mean I want to hear, you won’t bore me.’

John just smiled at his friend. ‘Another time, McKay, I’ve been up for thirty-odd hours and I could do with some shut-eye. I just wanted to see how you were doing.’

‘Like someone else who’s been up for . . . forty-three hours, actually . . . and who’s taken quite a lot of stimulants.’

‘Shit. Are you gonna be okay? Do you need to see Carson?’ Why couldn’t Mer have left Zelenka on support while John flew the city? He felt suddenly warm knowing his friend had been keeping watch over him the whole time.

‘It’s nothing that a few endorphins can’t sort out. If I can’t take myself back down, I might just get hold of my tech.’

‘Can I . . . er . . . help?’ John offered, knowing it was against the rules, but too tired to care. He suddenly wanted to crawl into bed with Mer so badly it almost hurt.

But Mer’s face went stony. ‘Why do you have to be such a pushy bastard, Sheppard? Can you not just take no for an answer? Did I not make my feelings clear that night on the pier?’

John’s anger flashed at this hard rejection. ‘You don’t have any feelings! You’re a fucking robot!’ 

He hated himself the moment the words were out. Damn his impulsiveness, but it messed with his head, how in control Mer always was.

As if to prove his point, Mer didn’t respond. His face just went stonier, and he got up and stalked into his bathroom and shut the door. John just stood there, not knowing what to do, not wanting to leave. Minutes went by, and John was beginning to realise he’d been coldly dismissed. Then he heard something in the bathroom, a weird thump and a whimper. He went to the door, and he could hear more faint sounds, he couldn’t identify them, but they didn’t sound good.

‘Mer? Are you okay?’ John called. No answer, but the sounds subsided a little. Somehow it didn’t reassure him at all. ‘Mer, I’m sorry for what I said. And I think I need to come in and check on you, so I’m sorry for that too.’ He opened the door and slipped into the dark bathroom. 

He thought the lights up to a gentle glow but was unprepared for what they would reveal. Mer was sitting in a sorry huddle on the floor, tears streaming down his face, biting hard on his own wrist to try and silence himself. His other hand was hitting the side of his head.

 _Shit._ John could see it plain as day, how he’d triggered this with his awful, awful comment. It wasn’t just insensitive, it cut to the very heart of the kind of prejudices Mer had to deal with. He even remembered hearing Mer explain; _people think autistic people are like Data, but we’re more like Spock. We feel too much and have to find ways to manage that._

This was what “too much” looked like, and finally John understood. ‘Oh god, Mer, I’m so sorry.’ John was panicking, not knowing what to do, but Mer had been teaching him about himself for months via the process of helping John learn to manage his ADHD, surely he could figure this out.

Number one, don’t tell him to calm down. ‘You’re having a meltdown, Mer, and it’s going to be okay. You don’t have to silence yourself or be angry at yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong. I have, and I’m sorry, what I said was . . . fucking awful.’

But Mer just started hitting his head harder at that. John could see it was hard enough to bruise, and it was scaring him.

‘Okay, Mer, I think I need to hold onto you, to stop you from hurting yourself. Will you let me do that?’ Mer stilled for a fraction of a second, and there was a vague nod, a hint of affirmation in his wild, lost eyes. 

_Here goes. No light touch, John, or you’ll just make it worse._

He sat himself against the wall next to Mer and pressed his arm firmly round Mer’s shoulders, pulling his friend towards his body til Mer had his back to John’s chest. Then he grabbed both Mer’s arms tightly and pulled them down into his chest and away from harm. Mer was trembling and sobbing, and John just held on tightly and said ‘It’s okay, Mer, you’re having a meltdown but it’s going to be okay. Just try and remember your grounding techniques, do you remember them? Start to notice your breathing and count along to it. Don’t try and control it, just count . . .’

This went on for a while, and eventually Mer’s breathing became more regular, and he was taking long breaths out, huffing like an old pit pony, but slightly calmer than he had been.

‘Hey,’ John said, squeezing Mer tighter for a moment, ‘that’s good. That’s really good. You got this.’ He felt so much love for his friend right now it was ridiculous. How had he not seen what Mer struggled with? He’d been so full of admiration and, maybe a little envy, he was oblivious to Mer’s vulnerability.

A few minutes later, Mer’s breath was almost normal, but he was still trembling. 

‘Mer, I’m gonna get you some water and a glucose tablet, just in case your hypoglycemia is making this worse.’ Plus, he knew eating and drinking was grounding to Mer.

He reluctantly extricated himself from the little huddle they were in and went to raid Mer’s supplies. He found the glucose tablets and a packet of nuts and seeds, grabbed a refillable water bottle and topped it up. He sat back down in the bathroom and automatically pulled his friend against him again, not wanting to admit to himself how good it felt to hold even a miserable, broken version of Mer in his arms. John noted that Mer seemed a little worse for being left alone, so at least he was on the right track with the holding and not just being an enormous creep.

He passed Mer the bottle. ‘Here, drink, and then have something to eat. I brought you glucose tablets and some hamster food – you choose.’

There was a snort from Mer that might almost have been a laugh. John tucked his chin on Mer’s shoulder and whispered, ‘I’m so sorry, Mer, I’m such an ass.’ Mer just exhaled and nodded in agreement, but then he squeezed John’s arms, and John took it as a kind of forgiveness.

Eventually, John managed to get Mer off the hard floor. He sat Mer on the edge of the enormous Ancient bath and washed and dressed the bite wound on his wrist, then left him to use the facilities and guided him into his bed. Mer was still non-verbal, and there was a bleakness, a lostness in his wide blue eyes that hurt John’s heart. Once again tears were slipping down the scientist’s cheeks. John didn’t know what to do. 

Only he did.

‘I need to stay here, don’t I? It’ll get worse again if I leave.’ Mer nodded, mutely.

‘Gimme 5 minutes,’ John said, dashing to the bathroom, drinking some water, scoffing some “hamster food”, and then stripping down to his boxers and tee in under three. 

When he got back, Mer was a little puddle of silent misery. 

‘Am I allowed in your bed, Mer?’ John was _finally_ learning how important it was to ask first, something he’d never learned to do before Mer.

Mer nodded, but the tears were flowing harder now. John slid under the covers behind Mer’s curved, tight back. ‘Can I put my arms round you?’ Another nod. He spooned Mer, careful to keep the rest of his body away for fear of inappropriate reactions, but holding on tight with his arms, and squeezing Mer back against his chest. Mer seemed to relax at last from this, and they just lay like that for what seemed like hours, until eventually Mer drifted off to sleep and John allowed himself finally to doze.

***

John woke alone, but he could hear Mer moving around on the other side of the room, and after a few minutes appearing next to him. He sat on a chair near the bed, his face blank and hollow, his eyes shadowed with fatigue.

‘Elizabeth tells me we’re not landing the city for another five hours. We’re off til then. Here, thought you might need this,’ Mer said, passing John a cup of black coffee. His voice was empty and bleak, and it scared John.

‘You still have _coffee_?’ John hadn’t tasted coffee for weeks. He didn’t know quite what else to say yet.

‘I saved my ration. Have to be careful with stimulants. You’ve just seen why.’ He looked embarrassed, but really, he had no reason to be.

‘How am I getting coffee, Mer? You should be telling me to fuck off and die. I’m so sorry,’ John ducked his head in shame. He knew no matter how many times he said that it wouldn’t undo what he’d said.

‘I’m still considering it. I mean, you didn’t cause . . .’ Mer waved his hand toward the bathroom, the scene of his meltdown, ‘. . . not all by yourself, anyway, but what you said was pretty fucking awful and I hate that you think that even more than I hate that you said it.’

‘I don’t think it, not really, it was an impulse-attack. I was hurt and I lashed out. But I think I understand some things better than I did when I said what I said.’

‘We should probably talk, hey?’ Mer said as an oblique response.

‘I guess. You know I’m lousy at that, right?’ John really didn’t want to mess things up more than he already had.

‘Er, yes, I’d noticed. I think perhaps listening isn’t your strong suit either. I’m not sure you’ve heard everything that I’ve been saying to you.’

‘No . . . I haven’t,’ John admitted. ‘. . . last night . . . I er, finally realised what you meant about being more like Spock and less like Data.’

‘Oh, halleluiah! But honestly? I’d have preferred you work that out in a way that was less painful for me. Having the worst meltdown I’ve had since I was thirteen in front of someone I work with isn’t my idea of fun.’ Mer’s voice was strained and brittle.

 _Someone I work with._ Oof, that smarted.

‘I’m s –’

Mer raised his hand, palm forward, in a stop gesture.

‘I don’t want your apologies, Sheppard. I know you’re sorry. I want you to understand me. I want you to see me as a real person.’ John could sense, now, that Mer’s feelings ran far stronger than the artificial calm in his voice would suggest. Mer continued, ‘You’ve been treating me like an alien artifact that fascinates you from the moment we met, and I’m not some Ancient toy for you to play with, I’m flesh and blood.’ 

This hit John like a punch to the face. _Fuck._ He’d got it all so wrong he wasn’t sure he’d ever get a chance to put it right.

Mer’s face was a mask, and by now John was finally understanding that meant too much was going on underneath. If he’d taken a guess, he’d say Mer was on the edge of tears, but not a meltdown.

‘Mer, I’m –’

‘I’m going to have a shower,’ Mer cut across him. ‘You should probably go.’ But the look Mer gave him was more uncertain than his words suggested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: many autistic people are calmed by pressure on their bodies, which is why holding, compression, pressure therapy, weighted blankets, etc. can help. However you have to know the autistic person really well and they have to trust you a lot for what John does here to work.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication happens, and about time too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for John's internalised homophobia and ableism

_You should probably go._

Mer was taking his time in the shower, no doubt giving John space to get himself gone, only John wasn’t going. Apart from the fact that he was in Mer’s bed and he was emotionally exhausted, and his limbs just wouldn’t cooperate, he felt like as long as he didn’t leave there might be some way of fixing things. 

He knew he was kidding himself. 

But he snuggled down, breathing Mer’s scent from the pillow and pretending like it hadn’t all gone to hell because of his impulsivity, as usual.

When Mer came back out, he didn’t move, didn’t know what to do.

_Fucking dickhead, how did you think ignoring Mer’s request was gonna help?_

‘You’re fooling nobody, Sheppard,’ Mer said, the eyeroll audible in his voice. But it was slightly less furious than John expected. 

John pulled himself up in the bed and looked at his friend, who was pulling a T-shirt on over his slightly damp, highly sculpted body. His hair was wet and tousled, plastering itself to his face in a way that was ridiculously pretty. He’d got his boxers on already and discarded the towel on a chair. God, he was so beautiful it made John’s chest ache. Then Mer caught him looking, and John looked away, scrubbing his face with his hands as if he could fix his stupid brain.

‘I’m sorry, I’m a fucking mess, but I’ll go now. Unless . . .’

‘Unless what?’ Mer sighed.

‘Let me explain some things . . . let me try?’

‘Oh, I wouldn’t miss John Sheppard _talking_ for all the world,’ Mer said in his most sarcastic tone. But he pulled up a chair and sat, still in just his boxers and tee.

John, of course, just went very quiet. What exactly did he want to say? He remembered what Mer had said to him yesterday, the thing that had hurt him so much he lashed out and caused all this – 

‘ _Did I not make my feelings clear that night on the pier?’_

Then he thought about what Mer had said today:

_‘I’m not some Ancient toy for you to play with, I’m flesh and blood.’_

He rolled back to the night on the pier and suddenly understood why the _complete fucking lie_ that he just wanted to play with Mer was precisely the wrong thing to say. He’d been so busy feeling jealousy and awe for Mer that he’d completely failed to see how easily he could be hurt. 

‘Mer, about that night on the pier . . .’ 

‘He speaks!’ Mer was being combative, John could see, and he wondered if he was going to get through that façade.

‘I’m sorry, Mer, I shut down, I have no idea what you said to me after you turned me down, so when you asked me “ _Did I not make my feelings clear that night on the pier?”_ my answer should have been no, you didn’t, but only because I was having some sort of a panic attack, and I couldn’t hear anything at all.’ God, this was so hard. ‘I was, I was . . . feeling crushed.’

‘Feeling crushed because I wouldn’t play with you? I know you’re hot stuff, Sheppard, but I can’t be the first person who ever turned you down. He gave John a look. ‘Then again, maybe I am. Still, you’re not entitled to sex, you know.’

John could feel prickles raising all over his body and he knew now that Mer was deliberately needling him to protect himself.

_Keep going, Sheppard. Be honest for once._

‘It’s not like that at all, Mer.’ He said it as gently as he could, his voice as open as he could possibly make it. ‘I was crushed because I lied to you. I didn’t just want to play. I have . . . feelings. I didn’t want to risk saying “something more” and looking like a fool, but I should have been honest with you.’

‘Oh,’ Mer said, his eyes going wide. He was quiet for a long moment, then he got up, turning his back on John, and went to the closet, pulling on a pair of old, worn jeans that clung to him beautifully. Then he headed for the door, his feet still bare. Before it opened, he looked slightly back and said in an even tone,

‘I’m just . . . give me a minute . . .’ and then he was gone. 

John wrapped himself around a pillow and tried to remember how to breathe. He couldn’t believe how much he’d fucked this up . . . only he could, because fucking up was what he did best. His dad was right, he was lazy and a failure and if Mer meant this much to him he should have worked a million times harder.

 _You are not crying, you fairy._ His dad’s voice berated him for the wetness on the pillow, but John was too miserable to care.

He had his back to the door when at last it swooshed open. 

‘And he’s still in my bed, and this is getting weird,’ Mer said, his voice tight.

John quickly wiped his eyes and turned round. ‘Sorry,’ he said, trying not to sound as broken as he felt. He clambered out, feeling vulnerable in his boxer briefs and tee, looking for the pants he’d discarded the night before. ‘I’ll go,’ he said, meeting Mer’s eyes at last and feeling surprised by what he found there – a look of perplexed concern.

‘Oh, sit.’ Mer said, and John sat on the edge of the bed, still sans pants. Mer just continued to look at his face in puzzlement.

‘Who are you, John Sheppard? Because sometimes I think you’re the guy who’s going to slam my head into the gym lockers, and sometimes I think you’re the one who’s going to try and protect me from that guy, and sometimes I think you’re the poor bastard getting his head slammed into the next locker down. I mean, I’m not always good at reading people, but I had to learn at least to judge who was safe. Before I had the power to ward off bullies by being the genius who could save them from life-sucking aliens, I didn’t always have it easy, what with being a queer autistic crossdresser with stupid allergies and a girl’s name.’ He stopped and took a breath, running a frustrated hand through his tousled locks. ‘I feel . . . safe and comfortable with parts of you, but other parts . . .’

John sighed. Mer had just cut to the heart of why he so badly needed to change his life. And it started with lifting the embargo he’d placed on himself from an early age over talking. He’d been a chatty kid and it had often got him into trouble. He’d learned, over time, that in the absence of a filter on his words, it was best to say nothing. Now, it almost hurt to talk, but there was relief there too.

‘If it helps any, I think I joined the military so I could slam my _own_ head into that metaphorical locker _and_ be the guy who stops it. But really? I’m still the nerd who got the shit kicked out of him, and that’s why I’m leaving the military.’

Mer looked surprised to hear him say so much, but he didn’t respond. John was suddenly on a roll.

‘I’m tired of not being on my own side, tired of living several layers of lies. You don’t owe me anything, Mer, but I’d like it if you could give Dr John Sheppard a chance and find out if maybe he’s not quite as big a prick as the Major.’

‘You’re not a prick, John.’

‘I’m the biggest prick in the world for not working harder to let down my guard with you, or to see past yours.’ John responded, struggling to keep the emotion out of his voice. ‘I . . . had you on a pedestal. I thought you were the cool kid who wasn’t gonna give me the time of day. I said _play_ because I thought that was all I could get.’

‘God, John, you were so far off base it isn’t even funny,’ Mer said. He went quiet, looking like he was struggling with what he wanted to say. ‘Oh, what the hell, s’not like things could get _worse_ , is it? Look, the reason I couldn’t _just_ play with you? I had . . . feelings . . . too. I thought you just wanted to experiment with me. I was afraid of getting hurt, of what the fallout would be to our friendship, our professional relationship.’

John felt that like a punch in the gut. He could have had everything, and now . . . he was pretty sure he’d blown it. He’d heard the past tense loud and clear.

‘Fuck. I’m so stupid.’

‘Yeah,’ Mer acknowledged bluntly. It made John feel oddly better.

‘M’sorry.’

Mer didn’t say anything, and John lapsed into a morose silence.

‘I should go,’ John said at last. ‘Let you rest before the shift.’

‘Had coffee, remember?’ Mer said in his sing-song way. ‘Besides, I still feel like we’re in the middle of a conversation here, aren’t we?’

That brought a little spark of hope to John’s heart. ‘We are?’

Mer smiled, exasperation and affection combined into one emotion John suspected was reserved for him alone.

‘There’s er . . . a toothbrush . . . in a box in the bathroom,’ Mer said hesitantly, ‘and if you want a shower, I could give you clean clothes . . . maybe it will be easier to talk if you’re dressed.’

John dropped his gaze to his hairy legs and naked toes. ‘Oh. Um. Yeah, sorry. I mean thanks, that would be good.’

Mer’s shower was bigger than John’s (how was that fair?) and John revelled in the torrent of hot water that fell from the ceiling like a waterfall. His mind was struggling to process everything that had happened in the last 12 hours. He kept flashing back to Mer’s meltdown, and the pain John had caused his friend, and then forward to the conversation they’d just had.

John had got everything so completely wrong. And yet, it still seemed like there might be a fragile glimmer of hope. Maybe Mer would forgive him, maybe they would get past this and . . .

John felt a simultaneous wave of heat and panic course through him. Had he been sent to shower and brush his teeth for a reason? McKay was a bit of a germaphobe – did he want John all clean so he could . . .

John’s cock stirred but his stomach clenched. He was totally out of his depth here. What if Mer _did_ still want him? As miserable as John felt about losing the chance with Mer, the thought of what he would do if Mer actually said yes was . . .

 _Oh god._ The warring feelings of fear and want were excruciating. John tipped his head against the coolness of the shower wall and tried to breathe. He ignored his growing erection, and the way his whole body was buzzing with desire and need. His skin wanted touch; his lips desperately needed Mer’s. Other parts wanted to be held down, pressed into and filled. But his breathing was laboured and his heart was trying to jump out of his chest. If this was love, it felt not unlike the moment before going into battle.

How could he possibly be ready to take on someone like Mer McKay? It would be like being put in an Apache on the first day of rotorcraft training. He simply wasn’t up to it. He simply wasn’t _worthy_ of it.

He should run. He should get dressed and leave and not give Mer the chance to open this can of worms.

Assuming Mer wanted to get into this can of worms with him, another thought interjected, and it was accompanied by a stab of loss so acute it stole all of John’s breath. John badly wanted Mer to want him. Recognised he was desperate for Mer’s touch in every possible way. His mind imagined all the things he desired, from simple caresses to raw sex. He wasn’t ready for this, but he wasn’t ready to walk away either. His heart sat poised in a perfect balance between hope and fear, and honestly, he didn’t know if he was more afraid of a yes or a no, but his heart knew what it wanted even so.

John talked down his erection because jerking off in Mer’s shower seemed wildly inappropriate. In any case he didn’t want that right now, wanted instead to sit with the sweet, excruciating feeling of unfulfilled desire. He towelled off, his skin feeling sensitised to the touch of fabric, and slipped into the clean tee, sweats and boxers Mer had lent him. The boxers had R2D2 in a repeat pattern all over, and they made John smile. He’d always hidden his nerdy side, but he didn’t have to with Mer.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped out into the room. Mer was sat at his desk, laptop open, but he looked up when John came in, and it was impossible to miss the desire in his eyes. John’s stomach turned somersaults, but he’d changed his mind – there wasn’t a chance in hell he was going to run now, no matter how afraid he was.

Mer stood, and walked over to where John was rooted to the spot. Neither of them were great with eye contact, but now they steadily held each other’s gaze. They were close enough for John to just lean forward and press his lips to Mer’s. But this time, he knew better.

‘If we do this . . .’ Mer’s voice was hesitant, he sounded almost as scared as John, and that made John feel better, somehow. ‘If we do this, we have to get _much_ better at communicating. Both of us.’

John nodded silently and then, realising that really wasn’t going to cut it, forced himself to speak past the tightness in his throat. ‘I’d pretty much do anything,’ he said. ‘Even talking.’ He hoped his smile was wry enough to let Mer know that the thought of communicating wasn’t really _so_ bad. But then, he realised he needed to be brave and tell the truth. ‘To be honest, Mer, I _want_ it. The talking, I mean. It’s just . . . hard for me. I’ll work on it.’

‘For me too, oddly,’ Mer responded. ‘I mean, I have no problem saying _a lot_ , but saying the right thing in the right way at the right time? That’s excruciatingly difficult when my feelings are on the line.’

Oh. Another way in which John needed to let McKay down off that pedestal.

‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ John said. He fell silent, his eyes flickering all-too-obviously to Mer’s lips and back to his eyes. ‘So what now?’ he asked, incapable of suppressing the hope bubbling up inside him and warring with his fear.

‘Well . . .’ Mer said, looking suddenly nervous, ‘I think I’d really like to kiss you.’

John almost went to pieces. He took in a shattered breath and almost whispered, ‘I think I’d like that.’

Mer seemed to be having as much trouble breathing as he was himself. He put a hand up to John’s cheek, and then slipped it round to cup the back of John’s neck, pulling him gently closer. Mer pressed his lips to John’s with aching care and tenderness, and all John’s fears just melted away. He lifted his own hands to tangle in Mer’s hair and returned the kiss with equal care. And then Mer’s tongue gently brushed John’s lips and that felt like all the permission he needed to let out the passion he’d been stifling for way too long. Mer sighed into his mouth and turned up the heat even more.

God, his kiss was everything. John couldn’t bear to break for air, but eventually they had no choice, pulling back only enough to catch their breaths, foreheads still pressed together. John’s hands stroked down through Mer’s hair and slid down his back, pulling him nearer, revelling in the closeness of their bodies. Mer’s arms reciprocated, his fingers finding John’s spine and dragging their way down it until John shivered. And then they were kissing again like they were trying to climb inside of each other, and John was beginning to feel a little unsteady on his feet.

‘How about we make ourselves more comfortable?’ Mer asked, when they finally broke apart again.

‘Are we gonna . . .’ a frisson of anxiety ran through John.

Mer gave a fond but exasperated sigh. ‘I’d like to relax until my shift.’ Then his look became more tentative. ‘Maybe cuddle a bit?’ God, when John dreamed of him and Mer he’d been unprepared for this earnest, careful shyness. It just about undid him.

‘I’d like to cuddle,’ he said with a soft, probably goofy, smile, taking Mer’s hand gently and leading him to the couch. They sat, pressed up against each other, fingers tangled. John was mesmerised by the sight of their clasped hands.

‘I’m still fragile as hell,’ Mer said, eventually. ‘Just to be clear, I need us to take things _very_ slowly. And we won’t be doing anything, ever, that we can’t talk about first. That’s a hard limit for me.’

All of John’s fear and tension drained out of him. He lifted his head to look at Mer and pressed another kiss to his lips.

‘Hey . . . that works for me too. Cos . . . well, I’m pretty scared here.’

John was fairly certain he’d never admitted to fear in his adult life, but now seemed like a good time to start.

It suddenly hit John, he didn’t have to hide anything about himself anymore, didn’t have to be anything he wasn’t. When Colonel Evan Lorne arrived on the _Daedalus_ and relieved John of command, he could be out and proud as nerd, queer, fairy, ADHD, and it might be an adjustment, but people would deal with it.

He was free. And right now he had everything he wanted. He snuggled into Mer’s arms and sighed contentedly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John’s career hadn’t changed as much as he expected it to. If anything, he was following in a fine tradition of posh white boys everywhere and failing upwards.

‘Welcome, everyone, and let’s get down to business,’ Elizabeth surveyed the room with a smile, but John noticed that smile was getting more and more brittle as the months wore on. Now he was her deputy (Peter Grodin had returned to Earth as soon as they made contact), John was paying more attention to Elizabeth’s states, and sometimes it seemed like she was an edifice that was just about to crack.

‘The first thing I would like to do is welcome Ronon – Specialist Ronon Dex – AR-1’s newest member.’

Ronon had cleaned up well, even if he was still dressed kind of homespun for a man from an advanced world. John wondered what that was about, but he guessed Ronon didn’t want to get too comfy. The man was imposing, and formidable, and drop dead gorgeous, and John had an inkling he must be off-the scale smart to have stayed ahead of the wraith for seven years. Almost from the moment Lorne had brought him home John had pestered Elizabeth to let him stay and be on AR-1. He’d taken to the man in a way he couldn’t quite define.

John’s career hadn’t changed as much as he expected it to. If anything, he was following in a fine tradition of posh white boys everywhere and failing upwards. Elizabeth needed John to be her eyes and ears off-world. AR-1 carried on much as before, although their missions were more diplomatic in nature and Lorne’s AR-2 team took the lead on defence. AR-1 had the newly minted _Captain_ Ford in charge of their security and John was nominally in charge the rest of the time. AR-1 was the odd gate-team out: Five members, four civilians, two aliens (well, five, really), and (at least) two queers.

‘I thought it would be useful to invite Ronon as well as Teyla to senior staff meetings, so we can be sure we hear the Pegasus perspective,’ Elizabeth said.

‘Hey, that’s a good idea,’ Mer said disingenuously. He and John had spent over an hour talking Elizabeth into letting Ronon be there, and now she was acting like it was her idea – of course she was.

‘Ronon, it’s good to have you,’ John said sincerely. He suspected this was a man who’d help the rest of them cut the crap and keep them honest. Currently, though, the man looked more than a little overwhelmed by the formal setting. He probably hadn’t sat formally in a room with others like this for _years._

‘I think you’ll be a tremendous asset, if what I saw when you captured myself and Parrish is anything to go by,’ the Colonel said with a smile. Lorne had the easiest manner of any Colonel John had met. The man was immensely likeable, hyper efficient and relaxed about the stuff that didn’t matter whilst a stickler for the stuff that did. He was also the most out gay serviceman John had ever met, protected by a bubble of likeability, proficiency and by serving in a branch of the military that really didn’t care about its people’s private lives as long as they could handle various kinds of aliens, hostile and otherwise.

Evan had told John himself after a few draughts of Belkan ale that he’d been dating Colonel Cameron Mitchell of SG-1 since almost pre-history, at the very least pre DADT. But Evan was polyamorous, and John had an inkling there was something going on between him and Parrish too.

John sometimes wished he could have been like that, but while Lorne managed to be himself in role, John couldn’t make his true self fit the military straitjacket.

Ronon just grinned that toothy grin of his and sat further back in his chair, crossing his arms.

‘Well, let’s look at the first agenda item,’ Elizabeth said, realising they were not going to get any words from Ronon. ‘Carson – you say you want to do research on something that could cure the wraith of their feeding?’

‘Aye. We're working on a retrovirus that would alter Wraith DNA, essentially stripping out the iratus bug elements of their genetic code and leaving only the human aspects behind.’

Ronon and Teyla both sat up at this, their eyes wide with longing.

‘Whoa, whoa. How am I just hearing about this?’ Mer asked, his eyes blazing. John was _absolutely not_ thinking how sexy he looked when angry, because John was a professional, and this was a work setting, and they had agreed to be very boundaried about their private life.

Which was proceeding excruciatingly slowly, but John was not thinking about that.

‘Because it’s a personal project and so far only theoretical,’ Carson’s brows knitted at his friend.

‘It’s _research_ and I’m the _Chief Science Officer_ and something like this needs ethical approval.’

‘Dr McKay, surely there can be no objection to pursuing so important a goal?’ Teyla asked.

John could see Mer doing his breathing before he spoke. Something was really agitating him. He wondered if the recent death of another one of his scientists, Collins, had anything to do with it. That had hit Mer hard, and John knew he blamed himself for moving too fast.

‘Okay, so we know that the wraith evolved from a genetic combination of humans and iratus bugs, right?’ Mer said, his voice tight, ‘and that happened after the Ancients came to Pegasus? Well hands up who here is naïve enough to think that happened by accident rather than being a science experiment gone wrong?’

Carson nodded, ‘I have te say it seems unlikely this just happened by itself.’

‘You mean you believe the Ancestors _made_ the wraith?’ Teyla’s voice was cold, but John couldn’t tell where her anger was directed.

‘Them or someone else, but since their language derives from Ancient . . .’ Mer explained.

‘Why would they do such a thing?’ Teyla looked utterly betrayed.

‘Well this is the point I want to make. It seems that all too often the big scary thing everyone is fighting started out as a weapon, or at the very least an accidental consequence of a battle against some other big scary thing.’

‘You’re saying the wraith were created do be a weapon.’ Ronon spoke, at last, his face grim.

‘I suppose it doesn’t make a lot of sense that two such different species combined their DNA naturally,’ Elizabeth conceded. ‘But surely that just gives us all the more reason to believe we can reverse their mistake?’

‘And how, pray tell, would we do that without violating many of our own laws and ethical requirements?’ Mer’s voice was a tad shrill and John wasn’t sure whether he agreed.

‘Big picture, McKay. Saving tens of thousands of lives.’ He said gently but firmly.

Mer frowned at John. ‘No. That’s not what we’re talking about – we’re not talking about an imagined result, we’re talking about _scientific research_ that would, without doubt, involve ethically dubious and illegal experimentation on a _highly dangerous_ species, or be completely pointless. We saw with the Hoffans how the wraith respond to threats, so, one, it would escalate the intensity of their antagonism towards us. But two, and more importantly, if the wraith are a consequence of Ancient meddling, what unforeseen problems might we unleash on this galaxy if _we_ meddle?’

‘But surely we have to try, Mer?’ Elizabeth countered.

‘No. We don’t. Look, you two,’ Mer said, addressing Teyla and Ronon, ‘I know it sounds like you’re being offered an option to fix the wraith and that surely would be worth any cost, but what’s _actually_ on offer here is a commitment to possibly years of illegal experimentation on captured wraith and any number of possible outcomes, up to and including making things significantly worse for the people of this galaxy.’

‘Now just wait a minute . . .’ Carson’s face was thunderous.

‘Is this true?’ Teyla asked, an unnatural calm about her. ‘Is it true that you would be doing experiments that are illegal on your home world? Is it true the outcomes would be uncertain?’

‘Well, aye, if we were te do trials on live wraith it’s unlikely it could meet ethical standards on Earth, but in all fairness . . .’

Teyla held up her hand, ‘and is one reason for those _standards_ that experiments can have unforeseen consequences that could be harmful?’

Carson sagged. ‘Aye.’

‘And we’re clear, are we not, that your help of the Hoffans had unforeseen and deadly negative results?’ Teyla asked icily.

Poor Carson looked like he was going to cry. ‘Look, I just want te help!’

‘And I’m not entirely clear we should just discard the idea,’ Elizabeth said. ‘We’ve had to make decisions out here that might not fit with the laws of Earth, but those laws did not have these circumstances in mind.’

One of Elizabeth’s flaws was that she was so hell-bent most of the time on doing the right thing that once she persuaded herself the rules could go out of the window she would fall over herself to justify that, becoming quite blinkered. She had that “burden of leadership” thing going on where she’d convince herself her job was all about making tough, awful decisions, and sometimes when she got into that headspace she acted like she was alone at the top of an unreachable tower. John knew it was vital he use his role as her deputy to back up Teyla and Ronon – their voices were the ones that mattered here.

‘What would we do with them, if we fixed em?’ Ronon asked suddenly.

‘Oh!’ Mer said, ‘interesting point. They’d still be a technologically advanced race with a big population and a dubious moral compass, and they’d also be pissed as hell that we took away their immortality.’

‘Militarily, a retrovirus won’t change any of their advantages over us, other than possibly reducing their strength in hand-to-hand, which is hardly a consideration for a race with enormous space ships, cloning facilities and beaming technology,’ Lorne said, thoughtfully. ‘Oh, and also – humans would go from a food source they rely on to a hostile species they may be happy to eradicate. We couldn’t assume goodwill from them.’

‘So we don’t _cure_ them,’ Ronon’s voice dripped with angry disdain. ‘We _kill_ them.’

‘I suppose those we have the means to cure, we will also have means to kill,’ Teyla added. ‘I am sorry Dr Beckett, Dr Weir, but if my voice has any sway here at all, I must say I am against any experimentation that could take you too quickly into illegal or controversial territory. I am not averse to you working within your laws, however, for a longer term understanding of the wraith and how they came to be.’

Mer was looking at John, and he realised he hadn’t said anything for a while. ‘I agree with Teyla,’ he said, because he was certain agreeing with Teyla was ninety-nine percent of his job. ‘Any research needs to be ethically and legally signed off. The end justifies the means is a crappy excuse anyways, but I don’t see how we can guarantee the ends here. Let’s not follow in the footsteps of our arrogant ancestors, huh?’

Everyone around the table seemed to relax at John’s words, as if he held sway in a way he didn’t really understand. Only Elizabeth looked tense, perhaps for the very same reason.

‘Very well,’ she said, ‘it seems that your research is going to have to take the long road, Carson.’

John wondered, though, if there was any way of getting such work off the ground legally. He suspected this might be the last he heard of Carson’s retrovirus. He felt a flicker of worry – what if this was the wrong choice? What if Carson could have eliminated the wraith threat?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, if kissing was this good, sex was going to kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussions of kink and non-monogamy, but the boys are taking things slow

‘So, Sam and I have been emailing about an idea to build a bridge between galaxies out of a row of stargates and a teeny, tiny space station at the midway point. Whaddya think?’ 

They’d taken their lunch out on one of the balconies. John was soaking up the sun, Mer was leaning into the shade.

John hated how he felt when he heard the name of Dr Samantha Carter, Mer’s brilliant and beautiful ex-wife and member of SG-1.

‘I think I’m jealous,’ he admitted, knowing he had to talk about it. ‘I know I shouldn’t be, but I am.’

‘Oh my god, seriously, you have nothing to worry about with Sam, we really didn’t work well together at all. I couldn’t tell you this when Jack was your boss, but Sam needs someone who’s always going to be submissive with her. I’m sure you can imagine, I’m not that person.’

John took a moment to readjust his world view to include General Jack O’Neill being a sub.

‘But she was cool with the polyamory thing?’ John was still trying to figure out how everything worked with Mer, and where he fit. They were taking it a lot slower than he really wanted, and that meant he wasn’t getting sex with Mer and Mer was getting sex with other people, and it was driving him a little crazy. But he also knew his inability to talk was the hold-up.

‘I’m not polyamorous. I don’t think I could manage more than one relationship at a time, although I don’t mind dating people who can. Even one’s a challenge for me, if I’m honest. I’m ethically non-monogamous – I have sex with other people, I play, but I don’t date or get romantic with them. And yeah, Sam was cool with that, she had other lovers of her own – she and Jack got together before she and I split up.’

‘And O’Neill’s polyamorous?’

‘Oh yeah. Jack’s probably more in love with Daniel than . . .’ Mer trailed off, looking sheepish.

‘Than?’ 

‘Than another random, very in love person. Absolutely no examples spring to mind,’ Mer blushed.

John wriggled closer to Mer, even though it took him out of the warm sunshine, putting his head on Mer’s shoulder.

‘You’re struggling with it, aren’t you?’ Mer said, and John’s heart clenched. _Please don’t give up on me because I haven’t got a clue about anything._

‘I’m just not sure what I’m allowed to feel.’

‘Oh god, John, you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, how is that not clear?’

‘But if I have the wrong feelings, I lose you. If I have the wrong feelings, this won’t work.’

‘No no no, you dope. There are no wrong feelings. Feel what you feel, and we’ll figure it out. I want this, John. A lot _._ Now, I’d like to make a case for you being okay with me keeping my play partners, and it’s not as selfish an argument as you might think, but if I absolutely had to choose? John, I’d choose you.’

Wow. John really hadn’t expected that. It made him feel both elated and terrified.

‘We haven’t even had sex yet. How do you know it’ll work out with me?’

‘Because I haven’t felt like this before.’ Mer said shyly. John’s heart jumped when he said things like that. It was early days, but it seemed like Mer was really into him.

‘I’m not . . . I’m not sure how sexual I am,’ John confessed. ‘Not many folks rev my engine, boy or girl.’

‘Yeah, but I’ve been revving your engine from the moment we met, and don’t deny it.’ Mer said with a cocky smirk.

‘Okay, yeah,’ John breathed, thinking about the way Mer made his cock jump during that first conversation, about how the want hadn’t stopped since, was still driving him crazy.

‘So this is different for you, too?’ Mer asked him.

‘I guess . . . yeah,’ John admitted. And maybe he’d been pouring ice on his sexuality all these years anyhow. If so, it was currently melting fast.

‘So, we’re in our late thirties and our rule books just got thrown out. Guess we make new ones?’ Mer suggested

‘And you’re gonna make an argument for that rule book allowing you to fuck other people?’

‘I am.’

‘I’m listening.’

Mer sighed. ‘Tonight. It’s going to have to be tonight. I left something running.’ Mer started to gather himself, and John found himself reluctantly letting go of the hand he’d unconsciously been squeezing.

‘Aren’t you playing tonight?’ He asked, trying to sound neutral but failing.

‘John, did I not introduce you to _all_ my play partners and give them each a version of, “this is John, he’s my romantic partner and my no.1 priority?” – which part of that was unclear? I’m not going to mess play partners around, but equally casual plans can be changed for this.’

Yes, those introductions had happened, and had made John feel . . . weird but special. ‘Okay, I’ll see you tonight, then,’ John felt his heart flutter a little and almost couldn’t cope with how young it made him feel. ‘Your place?’

‘Sure. Six thirty. Now kiss me, please?’

Kissing Mer was so brain-meltingly good that John rationed himself for fear of losing his head completely. There was no such thing as a quick peck, what started with soft lips nipping at his inevitably progressed to a clever tongue exploring his mouth and firm hands dipping into the small of his back, pulling him closer. His own hands felt their way along Mer’s muscled arms and down to his lean waist, taking care not to press too lightly. Mer groaned appreciatively, and John’s whole body reacted to that sound with a shiver of pleasure. God, if kissing was this good, sex was going to kill him.

Eventually, reluctantly, they both untangled themselves.

‘See?’ Mer said, ‘ _That’s_ why I’m in no rush to take this further, because kissing you is so amazing and I don’t want to devalue it by treating it like it’s just a stage to go through on the way to something better. Because nothing I do with anyone else can hold a candle to what we did just then.’

‘Oh,’ John said, his entire perspective on everything dramatically readjusting itself.

‘Look, I’ve got to go . . .’

But then John remembered the start of their conversation, and the really important thing he needed to say to Mer about it. 

‘Mer, just quickly before you go, I need to say something about this bridge.’

‘What?

‘Don’t build it. We need to find ways of keeping Pegasus and Atlantis safe from Earth’s reach, not bring it closer. And we need to keep Earth safe from Pegasus too. I have a bad feeling about that bridge. I think it’s one of those things where just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.’

‘Honestly? I’ve been thinking similar, along with slightly more extreme and treacherous thoughts about our relationship with Earth,’ Mer said, ‘I guess we’ll be talking more about this at some point, too. But I’ll talk to Sam, throw some cold water on it.’

*** 

John got to Mer’s place at 6:30 to find Mer had actually _cooked_ and set out a table and chairs, wine, candles and music. He greeted John with a kiss, and John ran his hands appreciatively down the silky feel of the dark blue-grey shirt Mer was wearing that clung to his broad shoulders and defined abs. He was wearing his charcoal tube skirt as he often did in the evenings, and his feet were bare. He looked so stunning, so natural, so _Mer_ it made John’s heart do little jumps.

‘I love you.’ John was simply unable to hold the words in any longer. He’d known it from the start, but he hadn’t wanted to be the first one to say it, even though Mer had been dropping increasingly big hints that he felt the same.

‘So let me get this straight, I go to all this trouble to set the scene perfectly for the big reveal that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you, only for you to blurt it out when you walk through the door?’ Mer’s voice was sharp, but with an edge of humour. 

‘Yeah. Whatcha gonna do about it?’ John challenged back with a smirk.

Mer just pressed himself closer to John and kissed him long and slow. ‘God, the way you surprise me is just one of a million things I love about you, John. I honestly never thought you’d be able to say it, least of all before I did.’

‘Me either,’ John scratched the back of his neck, somewhat abashed. ‘I’m sorry if I ruined your romantic plans.’

‘You didn’t. You helped them. I just couldn’t be having the discussion we’re going to have later without all my cards on the table, you know? Now let’s eat.’

It turned out Mer was a good cook, and the wine was weak but delicious – John had one glass, Mer had a half, then they stoppered the bottle and put it away. 

‘When did you know?’ Mer asked.

‘Now that’s a question.’ John thought about it for a second. ‘Sort of immediately, but it grew more and more, so slowly I can’t find the place where it starts or mark a time when I was like “oh, this is love.” For sure I knew it before we were together.’

‘Fuck, John, I should give you wine more often, it makes you eloquent.’

‘It’s not the wine.’ John blushed. Mer had pulled the stopper out of his feelings, and who knew where this would end? He suddenly _wanted_ to talk about how he was feeling. _Fuck._

Mer reached for his hand, held it tight. Just that was something that had the power to take John’s breath away. All those months of wanting Mer, he’d imagined cock sucking, fucking, trying out all Mer’s toys. If left to his own devices, he’d have skipped right past this and missed the magnitude of feelings holding someone’s hand . . . no, holding _Mer’s_ hand, would generate.

Oh. He finally realised what was going on here, and why Mer wasn’t in a rush. 

‘I’ve never felt this way, John. Not even close. Not with Sam, not with anyone. You just described exactly how I feel. You drew me like a magnet the moment we met. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get away from that pull, nor do I want to. And I’m terrified I’m going to mess this up and lose you.’

John was always taken aback by how insecure Mer was – he seemed so confident, especially in matters of sex, but John was finally beginning to realise that for Mer sex and love were totally different things.

‘I think you’d find it pretty hard to lose me, Mer. But for what it’s worth, I’m completely out of my depth here. I’ve never been in love. I may have thought I was, but if this is love, that wasn’t it. And, well, it’s probably because I’m super fucking gay and I’ve been in denial all my life about it, which strikes me as really pathetic.’

Mer squeezed his hand harder. ‘John. Congratulations.’

‘For what? Realising I’m pathetic?’

‘For coming out as gay. And you’re not pathetic.’

‘I thought I came out when I kissed you that time.’

‘It’s one thing to admit you suddenly and unexpectedly have a crush on someone who’s not a woman. It’s another to admit that the structures you’ve been living in are so fucked up they made you deny who you are for half your life.’

The way Mer said “someone who’s not a woman” made John pause and think about the structures Mer was confined by. ‘Oh shit – does me calling myself gay erase who you are, Mer?’

‘Hmmm,’ Mer pondered, ‘I’m just going to take “gay” in this case to mean “really not attracted to the people society thinks you should be”. If that works for you, of course?’

John nodded. ‘Yeah, it works,’ he breathed a sigh. The word wasn’t truly adequate, but nevertheless it was _important._

‘I want to celebrate your liberation from every spoke in that big, homophobic wheel – your father, your military, all of it.’

‘Yeah, me too.’ John lifted his glass. ‘Here’s to being a fairy.’

‘To my pointy-eared fairy and his awesome gayness,’ Mer grinned, raising his own glass, and John blushed again.

Some time later, John finally decided to broach the subject they’d agreed to discuss earlier that day.

‘So, are we gonna talk about this thing I don’t want to talk about now?’

‘If you’re ready to.’

‘As I’ll ever be. So like I said earlier, I’m listening. Convince me.’

‘Okay, I’m going to start a bit obliquely. You still go to Heightmeyer, right? Even though she’d give Deanna Troi a run for her money in the bad counsellor stakes?’

Heightmeyer or Troi was a running joke between them, on any given day either one of them was in the lead. Though really John’s feelings toward Kate were warmer than he let on, and Mer knew it.

‘Yeah, but what’s that got to do with . . .’

‘Well, a relationship isn’t just about sex, right? We expect our romantic partners to be the people we talk to about difficult things, the people we open up with and are most honest to, so why would we need other friends, or therapists, to talk to?’

‘Erm . . . good point. But sex is different.’

‘Okay, but why?’

John thought about this, but the more he thought about it, the more he realised that his thoughts around “sex is different” came from the same place that had also taught him “sex is between a man and a woman” and other useless lies.

‘Okay, you got me. I wanna say it just is.’

‘I mean you’re right, culturally we treat sex very differently than talking, and I’m not going to pretend we can exist outside of culture, but what I guess I’d like you to understand is that, probably because I’m autistic, I don’t always relate to culture the same way everyone else does, and in this instance I just can’t get along with the rules that say all my needs have to be provided by one person. I don’t see the point to the rules, and “because that’s how things are” isn’t good enough for me.’

‘So . . . what are your needs?’

‘Well, you know the way daily sparring with Teyla has helped you manage your ADHD better? A lot of the stuff I do fulfils the same function. So, an example would be when Collins died. You remember how at first I was hell bent on carrying on the work, not listening to anyone? I honestly believe if Sacha hadn’t caned me til I cried, I might have done something really terrible. I might have gone back to Doranda and got more people killed, John.’

‘I didn’t know. I guess Sacha’s really important to you, then?’

‘No, he isn’t, at least not in the way you think. I feel about him the way a person feels when they finally find a trustworthy mechanic. Or the way you used to feel about that brilliant quartermaster who left us when we made contact with Earth again.’

Oh. John really missed Jennings but he didn’t connect to her as a person, he just appreciated the hell out of how great she was at her job. 

‘I have no feelings for Sacha other than I trust him to do what he does with me and we get on okay in a superficial way,’ Mer continued. ‘It isn’t about _us,_ it’s about him and me as individuals, what we want and what we can give each other. I think it’s as far from what you and I have as your relationship with Kate is. Now, I don’t know whether you’re ever going to flog me or spank me or cane me or belt me and I honestly don’t care, it’s not a necessary part of a romantic relationship for me. It’s no different than if I was into white water rafting, and my partner may or may not want to try it, and we’d negotiate if they didn’t whether I’d still go off and do it with other people.’

‘Okay, that makes sense actually.’

‘Good. In the end, John, I’d give up a lot if it made you happy, but that isn’t an easy decision for either of us, because I’ll have to find another way to regulate myself if I can’t do this, and you’re going to feel bad if you stop me from doing this. Plus, given what you said before there might be a mismatch between our libidos – I like a lot of sex and some partners find that tedious. So yes, ideally I’d like it if we can find a way for me to keep doing this as long as it doesn’t hurt you or our relationship.’

John thought about what Mer had said, and it made all kinds of sense. He knew his reasons against were mostly about social convention, but damn, it had such power.

‘Can you tell me what you get out of doing it to other people? I mean, when you’re the one holding the whip?’ John found it much easier to understand wanting to be tied up and whipped than wanting to be the person doing the whipping. He wasn’t sure what that said about him.

‘Okay, sure. That’s different with different partners, although for me it boils down to reciprocation, stress relief, empowerment and, to be fair, immense sexual gratification, mostly of the “them getting off gets me off” variety. I’m not actually much of a sadist. But I’m only seeing Frank and Sacha at the moment, so I can talk about Frank if you want me to be more specific.’

That surprised John – three of Mer’s play partners had fallen by the wayside . . . possibly because of him?

‘What happened to the others?’

‘Actually, I should have told you, I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea or think that it’s a trend. I, er, am very focused on you right now. I’m finding it hard to be with other people and give them my attention, even in the there and then. And I don’t have a whole lot of time, so I rationalised things and negotiated to keep playing with Frank and Sacha but finished things with the others.’

John didn’t know what to say to that. Mer was right, though, that he wanted to make this a trend in his head in the direction of monogamy, and that wasn’t what this was. He realised he was feeling suddenly protective of Mer’s needs in all this. 

And that’s when he knew he could never ask Mer to give this up, no matter how difficult he found it.

‘So . . . maybe I just realised something. Maybe I know that I won’t ask you to give this up.’ John admitted. ‘So I need to understand it. And maybe I won’t understand it til I try it, and maybe I’m not really ready for that even if I want to be.’

‘John, there’s no rush, I keep telling you.’

‘I think I _finally_ get that,’ John said. ‘I like where we are. There’s no rush to get anywhere, even if I am permanently sexually frustrated. Maybe I like that feeling too.’

‘Careful, talk like that and there may be orgasm denial in your future,’ Mer said with a wicked smile.

John’s cock responded surprisingly strongly to that idea. Okay, that was a new thing he learned about himself right there. But what John didn’t know about his own sexuality was . . . well, everything.

John suddenly saw the other benefit of Mer having sex with other people – it completely took the pressure off him. And that’s when he realised the pressure Mer was under as John’s one and only _ever_ queer lover. No wonder he was taking this slow.

He tried to explain all that to Mer.

‘Oh trust me, John, having other lovers really doesn’t change how much I want you. But yeah, I don’t want to miss anything because we were rushing onto the next thing. I’m enjoying this part as much as I’m looking forward to the next.’

‘Still . . .’ John was suddenly hesitant.

‘Yeah?’

‘I’d really like to be in your bed tonight,’ John rushed it out, his nerves being overridden by his want. 

‘God, there’s nothing I want more,’ Mer’s eyes went wide and John could read the naked desire in them. ‘But you know what I’m going to say next, right?’

‘You’re gonna say “what exactly do you want, John” and I’m gonna say “I don’t suppose let’s see what happens is good enough for you, is it?” and you’ll say “big fat nope, John”.’

Mer laughed. ‘And then what’ll you say?’

John hated this, except for how he didn’t. ‘And then I’d say I want to cuddle some, and kiss . . .’ oh god, this was difficult. ‘And maybe get naked with you but we don’t have to, and . . . there would definitely be some grinding, and possibly hands on body parts . . .’

‘Specifically?’

‘I want to wrap my hand around your cock.’ Jeez, that was difficult, but also hot as fuck to say. ‘Want you to do the same to mine.’

‘Want me to make you come, or leave you waiting?’ Mer asked.

‘Waited long enough,’ John responded. He was heating up fast.

‘That’s not an answer,’ Mer said firmly.

‘Make me come, Mer. Let me get you off.’ John was squirming with a mixture of embarrassment and desire.

Mer’s rule that they couldn’t do anything John couldn’t talk about was a good one, it made him go into things much more consciously and less impulsively, so he never ran ahead of himself.

Mer got up from the table, came to John and pulled him up into his arms. The scientist had a lot of upper body strength and was getting some pretty thorough workouts one way or another, so although John had the height advantage, he was outmatched strength-wise, and he realised he liked that. Mer kissed him – well, plundered his mouth would be more accurate, and John could feel his body responding. 

Mer pulled back just long enough to say, ‘what are you waiting for, Sheppard, get in my bed!’ 

To which John quipped back, ‘yes sir!’

Mer stilled, and cocked his head, looking at John with a smirk on his face, then pushed him down on the bed, pulling off his skirt before joining John.

*** 

An hour or so later, they had driven each other entirely crazy, just with kisses and caresses, and were now naked and panting in the bed.

‘God, I want to put my mouth all over you, want your mouth all over me. Can we, next time?’ Mer breathed as John nibbled his neck.

‘Yes please . . . now?’ John pleaded, aroused beyond belief.

‘Nope.’ Mer said firmly. ‘Next time.’

John whined. Then Mer traced his hand down John’s body and wrapped it around his cock and all was forgiven. ‘Oh my god,’ John gasped. It was the first time Mer had ever touched his cock – the first time anyone who wasn’t a woman had touched his cock. He thought he might melt. He wanted to reciprocate, but the moment Mer touched him, something happened – he felt this desperate need to just surrender, to let Mer make him feel good and just lie back and let it in. He could feel his body relax and fall open under Mer, hear Mer’s gasp of approving pleasure as he saw it happen.

‘God, John! So fucking beautiful.’ Mer kissed him, soft and deep, while his clever hands fondled down his shaft, stroking his balls, and then caressing inside his thighs and back to his cock.

The cat was out of the bag, and John was going to spend the rest of his life being teased. At least, he hoped so.

Mer’s caresses were barely there, and they drove John crazy. He _loved_ being driven crazy. Mer slowly took him higher by tiny, tiny increments, as if they had all the time if the world and it was all about the journey. Which it was. Just when John thought he might snap and demand Mer let him come, Mer turned him on his side and aligned their cocks, taking them both together in his strong, spit-slicked hand.

‘This okay?’ Mer said a little breathlessly.

‘Yes. Fuck!’

Mer stroked in a purposeful but not frantic way, and John, who thought he was right on the edge, found there were a whole new set of heights he hadn’t foreseen. His whole body was vibrating with pleasure when Mer finally sped up his strokes and let him come hard, pulsing over Mer’s hand. Mer pulled his come down over both their shafts, milking the last of John’s orgasm out of him and triggering his own with a loud sigh.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I need you to take me to your room and fuck me. Please? I’ve spent six months believing it would never happen, longing for it, dreaming of it. I don’t want to wait any longer.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for a slightly AU version of S2E12 Epiphany, content note for rope and chain bondage (consensual) and internalised homophobia

John couldn’t wait in that cave. The unbearable sense of the presence of the barrier separating him from Mer was too much to be around. So he made arrows to signal his direction of travel, and walked away, never to return.

For the first month, John just waited, so sure McKay would figure out a way to come get him. The alternative was unthinkable. Every night he thought about all the things he was going to do with Mer as soon as they got home. All the things they hadn’t gotten around to yet. Most of all, he imagined Mer deep inside him, pushing his own fingers into himself to simulate the feeling. It brought him moments of reprieve from the horrible sense that he was the only person really here.

For the second month, John was numb. When he thought about it at all, there was only one possible reason that he was still here. He tried to make it that Mer had given up, it was too difficult, he didn’t care, even. He’d get angry, sometimes, swearing and cursing and occasionally breaking things because they’d all abandoned him. 

It was good to have the beast to fight, even if it seemed to always win. Its claws ripping his skin felt way better than what was ripping at his heart.

By the third month, John knew in his bones that Mer was dead, that whatever had caused him so much pain when he came through that portal had taken out his team. He wished then that he’d lost his minor tussle with Ford and let the Captain come through so that John had died with Mer, Teyla and Ronon.

At the end of the fourth month, John built a pyre, and on it burnt all his hopes and dreams with Mer, gave his lover the funeral he couldn’t be at, wondered what all their funerals had been like back home. He went to bed and didn’t get up for a week.

By the end of the fifth month, he’d come to some sort of fragile acceptance that this was his life now. 

When Teer told John he was “the One”, John felt uncomfortable. He liked Teer, though he wasn’t attracted to her, could see himself reaching to her for some sort of bland comfort, but her love was unwelcome.

‘Oh, I don’t mean that. In other realities, there is that for us too. Only in this reality has your love for . . . Rod-nee . . . come to fruition, a chance in a million thing that has had far-reaching consequences. But I meant you’re the One because you lead us to ascension.’

That was the moment John believed in Teer’s sight, although he wondered at her use of Mer’s middle name. Mer told him he’d come very close to changing it to ward off bullies, and John wondered how _Rodney_ McKay would have been different in ways that prevented them from being together.

John clarified with Teer that he had no intention of ascending, but she doubted him, and he doubted himself, because what was left for him here? He knew he had depression, and he knew that meditation, even if it took the form for him of running and sparring rather than sitting cross-legged in a room listening to other people breathing, was his only support. He also knew he needed more than that, needed to feel the closeness of another human being, even if it didn’t mean anything.

‘I will comfort you, John Sheppard, if you wish it, in any way you need.’ Teer said to him.

‘Yeah,’ said John, ‘I think . . . I think there’s something you can help me with.’

When John saw Mer, Ford, Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon and Carson, he felt torn between anger and joy. He stepped up to Mer, unable to keep from touching, proving to himself this was real, he was here. He put a hand up to Mer’s cheek.

‘You’re alive. You’re here . . . after all this time. I was so sure you were dead. I . . . I . . .’ _mourned you, you fucker._

‘John, you’re in a time dilation field. It’s been just two hours on our side. I came as quickly as I could. If it had taken me a month, you would have died of old age, and crumbled into dust.’ The choke in Mer’s voice was evident, and John realised what the scientist had been through fighting against time to free John before it was too late to matter. 

The beast came back, and Teer and her friends said goodbye, and then Mer was asking ‘What is it with you and ascended women?’ but hanging tight onto his hand and not letting go.

Only later did he realise that if Teer had the Sight, she could have damn well told him that Mer was alive and coming for him.

*** 

Carson was getting impatient over John’s clinginess with Mer and quickly released him from the infirmary.

‘Go, be with your partner, ya big sap.’

As soon as they were inside the transporter, John had Mer pressed against the wall, hard, kissing him as deeply as he could. He wanted to climb _inside_ Mer and never be separate again. He desperately wanted Mer to be inside him.

He pressed for their quarters, and after the transport flash, said breathlessly ‘I need you to take me to your room and fuck me. Please? I’ve spent six months believing it would never happen, longing for it, dreaming of it. I don’t want to wait any longer.’

‘God, John . . . ‘ Mer kissed him as deeply as John had kissed Mer, turning them both around and pinning John against the wall ‘. . . yes, I can do that, want desperately to do that, In fact.’ The way Mer’s desperation matched John’s, you’d think he’d been waiting six months too, but John supposed those two hours had been some of the longest of Mer’s life. He hooked his arms round Mer’s waist and pulled him close, pressing his whole body into Mer’s.

‘I like the beard, for what it’s worth. Less stubble rash,’ Mer smiled when he pulled back.

‘For your comfort, I’m open to keeping it,’ John grinned. ‘Now, come on, before we end up fucking in the transporter . . . not that I don’t want to try that one day.’

Mer groaned, and let himself be led back to his room. They passed a couple of marines on the way, who just grinned at the sight of their former CO dragging his queer lover by the hand in the direction of some privacy.

When they got inside, Mer kissed John long and slow, then pressed him down into a chair and sat on the bed. John whimpered from the loss of contact.

‘Tell me what you want, John.’ Mer said gently.

‘Right now? I need you to be touching me.’ 

Mer reached across and took his hand and he felt more grounded. ‘Better?’

John nodded.

‘So tell me.’

John knew what he wanted, but he was scared to admit what had been happening with Teer, afraid of breaking the mood. He didn’t say anything for a while, and Mer just sat patiently.

‘I need to be tied up,’ he blurted out suddenly. ‘It . . . helped me not feel like I was adrift, although I really was. Now, it’ll help me know I won’t get lost again.’ Shit, there were tears in his eyes.

Mer pulled John towards him and he stood up and sat next to Mer on the bed. Mer circled his arms round John and held on tight until he began to settle. 

‘I’m not letting you go, d’you hear? I won’t let you get lost again, I promise.’

John tilted his head onto Mer’s shoulder. ‘I played with Teer.’

‘I figured.’ Mer said, his voice a little tight.

‘I’m sorry.’ John said.

‘Why? You did nothing wrong. Just because I feel jealous doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do. I’ll get over it. I’ll benefit from it, no doubt.’

John loved that so much about Mer – he didn’t need to have the correct feelings all the time, negative emotions were the texture of life.

Mer gave John a searching look. ‘Do you really want me to do this? Tie you up?’

‘God, yes. Please. And fuck me – do whatever you want to me, just don’t let me go again.’ John could hear the neediness in his voice, and it scared him.

‘Okay, let’s freshen up first. Er, I’m guessing showering alone isn’t an option?’

John shook his head, clinging onto Mer like an octopus as his lover led the way to the bathroom. Mer pulled John out of the scrubs Carson had given him, and pushed him under the spray, ridding himself quickly of his own clothes and stepping in. Just the few moments apart had left John feeling jittery. Mer pulled himself close to John and massaged his neck and shoulders until John began to relax under his touch. He’d effectively just spent six months at a meditation retreat in paradise and yet he’d never been so tightly wound. Mer took his time lathering John’s body, and everywhere he touched brought John’s skin alive. He wasn’t going to just snap out of the depression he’d fallen into, but here with Mer, he could feel his world turning back from monochrome to colour. Mer moved onto shampooing his hair, and John was starting to melt round the edges. 

Then Mer’s hands moved downwards and Mer began to wash parts of John that were crying out to be touched. He took his time washing John’s cock and around his balls, and John began to harden under his careful ministrations. 

‘Can I blow you first?’ Mer asked, and John just nodded, his eyelids drooping. Mer kissed him, pressing him against the now-warm shower wall, and trailing his hand down John’s chest, playing with his nipples. He followed the trail of his hand with his mouth, sucking on each nipple til John gasped, then landing little biting kisses all the way down John’s front.

‘Gonna make you come so you’re all loose and relaxed when I tie you up and fuck you,’ Mer said, sending a jolt of electricity through John. 

Mer guided John’s cock into his mouth oh so gently, stroking down his hips and the crease of his thighs as he began to lick at the head. John liked to be teased, and Mer liked to tease, so he set up a slow and lazy rhythm that drove John absolutely nuts. Having Mer’s touch after months of misery was electrifying, but the sadness he’d felt for so long still clung to him even though Mer was alive, here, with his hot, wet mouth doing magical things to John’s cock.

Mer must have sensed this because he pulled off just for a second and said, ‘shh, it’s okay, let me make it better.’ Then he took John’s cock deep and increased the suction, and John realised he was suddenly close to orgasm and Mer’s mouth on him was feeling a lot like heaven.

Mer’s clever hands were exploring – one wrapped itself around the base of his shaft, the other traced around his balls, along his perineum, and up to his twitching asshole. Mer began to suck and jerk him in a fast, coordinated way, and as he did so, his finger began to press gently into John’s hole. His orgasm hit almost without warning, he just had time to say ‘I’m gonna –’ when the lightning strike hit, shaking through him hard. Mer held his ass and pressed him deeper into his throat, swallowing hard and milking him through the orgasm until he was tender and shaky.

Mer pulled off gently, and slid back up John’s body, kissing as he went. John could only stay upright because Mer had him pressed against the wall. He felt safe and warm and a little floaty as Mer kissed him, leaving the taste of his own come in his mouth. That almost got a rise out of him, sated though he was.

Mer reached for the soap and began to wash himself. 

‘I should . . .’ said John lazily.

‘No.’ Mer said firmly, ‘just let me take care of you, eh?’

John nodded, keeping his hands on Mer but lazily, watching his lover soap his perfectly lean, muscled body. Those agile hands slipped over his broad shoulders and through the sparse hair on his chest.

 _I thought I’d lost this._ John’s breath caught, hands dug into Mer’s skin to reassure himself that he was real. Mer wrapped himself around John, pressing kisses into his wet hair.

‘It’s okay, John, I’m here, it’s over. I can’t imagine what it was like, but it’s going to be okay.’ Mer wrapped him in a soft towel and dried him off, then led him to the bed and pushed him down on top of the covers, pulling the towel away. He’d turned the heat up, so there was no chill. Mer looked at him for a moment, his own breath catching a little.

‘You’re beautiful when you’re sad, but I want to make you happy again,’ he said, brushing away tears that John didn’t realise had gathered in the corners of his eyes.

Mer stretched over John, covering John’s body with his own, and held onto him tightly. 

‘So, what do you like most about being tied up?’ He asked. John balked at being asked to talk about his feelings, but he also felt surprisingly open, and just this once maybe he could. 

‘Pressure. Feeling held all over, anchored, tethered. Back there, it helped with how I was feeling lost and adrift, but it’s a . . . sensory thing, too, pressure on my skin calms me, grounds me.’

‘Is there anything you don’t like?’

‘Left shoulder can be tricky – don’t tie me so it pulls at the joint, other than that, it’s all good,’ John smiled, and it actually felt genuine. This was the first time anything in the dilation field felt remotely of consequence, because he was bringing the experience back to Mer.

‘One last question,’ Mer said. ‘Just how much control do you like to give up? Want me to tell you when you can come? Or is that a turn off?’

John’s cock answered for him, jumping against Mer at the thought of him having that much control. Mer put his hand over John’s already growing erection.

‘Definitely not a turn off, then, so is that a yes to letting me completely run this?’

‘God yes, Mer. Trust you with my life. With anything. I’m yours.’

Mer gasped a little at that. ‘Nobody ever said that to me before. I . . . I don’t know what to say.’ Mer stroked John’s bearded face, looking a little awed. 

Mer kissed him again, a bit fierce and bitey, then rubbed his face against John’s beard.

‘Seriously, this is my new favourite stim.’ He brushed John’s cheek and looked into John’s eyes. ‘Okay, can I tie you up now?’

‘Mmmm, yes please . . .’

Mer pulled a huge chest out from under his bed and unpacked what seemed to John an excessive amount of rope and cuffs. First, he fitted wide leather cuffs snugly on John’s upper arms, ankles and thighs. That alone had John’s cock hardening, but it was only the start. 

‘I’m going to use shibari knots on your torso. It’ll be very pretty. Mer created a symmetrical web of ropework over John’s torso, binding him snugly, but not _to_ anything yet. John reveled in the pressure of the ropes, and the feel of Mer’s hands moving efficiently around his body. Mer’s face was a picture of appreciative focus that had John melting.

Mer bound John’s arms tightly to his body, below the cuffs. ‘I’m doing this in deference to your bad shoulder. Feel okay?’

‘Mmmm . . . hmm,’ John was already feeling a thousand times more fantastic than when he did this with Teer. Well, he hadn’t done _this_ with Teer – her ties were pretty basic, and Mer’s were high art. He might have known this would be another thing the scientist was brilliant at.

Mer fixed the upper arm cuffs to ropes, and ran them under the bed, pulling John firmly into the mattress, til he was anchored so heavily he felt like he was growing roots.

 _God, that’s . . . fucking perfect_. John sighed happily, beginning to feel mellow.

A second set of ropes had been tied into John’s torso bindings. They ran from below his waist and up over his shoulders, woven into the web, and Mer tied them vertically under the bed. By now, John couldn’t move his upper body at all.

‘Should I leave your head free, or will that strain your neck?’ John thought about this. He wanted to watch Mer work, but he was also straining.

‘Want to see,’ he replied.

‘That’s not an answer.’

‘Want to see but I’m straining.’

‘Better.’ Okay, how’s this?’ Mer tucked another pillow under John’s head, and then ran a thick fabric band with a tiny amount of give over his forehead and under the ropes. It instantly took any remaining tension out of his upper body, and he sighed expansively.

‘Good?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Right, now your legs.’ Mer dropped a kiss on John’s lips and then moved down the bed. He took in John, lying with his torso bound, legs a little splayed, and his breath did a gratifying little hitch.

‘Okay, the next bit is a bit trial and error, I want you to be really, really comfy. This isn’t about pain, so give me feedback, okay?’ Mer was happy with traffic light (red for stop, yellow for slow, green for go) safewords but they’d also agreed that real words like stop, slow, not sure were every bit as good. Neither of them had a thing for non-consent play.

There was a big metal ring in Mer’s ceiling that John hadn’t noticed before, and now Mer ran lengths of chain from it. 

‘Kinky Ancients,’ Mer explained with a smile. ‘It came with the room. Why I picked it.’

This was getting a bit more full-on, and it made John both nervous and even more aroused. Now, Mer ran another length of rope under the bed, looped round the ropes restraining John’s upper body, and fastened it to one of the thigh cuffs.

‘Okay, let’s get you into position,’ Mer said, lifting John’s leg and pulling the rope through so in pulled John’s thigh back and outwards, then fastening the other thigh back in the same way, leaving John’s legs pulled back and splayed. Then he fastened the ankle cuffs to the thigh cuffs. It left John feeling open, exposed, vulnerable, and instantly hard.

Mer stroked his erection gently. ‘You like that, huh? Is it comfortable, though?’

‘Yeah,’ John breathed.

‘Okay, now for the chains.’ Mer used carabiners to fix the loops on the other side of the thigh cuffs to the chain coming from the ceiling, so that John’s pelvis was lifted off the bed by a few inches, exposing him even more. The long ends of the cold chain trailed down his thighs, adding another sensation he really appreciated. John shivered with want, thinking about how perfect this position was to be fucked in. Mer tucked a pillow under his raised ass and made sure he was 100% comfortable. He asked John again how he was doing, and John felt like he was being pushed hard, being made to keep talking about how he was feeling.

‘I’m perfect, Mer, absolutely fucking perfect. Apart from my desperate need to be fucked,’ John said, beginning to feel the urgency of his desire.

But Mer just looked at him, smiling. ‘All in good time. All in _my_ time. God, John, do you know how beautiful you are like this? I’d love to take a picture of you, all spread out, tied down, exposed and perfect.’

‘So take one.’ John couldn’t believe he’d said that, but he wanted to see, desperately.

‘Really? John, are you sure?’

John nodded. Fuck, he just kept discovering new kinks.

‘Okay. But we can delete them straight after. Whatever you want, John.’ He went and got his little digital camera from the drawer and spent a couple of minutes carefully and thoughtfully finding the right angles to show off his work.

 _His work._ God, that gave John shivers, to be nothing more or less than clay for Mer to sculpt.

Mer contemplated the pictures he’d taken, taking the time to delete the ones he didn’t like before showing them to John.

Fuck, but that was hot, seeing himself through Mer’s lens, trussed up, spread out, vulnerable, aroused and unable to do anything but take what was given to him.

Mer kissed him, letting his hand trail across John’s front as he did so, playing with the nipples that showed between the ropes.

‘God, John . . .’ John had never really felt loved before, but with Mer it was evident in everything he did. 

‘I think I need to be inside you. Soon.’ Mer said, deepening the kiss. If John could move a muscle, his body would have arched up into Mer’s touch. As it was, all he could do was accept the attention of his lover. Mer kissed his way down John’s body, then grabbed the lube and settled between John’s legs. 

John felt a moment of fear rush into him – he’d never done this before, and he was suddenly aware of a crowding-in of every negative message he’d ever had about anal sex. His father’s disapproval suddenly weighed heavily on his chest and he couldn’t breathe. He saw himself through the world’s disapproving eyes instead of his own – about to have kinky gay sex. He could feel the edges of a panic attack pulling at him.

‘It’s okay, John, it’s ok.’ Mer dropped the lube and slipped back up the bed and wrapped strong arms around John as best he could, whispering reassurance. ‘We can stop any time, it’s ok. Just take long breaths out, long as you can. Don’t even think about the in-breath. You’re safe, and nothing bad can happen here. Nothing you don’t want to. I can have you out of these bonds in a second if you ask me to. And if you’re not ready for this, that’s okay. It was perfect just getting this far, and the rest can happen another day.’

It took forever for John to get his breathing right, but eventually he ground out, ‘don’t want you to untie me. Don’t want to stop. Just want to get my homophobic father out of my fucking head.’ John knew he had tears in his eyes.

‘It’s okay, John, the man is in another galaxy. You’re not in the military anymore and the republican party, the church and Patrick Sheppard are all three million light years from here. None of them matter, only us and how we feel about each other. If we want this, it’s okay. Nobody’s getting hurt, and we’re getting happy. All I want in the universe right now is to make you happy, to make you feel good. I can’t see any reason in heaven why that would be a bad thing.’

Mer reached over the side of the bed and pulled up a blanket, draping it over John. ‘Just for a minute, to make you feel protected. I think I know something else that may help, too.’ Mer briefly got up, rummaging in his chest, before he was back, holding John tightly.

The blanket did help. John was coming back down off the edge of panic, letting his bonds and Mer’s touch ground him.

‘Close your eyes,’ Mer said to John, and he did. He felt Mer remove the head restraint, slip something else round his head, then replace the band. ‘I’ll take it off straight away if it doesn’t help. Open up.’ 

It was a blindfold. And it was perfect. John’s stupid lizard-brain immediately felt less exposed, as if the lights were out and suddenly it was okay for wicked things to happen. He shivered, letting his arousal make its presence felt again.

‘That helps. I’m sorry.’

‘Hey, no place for sorry here. Everything’s perfect. You’re perfect.’ John just couldn’t understand the scale of the affection in Mer’s voice, but it made him feel safe again. Mer was running his hands over John under the blanket, stroking patches of skin that showed between the ropes, playing with his nipples. 

‘I still really want you to fuck me,’ John said at last, his arousal growing again. He couldn’t believe the things he was saying, how needy he was being. He could imagine himself begging, desperate and wanton, and it unnerved him.

‘And I will, eventually. There’s absolutely no rush,’ Mer was lazily stroking John’s inner thighs now, and playing with the ankles that were bound to John’s thighs. John was beginning to sink down again into that mellow place the bindings took him. Mer started to fondle his balls, stroke his cock, then traced along his perineum and round his hole.

‘Yeah, Mer, please . . . want your fingers in me.’ _God, was he really saying that?_

Mer lubed his fingers and started to gently press in. This time, John let go of the shame and focused on the sensation – all those nerve endings firing off from Mer’s touch. His body offered surprisingly little resistance. Mer’s stout finger dipped deeper and deeper until it found his prostate and gently massaged, setting off little sparks inside him.

John tried to squirm with pleasure, but the bonds held him tight. 

Mer slipped a second finger inside him, dipping in and out achingly slowly, tagging his prostate at random moments, taking his sweet time.

‘Getting warm . . .’ John had liked feeling safe and concealed under the blanket, but he also liked being on show for Mer. He’s never liked his skinny, scarred, hairy body, but Mer’s appreciation of it was like a drug.

‘Want me to get rid of the blanket?’ John nodded. Mer pulled it off with a happy sigh, and John’s arousal rocketed upwards at the touch of Mer’s unseen gaze. 

Mer went on fucking John with two fingers for what seemed like forever. When John tried to urge him on, Mer only said, ‘all in good time, John,’ and if anything slowed things down even more. Eventually, John realised how much he wanted to watch Mer, how much he was missing with the blindfold. 

‘Want to see you,’ he said breathlessly.

‘Close your eyes.’ Mer responded, and reached up with his free hand to lift the blindfold up, leaving it to be replaced if needed. ‘Just say if you need it back,’ he said.

John watched, transfixed, as Mer’s hand disappeared beneath him, fucking him slow and certain. A look of serious concentration was on Mer’s face, the kind he got when he was doing something that was going to save a life or win a nobel. This was _that_ important to him. 

Mer slipped his fingers out and John groaned, but he only lubed them up more and went back in, this time with three fingers stretching him wider. He loved the pull, the feel of being opened up, but he was sure he was ready to be fucked.

‘I’m ready, Mer.’

‘You’re ready when I say you are,’ said Mer, landing a playful smack on John’s thigh.

‘Mmmm,’ John tried to wriggle in response to that, and Mer’s eyes went wide.

‘Noted,’ he said, and carried on fucking John as deep as he could with his fingers, now adding a fourth, which increased the burn but still felt amazing.

Finally, he pulled out his fingers. 

‘I’d really like to be inside you now. Is that okay?’

‘Yes. God, yes please,’ John said, both aroused and a little disconcerted by his own neediness.

Mer put on a condom, even though he didn’t strictly need one as they had an agreement not to share body fluids with anyone but each other. He lubed up his thick cock and settled between John’s legs.

The moment John felt Mer pressing at his entrance he felt the opposite of all that shame and doubt – this was so _right_ , so natural, so necessary, he just needed Mer all the way inside him. Like, _now._

‘Want you inside me so badly,’ he said, meeting Mer’s blue eyes.

Mer pressed in, slowly and carefully, the burn growing until John hissed as he hit a muscle that wasn’t relaxing yet. Mer pulled back, stilled, waiting for John to relax some more. When he pressed back in moments later, it barely hurt at all, and he carried on further, stopping when John was as full as he could be. 

‘God, so good.’ _Can’t believe I’ve waited thirty-eight years for this._

John thought Mer couldn’t penetrate him any further, but he pulled back a little, and then gently sank even deeper. 

‘Ohhhhhhh,’ was all John could manage to say. 

Mer leaned forward and captured his mouth, at first kissing John tenderly, then escalating the kiss, fucking into his mouth with his tongue. As he did so he pulled back the tiniest amount and sank deeper. John could feel the base of Mer’s cock buried all the way in, the brush of his balls and pubes. He wanted to be fucked, but he also didn’t want Mer to ever move from this perfect position. John was as anchored as he needed to be – tightly bound and deeply filled. The very opposite of lost and adrift, he was safe and found.

They stayed like that, kissing deeply, moving only in little pushes and thrusts, for a small eternity. Until John was breathless and desperate and making small, needy whines. Then Mer’s lips left his and trailed up his neck from his collarbone until he whispered gruffly into John’s ear.

‘I’m going to fuck you now.’ 

John nodded, eager, sparks of want flying through him. Mer kissed him one more time, then pushed himself up, getting a strong grip on John’s thighs and beginning to work his cock carefully in and out of John. Slowly at first, but with an increase in speed each time, until he was thrusting in and out, hard and fast and deep, and John was moaning loudly from the searing heat and pleasure of being trussed up and fucked hard.

Six months in an unreal place with people trying to escape their own bodies, and now suddenly the world was solid and real and good. If John had spent the last year and a half learning how to ground himself, Mer inside him proved to be the ultimate way of achieving that.

Mer had been mostly avoiding John’s prostate, and John was hovering on the edge of orgasm even so. He knew now he was going to be one of those guys who could come untouched, because it was taking effort not to let himself soar to completion. But he remembered what Mer had asked, wanted it desperately. He loved letting Mer be in control of his body. Learning what he could be in someone else’s hands.

‘John, look at me,’ Mer said, and John’s eyes once again focused on Mer’s sky-blue, lust-blown irises.

He shifted his position and angle of thrust, and rammed hard into John, getting his prostate with such precision John cried out. Much more of that, and John wasn’t going to be able to last.

‘Can you come without me touching you?’ Mer asked, replicating that same fierce thrust and sending shivers through John. He was hanging onto his orgasm by his fingernails. He nodded vigorously, no longer able to form words.

Mer made a few more thrusts like that, and John was going insane, being driven higher and higher and not letting himself break. He honestly didn’t realise he had such willpower. He suspected it was as much Mer’s control as it was his strength – he really had given himself over completely to his lover.

Mer’s thrusts were getting erratic, his breathing hard, and John loved watching him come apart, his desperate need to orgasm showing on his face, a reflection, no doubt, of John’s own. His body slid closer to John’s, his thrusts were shallower but more brutal, still getting John’s prostate each time, still trying to send him over the edge while he hung on with the combined force of his own and Mer’s will. 

‘Just . . . hang on for me . . . one more minute . . .’ Mer was relentless, pumping into him, driving him higher inexorably, to places he didn’t know he could go. They were both biting their lips, holding back cries, watching each other’s eyes like the sexiest game of _don’t blink_ ever. 

‘Nearly . . .’ As Mer said that he thrust _even harder_ and John knew he couldn’t hold it any more.

‘Now, John,’ Mer said with incredible precision as John’s orgasm took hold of him, shaking him apart. He cried out as Mer’s hips bucked into him. His cock sprayed his chest, spurt after spurt, and just when he thought he was through with the aftershocks, Mer reached down, pumping his cock, and it was as if another orgasm hit, as he shook uncontrollably, pumping more come out over Mer’s hand as Mer continued to buck inside of him.

Mer crawled up his body, smearing them both with come from John’s chest as he did so, and kissed him intensely, pushing the restraint off his forehead as he did so.

‘God, you’re . . .’

John could feel tears spring up in his eyes, and he wanted to tell Mer it was a good thing, a happy thing, a release-of-38-years-of-toxic-bullshit thing. But all that came out of his throat was a sob.

‘Shit, John, was it too much? Hold on and I’ll get you untied . . .’ 

John shook his head vigorously, glad he could move that little bit but in no hurry to be freed of the rest of his bindings. Mer quickly released his legs, and untied him from the bed, but left his arms and chest bound together. He wrapped John in the blanket and wrapped himself around John, holding him as tightly as he could.

Eventually, John found his words.

‘It was perfect, Mer. It was perfect. _You’re_ perfect.’


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘My whole life I’ve done what was expected. I didn’t even think about what I want. I go along with things, Mer. I’ve been known to go along with things all the way to the wedding chapel. And suddenly I can’t hide that from myself, and it’s excruciating.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: Discussion of consent issues in relation to Mara, the King's daughter in S2 E15 The Tower. Mer discusses past consent issues and a past abusive relationship.

The noise of the mess was almost painful after the quiet of the sanctuary, and it gave John insight into how Mer must feel all the time. Every clank of plates and jangle of cutlery hit his nerves, spearing through the hubbub of voices. Mer had his iPod earphones in and was a little zoned out from it all, focused on his unnecessarily healthy lunch and letting himself be oblivious to the overwhelming environment, caught in his own private, unreachable bubble. This was why they rarely ate together at busy times, but their mission started in an hour and they needed to fuel up.

Ford and Teyla were lost in their own conversation – they were unlikely friends, but there was definitely a bond there John couldn’t fathom. Aiden looked up to Teyla, learned from her, but he also brought out something light and carefree in her.

John suspected Teyla had a lot to do with the way Ford had readily accepted his and Mer’s relationship. Or maybe the man was just maturing.

Ronon leaned forward, saying quietly, ‘when I first came here, and there were all these people . . . it was too much sometimes.’

John lifted his eyes to meet those of his newest friend. They had really only just been getting to grips with each other when John had been exiled for 6 months. John felt excessively drawn to the man on just about every level. He was pretty certain, had he been single, he would have fallen for Ronon. Mer constantly reminded him that he still could, but one lover was really enough for John right now, especially when that lover was Mer McKay.

John had changed, he realised. Or rather, the armour of cool he’d kept around him his whole adult life just wasn’t there for him the way it used to be. It left him feeling raw, vulnerable. Mer had opened him up in a way that now _anyone_ could get in. Having Ronon just look at him this way and _see_ how he was feeling was disconcerting – he’d always been so good at hiding it, even from himself.

‘Thanks, Chewie,’ John said, acknowledging the empathy his friend was offering.

‘Dunno why you call me that,’ Ronon’s look was puzzled.

 _Because people have been saying I look like Harrison Ford ever since I lost my puppy fat, and “first mate” is a safe box to put you into._ John didn’t think he could explain all that to Ronon.

‘It’s supposed to mean you’re my sidekick . . . my right-hand man, go-to guy. He’s a character in a movie . . . he’s important to the hero.’

Ronon rolled his eyes and smirked. ‘You Earthers. You put yourselves in the middle of every story. Maybe you missed the part where _I’m_ the hero and _you’re_ the sidekick?’ He softened his sharp words with a big grin that disarmed John.

There was no malice in what Ronon said, but it packed a punch. John had been schooled enough by Teyla and Aiden on his obliviousness to the racial dynamics going on all around him to realise he had to do some thinking about this. As a rich white boy, he’d been raised to think the world revolved around people like him, even if his differences had left him somewhat on the outside of that bubble.

Ronon’s words pulled at something in John that was deeper than his upbringing – a desire to serve, to give himself over to the Pegasuns and be of use here. He could absolutely live with being the sidekick to people like Ronon and Teyla, and maybe in the end that was the way this whole mission should go.

***

‘A second control chair, more puddlejumpers, more drones, and maybe even a second city ship, John. I think that was worth making nice with the king’s daughter.’

Mer was making hot chocolate at the little burner in his room and John was leaning against the counter, trying to look casual but feeling anything but.

John’s excruciating confession about what had happened with Mara had been met with complete nonchalance by Mer. The whole thing had made him a little queasy – John was not good at saying no to pushy women, but he’d taken scant pleasure from what happened. Looking back, she’d clearly been after his genes, and John hadn’t complied – the agreement was that he and Mer didn’t share body fluids with anyone but one another. But there had been a brief, excruciating fumble that left John oddly shaken.

Mer’s comment really wasn’t helping.

‘What am I, just some trade item to help Atlantis sweeten the deal?’ He was irritated and ready to fight Mer, but Mer’s face showed a surprised realisation.

‘John . . . I’m sorry, I . . .’ Mer sought for words and seemed to be failing. He poured their drinks and motioned for them both to sit on his couch. ‘It was unwanted. It made you uncomfortable . . . I’m sorry I made light of it.’

John thought about that for a while. He wasn’t comfortable with what happened with Mara, but equally didn’t like to make a big deal about it. He wanted to gloss over the whole thing, but he breathed into it instead.

‘My whole life I’ve done what was expected. I didn’t even think about what I want. I go along with things, Mer. I’ve been known to go along with things all the way to the wedding chapel. And suddenly I can’t hide that from myself, and it’s excruciating.’

‘It sounds like nobody ever talked to you about consent.’

‘She didn’t force me, Mer,’ John felt uncomfortable with where this was going. ‘I didn’t force her either.’

‘Never said you did, but nobody took the time to check in with each other – do we really want to do this? There’s a world of difference between not saying no and saying yes.’

That landed strongly in John. Mer talked a different language when it came to sex, but John knew he was right. He put down his drink and sidled up against Mer on the couch, resting his head on Mer’s shoulder so he didn’t have to look at him when he said what he was going to say.

‘I feel like I’m really messed up about sex. Not just the gay thing . . . there’s boxes and boxes of stuff to sort through and . . .’

Mer slid an arm round John’s shoulders and squeezed. ‘And?’ he asked eventually, after John trailed off.

‘I thought you and I would be all about wild kinky sex and instead you get lumbered with helping me through my issues.’ Not that there hadn’t been some mind-blowing fucking of late, but dammit, John was being forced to think about sex and talk about sex more than actually having it, and apart from some bondage, what they had done had been amazing but mostly vanilla.

‘I’m a talker, I’m sorry,’ Mer’s voice was tight, that tone he got when he was afraid of being rejected.

‘No, Mer . . . it needs to happen, I’m grateful. It’s just . . . excruciating,’ John said grabbing Mer’s hand and squeezing it tightly.

‘You’re not the only one who learned the hard way about how fucked up it is our culture doesn’t have proper conversations about sex and consent, John.’

Mer had hinted about being hurt in the past, but his history was still a bit of a mystery to John.

‘You always get me talking, but there’s things you haven’t told me, Mer,’ he said gently.

Mer seemed to sag a little, leaning against John and sinking further into the couch as he stared into his drink. John sipped the perfect, bittersweet hot chocolate and waited (Mer made his with sweetener, of course, but John was a sugar junkie, even though he was getting a little flabbier since leaving the military).

‘You see the problem with being kinky is that you only see yourself in bad porn, or villains in sci fi and police dramas,’ Mer said, sighing a little. ‘It’s sold as manipulative, abusive, dangerous, and a lot of people don’t know that from safe play.’ John could feel the tension coming off him and knew that this observation wasn’t merely academic.

He tangled his fingers around Mer’s, really not liking the thought of Mer being hurt. He stilled himself, trying to give Mer space to open up.

‘If people think that it’s all abusive then they won’t be looking for what’s safe,’ Mer continued, and John bit down the temptation to quote Heightmeyer – _do you want to own that statement?_

‘Huh,’ said John, ‘that actually makes a lot of sense. I guess that’d make someone new to it or vulnerable kind of at risk . . .’

‘Exactly,’ Mer said, ‘so for example when a Dom manipulates a sub into doing stuff they don’t want to do by making them afraid of being abandoned if they don’t do it. Or tells them that’s just how the scene is and they need to grow up and deal with it. Or getting them into headspace and taking advantage.’ Mer shivered a little and John pulled himself up straight and wrapped his arms around his lover. 

Mer looked at him and sagged. ‘Yeah. It happened to me. More than once, but with one person in particular in my teens. And it’s probably not fair for me to blame it on kink because an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship. Andrew used kink as a weapon but if I hadn’t been kinky he’d have just used something else.’

‘I’m sorry,’ John said, ‘I can see how someone exploring this could be real vulnerable. I’m glad I have you.’

Mer tipped his forehead against John’s. John noticed he was doing the breathing-and-grounding thing. They stayed like that for a while, and John teased his fingers through Mer’s locks as he calmed himself down.

‘Anyway,’ Mer said eventually, pulling back just slightly, ‘I’ve had a lot of therapy about it, but the experience has given me some pretty strict rules. Some might say too strict.’

‘I mean,’ John smirked, ‘seems to me having your own rules about this stuff is exactly the point. And I’m pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with being strict either . . .’

Mer smiled. ‘Well, fair. But John, don’t you think it’s time you told me what your rules are? More to the point, don’t you think it’s time you told yourself?’

‘I wouldn’t know where to start,’ John said, suddenly feeling out of his depth. ‘I don’t know what I like, what I want, what my limits are, what my boundaries are . . .’

‘And how can we play safely if you don’t know those things?’ Mer asked earnestly.

‘Point.’ John sighed. But he still didn’t know where to start with all this. ‘Will you help me?’

‘Of course I will. But I don’t want you to think just because I’m experienced with me that that means I’m somehow going to have it figured out for you. You still have to figure it out for yourself, John. If anyone tells you who you are or what you want or to trust their experience beyond your own insight, run a fucking mile.’

‘Noted. Although I wasn’t really planning to explore this with anyone but you.’

‘Okay, but there may be experiences you can’t have with me. We could role-play, but if you feel like there are some scenes missing from your emerging gay identity, or things you missed out on when you were younger, or stuff in yourself you just want to confront or play with, it’s not like there aren’t options.’

John wasn’t going to pretend that something about what Mer just said drew him, but he filed it away. There was a measure of internalised homophobia in some of his fantasies about what it would be like to explore his sexuality if he didn’t have a partner. And, even after what happened with Mara, there was a push/pull feeling about sex with strangers – or at least with _male_ strangers. Imagining some anonymous man’s cock in his mouth worked him up in a way he didn’t really understand. Maybe one day he really would want to explore that.

All of this talking and thinking about sex was suddenly making John horny as hell. He put down his cup and rose up on his knees next to Mer, slinging a leg across Mer’s lap, so that he was straddling him.

‘Can we make out now, please?’ 

Mer smiled. ‘I’m all yours. Do with me what you will, long as you ask nicely.’

John felt a buzz of nervousness run through him. He was used to letting Mer run things, and he hadn’t really decided yet if that was because he was naturally submissive or just new to this and lacking confidence. He knew Mer was not going to let him get away with just being passive. He realised just how scared he was of letting Mer down with his lack of experience.

Mer sensed his hesitation, ‘John, just make love to me. I’m not asking for a complicated scene, I don’t even want that right now. I just want you. By way of confirmation, Mer lifted his hips until his erection pressed against John’s. John moaned, sliding his hands down Mer’s back and locking lips with him as he ground against him.

‘Can I fuck you?’ he asked, suddenly wanting that with every bit of himself, body heart and soul.

Something in Mer seemed to give, he relaxed in John’s arms until he was almost liquid. ‘Oh yes please,’ Mer said, ‘been longing for you to be inside of me.’

They shed their clothes and moved onto the bed. Mer remained a puddle in the middle of the sheets, passively allowing John to do whatever he wanted. Although it had scared him at first, John was beginning to get high on the experience of watching Mer respond to his touches and kisses. He took his time to explore his lover’s body, remembering to keep his touch firm, although Mer’s touch sensitivity wasn’t as much of a problem once he was in this headspace. He found plenty of places on Mer’s body that got a big response, and John took delight in nibbling behind Mer’s knees, sucking his nipples, gently biting his collarbone. 

Mer just continued to melt, and by the time John had 3 fingers inside of him and his cock heavy in John’s mouth, Mer was moaning and squirming and begging, and it was the hottest thing John had ever seen. He forgot all about the fact that he didn’t know what he was doing, he was massaging his lover’s prostate and making him moan and tonguing his cock just lightly enough not to make him come, just come apart.

‘God, John, please fuck me!’ Mer lifted his hips right off the bed, moaning from John’s attention to his prostate and cock.

John didn’t need to be asked twice. He released Mer’s cock with one last suck and slid his fingers out of his lover, lubing up his cock and then kissing his way up Mer’s body, finding his lover’s lips with his own. His tongue teased its way into Mer’s mouth at the same moment as his cock breached Mer’s body. He sighed at the incredible feeling of being inside Mer, and Mer moaned.

‘Yes, John, yes.’ He lifted his body towards John, pushing himself further onto John’s cock. John sank down into him until their bodies were tight against each other, and his tongue was deep inside Mer’s mouth, flicking and exploring, the only thing moving while their bodies stilled and revelled in the closeness. Then John pulled back and slid back into Mer.

‘Ohhhhh . . .’ Mer was so fucking responsive it was breathtaking. John pushed himself up on his arms so he could look down at his lover and watch his responses. He sped up his thrusts, and began to play with Mer’s nipples, pinching them a little harder than he had before. 

‘Yes, fuck yes,’ Mer was writhing under him, his back arching off the bed, lost in pleasure. John had done that to him. It was the biggest high of his life.

‘You’re beautiful,’ he said, his voice full of awe, looking down at his lover’s flushed, pale skin, his kiss-swollen lips, the way his hair tumbled on the pillow. ‘So fucking beautiful.’ He sped up his thrusts, beginning to lose any remnants of composure. He’d found an angle that was making Mer cry out a little desperately, so he kept doing that, pinching his lover’s nipples even harder and thinking about whether he should stroke Mer’s cock to get him off.

But there was no need. Mer suddenly arched off the bed with a sharp cry, pushing himself hard onto John’s cock, and came and came. If John had thought he was beautiful before, this was exquisite. His lover was totally lost in pleasure. Mer’s muscles contracted around John’s cock, and John’s own orgasm hit him like a dropped piano. His body jerked into Mer’s, emptying himself into his lover. He collapsed forward, still jerking with after-shocks, kissing Mer deeply, overwhelmed and astonished by how his lover had responded to him.

Mer wriggled a little, tipping them both onto their sides. John’s softening cock slipped out of his lover, and he felt a tiny bit of loss, but Mer’s arms were tight around him.

‘Wow.’ Was all Mer said, and John nuzzled his bearded face into Mer’s chest and tried to pretend to himself that his eyes weren’t yet again wet with tears.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I’ve been doing this on my own time because I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. I think I have a plan to defeat the wraith.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for a significant wraith culling. John starts to write down his fantasies - including the non-con ones.

When they got together, Mer had given John his sex book. John hadn’t known why he expected some linen bound notebook, but what he got was an encrypted file, containing a document 114 pages long. He had stayed up all night reading it. It was gripping, to say the least. It was also the most intimate thing John had ever done with another human being. Reading every detail about Mer’s inner life, his deepest fantasies, his sexual experiences.

There were chapters called things like _“getting the most out of your McKay” “autism and what you need to know”, “fantasies – the ones I like to act out, and the ones I don’t”_ and _“really kinky stuff and how and why I like it”._ There were subsections on trauma triggers and squicks, and various incredibly useful tutorials on everything from correct use of a flogger to beginner and advanced shibari, an artistic form of Japanese rope bondage that John had already had a taste of. There were a lot of really interesting musings and no small amount of snark towards some kinksters Mer had encountered. 

John took to heart where Mer had written _an erection is not consent_ and _not saying no isn’t saying yes._ He needed to hear that. He wished he’d learned it a long time ago.

There were pictures and diagrams that John was tempted to jerk off to, and others that terrified him. A lot of the things he read were so fucking hot John couldn’t keep his hand of his cock when he read them. 

Mer spelt everything out so unambiguously and the approach was intoxicating to John, who had never managed direct communication about a damn thing in his life.

John was finally writing his own book, using Mer’s as a template. It was laborious and painful and made him squirm. So far he had a 7 page document with subtitles like _“how my ADHD affects me”_ and _“my sexual history and why it’s mostly irrelevant”_ (writing that one had made him feel like a 38 year old virgin, for how little his experiences up til now informed what he needed going forward). John kept a couple of McKay’s titles, _“fantasies – the ones I like to act out, and the ones I don’t”_ and _“ ~~really~~ kinky stuff and how and why I (think I might) like it”_, although it was going to take some thinking, and some courage to populate them beyond a few tentative sentences. John felt his face burning when he wrote in these sections, and he wondered if he was going to be brave enough to show them to Mer. But he could at least start by being honest with himself.

It started pretty tame, with John carefully editing out the more extreme fantasies and porn that preoccupied him. It took a few days to summon the nerve to talk about that stuff.

_I love being tied up and this is why . . ._

_I get off on the idea of spanking and I’m pretty sure I want to try that. Soon. Please. I don’t know what it is about it, because I don’t think I exactly get turned on by pain . . ._

John wrote and deleted the next bit at least five times before finally allowing himself to leave it.

_I find master/slave stories incredibly hot, but I don’t know what I think about that, I worry about what that says about me and how problematic the stories are. They’re only hot when the slave is totally into it. The more absolute the control is, the better. Apparently, I’m sick but that gets me off. A lot. I think maybe I want to play with this, role play the fantasy, but it scares me. Pretty sure I don’t want it for real, though._

_I get off on the idea of public sex, and particularly the idea of being tied down and taken by multiple men. I’m really uncomfortable admitting this. I’m even more uncomfortable admitting that I’m not sure if this is just a fantasy that should stay a fantasy or whether I deep down want it to happen in real life. I’m scaring the shit out of myself even writing this._

There was one subsection titled “submission” and double underlined. The word was becoming huge and complicated and confusing in John’s head, but he couldn’t quite manage to put any of his thoughts onto paper, so the section remained blank for a long time.

*** 

‘John, we need to talk about Ronon.’ 

They were lounging on Mer’s couch, having just finished the first season of _Battlestar Galactica_ and agreed it was better than the original.

‘We do?’ 

‘Yeah. About the way the air sizzles between the two of you and what’s going to happen about that.’ 

John still couldn’t wrap his head around the way Mer just said things _out loud_ like that. He’d grown to like it, because it more than made up for his own inability to say much of anything out loud. What he wasn’t saying right now was _I’m not the only person around here with sizzling going on, McKay._

Apparently, though, his look said everything. 

‘Okay, and me, I know, I know. And I’ve been thinking about all the things the three of us could do together, and how intensely fucking hot that would be.’

John squirmed, a flush of heat coursing through him. He didn’t really know what he thought of the idea of Mer, Ronon and him together, but his dick certainly liked the idea.

‘But the thing is,’ Mer went on, ‘I can’t get away from the fact that I’m objectifying the man, and given he’s a friend, he deserves better. And it’s also plain to see that his flirting could very easily be coming from a place of being lost and looking for attachment. I suspect anybody who takes him to their bed is going to need to show him a measure of kindness and commitment.’

John still didn’t say anything. He was slightly disconcerted by how much Mer had thought about this. 

‘Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sure the two of you would be incredibly hot together, and I can’t pretend that’s not something I want to see, and I can’t pretend I’d begrudge you if you took the man into your bed, but I’m letting you know for accountability purposes that my plan here is to take a few cold showers and read some enlightening words about the sexual objectification of brown bodies, and try and learn to treat Ronon like the brother he needs me to be rather than a piece of prime meat.’

‘You’re not wrong.’ John said finally, ‘not about any of it.’ He had imagined him and Ronon, but something had not felt right about it from the start. He was grateful to Mer for putting into words his own feelings. Ronon might be putting out heat that was hard not to respond to, but what he really needed from John and Mer was brotherhood. And that’s what he was going to get.

Fortunately for all concerned, Ronon soon found attachment of the sexual variety with Evan Lorne, and Lorne had an almost unnatural capacity to be deeply attentive to his many lovers. Once all that sexual energy was earthed, Mer and John found it a little easier to cope with their own attractions. But for John, they never really went away.

***

Mer was acting squirrelly about something, and John was trying not to get jealous of the time whatever-it-was kept taking up. They’d never had 9-to-5 jobs, but they weren’t in a crisis just now and Mer was pulling more than the usual amount of all-nighters.

‘Mer, you’re gonna burn yourself out. No Nobel is worth this.’ They’d gone back to John’s room after dinner for a quickie, and now Mer was heading back to the lab.

Mer took a long moment to plunder John’s mouth and run loving fingers through his hair.

‘Trust me, this is way better than a Nobel, and much more important, John. Give me another week, and all will be revealed.’

Sure enough, a week later they went into a senior staff meeting to find the conference table littered with unfamiliar tech. Elizabeth raised her eyebrows at Mer.

‘I’ll explain under Any Other Business,’ Mer said cryptically. ‘I promise you’ll like it’. There was a gleeful energy pouring off him, and of course Elizabeth rushed through the other items to give him time to present his project. John was dying of curiosity. They finally got to AOB, and Mer brought up some schematics on the screen for them all to see.

‘I’ve been doing this on my own time because I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. I _think_ I have a plan to defeat the wraith.’

John’s heart broke a little to see the looks on Ronon’s and Teyla’s faces. No wonder Mer had kept this secret because you’d have to be sure to say something like that to two people who had gone through what they had gone through. John himself felt irrepressible excitement to hear about whatever weapon his genius lover had come up with. Elizabeth, Carson, and Lorne looked to be on similar tenterhooks.

‘You’re probably expecting a weapon. This isn’t a weapon. I thought and thought about this, and I don’t think we can beat the wraith militarily, not if the Ancients were unable to. But there is a way we can beat them. We can take away their food supply.’

‘And how do we do that, Mer?’ Elizabeth asked.

‘Well, we are in a very different situation than the Ancients were 10,000 years ago. The wraith have tragically hunted their prey to the verge of extinction in this galaxy. Many came out of hibernation in the hopes of a new feeding ground, and now they appear to be staying awake out of desperation to find that feeding ground and not allow the various factions to gain control. Their numbers were the undoing of the Ancients, but this time round their numbers might be their own undoing.’

‘The extinction of Pegasus natives may be very bad for the wraith Mer, but I’d hardly call it a victory.’ Elizabeth said sharply.

‘No, no! I mean, I think I have a way to make sure those people left in the galaxy can be protected and starve the wraith out.’ Mer said hurriedly. ‘Let me explain the tech in front of you.’

John surveyed the items before him. ‘Okay, that looks a little bit like a shield generator. And that one is definitely a sensor.’

‘Bingo.’ Mer shot John a pleased smile. ‘In fact, this is a gate shield, powered by the gate itself, and designed to work just like the one we have here in Atlantis. With the added design feature that it can also be set to prevent a dial-in. So, if the wraith try their usual trick, they’ll lose their connection after 38 minutes and we can render them unable to reestablish it. And this,’ he said, indicating the larger piece of equipment, ‘is a long-range sensor that can be powered by a small naquadah generator. It can detect any wraith ship, hive, cruiser or dart, to a distance that equates to two day’s journey.’

‘I can see the potential in both those technologies, Mer,’ Elizabeth said, ‘but perhaps you could tell us why you think they might spell the end for the wraith?’

‘You’re thinking of setting up sanctuary planets.’ John said, feeling increasingly excited by Mer’s vision.

‘Got it in one.’ Mer smiled earnestly at his lover. ‘With the gate shields, we can stop the wraith dialling in for a cull, and with long range sensors we can ensure there is time to evacuate, provided we don’t overpopulate the sanctuaries.’

‘But people won’t be able to travel to a planet with a shield,’ John pointed out.

‘Which is why the shield device has a built-in communicator, and why handheld communicators to connect to those worlds on dial-in will be made available to various allies, and why there will be certain unpopulated planets that will have static communicators attached to their gates, as well as their own sensors. Obviously, there are a lot of security issues to work through, but basically, we can create a number of sanctuary planets as well as guarded and monitored gateway planets that can act as intermediaries for people wanting to journey into the sanctuary. I’m thinking extinct worlds that have infrastructure for refugees to move into such as Sateda, Hoff and Olesia for the sanctuaries.’

‘Not Doranda?’ John interjected.

‘Too much environmental degradation,’ Mer replied. ‘Anyway, as I was saying . . . with their gates shielded and a two-day warning of approaching wraith ships, it should always be possible to evacuate the population in time to avert a cull. The wraith will either turn on each other and do our job for us, or go into a mass hibernation, in which case we can pick them off in their sleep.’

Mer didn’t look at John or Elizabeth. Instead, he was focused on Teyla and Ronon. ‘What you think?’ He asked, clearly anxious.

‘I think it may well work,’ Teyla said. ‘And you are right, that the small number of humans left in this galaxy, however much of a tragedy that is, does present us with a unique opportunity that we should grasp with both hands.’

‘Well, if Teyla and Ronon approve of your plan, Mer, then I would say you have a go. Ronon?’

‘It’s good,’ Ronon grunted. He looked gloomy, but not disapproving. 

‘And the rest of you?’ Elizabeth asked.

Lorne had some questions, but nobody had objections. By the time the meeting came to a close, they had a working plan to end the wraith. 

*** 

After that, Mer and John didn’t get a lot of personal time together for a while, Mer was so busy overseeing the manufacture and installation of shields and sensors. Their team, meanwhile, left Atlantis daily, spreading the news of the plan and recruiting trustworthy people to help execute it. John hated every minute of the team being offworld without Mer, but he couldn’t help but be excited by the response from the Pegasus natives. 

If this had been Earth, he knew people would be resistant, desperate to stay in their homes. But there was such a tradition of migration here that folks were excited and cooperative. The hardest part was maintaining security during the migration. Wraith worshippers were everywhere, and if the wraith caught onto their plans, they would be vulnerable before the shields went up. For this reason, they could not just set a date for everybody to move and a clear destination, they had to recruit trustworthy people to coordinate the migration, whilst keeping them entirely in the dark as to where and when. 

Fortunately, in the past months they had learned a lot about wraith and wraith worshippers, having made it a priority. Carson had come up with a simple blood test for wraith enzyme, the means by which the wraith controlled their worshippers, meaning a simple finger-prick test on recruits was enough to clear them. But they couldn’t test everyone.

Once the shields were installed, it was going to be a logistical headache to bring people safely to the sanctuary planets, but to bring them before would simply be asking for a wraith attack directly onto the sanctuaries.

In just one month Sateda, Hoff and Olesia were ready. Sateda was going to be the first planet to be re-colonised. Refugees would be able to return to their own planets at planned times with temporary shields and sensors, of course – there may not be enough to secure every populated planet in the galaxy, but there was enough to return to tend and harvest crops, one planet at a time. This wasn’t the end of all those individual cultures, either, or their claims to their homeworlds. In time, they hoped that everyone would be able to go home.

The _Daedalus_ was in orbit above Sateda, the _Orion,_ an Ancient ship they had acquired during the recent rescue of the Taranians, above the unpopulated world that was going to be today’s intake planet. 

‘Teyla, are you ready to set the phone tree in motion?’ Elizabeth asked, and Teyla nodded, dialing Belkan and issuing instructions. Teyla had been amused when she had understood what “phone tree” was, and they hadn’t found a better description, so she had run with it. Once she was done, the team gated to the dusty intake planet and waited. A whole squadron of Marines with rail guns waited with them.

But they had kept their intel secure and the wraith never came. People came, in their thousands over the next three short local days, and set up makeshift camps across the plain that this planet’s Stargate occupied. As daylight was fading on the third day, Col Lorne messaged from the _Orion_ that long range sensors had picked up five approaching wraith hive ships, roughly 48 Earth-hours away. 

Immediately, Teyla initiated the phone tree once again, instructing those worlds that had not come through the gate to await further instructions. As they were already planning to work only in roughly two Earth-day periods on each planet, there were just five worlds who didn’t make it on this intake. 

They dialed Sateda, cleared through the security protocols they had put in place, and started to bring the refugees home. Ronon went through in the first wave, along with all the Satedan refugees, their eyes shining. John realised he might not see Ronon again for a while, and his heart ached a little, but it also felt full for the man who was being given his home back.

Mer was standing next to him, looking a little misty as they watched their friend disappear through the gate, followed by a multitude. John took his had and squeezed it hard.

‘You did good, Mer. We’re really gonna turn the tide here.’

The planet was empty by the time the wraith arrived, but the _Orion_ stuck around to engage the wraith attackers and was joined by the _Daedalus._ Caldwell and Lorne made short work of obliterating the enemy.

They moved on to the next intake planet, and the next. The wraith did not come again by ship, and they began to breathe a little easier.

They were on their third intake planet, a long-extinct world of rock and crumbled ruins. Refugees were coming through from Sankhara, a land with terrible wine, amazing cheese, and an antiobiotic that knocked anything from Earth out of the park. 

The Sankharans were about two-thirds through when two wraith darts came flying through the gate. 

‘Raise the shield!’ John cried to the marine at the gate, but he hadn’t needed to, the shield was already raised and the crackles of light from it suggested more darts were hitting it. 

They had been so careful, but some intel must have slipped through to wraith worshippers. But they did not have time to think of that – the darts were sweeping across the crowds of refugees, and several people had been picked off by the culling beams.

After the whole Cadman-stuck-in-his-body incident Mer had briefed them all on the best way to take down a dart to give those beamed in a chance of survival. The encampment was surrounded by railgun emplacements, and the marines stationed there acted quickly and with precision. One dart hit the deck in a shower of dirt. The other atomized in mid-air, much to everyone’s dismay.

A hush fell across the encampment as everyone took in the losses. A third of the Sankharans would not make it to the safety of the sanctuary, and nineteen people had fallen to the culling beams here on the intake planet. Mer rushed to see if he could retrieve anyone from the crashed craft. John radioed _Orion_ to head for Sankhara, but he knew too well that there would be few left who survived the cull. 

John would never forget the screams of a world being culled as long as he lived. Somehow the thought of the Sankharans fate was worse, though, because the Atlantis expedition had a hand in it. He wanted to sink down, put his head in his hands, but if the Pegasuns were staying on their feet and working, he would do the same. 

He made Mer rest after 36 hours awake. There was no night here, but the light was an odd sort, heavily filtered through cloud that made it seem like perpetual twilight. Mer had finally managed to free those who had been beamed into the downed dart, but he didn’t see the victory in it. They went to their tiny tent and fucked hard and desperately, and then held onto each other almost suffocatingly tight, sleeping fitfully after a long while laying awake.

After losing so many Sankharans, the mood shifted from excited to grim and determined. By the end of the week, Sateda was at capacity; they could not allow the population to go above what could be comfortably evacuated within two days – the notice the long-range sensors gave.

Hoff was next, and it turned out that for now, they did not need Olesia. It came as a heartbreaking shock how few people were left in the galaxy. Of course, there would be some worlds who kept themselves isolated and were not known of, but there was a reasonable chance that at least somebody, somewhere would know of the vast majority of Pegasus populations and have called them to shelter.

Just four peoples did not join the migration. The Genii were secure in their underground bunker, and Keras’ youngsters with their shield. Belkan made a case for becoming a fourth sanctuary planet, given it was an established hub already, and this was granted. 

Another group had made contact with them when they got wind of the migration, a curious people who had been living nomadically on crumbling spaceships for generations. They called themselves Travellers. So ingrained was their way of life that the offer of coming back to earth and safety was not appealing, but they were told about Olesia and its now operational shield in case they changed their minds. 

Meanwhile, Atlantis offered the Travellers engineering assistance for their crumbling fleet in exchange for allyship in the future, and it was gratefully received.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I want you cuffed, blindfold, and over my lap.’ Mer sounded a little breathless as he went to his trunk and pulled out the cuffs and blindfold. John’s whole body buzzed with excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for spanking, toys, orgasm control.

John had been off-world for twenty days. He’d had visits from Mer in that time, but they were brief and there was really no time for anything other than a quick snuggle or slightly desperate handjob. Now, they were luxuriating in being in Mer’s big bed and having a whole night to themselves. 

‘John,’ Mer said, sounding serious. ‘If I ask you for something strange and unusual, do you think you could go along with it?’

‘Always,’ John responded. “It depends what it is” not being in his vocabulary. He felt his blood pump faster at the thought of giving over control to Mer.

‘I want to just kiss,’ Mer said breathlessly, ‘and nothing else. No grinding, no sex, no orgasms, no nudity, just driving each other insane with our mouths on each other’s. Can we do that, please?’

‘God, Mer, you’re so fucking kinky.’ John smirked, but his whole body simply _adored_ this idea. Yeah, I told you, we can do anything you want.’

‘Are you into it, though?’

‘Fuck yeah.’

Mer pressed him back against the pillow and brushed his lips teasingly against John’s, immediately drawing back. John loved to be reminded that the slightest touch from Mer could do incredible things to him, and sure enough, he could feel his whole body light up like Ancient equipment under Mer’s glancing touch.

Mer leaned back in, and this time his lips showed a little more commitment, firmly pressing against John’s before withdrawing once again. John tried to chase them, but Mer had him pinned, and when he realised this, he dissolved into the bed and just accepted Mer was going to run this in his own sweet time, and no doubt with his usual genius.

‘I missed you,’ Mer breathed into his ear.

‘Same,’ John echoed, feeling stupidly emotional all of a sudden.

This time, when Mer’s lips came back to his, they showed every intention of remaining locked with John’s for the long haul, and that suited him just fine.

***

For a while now, John had wanted to play with pain. He knew Mer got off on it, and although he was sure he didn’t have the same responses to pain Mer did, he was curious about how his own body would respond. He had a high pain threshold, so he was certain he could take it, and he was certain he’d be happy to give his body over for Mer to do anything he pleased, but would he like the pain? That, he didn’t know.

‘I don’t dole out punishment,’ Mer said, ‘I just can’t wrap my head around someone taking that much responsibility for the behavior of another adult. That’s not to say if someone asked for a punishment they felt they needed, I wouldn’t give it.’

‘Sometimes I think I’d ask to be punished,’ John said thoughtfully. ‘Maybe, if I could be made to hurt enough then I could let go of what I did. Like waking the wraith.’

‘Oh John, I wish I could take that away from you, truly. But you know the moment they had Sumner they were going to wake up and go looking for Earth. And you can’t blame yourself for picking up a pendant.’

‘I can if it caused countless deaths.’

‘Well, if a beating will help you sleep at night over this, you just let me know when, and we can arrange it. Or better still, go to Sacha – he’s an actual sadist, and will do it right for you.’

John was surprisingly drawn to that idea; they had already agreed to see if Sasha would give John some lessons in pain infliction.

‘But right now, we’re supposed to be talking about the pleasurable kind of getting hurt, and whether you’re into it.’ Mer said.

‘I like watching it, when the recipient is getting off. I definitely want to paddle your ass if you want me to.’

‘Not sure you want it done to you?’ 

‘Not sure about paddles and canes and floggers, yet. Pretty sure I want your hand, though.’

‘That I can work with,’ Mer grinned.

‘Now?’ John asked, hopefully.

‘Only if you promise to paddle and flog me soon,’ Mer retorted.

‘Deal,’ John said, eager for both.

‘And do you want me in charge while doing this?’

For John, that was kind of the whole point, so he nodded.

‘Right, then we need to set some limits . . .’ Mer ran through what he might possibly want to do to John, and John, of course, agreed to it all. By the time they were done, John was mostly hard.

‘Okay then, you’d better strip now,’ Mer said finally. 

John pulled off his clothes, stretching in a provocative fashion as he pulled his T-shirt over his head and making sure Mer got a good view of his ass as he bent over to remove his pants and briefs.

‘I want you cuffed, blindfold, and over my lap.’ Mer sounded a little breathless as he went to his trunk and pulled out the cuffs and blindfold. John’s whole body buzzed with excitement.

Mer fastened John’s wrists together in front of him with the leather cuffs and slipped the blindfold over his eyes.

‘Now, I need to be comfortable, so I’m not doing this perched on the edge of the bed.’ He pushed the seating cube that had been kicking around his room against the wall and tested it for comfort.

‘Perfect. Get over here.’

John’s dick liked bossy Mer a lot. Well, all of John liked bossy Mer. He was fully hard when he came over to where McKay was sitting, and Mer directed him to drape himself over his lap. His lover arranged him so his dick hung down between Mer’s clothed legs, without any place to generate friction. His cuffed hands were on the floor one side of Mer and his feet the other.

John felt faintly ridiculous, and very turned on. He loved the vulnerability of being naked while Mer was fully clothed.

‘I know you’ve never done this before, but I’m not going easy on you, because you’re John Sheppard, and I already know you can take pain. What remains to be seen, is if it gets you off. For God’s sake say if it’s doing nothing for you. This is most certainly not a test of machismo.’

Mer began to run his hands over John’s skin. First his back, then up his thighs and over his ass. John wriggled in Mer’s lap, drinking in the sensation. Mer gripped his bicep to still him.

‘Ready?’ 

John nodded again.

Thwack! Mer’s hand came down on his ass cheek, much harder than John had been expecting, but not really hard enough to hurt badly. It was more of a shock, and a sting, and his skin tingled afterwards. He was pretty sure, though, that the situation was turning him on more than the pain was. 

Slap! This one was a little harder and it _hurt_ , and it was entirely weird how much John liked that. Again, it was more the idea of trusting Mer enough to hurt but not harm him than it was precisely that he liked the pain. 

Slap, slap, slap! Mer scattered smacks across John’s ass and he wriggled, beginning to understand why this was so erotic. His backside was heating up fast, his skin tingling, and although he didn’t exactly like the pain itself, it quickly transformed itself into something intensely pleasurable. Plus, there was something about giving up control to Mer that was all kinds of hot.

Mer just kept on going, and John found himself squirming in Mer’s lap, trying to manoeuvre his cock to get a bit of friction. Mer slapped across his inner thighs, a stinging blow, and ordered, ‘stop that!’ rearranging John to make sure his cock was untouched. John whined, but as Mer continued to hit the backs of his thighs, he found himself suddenly relaxing and sinking down into that surrendering headspace where he just let everything happen to him.

Mer sometimes called it sub-space. It beat the hell out of the meditation he’d learned in the sanctuary, or what he did with Teyla. 

He was unbearably aroused, and the pain was beginning to confuse itself with pleasure and vice versa. He suddenly realised that right now, Mer could do anything he wanted and John would probably get off on it. Mer was directing hits to the vicinity of his asshole, concealed in its cleft enough to avoid direct hits, but the vibration and transferred pain was seriously doing it for John.

‘Ohhhh!’ John was unable to suppress a moan, realising he might come from this, wondering if Mer would let him.

Slap, slap, slap, slap! 

‘Ohhhhh uhhhhh!’

‘Seriously, if you can come from this, go right ahead, because that would be so fucking hot.’

And _that_ did it for John more even than the attention his ass was getting from Mer’s hand. Suddenly, he was right on the edge and moaning and squirming in Mer’s lap, unable to contain it at all.

Mer intensified his hits, bringing them down so fast they sent vibrations all the way through John’s body, an assault of intense pleasure/pain that sent John right over the edge without his cock or his prostate even being touched. Mer just hit harder as John’s orgasm shook through him. His cock pulsed over and over to the rhythm of Mer’s smacks and then finally, finally stopped, leaving John draped in Mer’s lap like a limp noodle.

‘Wow, John, that was something else.’ He ran his hands over John’s back and ass affectionately. 

‘Mmmmfff,’ said John, with feeling.

‘Should I get you into the bed, or are you okay here for a minute?’

John wriggled in Mer’s lap and pushed his ass up, hoping his partner would get the hint. He was completely non-verbal. John knew his face had just gone as red as his ass, but he was suddenly desperate to have Mer inside him, he didn’t even really understand why, given how sated he was.

‘You want me inside you, John?’ Mer’s voice sounded intent. John nodded furiously.

John felt Mer fumbling in his pocket and then heard a snick and felt cold lube against his warm ass. Mer teased at his hole for what seemed like ages, before dipping a finger inside. John couldn’t help pushing back onto the digit, and Mer playfully smacked him.

‘Just lie there and take it, beautiful,’ he said, and John shivered with pleasure at Mer’s words. Mer took his time, teasing his ass with just that one finger, finally touching John’s prostate when he was already going crazy. A second finger dipped into him and began to massage inside with more intent. John could feel his cock stirring again. Mer was in no hurry, stroking his other hand into the small of John’s back and then over his heated ass while his fingers slowly fucked him.

‘John? Can you reach the trunk from here?’ John stirred himself from his stupor and reached out. Guided by Mer, his hands groped for the trunk, eventually pulling it nearer with his cuffed hands.

‘Excellent. I think what I need is near the top. A cloth bag, sort of grey blue. Er, not that you can see that, it feels velvety.’ John opened the trunk and groped inside, feeling the fabric of the bag straight away. He grabbed it by the drawstring and offered it up to Mer. It was heavy, but he couldn’t tell what was inside, other than it was more than one object.

‘Thank you, hope you like this.’ John could hear the sound of more lube being used, but on what he couldn’t tell. And then he felt something hard and blunt at his hole, pressing in. There was something about the way he was positioned, his ass just there for Mer to play with, that drove him a little crazy. The dildo pushed into him slowly but inexorably, and then it started to vibrate right against John’s prostate, and he cried out in surprise.

‘Oh yeah. I could play with you all night when you’re like this.’ Mer set to fucking John with the vibrator in a leisurely way, clearly not in a hurry. John moaned and squirmed, but he wasn’t in a hurry either, he was happy to just lie there in Mer’s lap and let his body be played with.

The vibrations built up in him, spiralling his arousal upwards once more. Mer‘s fucking became increasingly purposeful, and his own arousal was beginning to show in his movements.

After what seemed like an eternity, Mer asked, ‘how possible is it for you to move, John?’

John felt like wet spaghetti, but if Mer wanted him to move, he would move. He wasn’t too sure about talking though, so he just pushed himself more upright and cocked his head expectantly.

‘Ride me?’ Mer asked.

John nodded enthusiastically.

Still in his cuffs and blindfold, John stood, somewhat unsteadily. Mer pulled him into his side with an arm around his thighs. He felt Mer lean in to mouth John’s throbbing cock, just for a moment, and then was gone again.

‘Stay there a sec.’ He heard Mer unzipping his pants and pushing them down, slicking up his cock. ‘Okay. Do you need the cuffs off?’

John shook his head, slinging a leg across Mer’s lap and looping his bound arms around his neck at the same time. Mer positioned his cock, and John sank down onto it with a sigh. Mer scooped a hand around John’s neck and brought their mouths together with a ferocity that threatened to tip John over the edge, but he held on – Mer would tell him when to come, if he was lucky. He didn’t know why he liked that so much, but he did.

John was way too fucked out to get very athletic, but between them they found a rocking rhythm that was delicious and effective. John’s butt cheeks were stinging and sore and his asshole was already feeling well used from Mer’s fingers and the vibe, so he was really feeling Mer’s cock, and the friction between their bodies. It just made it a million times better. 

John longed to be fucked til it really hurt, then fucked some more. _That_ was the kind of pain he wanted.

Mer got his strong hands right on John’s ass cheeks, squeezing them til they hurt, and began to fuck up into him, hard and brutal. John moaned loudly, beginning to take off into space on a wave of pleasure/pain. He still wasn’t sure if it was as simple as masochism, but pain was certainly doing _something_ for him – something hot.

Mer continued to assault him with his lips, fucking into his mouth with the same ferocity as his cock was fucking John’s ass, and John just dissolved in Mer’s arms, far too well fucked and for far too long to do anything but surrender to the onslaught.

Mer pulled back from the kiss and said, ‘you are fucking perfection. Hold on for just a minute longer, John.’ And then he was speeding up even more fiercely, pulling John up off his lap and slamming him down again, and they were both moaning in perfect synchronicity.

‘Come for me, John,’ Mer said, his voice unsteady, as his rhythm became ragged. Crying out, John dissolved into a trembling mass of orgasmic shocks, and Mer thrust his own completion jerkily inside of John. John tipped his head onto Mer’s shoulder and clung to him, breathing fast, unable to move.

Mer gave him a few minutes, one arm tight about him, the other running fingers through his hair. Then eventually he said, ‘come on, can’t sleep here,’ and dragged him to the bed, uncuffing him and taking off the blindfold as he went. He got a washcloth and wiped them both down, then got under the covers and pulled John’s back against his chest.

‘What are you doing to me, McKay?’ John asked when he could finally speak, his heart filled with this expansive sense of peace and wonder.

‘Loving you, John. Just loving you, in my own kinky way.’ He kissed the back of John’s neck in that place that really stirred his senses.

Dammit, dammit, dammit, he was crying again. Seriously, he was going to need to have a word with himself if this kept happening, no matter how good it might feel to have this release as well.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If John had been expecting a relaxed meeting of friends, he’d been way off base. Ronon’s greeting was formal, and the man was surrounded by a delegation of representatives from many of the cultures now living on Sateda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for mild recreational drug use, brief mention of Ronon's grief for Melena

John missed Ronon, but he understood his friend’s need to spend time on Sateda.

It was a shock, though, to see the man before him. The long, matted dreads were gone, and in their place were neat, thin, precise, four-inch braids, tied back carefully. The style made Ronon look younger, and even more beautiful.

Also, Ronon was wearing a _suit_. Or at least, a long coat and pants, made of a fine, greyish-gold material, embroidered with a symmetrical, repeating pattern of right angles and dots. The coat was fastened up to the throat, looking ridiculously formal on him.

What struck John the most, though, was how grim Ronon’s face was. This had clearly not been a happy homecoming. John wondered what it was like to move among the ghosts of a dead civilisation. Ronon’s face said it all, and it made John’s heart ache for his teammate.

If John had been expecting a relaxed meeting of friends, he’d been way off base. Ronon’s greeting was formal, and the man was surrounded by a delegation of representatives from many of the cultures now living on Sateda. The rest of AR-1 (minus Ford, who was joining AR-2 for a training mission) were led into one of the few intact municipal buildings and taken to an imposing meeting room. It had high ceilings, a wall of transparent bricks to let in light, and a large round table that took up most of the floorspace. The table was knee-high and surrounded by low, upholstered stools. They looked incredibly uncomfortable, but the team sat when invited to. It turned out they were even more uncomfortable than they looked. Well, that was one way of keeping meetings short. 

There was a round of introductions, then Ronon spoke.

‘We represent the temporary council for those now dwelling here,’ John couldn’t get over how unlike his friend Ronon sounded. So stiff, formal and . . . oddly verbose. ‘We have proposals to put to the expedition currently living on Atlantis.’

‘Okay,’ John said, disconcerted by Ronon’s formality, and noting the precise way Ronon had described the expedition’s situation. ‘Let’s hear them.’

‘Having so many cultures together has created opportunities to discover some of this galaxy’s resources.’ Ronon reached behind him for a metal box, placing it on the table and pushing it towards John. ‘This is just one of the things we found, but I think it’s fair to say we now have a lot that is of interest to you.’

John opened the box, his eyes widening. Mer, beside him, was practically fizzing with excitement. A ZPM! But what exactly did Ronon want for it? John suddenly had a sense of vertigo. Ronon was supposed to be team, so why did it feel like they were suddenly on opposite sides of something?

He closed the box and pushed it back towards his friend, hoping to demonstrate something by that gesture.

‘And what can Atlantis do for you, Ronon?’

‘You see? That’s typical of these Earthers, pretending they are Lanteans, pretending Atlantis is their birthright. It belongs to Pegasus!’ A dark-haired woman spoke, John tracked through the names that had gone round at introductions, and decided she was called Keyna. Keyna Shal-something. Shit, he needed to be better at this.

‘Many of the Earthers are descendants of the Ancestors, Keyna Shalkannin,’ Teyla said carefully. ‘Including John Sheppard. And they are here to help this galaxy.’

‘They’re here to plunder its technology!’ Keyna countered, her voice taking on even more of an edge. ‘They are only helping us with the wraith because they woke them up and revealed the existence of their home world to them. They are in terror of the wraith going to their planet and culling them the way we have been culled. They would not do anything for us if it were not in their interests.’

That was hard to hear, not least because it was almost entirely true. John would willingly tell Earth to fuck off and throw his lot with the Pegasuns, but it was not his call, and the expedition had clear parameters that were 100% about Earth’s interests, or more precisely, about US interests.

‘You’re right, in a way,’ John conceded. ‘Earth is fighting a great war in the Milky Way galaxy. We don’t currently have the resources to just give away to the people of another Galaxy. But we do have a lot of mutual goals, not least the eradication of the wraith. I appreciate we woke them and understand what a disaster that was. For that reason, we’re committed to cleaning up the problem we created, and assisting in the problem you already had before we got here. But if there is more you want from us, let’s talk about that.’

‘We want Atlantis back. It’s as simple as that,’ Keyna said.

Ronon stirred in his seat. ‘It’s not really as simple as that, but Keyna is right, it’s time we acknowledged that the resource of Atlantis should not be in the hands of people from another galaxy.’

_Fuck. Et tu, Ronon?_

‘We don’t want to eject you,’ Ronon reassured John, seeing his face drop, ‘but we do want to work alongside you as equal partners, and in equal numbers. We want to ensure that any technology is available for the benefit of this galaxy or traded for if taken to Earth. We want access to Atlantis, and we want to know that Pegasus natives can come to live there once it’s deemed safe enough, given it’s the greatest sanctuary of all in this galaxy. And as you see, we have something to offer that might encourage you to consider this.’

‘Ronon, in all honesty, we should consider this because it’s the right thing to do, not because you have a ZPM,’ John sighed. He probably shouldn’t be so honest, but what the hell.

‘We have more than one ZPM, Sheppard. And I acknowledge that if I was simply dealing with you, this would be an easy agreement to make, but I’m dealing with the IOA, the SGC, and that strange country of yours, and I don’t think we can be naïve enough to think that you will simply hand over something taken with power from the people of this galaxy.’

There wasn’t much to say after that, and the meeting soon wrapped up. The delegates went their separate ways, and Ronon remained with the team. He seemed to melt back into his old self when Teyla touched her forehead to his. He looked hesitantly at Mer and John, but Mer just made a grab for him, pulling the man into a hug.

‘We’re on your side, dipshit,’ he said affectionately. John edged up to get in on the hug.

‘Knew you would be.’ Ronon responded, back to his usual way of talking. He let go of his friends and pulled off his long coat to reveal a much more homespun shirt beneath. ‘C’mon, let’s get out of here.’ He slung an arm back around John’s shoulders, and gave him a look that said, _are we still ok?_ and something more besides. John had by now gotten used to ignoring the something more, but he tilted his forehead against the other man’s by way of saying, _yeah, we’re still ok._

Ronon took them back to his place, a compact little house on the edge of one of the more intact districts. It was a long way from where he had lived before with his almost-wife, Melena. He talked to them a little about her as they headed back. John realised that this was probably the first time Ronon had let himself grieve for her. Maybe the man had finally stopped running.

They ate honest-to-god _take out_ and it was delicious. The blending of cultures on Sateda was throwing up some interesting surprises, food being just one of them.

After dinner, Mer looked at Ronon for a long while as if trying to assess whether to speak about something.

‘So here’s something I don’t understand,’ he said eventually. ‘If Sateda managed to advance the way it did, doesn’t that mean the wraith were mass-hibernating during that time?’

Ronon nodded.

‘In which case, how come they annihilated Sateda seven years before we woke them?’

Ronon and Teyla looked . . . sheepish.

‘Mer, I really don’t think . . .’ John began, but Mer interrupted him.

‘I’m on their side. We both are. But we need to cut this bullshit about you waking the wraith. We all know by now that it was much more complicated than that. We all know that the wraith had already recently woken and driven this galaxy close to extinction before we ever got here. Maybe they went back into hibernation early because things were that bad, or maybe not all the wraith woke at the same time. Obviously, we made it worse. And, we’ve been high-handed and possessive of Atlantis. We pulled the same old colonial bullshit that we pulled on our own planet countless times. Things need to change, and we need to be accountable. But I’m not just going to stand by and leave you thinking this galaxy’s population is on the verge of collapse because of you. You are not responsible for genocide, John.’

‘No,’ said Teyla carefully. ‘Only the wraith are responsible for that. And Mer is right. I believed when we met, as you did, that you had woken all the wraith, but since then it has become apparent this is not the case and they were awake already long before you came.’

‘I never blamed you,’ Ronon said, ‘but I stand by our claim on Atlantis. I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Ronon,’ Mer said.

‘Doesn’t change the friendship I feel to you both. My gratitude for being given my life back.’

‘Buddy, Mer and I have been talking about our discomfort over Earth’s claim to Atlantis for a long while now. I for one I’m glad you’re forcing our hand.’ John reached out to Ronon, putting his hand over the man’s tattooed forearm, and squeezing. Ronon looked up at him with a smouldering look that caught him off-guard. John glanced away in embarrassment but didn’t move his hand. 

Mer just eyerolled the pair of them, and just like that, the tension was broken. 

The four of them got wasted on what Mer decided to call Satedan skunk that night and ended up in a puppy pile on Ronon’s bed. The following day, Mer and John took the Council’s proposal back to Elizabeth. 

Within the month, Elizabeth Weir and Teyla Emmagen were named joint governors of Atlantis, with John Sheppard and Ronon Dex their respective deputies. They quickly began the work of recruiting an equivalent number of Pegasus natives to every part of Atlantean work and life. Earth had been given a full ZPM in exchange for relinquishing their rights over Atlantis. Atlantis itself had two more ZPMs, and now knew the location of several Ancient facilities across the galaxy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘So, I spoke to Sacha and he has agreed in principle to giving you a demonstration of how to flog me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for impact play and D/s

‘So, I spoke to Sacha and he has agreed in principle to giving you a demonstration of how to flog me.’ Mer said this quite casually and not that quietly over lunch one day, and John nearly choked on his mashed roots and tava beans. ‘Or, if you prefer, how to flog someone else. I know you said you might get jealous watching another man with me. But the flipside is, well, it could be hot, it could demystify what I do with other people.’

John resigned himself to the public location for such a (in his mind) private conversation and thought about it for a moment. He was caught between feelings of jealousy that he knew he had to just accept, and feelings of curiosity. He wanted to say that although Sacha could flog Mer in front of him, he didn’t want to watch the man fuck his partner.

Except, that wasn’t true. He did want to see that, for all he was burning with jealousy.

It took a few days to think and then talk through his fears and his fantasies until they had negotiated exactly what was okay and not okay. They had dinner with Sacha and he set his own boundaries, one of which was that this was to be one off, he wasn’t looking for a third person in their dynamic. John realised Sacha was struggling with jealousy too, and that made him feel somehow better. Thank god Mer was the kind of guy who preferred people to admit to difficult feelings than pretend everything was easy and perfect. 

Sacha was also not anything like John had expected. He was 5 foot 5, slightly built apart from his broad shoulders and muscled arms. He had a pleasant enough, nondescript face and a shaved, balding head. He was a mild-mannered guy with a faint, hard-to-place European accent, polite and cautious. His job was as a technician in one of the botany labs, and John realised he and Mer probably had very little to talk about outside of this. The man didn’t even like sci-fi, something John struggled to get his head around given where they worked.

By the time they were done, John realised that he had more or less negotiated his first ever threesome. He didn’t sleep the night before they’d agreed to the scene, and when the time came to go to Sacha’s room he was jittery and wired, with too much caffeine flowing through his veins.

It was only when John stepped inside Sacha’s very ordinary room that he realised he’d been expecting some kind of dungeon. He snickered to himself and his own clichéd brain.

Sacha was wearing jeans and no shirt. He was different from the man John had met a week before. Confident, cold. John didn’t like him at all, but didn’t imagine this man wanted to be liked, or cared what he thought.

‘I’m in charge here, just so we’re clear. Mer, strip. John, take your T-shirt off, then you can put the cuffs on him.’

John put cuffs on Mer’s wrists and ankles, looking into Mer’s face as he did so. Mer was oddly detached, and John realised he was already in some sort of headspace he hadn’t seen in him before. His cock was flaccid, his body inert. 

Sacha pushed Mer, kind of roughly, into the middle of the room, where there were rings set into the floor. John wanted to know how he’d managed that – a ten-thousand-year-old city that was impervious to decay had also proved to be pretty impervious to modification. Perhaps this was another bit of evidence for the existence of kinky ancients. The man used chains to secure Mer’s ankles so that his legs were spread impossibly wide. He struggled to balance, but Sacha disregarded this. 

There was a rope pulley on the man’s ceiling, with a long bar hanging from it. Sacha lowered the bar, and got John to attach Mer’s wrists to rings at each end with carabiners. Then he hoist Mer’s arms up above his head until he was stretched to the point of obvious discomfort. John watched in fascination as his lover became a play object for another man. It was disconcerting, but he couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t also arousing. 

He had a lot to think about.

‘Okay, John, fetch the paddle. We’ll start there.’ John got the paddle from the bed and put into Sacha’s hands. Sacha patiently talked through the mechanics and safety aspects, talking just like the technician he was. He could have been giving a lab safety talk, rather than explaining to John the best way to spank his own lover.

Finally, Sacha gave a practical demonstration of what a paddle could do, hitting Mer’s ass with increasing strength, reddening it up. Mer was oddly silent.

‘Is he usually this quiet?’ John couldn’t help but ask.

‘Oh yes, but he’ll lose it later. That’s half the fun.’ Sacha grinned a particularly evil grin. He handed John the paddle. ‘Wanna try?’

John took it with hands that look steadier than they felt. He swung the paddle at Mer’s ass, but barely tapped it. Sacha rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. John swung again, and this time he hit true, and the paddle made a satisfying sound as it hit skin.

Mer groaned, the first sound of pleasure John had heard from him.

Sacha was standing to Mer’s side, looking straight at Mer’s cock. 

‘Interesting,’ he said, reaching out and stroking between Mer’s legs. ‘It takes me ages to get a rise out of him. You managed it with one hit. He’s really gone on you huh?’

Now John was turned on for real. He brought the paddle down on Mer’s ass again and again, loving the moans he elicited. ‘God, Mer, you’re hot like this,’ he said. The muscles in Mer’s arms and back flexed in their strained position, and John realised he really wanted to see that back marked.

‘Can we use the flogger?’ He asked.

Sacha showed him how to use the flogger and they took it in turns to paint Mer’s back. Once again, though, Mer made responsive little noises to John, while Sacha met with silence. Eventually, Sacha put down the flogger.

‘I don’t think you’re ready for the cane, John, but he sure is. Now it’s my turn to make you moan, McKay.’

He fetched an evil-looking cane from the bed.

‘Count for me McKay.’ He brought the cane down hard across Mer’s back, leaving a welt.

‘One,’ Mer said, his voice strained.

Sacha laid out the strokes slowly and deliberately, marking up Mer’s perfect skin but not breaking it. John was transfixed, standing to the side he could see Mer’s face and the weird mix of pain and pleasure on it. His cock was hardening and leaking. Then, Sacha took the cane hard across Mer’s inner thigh, and he cried out.

‘Fuck! Seven,’ he shouted, panting for breath. Three more like that and tears were streaming down his face. John looked at Sacha, feeling suddenly worried.

‘If he needs to, he’ll safeword.’ Sacha said, unconcerned. ‘He’s done it before enough times. Why don’t you go and look into his eyes John? Look how hard his cock is and tell me he isn’t loving this.’

John stood in front of Mer and looked down into his eyes. What he saw there was unfathomably complicated. Yes, his partner was in pain to the point of crying, but there was no doubt of the underlying intense pleasure of the experience. His cock was still as hard as rock. Well, as hard as a cock can be anyhow.

‘Why don’t you touch him? Jerk him while I cane him? Don’t you dare let him come though. I get to come first. Always.’

John tilted his head in inquiry, and Mer nodded his assent. John brushed his lips on Mer’s and reached for his cock gently. The second he did so, Sacha brought the cane down hard, and Mer’s cock jumped in John’s hand. It was both arousing and a little disconcerting to feel his lover’s response to the actions of another man. John caressed him a little more firmly, determined to get a response of his own. Mer whimpered, and then screamed as Sacha hit him again even harder. John realised his own cock was uncomfortable in his pants and he felt suddenly desperate. He wanted to drag Mer right out of that room and fuck him, but he also desperately wanted to see how this would end.

‘I think you’re done.’ Sacha said, coming to Mer’s side and wiping a finger through the tracks of his tears. ‘Going to fuck you now. You can keep doing what you’re doing, John. But he doesn’t come before me, understood? If you like, you can fuck him too after I’m done.’

That was the least tempting suggestion that John had ever heard, for about a million different reasons. For just one moment John considered it, considered the opportunity to claim his territory, and then discarded that idea as pitiful.

‘No thanks,’ he said simply.

Curiosity got the better of John and he stepped to Mer’s side, still keeping a hand loosely on his cock. Sacha had his own cock out and was putting on a condom (John and Mer only shared fluids with each other). John realised Mer had come prepped only when Sacha slid easily inside of him.

He suddenly didn’t feel jealous. This didn’t feel much different than watching Mer fuck himself with a dildo. This was sex. It was so different from what Mer and he had that it couldn’t touch it. But he could see that it was still important, that it was good, hot and fun and quite possibly beneficial in ways beyond mere gratification. He didn’t begrudge the two men this, and he felt suddenly grateful to both of them for letting him see and understand. Sacha was thrusting into Mer, and Mer’s face was slack with pleasure.

‘Gonna come inside your hot ass, McKay, then your boyfriend here is gonna get you off. Ready John?’

John moved back in front of Mer and strengthened his grip on Mer’s cock. Mer’s face was almost gone, like he was stoned out of his mind. John really wanted to play with him like this, could imagine doing all kinds of wicked things to him. He ducked his head down and gave Mer a long kiss full of tongue, feeling the thrusts of Sacha’s body into Mer’s against his own lips and finding it nothing but hot.

‘Fuck, yeah,’ Sacha groaned.

John felt the broken rhythm of the man’s orgasm pumping through his partner, and he jerked Mer’s cock hard and fast, high on his own pleasure as much as Mer’s. Sacha leaned forward, with his chin on Mer’s shoulder, putting his mouth close to Mer’s ear, but meeting John’s eyes at the same time. He issued a simple order with a low, growling tone.

‘Come for me.’

Fuck. John almost doubled up as he came so hard in his pants he saw stars. Mer’s eyes widened at the sight of John’s body trembling as his lover gave up his own orgasm, spurting up his chest as John’s shaky hand milked him through his release.

‘Oh, boy, you two are the hottest thing together. I almost want to break my own rule and play with you again.’ Sacha quickly released Mer, cleaning him off and wrapping him in a blanket. He gave Mer an almost brotherly hug and sat him in a chair and then turned to John.

‘How are you doing, John?’ John was rooted to the spot, not really sure quite what to do with himself.

‘Can I hug you?’ Sacha asked, and John nodded. He received the same fraternal hug that Mer had got and it felt grounding. He knew it was a signal that they were out of the scene, a way of bringing him back to the real world. Sacha guided him to the chair next to Mer’s and then arranged the blanket so it was around both of them.

‘I’m going to get us all some coffee,’ he announced after taking the time to check they were both okay and see if they needed anything. ‘Keep an eye on him, John.’ He pulled on a T-shirt and slipped out of the room.

John put his arm around Mer and let his lover drift. He was off his face like someone on hardcore skunk, and it was adorable. John petted his hair and dropped occasional kisses on Mer’s neck. His own mind was whirring.

Sacha was gone a while, and by the time he returned with three cups of coffee, doctored how each of them liked it, Mer was a bit more with it. 

Mer looked askance at the coffee. ‘Don’t worry, it’s decaf,’ Sacha assured him, and Mer smiled. 

‘Thanks,’ he said.

They drank their coffee and made the same kind of small talk they had when they first met, interspersed with a casual debrief. The debrief was as unremarkable as the small talk.

‘Are you alright, John?’ Sacha asked. John was quiet, even for him.

‘Erm, yeah, I think so? Stuff to think about. But it was . . . I’m glad we did this. Thank you.’

‘It was genuinely my pleasure,’ Sacha said with an enormous grin.

Soon after that, they left.

‘Are you really okay John?’ Mer asked him as they made their way back to Mer’s place.

‘Mmm, yeah, I’m . . . I think I’m good, I just . . .’

‘Have to stuff to think about?’ Mer said.

‘Yeah.’

‘Want to talk about it?’

‘Not yet . . . haven’t got it straight enough in my head to even write about it in my book, to even have coherent thoughts about it.’

‘Okay,’ Mer said simply, and they went the rest of the way in silence. Only when they got inside of Mer’s did it occur to John that he was hanging out here a lot, treating it like a second home. They probably needed to talk about that, too.

But Mer seemed to just take it for granted that John was there, and John made himself comfortable on Mer’s not-child-sized bed while Mer had a shower.

‘You can borrow some boxers if you want to shower,’ Mer said, with an amused smile. John ducked his head, blushing.

‘It’s that, isn’t it? The thing you need to think about. You coming at Sacha’s command.’

And this was the risk . . . and benefit . . . of dating a genius.

‘Yeah . . . well, part of it, but it’s a big topic I can’t get straight in my head. There’s this . . . section in my book, it feels like it’s gonna be pages and pages but nothing’s written yet, just a one-word heading, double underlined. A word I’m . . .’ he ground to a halt, because his feelings were too complex to name, even if he’d been the sort of person who found it easy to name feelings.

‘What, John? Tell me.’

‘Attracted to, flirting with, terrified of. It’s taking up a lot of space in my head and I don’t even really understand what it is.’

‘Am I allowed to guess what the word is, John?’

‘Yeah.’ Because it wasn’t like he could say it, yet, but he needed it said, and Mer would get it, he trusted that.

‘Is it “submission”?’

Bingo.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I’m trying to understand what does it for you, what exactly it is about submission that attracts you,’ Mer said to John one day, in the midst of their most challenging scene yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for brief mention of someone else's experience of sexual abuse in teens (in final section of chapter), internalised homophobia and kink-shaming, reference to use of homophobic f-slur, bondage, rimming, mild D/s exploration

‘I’m trying to understand what does it for you, what exactly it is about submission that attracts you,’ Mer said to John one day, in the midst of their most challenging scene yet.

John was kneeling on a cushion, freshly showered and naked at Mer’s feet. Mer, who was fully dressed, was stroking John’s hair, looking down at him like he was a puzzle Mer was determined to crack. John was sweating lightly from the things his lover was making him do.

He had been making John _talk._ About feelings. And _sex_. For nearly an _hour_.

It was excruciating.

By now, John had shared the draft of his book with Mer, which was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but writing stuff down was still easier than talking.

He wasn’t sure that he even understood what submission _was_ in a sexual context, let alone why it had such strong hooks in him. Witnessing Mer’s submission to Sacha had exploded many of his preconceptions – ideas about weakness, sexist associations with femininity that didn’t apply at all. Where beliefs in that ballpark had still lingered, with a whole lot of internalised homophobia alongside, Mer had spent some of the last hour helping John kick them to the kerb.

‘Maybe I’m just lazy,’ John said, and he could feel the lie in his words as he said them. Laziness was one of his favourite excuses.

‘That’s not you at all,’ Mer challenged. ‘Oh, maybe some guys from your background might be spoiled pillow princes, lazy and self-indulgent while their lover does all the work. But you? Not even close.’

John knew people sometimes had thought he was spoiled, but he didn’t _feel_ spoiled. Neglected, yes. Having to work hard for praise and attention growing up, and often knowing when simply not to bother. Maybe sometimes it didn’t pay to try, but if he could find a way to work for something, he would. 

He was pretty sure he’d crawl to the ends of the universe for the person currently playing with his hair. The fingers scritching into his skull were soothing the anxiety John had about the talking. He knew that today, submission was about opening up to Mer, and it scared him silly. For possibly the first time ever, he’d been hovering on the edge of safewording a few times since this had started. But it felt important not to.

‘Maybe sometimes you hide your inconsistencies by not trying too hard, like the way you conceal what a big, beautiful brain you have,’ Mer said thoughtfully. ‘You’re way less sure of yourself than a pilot and son of a millionaire should be.’

John hated and loved how easily Mer read him.

Mer grabbed another pillow and sank to his knees so he was eye-level with John. He ran his hands over John’s body, caressing over muscles that were tensed from the position and the anxiety.

‘But your submission? It isn’t lazy and it isn’t weak. You work hard for it. Sometimes I worry you’d break yourself to give yourself to me.’

‘I probably would,’ John admitted. Mer’s eyes widened at that admission.

‘And so it becomes my responsibility to make sure you don’t get broken.’ Mer sounded burdened by that, and not for the first time, John wondered just what he was putting onto his lover. ‘I’m trying to understand just exactly what you need. Do you even know, John?’

John shook his head. ‘So many things, and they’re all muddled up.’

Mer was playing with him now, as if getting him horny might break through the communication barrier. Maybe it would. He tweaked John’s nipples, caressed his cock, stroked over his ass, never staying in one place for long, but sending him slowly crazy. 

It wasn’t the caresses as much as it was the way Mer had complete control. But only because John had given it to him.

‘Tell me, John. Try.’

John had so much in his head about this and it was confusing. It felt like every one of his words had a shadow he probably needed to think about carefully.

‘Control freak . . . wanting to let go, that’s part of it . . . wanting to be taken out of my head . . .’

_To lose myself completely._

‘Wanting to be of use . . . to serve. That feels part of it too . . .’

 _Wanting to be used,_ the shadow voice said, and he didn’t fully understand why that thought thrilled him like it did, even if it also made him feel deeply uncomfortable.

‘. . . there’s other stuff . . . I can’t put into words.’

_Wanting all your focus and attention and love and being prepared to do just about anything to keep it._

Whoa, that last thought felt dangerous, and he didn’t know what to do with it.

Mer seemed to sense all John wasn’t saying and slipped his arms around John and pulled him close. John tipped his head onto Mer’s shoulder, feeling like he’d just run a marathon.

‘There’s so much more I want to know, but this is a place to start. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you, I don’t know whether it’s the ADHD that makes it so hard for you to talk, or the fact you never had anyone to talk to.’

‘Both,’ John conceded.

‘Double threat, then,’ Mer acknowledged.

‘Pretty much.’ _Can we have sex now please?_ John wriggled against Mer suggestively, and leaned down to mouth one of his nipples through his T-shirt, looking up as he did so with what he hoped was a seductive look.

Mer groaned. ‘Yes, yes, I think I’ve tortured you enough for one day, but there’s one more thing I need you to know, and it’s important.’

He pulled John into a hot kiss that slowly melted into something else, more affectionate and loving. John felt his tense muscles relax as if Mer was giving him reassurances for all his fears.

‘I’m committed to you, John. I can’t predict the future, but I can say with absolute certainty that if I never got to see your submissive side it wouldn’t stop me loving you or being with you. I am more than happy to see this side of you, it’s as welcome to me as any other, but it’s essential that you understand that you must never, ever do this because you think you have to in order to keep me or please me. Is that understood?’ 

John nodded, feeling off-balance because of the truth in Mer’s words. This wasn’t the beginning and end of why he wanted to explore submission, but he could admit that it was a pitfall here – the part of him that had been so emotionally neglected it felt better to be a body to be used when being a person to be loved was simply not on the table.

He had to constantly remind himself that love was always on the table with Mer, he just had a hard time accepting it. If he was honest, he didn’t know what to do with it when he got it.

 _And there he goes. The fairy is crying again,_ his father sneered.

‘Oh John.’ Mer gently wiped away his tears, ‘why do I think it’s going to be much harder for you to submit to being loved than to submit to, let’s say, tougher things?’ He kissed down John’s neck and throat gently, and then back to his face, kissing the traces of his tears, then his lips. Then he put his mouth to John’s ear, and the hot breath stirred something so fucking vulnerable in John.

‘I have a secret for you, John . . . I’m going to find a way for you to let me love you, if it takes me the rest of my life.’

John shivered, trying to take that in and at the same time realising how much it scared and bewildered him. Mer rose to his feet and reached down for John’s hand.

‘Come on, get up on the bed, we’re done with the heavy talk, I want . . .’ Mer hesitated, looking suddenly uncertain. Then he knelt back down, taking John’s hands in his. 

‘So here’s the thing, if I say to you I want you to make me feel good, I reckon that’ll be just what you want to hear, but the thing is, John, what I really want right now is to make _you_ feel good. Do you think you can submit to that?’ 

_Bastard._ Mer was really pushing John’s boundaries tonight. But the whole point of this was for John to let go, and although he understood, because Mer had said it so many times, _the sub is always in control_ , the point was to be able to let go and be safe, to hand himself over to Mer, because Mer was someone he trusted more than he’d ever trusted anyone.

So John relaxed, nodded, and dropped his head. Mer hummed his approval, and wrapped John up in his arms, dropping kisses onto his neck.

‘World’s best sub,’ he said, and John couldn’t suppress the glowy feeling he got at those words – he _loved_ being praised when he was in this headspace, couldn’t get enough of it. He’d probably get off on harsher words, but praise turned him to mush.

‘And don’t think I haven’t noticed you’ve gone non-verbal again. If it helps, we can make that the rule here . . . you’re not allowed to talk for the rest of this scene, except to safeword, but I’d like you to make noise if you can.’

Not being allowed to talk was like not being allowed to gouge his eyes out with forks, but John appreciated what Mer was doing here, rewarding him for all the hard talking before whilst still pushing him out of his comfort zone with the making noise thing.

‘And don’t think that one day I’m not going to _really_ push you by making you talk about everything we’re doing, because that’s a level of submission that’s going to be so hard for you . . . and therefore, so worth it.’

John hated that idea, but it still made his cock jump because Mer was right, it would require him to get into a deeply submissive headspace.

‘Come on, John, up on the bed.’ 

John looked to the bed, and then up to Mer. Challenge number one . . . getting to the bed. It was easy enough to get up and walk, and he was pretty sure Mer wouldn’t say anything about it.

The thing is, he _wanted_ to crawl, but he wasn’t deep enough in headspace not to be inwardly cringing at the very thought of it. 

But he did it anyway because, what the fuck. And that was when he remembered why he _really_ loved submission. Because he seriously got off on it, and in just over a yard of (hopefully sexy) crawling he was feeling achingly hot and bothered. He crawled up onto the bed and stretched out, front down, resting his head down on his arms, and pushing up his ass as provocatively as he could.

He could hear Mer splutter a little, evidently trying to collect himself. Then he felt his lover’s hand run from his shoulder, all the way down his body, eventually holding onto his ankle.

‘Now I know why I like you so much . . . you clearly have feline DNA.’

John allowed himself a sensuous little stretch, and Mer’s hand gripped his ankle a little more tightly.

‘I could just sit and watch you move and get off on it,’ Mer said in a voice full of wonder that stirred John deeply.

He ran his hand up the inside of John’s leg, right the way up, resting a hand gently in the crease of his thigh. If John was cat-like, he wished he could purr.

‘Mmm, trying to decide what will make you feel good right now . . . I think a tiny bit of bondage is in order . . . he went to his toy chest and pulled out a few things. Face down on the bed, John just waited, feeling calm and a little floaty, as well as turned on as all fuck.

First, Mer slipped a thin, silky blindfold over John’s eyes. That immediately made John flush, because he associated it with Mer trying to calm his shame response. He wondered what Mer was going to do that would trigger that and began to squirm out of a mixture of anticipated embarrassment and intense desire. 

Mer put leather cuffs on John’s wrists and then a second pair just above his elbows. He fastened them together so that John’s arms were held hand to elbow across his back, and checked John was comfortable. It was effective in pushing him face down into the bed, and he was pretty sure he knew what was coming next. He turned his head to one side so it wasn’t mashed into the mattress.

Sure enough, Mer lifted John onto his knees, so that his ass was in the air and his back curved upwards. It was a vulnerable position, putting his ass on display like that. Because John was unusually flexible, it didn’t hurt one bit. Actually, he was quite comfy. But he felt exposed in a way that was right on the edge of his comfort zone. Mer caressed John’s rump and smoothed his hands down John’s thighs. Placing ankle and thigh cuffs on him, he widened John’s legs and fixed the cuffs to the bed so they balanced and secured his stance.

‘I think that will do for today’s purposes,’ Mer said, sounding pleased. ‘I need plenty of access to your skin, seeing as the plan is to kiss every exposed inch of you.’

John groaned at that thought, both aroused and embarrassed by it. He instantly understood the blindfold now. He was pretty sure his whole body had just blushed.

He felt Mer settle on the bed beside him. His face was turned towards Mer’s, and he felt soft lips seeking his, taking them in a languid kiss that seemed in no hurry to go anywhere. John felt Mer’s fingers playing with his hair, one of John’s favourite sensations, and then moving down to ruffle through his beard, one of Mer’s.

‘You need to safeword if you get uncomfortable, but I know what you’re like, so for today’s purposes, if you shake yourself or wriggle I’m going to take it as a sign to adjust your position, okay?

But honestly John doubted he would even manage that . . . once he was in this submissive space, he really struggled to express any wants or needs. Thank god for a partner who was so observant and attentive.

He nodded, though and Mer went back to kissing him, probing John’s mouth with his tongue and smoothing gently over his skin with hands that were in absolutely no hurry to get anywhere.

John could tell he was about to be driven completely nuts. Sure enough, Mer strayed his lips over John’s face, kissing his brow, his cheeks, even his _eyelids_ through the blindfold, taking his sweet time, and John couldn’t place what was making him so damn uncomfortable about this. He almost wriggled in his bonds, and Mer was just getting started. He was pretty sure he could be lying there in acute pain and put up with it stoically but this . . . 

This was damn near breaking him it was so sweet, so loving, so fucking _affectionate._

John could feel an unbearable ache in his chest and an urge to run clean away from the situation that made him grateful for the bonds. 

_‘Why do I think it’s going to be much harder for you to submit to being loved?’_ He remembered Mer’s earlier words and clung onto them. 

‘It’s okay, John. Just let go, and I promise it will be okay.’ Mer stroked his face and kissed it some more. He didn’t think anyone had kissed his face, not since . . . 

_Oh, you are so not thinking about your dead mother whilst having sex with your hot lover, Shep._

Except he was, and the realisation that it had been _that long_ since anyone had really loved him settled into him with profound shock. Oh, Nancy had tried to love him, but he hadn’t let her. And now here was Mer . . . 

Suddenly, unbidden, a line from an old song from John’s childhood popped into his mind:

_You better let somebody love you  
Before it’s too late_

John clung to those old Eagles lyrics like driftwood in rough seas, playing them in his head and trying to hold steady and submit to what Mer was doing. He would have found it so much easier if Mer was caning him right now or sticking big needles under his skin, two things he had zero interest in having done to him but could bear.

That didn’t mean this wasn’t exactly what he needed.

Mer was kissing the side of John’s neck he could get to now, and up under his ear, one of John’s biggest erogenous zones, and the kissing was beginning to feel as good as it was torture . . . well, maybe it had always felt good, but that didn’t stop John fighting it. Mer’s lips trailed round to the back of his neck, just below his hairline, and that sent want crackling through him, but then Mer dropped kisses into his hair and it was back to being sweet and fond and loving and he wanted to shout _red, red, stop!_ But he just kept _Desperado_ on a loop in his head and tried to ground himself.

Next, Mer trailed kisses along John’s shoulders and down his arms, swapping from arm to arm as he meticulously explored each section. By the time he got to the fingers of John’s right hand, John was coping with what was happening, and beginning to appreciate Mer’s outrageously thorough attention on him. Mer licked at the fingers of John’s right hand, sucking them into his mouth in a move that went straight to his dick. It was the first time he’d made noise, a gentle moan of pleasure. So Mer took his time with John’s hand, and John wondered how he managed to make it feel so much like he was getting blown. After a while, he was trembling with it, and he suddenly realised just what a genius his lover was. An evil genius, but genius nonetheless.

And then Mer moved to John’s left hand, and that’s when John broke. He thought he was going to get more of the same, but instead, Mer very gently kissed the backs of John’s curled fingers. A feeling flowed through John that he’d never experienced. It was like, but unlike, an orgasm, a kind of energy that stirred his heart and made his skin prickle. A wave of . . . love and surrender . . . washing right through him, pure and devastating.

There were tears in John’s eyes, _again_ , but it didn’t matter. If Mer wanted to make him cry, that was okay. If Mer wanted to love him into submission, that was okay too. He gave himself up to it, to all that sweetness, and willingly. Mer ran his hands up and down John’s spine, soothing him.

‘That’s it, let go, and I’ll catch you. I promise.’

John surrendered to everything Mer was doing, and those lips began to work a kind of magic on his skin that sent him deeper and deeper into submission and pleasure.

Much, much later, long after John had discovered the intense pleasure and utter weirdness of having his toes sucked, and the existence of erogenous zones behind his knees, Mer finally approached parts of John that by now were crying out for attention. He made a meal of John’s ass cheeks, and the tops of his inner thighs.

John knew he was being mercilessly teased, and of course Mer knew how much John loved being teased, dammit. 

But then Mer’s tongue was flicking at John’s exposed balls, and slowly tracing up his perineum towards his hole. An hour ago, or whenever this had started and John had seen where it was going, he had thought this was going to be the challenging bit. Had thought he would struggle with shame, but there was no shame left, only pleasure. If Mer wanted to do this, then John wanted him to.

He felt Mer’s tongue finally teasing there and he relaxed into the sensation. He didn’t care about old worries and hang-ups, only that this was a body part so full of nerve endings that it was an absolute sin for it never to have been kissed before. Mer was more than making up for it now, lapping at him with that same focus and attention that John loved, even if it scared him. John was beginning to whimper a little, and when Mer’s tongue breached him, he moaned loudly. He realised that he was close to the edge just from this, and he wondered if he could hold on. Didn’t know what Mer had planned.

Mer’s tongue continued to take him apart, fucking into him, while hands continue to caress his hips, his back, and up between his thighs, but never his cock. Honestly, one touch to his cock and it would have been over. As it was, John was fighting to hold onto his orgasm and if Mer kept doing that with his tongue he wouldn’t be able to fight much longer.

‘I’d love to see you come from this, John.’ Mer said, pulling back for the shortest moment before licking inside him again with renewed energy. He gripped his hands to John’s hips and started to pull him back onto his tongue, John cried out at this, so close to the edge it was sweet torture. Mer continued the onslaught with his tongue and reached down to gently run a finger along his perineum and down to his balls. That tiny touch was all it took to trigger an intense orgasm. John cried out and bucked back against Mer’s tongue. Mer lapped him through his orgasm, reaching between his legs and stroking his cock to prolong the aftershocks, stopping just short of the moment when it would have become unbearable.

‘That was amazing. You’re amazing.’ Mer said, and John was confused because he thought that was supposed to be his line. Not that he had the power of speech right now, even if he’d had permission to speak. Mer cleaned himself and John up and removed the bonds. Then he dimmed the lights and removed the blindfold.

Kissing him slowly and sweetly, Mer said, ‘you can talk now, but don’t feel you have to.’

He went back to kissing John and holding him close. John was confused. He could feel Mer’s erection, but he didn’t seem any hurry to do anything about it. He reached down, giving it a stroke and looking at Mer quizzically.

‘I’m good. It’s not always about that.’

So John settled down beside him, and they dozed for a while, but then decided to be brave.

‘The thing is . . .’ he said, after making sure he had Mer’s attention.

‘Yes?’

‘The thing is, I really like being fucked when I’m all relaxed like this, and you went to all that trouble to open me up . . .’

‘Hmm. I take your point. And I think we should probably hang some flags out, because John Sheppard just asked for something.’

John kissed his way down Mer’s body and woke him back up with his mouth, then gave him another quizzical look.

‘Don’t look at me, I think you’re running this section of the evening.’ Mer said. So John reached for the lube, made sure he was sufficiently prepped and Mer was slick with it, and then straddled Mer and sank down on him. When Mer was seated deep inside him, John leaned down and kissed Mer as slow and teasing as Mer had done to him.

‘I love you so fucking much I’m becoming a cliché and I don’t care.’ John said, and he began to move his hips, but only little movements, rocking and circling, just enough to drive Mer crazy.

‘Yes, John, yes,’ Mer sighed. ‘The feeling is more than mutual.’

Mer was arching up into John, adding to the sweet rhythm between them. Kissing him some more, John began to pinch Mer’s nipples, increasing the pressure whilst he also began to pull himself up and push himself down hard onto Mer. Mer was moaning, lost in the sensations, and John straightened back up so that he could watch his lover come apart. From this angle, he could pump himself hard down on Mer’s cock, and play with his nipples. 

‘So good, so good, oh, oh ohhhh . . .’

John pinched Mer’s nipples extra hard, at the same time as driving himself down onto Mer.

‘Fuck yes!’ Mer cried out, and suddenly he was coming, spasming and spurting inside of John. John leaned down and kissed Mer through the after-shocks, uninterested in his own orgasm, only Mer’s pleasure. 

They didn’t stop kissing for a long, long while.

***

Much, much later, John found himself saying into the darkness.

‘I still don’t understand why I’m submissive.’

Look, y’ou like Dr Who, right?’ Was Mer’s oblique reply. ‘I mean _really_ like it. Wouldn’t want to give it up, spend quite a bit of time watching it, it gives you real pleasure . . . so, is that a biological imperative, liking Dr Who? Do you spend a ton of time navel-gazing about what happened to you in the past that made you that way? Does it matter? You like it.’

‘Okay, but you can understand me worrying that I like this because I’m fucked in the head.’ John said, unconvinced.

Mer hummed disapprovingly.

‘I once knew this kinky gay guy who came out in his fifties,’ he said. ‘Know why? Some asshole aunt sexually abused him in his early teens, and it completely fucked with his sense of who he was. He literally spent more than three decades of his life being a vanilla heterosexual because of trauma, but nobody ever asked him “are you vanilla because you were abused? Did trauma make you straight?”’ Mer’s voice was rising in pitch, and John realised his words hadn’t been judgemental simply of himself. Just like he couldn’t call himself faggot without being a homophobic asshole, he couldn’t be accepting of Mer whilst shaming his own kinks.

‘I take your point, Mer. I’m sorry, you’re right.’

‘Look, self-reflection is good, examining your choices is good, but the world is set up so that queer and kinky feelings are examined under a microscope and straight, vanilla feelings are just assumed and accepted. I just think people should be allowed to like what they like and be who they are without so much agonising, as long as it’s all safe, and consensual.’

John wondered, though, how safe it was if he felt like his entire psyche was a minefield and Mer might step on something at any moment, but he didn’t know how to say that. He thought he could probably do with a queer and kinky therapist right now, because Kate really didn’t fit the bill.

‘Also,’ Mer said, because he was clearly on a roll, ‘if you were a 21-year-old twink wanting to submit to an older guy, maybe there’d be less questioning and pathologising about that, too. If submission makes you happy, John, maybe it’s okay to be happy.’

‘It does, but . . .’

‘What, John?’

‘I live in _this_ shitty world, and I have to deal with all the interference and bad thoughts I’m lumbered with. I can’t just sweep them under the rug, even if it is unfair that they were ever put there.’

Mer pulled him closer and sighed. ‘I know, I know. I just don’t want to watch you go through the same self-torture I did when I started to connect to my kinky self. But I guess most of us have some demons to exorcise. Just try not to punish yourself unnecessarily.’

Well, that was a tall order, but John could only say he’d try.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘You’re gonna have to talk to me eventually, Mer.’
> 
> ‘Actually, I don’t have to do anything, Sheppard. How about you just respect my boundaries and leave me the fuck alone?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: very rough justice/retribution for a canon character, drugged rape mention. Recovery from mind violation (Asurans: follows canon). Domestic violence, abuse and trauma history mentions. Rimming, bondage, hard impact play, including to genitals, fisting, playing without a safe word (but still safe, sane and consensually)

Staff meetings were a little busier these days, but infinitely more interesting. Ronon was late, unusually for him. He looked more than usually haggard, and slumped into a chair next to John, leaning into him. He’d been doing that a lot lately and John didn’t know quite what to make of it, but he pressed back against his friend, because the man clearly needed support. 

‘Ronon? Is everything okay?’ Teyla asked,

‘Satedan council business. Some creep was raping women by using a herb to make them fall for him. Some other women found out and decided to issue retribution. Wasn’t much left of him by the time they finished.’

Teyla straightened, her face suddenly tight. ‘I would say he was asking for it, was he not? I do not agree with their actions, but if someone chooses to rape people, what do they expect to happen?’

‘Yeah,’ Ronon gruffly agreed. ‘But there’s this one culture that’s a bit . . . man-orientated, I guess. They insist the women should be punished. We’re having . . . discussions. Far as I’m concerned, it should be resolved in-community, but some think we need a planet-wide justice agreement.’

‘I do not envy you, my friend,’ Teyla’s face was compassionate and concerned. ‘I wonder how long you’ll stay standing, splitting yourself between the Satedan Council and Atlantis.’

‘Got a hundred-day handover plan. Gonna stay on Atlantis after that.’ Ronon looked somewhat relieved, but only in the way a marathon runner feels on the last mile.

‘I think we’re all very glad to hear that, Ronon,’ Elizabeth interjected.

John could see how essential Teyla and Ronon were as bridges between Earth and Pegasus cultures as Atlantis adjusted to its new complement. The two of them were split in a hundred directions, even without any offworld duties. The Athosians at least were on the same planet as Teyla (they moved to the new mainland when they brought Atlantis to New Lantea), but it would be a while before it was safe to move children and families back into the city.

Which was why one the first orders of business was to step up the process of making the city safe for its inhabitants, alongside the ongoing process of checking out any planets that might hold Ancient facilities or missed human populations.

And that was when they met the Asurans.

*******

‘You’re gonna have to talk to me eventually, Mer.’

‘Actually, I don’t have to do anything, Sheppard. How about you just respect my boundaries and leave me the fuck alone?’

John had seen Mer pissed off, had seen Mer melt down, but had never seen him like this, cold and brittle, with a look of lostness deep in his blue eyes that broke John’s heart.

Walking away from someone you love in pain was the hardest thing he could imagine doing, but he did it anyway because Mer asked him to.

They never had talked about the fact that John had started treating Mer’s place like it was his home. Now, as he walked away from Mer’s door, John felt completely adrift. He went back to his own quarters, but they seemed unfamiliar and cold. His own sense of feeling lost would have been bad enough, were it not the fact that he knew his lover was feeling so much worse.

Mer hadn’t said a word about what the Asurans had planted in his head, but he didn’t need to for John to see exactly which buttons it had pressed. Mer had already been abused and violated enough in his life, for this to happen to him now when he had worked so hard to get over his past was monstrous.

Just one more reason that John wanted to go back and obliterate that planet. Not that a vengeful boyfriend defending Mer’s honour would be any use whatever to Mer.

John’s door chimed, and his heart leapt for a second, before he realised with complete certainty it wouldn’t be McKay.

‘I had some scotch that needed drinking,’ Lorne said when John opened the door. He held up a nice bottle of single malt as evidence.

‘That works,’ John said with a half-smile. His friend had an unerring knack of showing up when needed.

Two hours later, John was well on the way to drunk, leaning heavily against the military commander. Lorne slipped an arm around him and it felt reassuring. Lorne was one of the steadiest, most reassuring people John knew. He smelled good, too; a little of whisky, a little of cordite, and, well, just _nice_. At other times John might notice the attraction he had for Evan, but right now he just felt safe. John ached for Mer but Lorne’s solid presence was some comfort.

‘Those bastards are gonna be the thing that kills us, aren’t they?’ It wasn’t just the way they’d broken Mer, there was something merciless about this foe that truly terrified John.

They had relocated Atlantis back to the original Lantea, and relocated the Athosians back inside the city, but even with three ZPMs they couldn’t rely on shifting around the galaxy as a long-term strategy, and it wasn’t like they could outrun the replicators the way they could outrun the wraith.

How to defeat the Asurans had suddenly become much higher on their order of business than how to defeat their original foe, and John suddenly understood what Mitchell had meant when he said he missed the Goa’uld. The replicators unsettled him in a whole new way.

‘McKay’ll figure it out,’ Evan said confidently. ‘Just because he’s a mess . . . he’s still working hard as ever.’

‘I wish I knew how to support him right now,’ John said dejectedly. ‘I feel like I’ve failed him.’ He wished he knew how to take away Mer’s pain. Wished he knew how to be the right kind of strong in the meantime when he felt anything but. He just felt cold and lost and useless and sad.

‘It’s not like that, John. He’s avoiding. You know that’s a part of trauma. Give him time, my friend.’ Lorne gave John’s shoulder a squeeze and John sagged down further into his friend.

***

For weeks it went on like that. Every time John saw Mer he looked even more haunted than the last. They were all running on little sleep, planning and talking and thinking and researching their way out of this sudden pit they found themselves in.

John tried to figure out ways to hint that Mer could come to him when ready without crossing his boundaries. He left Mer’s favourite seed cake on his desk at work. Left a new blanket he’d bought off-world rolled up on Mer’s doorstep. Made sure the cooks put aside Mer’s favourites when he worked late in the lab. They seemed such paltry gestures, but John didn’t know what else to do. He spent his nights curled up around a pillow. Nothing he had in his room had Mer’s scent on it and that one thing drove him crazy more than anything – Mer never used to come to his room, because John’s bed was tiny and ridiculous and Mer had a prescription mattress. 

There was no trace of the scientist being any part of John’s life.

Then about six Earth weeks after they left Asurus, John was woken deep in the middle of the night. The door swished, and the only person on Atlantis it would open for apart from John shuffled in, wrapped in the blue and purple blanket John had left outside his door many days before.

John sat up in his bed. He didn’t speak, barely dared to breathe. Didn’t know how to not get this wrong. So he just waited.

Mer came over to the bed and sat down heavily. His face was silhouetted in the faint Lantean moonlight. He didn’t look at John, just clenched his hands in his lap. He looked so lost; John couldn’t bear it.

‘I . . . think you look like you could use a hug,’ John said, ‘but I’ve been known to get these things wrong.’

Mer just nodded, barely perceptibly.

That was enough for John. He circled his arms around Mer and miraculously, whatever frost had set in melted at his touch. Mer clung to him, dissolving into pieces in his arms. 

‘I can’t be who you need me to be right now,’ Mer said, a long while later. His face was tear-streaked, and he had only just stopped shaking. His voice sounded bleak and devastated, and John just held on as tight as he could.

‘I don’t know what you think I need you to be, but I suspect there may be some errors in your calculations,’ John responded. ‘I know you’re not some sort of fixed state, always reliably the same and I don’t want you to be. I love you no matter what.’

‘Even if I couldn’t dominate a bowl of blue Jello right now? Because when that side of me comes out at all, it comes out vicious, which works fine for Frank but would be a disaster for you.’ Mer sniffled.

‘Christ, Mer, is that it? You think if there isn’t space for me to explore that side of myself with you then what? The fact that I’m in love with you just goes away?’

‘Maybe . . .’

‘Mer, you told me once that your feelings for me were a given, no matter what I was into or up to trying. Did you not think I would feel the same? Have we not been on the same page this whole time?’

‘I . . .’ Mer buried his head against John’s shoulder and breathed raggedly. John knew Mer had been through an ordeal, but he couldn’t quite make out what was going on for him right now. ‘. . . I told you, I’m better at sex than relationships. That’s what people want me for, that’s what I’m g-good for.’ John heard the involuntary sob in his words and wanted to hurt all the people who made Mer feel that way.

‘Mer, listen. If you never had any kind of sex with me ever again, I would still love you, still want all the things we have together, still see you as the most important person in my life. Sex is just icing, but you’re the really good cake, McKay, don’t you get that? You don’t actually need any fucking icing at all.’

Mer started to sob against John’s shoulder again, but this time he was pretty sure they were a better kind of tears. He raked his hands through Mer’s wavy hair and held on tight until the sobbing subsided, and they finally drifted off to sleep in the chill hours before dawn.

***

Mer knew how to get over things. He’d been doing it all his life. Since they’d been together, John had learned more and more about the difficulties Mer went through as a vulnerable young autistic person, including bullying and exclusion, an unwanted and inappropriate attention from a female teacher that had tried to groom him into a relationship and come close to succeeding, and his abusive relationship with Andrew.

John was surprised and impressed by the creative ways Mer took to both confront, and avoid, his pain in a pattern that appeared quite random but somehow slowly brought him towards a kind of acceptance of the torture the Asurans had put him through. He’d spent a lot of time with Heightmeyer, but that wasn’t the only tool in his arsenal.

‘I need you to hurt me,’ Mer said to John one day, and John froze. ‘It’ll help, trust me,’ he added.

It wasn’t that they hadn’t done this plenty of times before, but John still hesitated, unsure what he was being asked.

‘I thought you were going to Sacha for that,’ he said carefully.

‘Different thing. With Sacha, _I’m_ in control. I need to take the next step – need someone I trust completely. There’s only you, John.’

And didn’t that make John’s heart soar at the same time as terrifying him?

They talked for more than an hour before John felt confident that he understood exactly what Mer needed from him. When Mer said he didn’t want to use a safeword, John was initially uncomfortable.

‘You told me never to give up my safeword to anyone,’ he said.

Mer nodded. ‘And I meant it. If a lover asks _you_ to give up _your_ safeword or tells you to trust him beyond what your own gut tells you, run a mile. The extent to which you can trust a person is exactly where your hard limits should be.’

 _Oh._ John finally understood what Mer was getting at. He trusted John to safeword _for_ him. He knew John wouldn’t just push him past his limits and imagine he knew best. And Mer was right, because that’s exactly how it was the other way round – John never needed to safeword because Mer was looking out for him and would never leave him in difficulty and distress.

He got Mer up on his tiny bed on his hands and knees and tied his wrists and ankles down securely to ropes he’d run underneath in bands. He blindfolded his partner, but then hesitated at the next bit.

‘It’s okay, do it. Please.’

John gave way and reached for the gag. They were in John’s room, reliant on his own meagre supplies, so the gag was a soft fabric scarf with a big knot in it. He kissed Mer’s lips carefully and sensuously before putting it in place. He would be watching Mer for any signs of distress, watching his body and making sure he was safe and okay. He knew that was the point, that Mer trusted him, knew he was in good hands. Needed to not be in control – well, John could understand that.

‘You’re getting my belt, and nothing else. You’re gonna get it for a long time, Mer. This isn’t going to be easy. I know you don’t want it to be.’ He ran his hands firmly over Mer’s back, over his naked buttocks, adjusted Mer’s stance so that his legs were just a little wider. He knew Mer wanted to really hurt, and he was going to make sure Mer got exactly what he wanted.

He slipped his belt out of the loops of his jeans. It was old and soft; he’d used it on Mer before and he knew exactly what he was doing. John wasn’t a sadist, but he did get off on pleasing his partner, and the last time he’d done this it had been hot as fuck. This time, everything felt a lot more complicated. He didn’t even know what he was _allowed_ to feel.

Thwack! He brought the belt down hard across Mer’s buttocks, leaving a faint stripe. Mer groaned, a perfect blend of pleasure and pain in his voice. John could see his cock swell, and his own responded to the sight. 

He swiped the belt across his lover’s body again and again, careful and precise and more or less without mercy, leaving a criss-cross of red marks, watching Mer’s cock grow to hard and then leaking, and before long, looking like it might just burst. Mer’s whole body and demeanour were vibrating with pleasure, even amidst the pain.

‘You’re not allowed to come,’ John said, and Mer groaned and rolled his eyes, but managed to look secretly pleased all the same.

‘I’m gonna make it a little harder for you,’ John said, ‘but I’m going to let you take a little break to collect yourself first.’ He’d have liked to have given Mer a drink, but they talked about this and the gag needed to stay on. He’d made sure his lover had hydrated plenty before they started.

He took a good five minutes to let Mer come down from the edge, stroking his body with firm, careful strokes. When he finally thought Mer could take it, he shortened the reach of the belt and flicked it right between Mer’s legs.

The sound Mer made was ridiculously gratifying, perfectly poised between shock and excitement. John didn’t hold back, issuing a series of hard flicks to Mer’s cock and balls until he was right back on the edge again, whining and groaning, and John was close to coming in his pants just from watching him.

‘You’re stunning like this,’ he said, his voice awed. Maybe it wasn’t so bad on this side of the dynamic. ‘I think I need to give you some pleasure before I hurt you some more.’

They had both showered, and Mer had cleansed internally. They were now covered in a sheen of clean sweat. John wasn’t interested in any lead-in; he was supposed to be tormenting his lover, after all, so he just dove straight for Mer’s ass. Mer shivered as John’s tongue quickly breached his hole and fucked him loose. He could almost see the tension pouring out of his partner and it was very gratifying. He pulled back and sank his teeth into Mer’s perfect butt-cheek and his lover almost-squealed.

‘One more round with the belt, and then I want to be inside you,’ John said, and Mer thrust his ass up in readiness for the onslaught. Damn, Mer really was a pain slut. John let rip with the belt, not holding back a thing, hitting everywhere – thighs, buttocks, cock and balls. Mer moaned and writhed and John could see he was using his breath to hold onto his orgasm, something he was damn good at.

‘Need some help hanging on?’ he asked his lover, and Mer just shook his head, looking as determined as he was delirious.

‘Okay. Last six.’ Three across Mer’s balls, three across his asshole. John would have winced at the very idea of it once, but Mer processed pain very differently than he did. He’d freak out at a splinter, but if he got badly injured, he always sounded more offended than distressed. This was as full-on as John would ever get, and Mer was clearly loving it.

There had been a number of possibilities negotiated on tonight’s menu. Mer didn’t want to know what was going to happen, but John had been given options. One option, Mer had particularly wanted but John had been pretty sure he wasn’t brave enough to follow through on. He knew Mer had prepared himself just in case and had also made sure John had all the instruction he needed to do it safely.

Now, he was sure he had to do this. So, he got out the really good lube and began to open Mer up, trying not to be too sensual with it, just to let him catch his breath. It didn’t take long before he had three fingers inside his lover, still avoiding his prostate, but Mer was thrusting back towards him anyhow. John smacked him.

‘Stay still and take it, Mer.’ Mer stilled, but John could see he was nearly vibrating with want. John was turned on as fuck, but he was trying to ignore his own cock. Tonight, it was going to be denied, and that was more than okay.

John reckoned he had the right hands for this job, as he eased four long fingers inside Mer’s ass. He slowly twisted his hand round, stroking his thumb across Mer’s perineum and pushing down to a full hand’s width. Mer sighed, clearly cottoning on to what was happening, and let his body relax even more.

John wished he was more of a talker, because Mer was amazing like this and watching him give himself over to John was such an incredible gift. John pulled back his hand, tucked in his thumb, and made a cone shape, pushing in oh, so slowly, monitoring his lover’s face carefully as he did so. Mer just opened up and let him in. John’s breath caught at the sight of his hand disappearing inside of Mer, the site of Mer’s hole stretched around his wrist, tight, but astonishingly not too tight.

‘Wow, Mer,’ John didn’t know what else to say. He slowly flexed his hand inside his lover, and Mer’s moaning took on a desperate quality. John tried a little twist and the pitch rose even higher.

‘Are you ready to come for me, Mer?’ John asked a little breathlessly, awed at the sight of Mer beginning to tremble from the effort of holding back his orgasm. John carefully made his hand into a fist inside his lover, pushing against his prostate in the process.

‘Come on Mer, come for me now, beautiful,’ he said, and Mer shook apart around his hand, coming and coming. John reached for Mer’s cock and pumped it to prolong his orgasm, pushing him almost into pain, revelling in the pitch of the almost-screams that were coming from his lover. He didn’t care about his own orgasm; this was the most intense sexual experience of his life. He began to stroke Mer’s back as he started to come down, reluctantly easing his hand out of Mer’s body and running quickly to wash up and bring Mer a washcloth, not wanting to leave him alone.

He quickly released his lover from his bonds, and the gag and blindfold, wrapped himself around Mer and pulled a blanket over the two of them. He thought off the lights.

Mer was very still and quiet, clinging close and accepting John’s kisses with a neediness John wasn’t used to but didn’t hate. 

‘I love you,’ John whispered, ‘you’re amazing.’

‘John,’ Mer said, but then whatever he wanted to say next didn’t come and he went quiet again.

‘Hey,’ John said, putting a hand to Mer’s cheek and feeling tears, ‘hey, it’s okay, Mer, it’s okay. You’re safe now.’

‘I was back with Andrew. On Asurus, I mean. There were weeks of it, John. _Weeks_. I tried not to tell him anything but he knew all the ways into my head. It was so real. Just like it had been only fresh and humiliating and dangerous and even worse than I remembered. I really tried to stay strong, John, but I told them too much, I know I did. I don’t even know what I told, or what they just plucked out of my head.’

‘I hate that they put you through that,’ John said, feeling something like fury on Mer’s behalf.

‘They’re cold, John. Implacable. We have to destroy them before they kill us all,’ Mer said bleakly.

‘We’ll find a way Mer,’ John said, ‘we’ll find a way.’


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hardest thing for him to bear was that he was about to abandon hope that his lover would return or had even reached the universe that was creating the tear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: spoilers for McKay and Mrs Miller, Common Ground. John has abandonment issues.

‘It has to be me that goes because, frankly, I’m the cleverest person here,’ Mer said to John, as if John didn’t already know that. Mer had one eye on Radek, who was watching the _Daedalus’_ readouts as they synchronised with the anomaly that had appeared in space above Old Lantea. If the replicators hadn’t driven them back here, they might have missed it.

John could tell from the panic throughout the lab that his attention was soon going to be lost. He tried not to feel ridiculously petulant about an apocalypse coming and taking his lover away just when they were finding their feet again.

‘I mean, it’s probably only alternative universe me that’s capable of the level of conceit needed to rip a tear in the fabric of someone else’s universe, so . . .’

‘I love you when you’re being an arrogant sonofabitch, you know that, right?’ John said, trying to ignore the panic that was clawing at him. ‘Just . . . hurry back.’

Mer’s eyes shifted away, and John’s stomach suddenly filled with lead. ‘You _are_ coming back?’

‘If I’m right about what’s happening, the matter bridge is unidirectional,’ Mer said despondently. ‘Which means I don’t know how I’ll get home. I’m sorry.’

He looked like he had more to say, but just at that moment, Radek shouted out, ‘Now, McKay!’

Mer activated the personal shield Ronon had brought from Sateda and instantly disappeared in a beam of light.

Not just disappeared from Atlantis, but from the entire fucking universe.

***

As they watched the tear in space above the planet grow, Zelenka recommended they move the city, and John’s world started to crumble.

The hardest thing for him to bear was that he was about to abandon hope that his lover would return or had even reached the universe that was creating the tear. They were facing total annihilation, and relocation would only delay the inevitable. There were so many things John could be feeling, but all he could muster was a kind of panicked fury _._

And more of that fury was aimed at Mer and his alternate self than John felt comfortable admitting. The worst part . . . the very worst of it was how much his own petty feeling of being abandoned dwarfed any emotions he had about the entire _universe_ being screwed. Maybe an apocalypse was too big to have feelings about, but that abandonment feeling was so damned old and so familiar. It didn’t matter how many times John told himself he was being stupid, it wouldn’t go away.

Hence, while the rest of Atlantis panicked about total annihilation, John was alone in his own personal hell.

He took himself to the control chair and tried to get into the right headspace to initialise it. Zelenka’s voice in his ear was just one more wrong note in the ongoing chorus of everything getting more and more fucked.

‘If not gone in fifteen minutes, forget,’ the little Czech said, his impatience bleeding into his characteristic linguistic carelessness.

John did the breathing-and-grounding thing and prepared to lift Atlantis from the surface. The moment they moved, Mer would be screwed even if he found a way back, of course. John knew it was too late for hope, but he struggled to cut that last thread.

Taking a deep breath, he gently asked Atlantis to lift, and she gave a soft, answering vibration.

‘Dr Sheppard, stand by,’ Zelenka’s voice came through a little breathlessly. John allowed the city ship to sink back down the foot or so she had lifted and tried to breathe while he awaited whatever this latest delay was down to. They were moving ominously close to Zelenka’s deadline, to being swallowed up by the ever-growing anomaly.

There was silence for a handful of minutes. John was about to check in when his radio clicked again.

‘Miss me?’ a voice said softly in John’s ear.

It was just like being in the middle of an explosion. The ringing in his ears, the hard thump in his chest, the long moment when everything was silent, and he couldn’t move or speak.

‘Sheppard? Don’t tell me you’re slacking off while I’ve been saving the universe.’

John somehow found his power of speech and slid into his practiced drawl. ‘Hey, McKay, if you’d left it any longer, you’d have landed in the ocean.’

‘That would’ve been . . . unfortunate,’ Mer’s voice replied, sounding almost amused, damn him to hell.

‘Yeah. Unfortunate.’ John couldn’t school the anger out of his voice.

‘Oh, hey . . .’ Mer must’ve caught John’s tone. ‘Apparently the debrief’s not for half an hour, so, um . . . wanna catch up?’

‘Your quarters. Now.’ John growled, leaping out of the chair and finding his legs had turned to jelly. He held onto the chair telling himself to calm the fuck down. His system was so overloaded with toxic levels of fear and anger he could barely think. If he did see Mer now, he was liable to yell or start throwing things and it kinda scared him.

‘Maybe I shouldn’t . . .’ John said into his radio, fighting to get his breath and body back under his control.

‘Fuckssake Sheppard, get over here and yell if you have to.’

But Mer actually sounded more scared of being yelled at than he had about universe hopping, and that damn near broke John. He got a bare minimum grip on himself and headed for the transporter. Soon Mer’s door was swooshing open for him and there was Mer, sitting on the edge of his bed looking exhausted and careworn and gorgeous and _alive._ John made it across the room in a heartbeat and knelt on the floor between the scientist’s legs, pulling him down into a frenzied kiss.

John didn’t know what to do with all his feelings, but he’d passed angry and landed somewhere near desperate. Mer looked perplexed, and still a little apprehensive, but he returned John’s kiss with interest, until they were grabbing at each other hard enough to bruise and clashing lips and tongues, fierce and uncoordinated.

John didn’t know what he wanted but he was damn sure talking wasn’t going to solve a fucking thing.

‘I need to . . . can I blow you?’ he asked, running hands down Mer’s body to his fly and stroking with his thumbs just hard enough to get a reaction.

‘Yes, god, yes. Please.’ So apparently McKay wasn’t up for talking either.

John unzipped Mer quickly and mouthed his already filling cock. He wasn’t fancy and he wasn’t careful – he’d been slowly eradicating his gag reflex over the months but now he was almost choking himself as he got his partner off with frantic desperation. 

‘Christ John, I’m gonna . . .’ Mer said in less than three minutes and then it was over, and John was nuzzling his head down onto Mer’s thigh and circling Mer’s waist with his arms while Mer petted his hair.

‘I’m sorry I left, John. We’d all be dead if I hadn’t, but I’m still sorry.’

It was some small comfort that Mer understood a little of what John was feeling.

They still had twenty minutes til the briefing, so John crawled up and pushed Mer back on the bed. Mer reached for John’s fly, but he shook his head, instead just nuzzling his way into Mer’s arms until they were holding him tightly enough to almost calm him.

‘Tell me what it was like there,’ he said eventually.

‘They’re in bad shape.’ Mer sighed, ‘and mostly because they didn’t get the Dagan ZedPM – Peter Grodin’s dead, Ford too. And Gaul and Abrams never made it off that planet with the crashed hive.’

 _Fuck._ John knew that was all on the other Sheppard. 

‘Without the ZedPM, Atlantis never left Old Lantea.’ Mer continued, ‘The Wraith siege was brutal. They used the same trick we were going to use in the end but had to borrow a nuke off the Genii to do it – they’ve tried to keep the Genii as allies where we’ve cut ties. That hasn’t worked out so well for them.’ Mer looked pale as he said this, and John wondered what he _wasn’t_ saying.

‘Any upsides?’ He asked.

‘Well, you’re a Lt Colonel, and still military commander, despite their eventual contact with Earth. I don’t know if that’s an upside. Apparently you went on a suicide mission, riding a nuke into the belly of a hiveship during the siege.’ Mer shivered when explaining this. ‘You lived – but not for want of trying to get yourself killed.’

He sounded like he was chastising John, which really wasn’t fair.

‘Oh, and Carson’s retrovirus worked . . . for which there could be benefits, I guess, only so far the fallout has been you being temporarily turned into some sort of iratus bug hybrid . . .’ John went cold at the thought of this, ‘. . . and the wraith they tested the finished product on escaping and going on to be part of a scheme that nearly brought a wraith attack down on Earth. Crisis was averted, but they lost the _Orion_ , and this half-breed wraith is still on the loose and very pissed off.’

‘I think we made the right call, then,’ John shivered.

‘I can’t wrap my head around how different their world is just because nobody stood in Carson’s way and they didn’t take a puddlejumper full of marines with them to Dagan,’ Mer said, shuddering. ‘. . . no ZedPM, no Orion, sitting ducks for the Asurans, Ford and Grodin dead, you . . .’ Mer went quiet and pulled John close, holding a little too tight.

‘Mer, what _aren’t_ you telling me?’ Then John realised, unsure how he felt about it but seeing it clear as day, ‘you and the other Sheppard . . .’

‘Yeah,’ Mer said, ‘but that isn’t what I’m struggling to talk about. You should know I can’t resist you in any universe, John, that’s not something I’m ashamed of, or feel the need to defend. I’m sorry if that feels weird to you, though.’

John shrugged. ‘Dunno how I feel about it to be honest . . .’

‘He was so lost, John, so alone . . . how could I not give him . . . give _you_ comfort?’

‘Other you wasn’t . . .?’

‘Other me was a mess. Doesn’t know he’s autistic, doesn’t manage his hypoglycemia, emotionally all over the place, though it comes across as just pissy and arrogant. He nearly blew himself and other you up at Doranda, so they’re not doing so well with each other. Other you bullies other me, too, and I totally called him over that. The pair of us are in a sorry state over there. I’m not sure I liked who either of us had become.’ He went quiet and shivered to himself.

‘Mer, I repeat, what _aren’t_ you telling me?’

Mer sighed. ‘It wasn’t just that they didn’t get the ZedPM on Dagan – Kolya didn’t die. He’d recently captured you, John. He . . .’

‘What?’ How terrible could it be?

‘Tortured you. By making a wraith feed on you, a little bit at a time.’ Mer shuddered, looking genuinely stricken.

 _Jesus._ ‘I was old?’

‘No, you were . . . younger, actually, missing a few grey hairs. But you really weren’t okay. The wraith escaped with you and gave you back the life it took . . . gave you back lives sucked out of Genii soldiers, in fact. But I think it took something you weren’t going to get back, and that scared the shit out of me. It hurt to see you like that, John.’


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Well, FRAn played her part pretty well, huh?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: Spoilers for AU version of Be All My Sins Remember'd, genocide of a sentient species.

One good thing that came out of being in another dimension was that Mer had a chance to talk with his alt-self and his alt-sister about the Asuran problem. After he was back, he shared their idea with senior staff. Given Earth’s interest in the matter, General O’Neill was in attendance, as were representatives of the Hoffan and Satedan planetary councils.

‘And we’re clear that this is genocide of a clearly self-aware and sentient species, are we?’ Elizabeth interjected, her face more pinched even than usual.

Everyone shifted and looked uncomfortable.

‘Look, our sensors tell us an Atlantis-sized vessel visited New Lantea this morning. If we’d stayed, we would have been wiped out, as our counterparts in the dimension I recently visited almost certainly will when they get a similar visit,’ Mer was more than usually impatient today. ‘We made contact with the Asurans a little ahead of them, but they’re sitting ducks over there and their Elizabeth is living in cloud cuckoo land, believing the issue can be solved diplomatically. They’re _machines,_ programmed to be _weapons_. We tried to help them go beyond that programming and they rejected the plan. I cannot state this more clearly – it’s them or us.’

‘The more pressing issue is that we have to make this attack definitive or forget it.’ O’Neill added, ‘The replicators can rebuild at alarming speed, any act of aggression on our part that is not successful will result in retaliation we’re not equipped to cope with. We have to make this work. And I’m not sure we have enough ships to ensure the replicators don’t break away.’

‘No news on the _Apollo,_ General?’ Lorne asked.

‘We’re still pushing ahead, but I don’t see her being ready,’ O’Neill responded.

‘What about the other city-ship, McKay?’ Ronon asked.

‘Salvageable, despite the big hole I blew in it with a drone. We can have her space worthy in three weeks. The question then is, did the Asurans get the location of Earth from any of us? Because if they did, can we wait three weeks?’

John could see the strain in Mer’s face as he said that – he was convinced he’d broken under the Asurans’ torture, but he couldn’t remember what he’d told them.

‘The _Daedalus_ confirms the attack vessel sent to New Lantea has returned to Asurus, so at least they have not headed directly for Earth, that suggests they do not know the location, no?’ Teyla interjected.

‘Or, it suggests they are not as aggressive as we would paint them,’ Elizabeth countered.

 _Seriously?_ Thought John, after what they put her through, Elizabeth of all people should see what they were.

Ronon cut in, somewhat angrily, ‘they have shown a willingness to destroy Atlantis. The human population of Pegasus is now confined to just four planets and a few spaceships. Safety from wraith has magnified the danger from the replicators. Our priority must be their safety.’ John noted the way he had switched into the formal way of speaking he used when negotiating politically with the Earthers.

‘I agree,’ said Teyla, ‘these replicators are the most dangerous weapon this galaxy has faced, a weapon that is currently turned on human populations. We have no choice but to act now.’

‘The Satedan Council concurs with this,’ Keyna Shalkannin added her voice, and the Hoffan representative followed suit.

‘That’s the position from Earth,’ agreed the General. ‘We should wait on the second city-ship, but then proceed with the plan. Even if some replicators break away, this will slow them down. In an ideal world, though, we get them all.’

John sighed, because the very last thing he ever wanted to do again when he resigned from the military was have to be part of a decision like this, but decisions on Atlantis could no longer be railroaded by the US military, and it was his job as Elizabeth’s deputy to make the case either way for Earth’s side of the expedition.

‘We have two city ships, the Orion, the _Daedalus,_ and whatever I can negotiate the Travellers to bring to the fight,’ he said. ‘The authorisation to offer them use of the second city ship as incentive will go a long way to help with that. It’s barely enough, but I think we have to do this.’

‘Very well,’ said Elizabeth, looking round the room at the senior staff and planetary representatives. ‘Is there anyone here who objects to the idea?’ She was met with silence. ‘In that case I agree also. Your arguments are compelling. It seems that yet again our job in this galaxy is to undo the mistakes of our ancestors.’

John noted the way Elizabeth had manoeuvred the discussion so it looked like she had the final say, even though that was far from the reality. He noticed subtle looks between the Pegasus natives present – it wasn’t lost on them, either.

‘Look on the bright side Elizabeth,’ O’Neill said, ‘chances are slim that this is the last we’ll see of the replicators, in which case it won’t be genocide after all.’ His voice was light, but there was a jaded look behind the man’s eyes that spoke of the unrelenting terror he’d encountered.

Sometimes, John missed the days when the “bad guys” were other humans with far inferior weaponry. He honestly didn’t think there was room in his head to feel bad about the obliteration of the sentient death machines that had tortured his partner.

***

‘Well, FRAn played her part pretty well, huh?’ Mer did not look exactly happy about the destruction of the replicator planet, but it had gone . . . well, not according to plan, but at least successfully according to the strategies Mer and the other scientists had made up as they went along. The replicators had been obliterated, and their planet with it, all thanks to Mer’s trojan horse android. Atlantis had even grabbed a few more ZPMs for themselves along the way.

They were heading back towards their quarters after the longest day, well, since they last flew the city. Both Atlantis and the other as yet unnamed city ship were now floating on New Lantea’s ocean (‘the wraith don’t know this location and the days are a better length,’ John had successfully argued, during the “back to Old Lantea or New” discussion). The _Daedalus, Orion_ and various Traveller vessels were in orbit. 

In the morning, they’d start to figure out handing over the other city ship to the Travellers, complete with a liaison crew to ensure the space-faring people didn’t use it to attempt galactic domination. The ship belonged to the galaxy and was being loaned to the Travellers on the understanding they continued to come to the aid of their allies on the ground. Although smaller than Atlantis, the ship was still going to solve the Travellers’ cramped conditions, which was reasonable compensation for the fact that without the full complement of Traveller vessels, some of the replicators would easily have escaped before the pull of the mass on the planet took effect. 

‘You did good, Mer.’

‘I feel like shit.’ He said simply.

‘Yeah, I know.’ John swept a hand across Mer’s shoulders. ‘Do you wanna be alone or . . .’

It was a bit like they’d started dating from scratch. John’s stuff was no longer lying around Mer’s quarters and they didn’t see as much of each other as they used to. It was driving John nuts, when he had time to think about his private life at all, but Mer had been through a lot and John was determined to be, or at least act, patient.

They had just stepped into the transporter, and suddenly Mer was crowding John up against the wall, kissing him hard. He hadn’t been like this with John for so long and it went simultaneously to John’s heart and his dick.

‘I want to take you back to my bed and fuck you really hard. Can we do that?’

‘Hell yeah,’ John responded, pressing his body into Mer’s. ‘Wanna get kinky with me, McKay?’

Mer froze. ‘I, er . . .’

‘Hey, it’s okay if you don’t . . .’

‘I really want to top you, I’m just . . . in a funny place with my inner Dom, not a place that’s right for us. Me humiliating you and treating you like shit is never going to be part of our dynamic.’ He swept a hand over John’s hair and looked in his eyes. Then he pulled a disdainful face that was pure McKay. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake Sheppard, you can wipe that “I’ll do anything” look off your face. I _love_ you. I couldn’t treat you that way anymore than I could buy Frank flowers.’

‘You still love me? You sure?’ John hated that he was asking, hated how needy he sounded.

‘John . . .’ Mer’s face clouded with worry, ‘of course I still love you, how is that not clear? I would have told you if I didn’t, if things had changed that much.’

‘But . . . things _have_ changed. I don’t mean because of the way we fuck . . . I don’t care about that, I understand. But . . .’ John dried up, unsure of how to say what he wanted to say.

‘Hey, did you notice we’re still in the transporter?’ Mer interrupted. ‘Maybe we should take this conversation back to my place?’

‘Yeah. _Your_ place.’ John really didn’t mean the emphasis to be quite so obvious.

He could almost see the moment the penny dropped behind Mer’s eyes.

‘Oh. So that’s it,’ Mer said, his face suddenly tight. ‘Okay . . . I guess we’re going to do some talking before we do anything else.’

‘Does it have to be that way round?’ John pulled his best pout.

Mer squeezed his hand as they walked out into the corridor. ‘Yeah. I think it really does.’

By the time they got back to Mer’s place, the last thing John wanted was to talk about it. But Mer’s place felt different now, like John had been moved out. It wasn’t like they had been living together, exactly, only . . .

‘I miss you being here,’ Mer said, sitting heavily on the bed and looking around. ‘It’s that, isn’t it? The way I just . . . shut you out of the space that was becoming as much yours as mine. I . . .’ but Mer’s words dried up.

‘Yeah. That’s it exactly.’ John tossed up between the bed and the chair, finally sitting next to Mer, but with a little distance between them. ‘I mean, I understood but . . .’

‘But I hurt you.’

‘I . . .’ admitting to hurt was not something John was good at, but, ‘. . . yeah.’

‘We were on the verge of living together, weren’t we?’ Mer said. ‘I really hadn’t planned that, but . . . I liked it. This place isn’t the same without you and your stuff around it. I didn’t even really notice that you were taking it back a little bit at a time until it was all gone.’

‘I’d jumped the gun spending so much time here, taking for granted I could bring stuff.’ John scratched at the back of his head, feeling lost.

‘No, you . . . you didn’t. It was . . . mutual. I didn’t want you gone, I just felt too fucked up. Not enough. I’m so shit at relationships.’ Mer’s shoulders were curved in on himself. He looked . . . defeated.

‘You’re not,’ John insisted, ‘Well, no more than I am. Probably much less.’ John thought about the way he’d just withdrawn, helpless, in the face of Mer’s pain. ‘I wanted to be there for you, Mer, but I didn’t know how.’ He reached for Mer’s hand, and Mer gripped back with surprising ferocity.

‘I think if you’d lived with me it might have been easier, actually. I might have felt like I had the right to look for support from you,’ Mer said. ‘I don’t even know if I truly believe that’s a thing you can ask for . . . help, I mean. Always had to figure stuff out on my own.’

Damn, he looked so sad.

‘Mer, you’re not alone.’ John tangled his fingers into Mer’s. ‘I wanted to be there. I know some of it . . . you needed space, I get that. You needed stuff from Frank and Sacha that I can’t give. I’m okay with that. If we lived together you’d still have needed space. And that would’ve been its own kind of hard. But maybe . . .’ John couldn’t believe he was saying this. He lived with Nancy because that’s what you did when you married somebody, but he’d never actually thought about consciously moving in with someone in his life.

‘Maybe?’

‘Maybe we should have acknowledged that we accidentally moved in together. Maybe we should have shifted that from “accidentally” to “intentionally”.’ John’s heart was suddenly in his mouth, because he didn’t know if they could get back what they had before Asuras, and this felt risky as hell, but still _right._

‘Fuck, John. Am I really the person you want to share space with?’ Mer said, looking bewildered. ‘Not just the “fun kinky sex” me, but the “traumatised from abuse and torture and too fucked up to communicate” me?’ Mer had turned around on the bed to face him, and his hand was doing this strange little tugging/pushing thing, like he wanted John closer but was feeling uncertain.

‘Yeah. Mer, I wasn’t kidding when I said if you took sex off the table, I’d still want this. And when I said I want this I meant . . .’

Mer just sat and waited as John tried to put the words together in his head. Eventually, John slid closer to Mer, still holding his hand but now their thighs and shoulders were touching.

‘I want you to be the person I share everything with,’ John said finally, letting out the breath he was holding. ‘Life partner. I can’t see the future, but I want . . . forever.’

Mer looked so vulnerable John was a little shocked. He kept forgetting just how breakable his lover was, for all his incredible strength.

‘Mer, are you okay? Was that too much?’

‘No, I . . .’ Mer tipped his forehead onto John’s shoulder. ‘I want that, John. So . . . would you move in with me, then, even after all this?’

‘Yeah.’ John lifted Mer’s head and kissed him, slow and sweet. ‘Yeah, I’d move in with you, Mer. In a heartbeat.’


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The room continued the ocean theme, but in darker, deepwater hues with hints of purple. In the centre of the room, an enormous bed dominated the space. At first, John thought it was a piece of sculpture, but as he looked more closely, he realised its beauty had functionality in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for D/s, spanking, possessiveness, marking, mention of John's Master/slave kink

‘Right, come with me,’ Mer used his bossy voice and John just fell in, letting his lover take him by the hand and lead him to the transporter without a question.

John recognised the building they’d ended up in. It had recently been declared safe – one of the biggest towers in Atlantis, containing around 200 large apartments alongside other spaces. People had already begun to move in. Lorne, Parrish and Ronon had all taken places conveniently close to one another.

‘I asked them to hold this one for me,’ said Mer, as he came to an entrance and opened it up. ‘I really wanted it, but when it came to it, I couldn’t bear the idea of moving in alone.’

The apartment was as stunning as all the others John had seen in the building. Ocean views were not exactly an unusual feature here, but the interior was a subtle reflection of the views, a curved space of ever-changing blues and greens. The central room was big and empty, with three rooms coming off it. In one corner, a now-familiar Ancient cooking facility was housed into the wall. On closer inspection there were concealed closets and pull-out surfaces. 

‘I could cook!’ Mer’s eyes gleamed. 

John slid his arms around his lover. ‘Gonna make you lots of fry-ups. You’re way too skinny.’ He hadn’t missed how Mer’s cheeks had started to sink since Asuras, and it bothered him.

‘Does this mean . . .’

‘Hell yeah. I love it.’ John smiled and was rewarded with an excited kiss.

‘You, er, haven’t seen the bedroom . . . there’s something quite particular and unique about this space that I was . . . drawn to.’

He took John’s hand and showed him first to two empty, unremarkable rooms. The second had an internal door that led to a big bathroom that continued the ocean theme, with a sunken bath that had a waterfall-like shower above it, and the usual weird but comfy Ancient toilet. The other side of the bathroom a second door led into the master bedroom, but Mer took them the long way, back out into the living space and through the entrance there, clearly wanting the room to make an impression.

It made an impression, alright.

‘Wow!’ was all John could say as he took in what had to be the most unusual, but perfect-for-them bed he had ever seen.

The room continued the ocean theme, but in darker, deepwater hues with hints of purple. In the centre of the room, an enormous bed dominated the space. At first, John thought it was a piece of sculpture, but as he looked more closely, he realised its beauty had functionality in mind.

The low base was dark blue-green and round, made out of an Ancient material that had kept its firm, yielding quality astonishingly well. It would be a bitch to buy sheets for but hang the practicality. This bed had _potential_. Around the base six evenly spaced struts that resembled slender plant stems curved into a central canopy. But it was the canopy that John was looking at in amazement. It was made up of loop after loop of hanging chain, that resembled a forest of weeds, oddly delicate and beautiful, gleaming in colours that mimicked the inside of a shell.

Beautiful, but also . . . oh, the possibilities.

‘I think the Ancient that lived here was kinky,’ Mer said. ‘They easily take my weight, I tested already.’

John’s eyes widened. He walked over to the bed, leading Mer by the hand. Instead of approaching the comfy-looking base, he leaned himself up against one of the struts, allowing it to curve him backwards. He clasped his hands together behind him, on the other side of the strut, and gave Mer his best come-hither look.

‘Fuck, John,’ Mer said, stepping in close and putting a hand to his cheek, his eyes wide.

‘Yeah, that’s the general idea . . .’

Mer pressed himself the length of John and took a hungry, possessive kiss that melted John against the strut. John suddenly couldn’t help the longing that stirred up in him. He wanted Mer no matter what, but he _missed_ Mer’s domination, he couldn’t help that. Mer’s hands had come up to his biceps, holding him so tight it was close to hurting, pressing him back so that the strut dug into his spine. It was fucking bliss and he ached to just submit. Who was he kidding? He was already falling into a submissive headspace. 

‘John . . .’ Mer sounded awed but in control, ‘my Dom just made a reappearance in a big way. Something about you and this space makes me feel safe to let it out. How do you feel about that?’

That went straight to John’s cock; it was instantly as hard as the rest of his body was yielding.

‘Yes, Mer . . . yours. Whatever you want. _Anything._ ’

Mer made that pleased humming sound John loved so much, and stepped back, appraising John thoughtfully. 

‘Strip for me,’ he ordered, sending shivers through John. John stayed leaning against the strut, peeling himself out of his clothes. Mer watched, reaching and caressing here and there but mostly just heating John up with his gaze. John knew he was okay-looking in his clothes, but he was self-conscious about his scarred, hairy, too-slender body. Mer looked at it like it was the best thing he’d ever seen, though, and that made John a little high.

‘No talking,’ his lover added, and John fell a little further.

Mer pressed up close to John, his own clothes still intact, his erection pressing through the fabric of his pants. He kissed John again, taking possession of John’s mouth with his lips and tongue, while his hands ran over John’s body, pinching his nipples, carding through his ample body hair. John brought his hands up to un-tuck Mer’s T-shirt, but Mer grabbed him by the wrists and pushed his arms above his head.

‘Keep them there,’ Mer instructed, and John could feel Mer’s dominance turning him liquid. He didn’t move a muscle, just let Mer explore his body, first with his hands, then with his mouth.

‘Stay just like that. Don’t move,’ Mer said, giving John one more hard kiss, then leaving the room. 

John just waited, still as a statue. He was perfectly relaxed, entirely trusting that Mer would be back, entirely unconcerned about where Mer had gone. He could feel the strut pressing into his spine, against his ass. His arms above his head felt languid and heavy but not unpleasantly so. His cock remained as hard as it had been when Mer was pressed against him for the entire ten minutes Mer was gone.

When Mer came back into the room, he took a moment to drink John in.

‘Oh, you’re so good,’ he smiled, and John felt shyly pleased.

Mer came close and ran a hand appreciatively down the length of John’s hard-on.

‘How you stayed hard for me without moving I can’t imagine, and yet I can see you really haven’t moved a muscle.’

John didn’t want to speak without permission, so he just smiled. 

John had expected Mer to come back with toys or equipment, but his hands were empty. Noting his puzzled face, Mer clarified.

‘I could have bought toys, but I wanted it to be just you, me and our new, amazing bed.’

So where had Mer gone? This became apparent when he pulled a tube of lube out of his pocket.

‘Turn around, beautiful.’

John turned and draped himself over the curved strut, pushing his ass out towards Mer and his arms above his head once again.

‘Mmm, let’s rest those shoulders, drop them and clasp them in front of you, round the strut,’ John moved quicker than he ever had for any CO.

Mer lost no time in beginning to prep John, and John could tell despite the thorough job that Mer was impatient to be inside of him. Still, Mer made sure to tease at John’s prostate until he began to tremble and push back against Mer’s fingers.

‘You’re so ready for my cock,’ Mer said. ‘Up on the bed now, hands and knees.’ He slapped John’s ass playfully, and John realised just how much he missed this, and how much he wanted to play ever so much harder than they were playing now. But this was a start, he wasn’t going to push Mer, not when they were having this breakthrough.

Mer slipped out of his clothes and surveyed John and the bed for another long moment.

‘Hmmm, I think I have a plan,’ Mer said, getting up onto the bed, lying on his back, and lubing up his hard cock. ‘Come here and ride me.’

John didn’t need to be asked twice, he crawled across the bed until he was over Mer, and he grasped Mer’s cock and lowered himself onto it in one long, slow movement. It burned just the right amount to be perfection.

‘How’s the shoulder? You can answer,’ Mer asked.

‘It’s good. Ready for anything,’ John smirked.

‘In which case, see if you can reach that loop directly above your head without lifting off me.’ Mer instructed.

John reached for one of the canopy loops that was hanging a little lower than the others. Mer had carefully positioned himself so John was directly beneath it, but it was just out of reach. John wished for just a few inches of extra height. Suddenly he felt a light jolt, and the bed began to move, gliding upwards to close the distance. John gripped his hands tightly around the loop. 

_Fuck yeah._ A mind-controlled bed that can be adjusted to the perfect height for . . . John felt himself heat up at the images that flooded his mind. Being bent over the edge to be fucked, or having his head tilted back over the edge for throat-fucking, just for starters.

‘Mmm, the possibilities . . . but right now I want you to focus on this position. Think you can make it work? Is your shoulder up to pulling you up?’

John just nodded vigorously. He pulled up on the loop and slid up Mer’s shaft, sinking back down again with a mutual sigh. And then did it again, and again. Mer reached up and pinched his nipples hard. John shivered and squirmed a little on Mer’s cock. 

Mer began to fuck up into him, matching John’s rhythm, and suddenly they were just slamming against each other, hard and desperate. Mer’s face was perfectly focused on John, watching his expressions as he slowly came apart. He could feel his orgasm approaching fast, but he held it off, even as Mer began to stroke his cock and really tease him higher. It was perfect torture, Mer didn’t need to tell him not to come, he wasn’t about to do anything Mer didn’t tell him to do. The slap of their bodies together was making him frantic. The look on Mer’s face, so focused, so intent on their mutual pleasure, so in control, was making him high in a way he didn’t fully understand. He was shaking with pleasure, and from the effort to hold off his orgasm.

‘God, John, you’re so perfect like this. Hold on for just one minute more.’

Mer was kind enough to stop teasing his cock but went back to playing with John’s nipples with a vengeance, pinching and twisting them hard, sending shocks of pain and pleasure all the way through to his root. And that was when he really started to moan loudly, couldn’t hold it in any longer. John wasn’t used to being loud about anything, and his own response shook him.

‘Yes, that’s it, John, let go. Let it all out!’

John was moaning so loud he was almost sobbing. He desperately wanted to beg, but he wasn’t allowed to talk, and honestly when he was like this he could rarely form words. He looked into Mer’s eyes imploringly.

Mer wrapped one hand around John’s cock while the other held tight to his hip, accentuating the hard thrusts up inside of John. 

‘Come on John, come for me!’ 

John screamed. That was the only word for it, losing himself completely in the pulses of pleasure that washed through him. He kept a hold of the chains above his head and ground his body into Mer’s as the aftershocks rocked through him. Mer kept a hold of his dick, pumping it till he was wrung out.

He had missed this so much. 

Realising Mer had not come yet, John regathered his scattered wits and pulled himself up, sliding back down, looking into Mer’s eyes inquiringly.

‘Oh, I’m so not done with you yet,’ Mer said, and John’s cock actually gave a little jump at this. 

Mer sat himself up, wrapping his arms around John and kissing him hard and deep.

‘Wrap your legs round me, I want to feel you all around me,’ Mer said between hungry kisses, and John pulled himself up on the chains so that he could shift his legs around Mer, pulling hard against him with his heels.

‘Oh yes, feels so damn good to be this close. John, you bring out something in me I never felt before. I want you to be mine. I mean, not in creepy slave ownership way but . . .’

Except the word _slave_ had John’s cock making a valiant attempt at hardening between them. Mer just opened his eyes wide, looking at John. 

‘Wow, you _really_ like that idea, huh? I mean, I’m not into that for real, but we can play sometime . . . You want to be owned, John? Because honestly, I really want to make you mine in some way I don’t even know how to express . . .’

John just tipped his head to one side and bared his neck to Mer. Mer dove in, sucking and biting just above John’s collarbone, leaving his mark and then pressing his lips into it. All the while, their bodies were rocking together in a sweet, slow rhythm, having come back from the frantic brink they had been at before. Apparently, Mer was into his own orgasm denial more than John’s today.

‘I need to see what else this bed is good for,’ Mer said after they had driven each other crazy for what seemed like forever. ‘Lift off,’ he said, smacking John’s ass. John’s eyes widened with pleasure at this.

‘More?’ Mer asked. John nodded. ‘Okay, bend yourself over the bed, legs spread. Move the bed to chest height. 

John slid off Mer, leaning down to kiss him and then jumped up and positioned himself. He thought the bed into exactly the right position, so that his chest was perfectly supported by the soft, curiously silky surface. His arms were crossed above his head, his legs spread perfectly to accommodate Mer. 

‘So good,’ Mer said, sounding inordinately happy. ‘You’re so damn willing to do whatever I want.’

John squirmed, pressing his body into the bed. He didn’t just want to _submit_ in that moment, he wanted to explore the fantasy of being _owned._ He wasn’t sure why the idea was so hot even though the reality would be anything but. It was one of his oldest fantasies.

He felt Mer’s hands grasp his hips, tight enough to bruise, and Mer pulled John’s body backwards, so that he had no contact between his dick and the bed. Mer grabbed him, jerking him quickly and then letting go.

‘This gets attention when I say so,’ he said, and then he slapped John hard across the ass cheek.

Dammit, the fact that it felt like he was being told off just made that a million times hotter. John really wished he could understand all the crazy things that made him tick, but he just gave himself over to Mer’s hands, as Mer began to smack him, hard and fast, all over his backside and thighs until he was hot and tingling and squirming and moaning.

Then Mer just shoved back inside of him hard, grabbing his hips and thrusting in, taking his pleasure almost ruthlessly.

_Yes._

John moaned in response to Mer’s thrusts inside of him, pushing back into him, desperate for more, even as Mer filled him as deeply as John thought possible. Mer was beginning to lose his composure, groaning in time with his thrusts, getting a little ragged in his rhythm. He upped his speed, crashing into John’s prostate with a fierce pace. John could feel himself approaching another orgasm, and began to moan in counterpoint with Mer.

‘You’re a perfect sub, John,’ Mer ground out, his voice fevered, ‘ _my_ perfect sub! I want you to come when I do, can you do that?’

John nodded frantically, pushing back against Mer even harder. Mer slapped his ass hard.

‘Stay still and let me fuck you,’ he said. John whimpered and nearly came on the spot just from those words, but he held on, digging his hands into the bed. He stilled completely and just let Mer fuck him and fuck him, hard and relentless. He really wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out against this onslaught. His cries were beginning to sound a little frantic in his ears.

‘Yes, John, yes,’ Mer said through his groans, and then almost immediately he cried out and his hips stuttered against John, his cock pulsing inside John. John shook hard as his own orgasm hit, clenching around Mer’s cock and milking the last of his pleasure, while Mer reached for John and stroked him through his own climax.

Mer crawled onto the bed and collapsed, pulling John up into his arms and stroking his bearded face affectionately.

‘Welcome home, John,’ he said. ‘I think broke in our new bed.’

John reached for the streak of come on the mattress, running his fingers through it idly.

‘Mmmm,’ he grinned lazily.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Fuck, John, you’re like the best fantasy I ever had and then some'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: Thoroughly inappropriate behaviour for the workplace. Face-fucking, deep throating, breath play.
> 
> Cannon major character death reported and, apologies dear reader, I've made it worse by changing the timeline.

The next month it felt like Mer and John were barely home in their new place, least of all home together. Mer had found a way to start actively tracking the wraith, by sending out probes through the galaxy, with relays seeded at strategic points. So far, the now considerable Lantean and Traveller fleet had taken out two potential attacks, one on Hoff and one on Sateda. As yet neither planet had needed to be evacuated. 

Increasingly, the wraith were turning to hibernation as their food supply had more or less evaporated. The consensus among the humans was to eliminate the hibernation stations and any cloning labs they came upon. Although with little food left, the wraith seems more intent on killing each other than breeding. Where they could, they captured wraith and put them in stasis. They didn’t have the stomach for another genocide even if they had no idea what to do with the wraith they preserved.

In the end, that would be a decision for the indigenous people of Pegasus.

For all he was no longer military, John seemed to be spending a lot of time these days in battle. His strong ancient gene expression meant that his ability to accurately fire drones was almost always required. Mer set them up, John knocked them down. 

For once, the two of them were on the _Orion_ together, although they hadn’t had much downtime for days. They had just hunted down and destroyed a huge wraith facility and had almost been caught out by a trio of hives coming out of hyperspace at their position. The _Orion, Daedalus_ and two Traveller vessels had taken out the hives, but they were rattled – they hadn’t been prepared for an ambush and the probe had only picked up the closer wraith facility, not the approaching ships. Mer would need to go back to the drawing board.

The _Orion_ had taken some damage to her hyperdrive, and Mer was running a diagnostic. John sidled up to him, trying to catch his attention. 

‘You ever gonna take a break?’ John asked.

Mer looked up at him with a gaze that could melt ice. ‘Yeah. This is going to run for a while.’ He turned to his fellow engineer and said, ‘I’m taking fifteen minutes.’

John’s dick twitched, reading Mer’s intent loud and clear. They both sauntered out of engineering, trying to look casual, but Mer quickly pushed John into a side room and locked the door. He pushed John up against the wall, crushing his mouth in a kiss and barely letting him breathe. He pressed his body the length of John’s, pulling his shirt from his pants, reaching inside to run a hand up his ribs and tweak his nipples. His groin pressed against John’s, both of them fully hard already.

John’s hand wandered downwards to cup Mer’s erection through his pants. And suddenly that wasn’t enough, and he slid to his knees, pulling open Mer’s fly in a frenzy. Mer sighed ecstatically as John pulled his erection free and slid his mouth over it, running his tongue underneath the head and into the slit. 

John loved Mer’s cock. It felt heavy in his mouth and alive, twitching and responding to his ministrations. Mer seemed to love pretty much whatever John did to him, but John, of course, was a competitive guy, and he’d been practicing deep throating for some time now. Mer had called it a porn star gimmick, but John saw it as a way to take submission to an extreme he was inexorably drawn to. So, after licking and sucking on the head for a minute or so, he pushed himself forward, and swallowed Mer into his throat.

‘Fuck, John!’ Mer was trembling with the effort not to thrust as John came off him, then did it again, moving faster as he got used to the feel of Mer in his throat. He fondled Mer’s balls, stroked his perineum, knowing he was driving his partner crazy. But it still wasn’t enough for John. He knew what he really wanted; to act out another fantasy. It didn't matter how many times Mer told him this didn't much happen outside of porn, John _wanted_ it. He liked treating sex as an extreme sport and he liked the effect it had on Mer.

Looking up into his lover’s eyes with his mouth wrapped around Mer’s cock, he leaned his head back against the wall, then he put both his hands onto Mer’s butt cheeks and pulled him all the way down his throat. And then, still holding Mer’s gaze, he slowly and deliberately slid his hands behind his back.

‘Fuck, John, you’re like the best fantasy I ever had and then some,’ Mer said, cupping John’s bearded face as he pulled back. ‘You really want to do this? You really want me to fuck your mouth?’

John still had a mouthful of Mer’s cock, but he nodded enthusiastically and unambiguously.

‘Okay, pinch me or tap my thigh if you need me to stop. Got it?’

John nodded again, just wanting Mer to fucking _do it._ He pressed his head backwards and tilted his mouth to open his throat for Mer. Mer just pressed forward, all the way down, his pubes pressing against John’s lips, John’s airway blocked. Not that he cared, because this was Mer and he could trust this human even with his own breath.

Mer slid out, letting him breathe, looking down at him with amazed eyes. John just looked up at him with trust and patience, but there was a plea in his eyes all the same. Mer slid back in, hips bucking a little against John’s face, and he moaned, long and low, carding his hands through John’s hair and murmuring, ‘so good, so good John.’

John wanted Mer to lose it, so every time his lover pulled back, he tried every trick he knew with his tongue to drive Mer wild.

He wanted more. He just wasn’t sure that he was going to get it unless he clearly asked for it.

John wasn’t good at asking for things, but he tapped on Mer’s thigh and Mer pulled back, concerned.

‘Are you okay, John?’

‘Yes, more than okay. I . . . I want you to fuck me harder . . . Please?’

Mer groaned. ‘I’ve really never done anything good enough to deserve you,’ he said.

John pressed back against the wall again and Mer adjusted his stance, pressing one palm against the wall and leaning over John. The other hand slid over John’s head and tangled in his hair possessively. He slid back into John’s throat and it made John’s cock jump in totally new way. John moaned around the cock in his throat and felt Mer twitch in response. And that was when Mer seemed pushed to the very edge of his control and he started to fuck into John’s throat, hard and relentless, exactly what John needed from him.

He held John’s face into his groin, pumping into his throat without pulling back for long stretches, though not so long that John had any fear of running out of breath. John’s head was pressed between the wall and Mer’s groin, a hand heavy on his head, pulling on his hair. Mer’s cock, thick in his throat slid into him harder and faster. Mer was trying not to be too loud, but was utterly failing, his cut-off cries becoming increasingly vocal.

Thank God Ancient structures tended to be soundproof.

John could feel the approach of Mer’s orgasm in the stutter of his hips and the way his fingers clutched at John’s scalp. He was going to struggle to hold off his own orgasm, he was so hyped up by what they were doing, by the total loss of control and his complete trust in Mer. He was moaning around Mer’s cock as frantically and desperately as Mer was. Mer slid his leg forward, pressing it between John’s legs, and John nearly lost it, his moan turning into a loud whine.

‘God, John, yes, you can come when I do.’ His hand tightened on John’s head and his hips stuttered hard as his cock pulsed down John’s throat. John thrust himself against Mer’s leg and came instantly with a loud moan. 

Mer pulled back, looking down at John and stroking his head. John slowly, carefully and deliberately licked Mer clean, looking up at him the whole time. Mer had a look of transfixed amazement on his face.

‘I swear, John, keep doing that a minute longer and I’ll have to turn you round and fuck you hard against this wall. And since I don’t have the lube . . .’

If Mer thought that was going to make John stop, he had another thing coming. But Mer gently pulled away from him and pulled him to his feet. John winced at the sticky feeling in his underwear, grabbing a hanky out of his pocket and cleaning up as best he could. Miraculously, the stain had not come through to his pants.

He looked at his watch. Thirteen minutes. He slid back up Mer’s body and gave him a long kiss with lots of tongue. 

‘I guess we have to get back to work,’ he said, only then realising that his voice has been roughened by the throat fucking. ‘Hmm, I think I’m going to have to avoid talking to people for the rest of the day.’ He grinned.

***

Mer fixed the hyperdrive quite quickly after that and the _Orion_ sped back to Atlantis. But when John radioed the control room, something didn’t sound right. Elizabeth came to meet them when their jumper landed.

‘Elizabeth, what is it?’ John sensed something really bad.

‘I’m so sorry, there’s . . . been an accident. It’s Carson.’


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mer, Ronon and John grieve for Carson and John kinda hates his replacement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for grieving, brief mention of impact play, jealousy

Morag Beckett was a tiny, fluttering bird of a woman, who twittered away anxiously to John, Mer and Ronon when they visited. She fed them a dense, dry fruit cake and some horrible cookies that she insisted on calling biscuits. Later, Mer more accurately described them as _cram_ from _The Hobbit,_ and John was nerd enough to laugh at this, although more from relief than real mirth. 

Watching his lover in so much pain was devastating. He hadn’t really bonded with Carson himself, but the man had saved his life enough times for John to feel his own grief. But it had nothing on Mer’s . . . or Ronon’s, for that matter.

Mrs Beckett was clearly torn up from the loss, having found out a week previously. Mer, John and Ronon had accompanied Carson’s casket on the long flight to a grey and rainy village near Stirling, Scotland, while Teyla, Dr Cole and Lorne returned through the gate to their duties after bearing Carson through. The funeral was tomorrow, but now the three men were paying their respects to this anxiously chatting but dry-eyed woman and her silent husband, who lurked in a wing-backed chair by the unlit fire. Her eyes were red-rimmed, lost, but she chatted on as if it was a sin to let her feelings show.

John did most of the talking, telling highly redacted tales of how Carson had saved each of their lives, watching her puzzlement about just what they had been doing on this secret Antarctic research station with a big military contingent that was so damn dangerous. Their cover story was bullshit, and they all knew it, but there were more important things to care about.

Like how Mer had lost one of his closest friends and another of his scientists because of the actions of people under his leadership. It was a miracle nobody else had been hurt, but this was enough. Losing Carson rocked him like nothing else had.

‘He talked about you,’ Mer said at last. ‘I know he wished he could get home more. He always talked about bringing me to meet you. I lost my mother a few years back, and . . . well, we didn’t have what you had . . .’ 

The woman put her hand up to her aged face and brushed sudden tears out of her blue eyes.

‘Oh god, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said . . .’ Mer looked stricken at her tears.

‘No, dearie, it’s okay, it’s okay,’ the woman said with a hiccup. ‘He was a good boy.’

That night, Mer wanted John to take his belt to him, hard and unrelenting, and John just wanted to cuddle his lover, but did as he was asked. It didn’t end in sex; it ended in Mer breaking into pieces all over John and sobbing for hours in his arms. Then, at 3 am, there was a knock at the door, and Ronon crawled into bed with them.

Carson was the man who gave Ronon back his life. They didn’t need to say anything, just put Ronon between them and held onto him. John would never understand how Ronon bore the losses he’d been through, but he took the tears over Carson as a good sign.

The following day was the funeral. It rained and rained until they were chilled all the way through.

*** 

There were many things about Jennifer Keller that John disliked. One being that she wasn’t Carson, and despite the fact that John kept telling himself other’s grief was greater than his own, he was still having a hard time with the loss. Maybe because of that, he sometimes thought – he didn’t always give himself the right to his own feelings, brushing them aside for the sake of Mer’s.

Keller was also just annoyingly perky, with this faux naivety and pretend wholesomeness that grated on John. Underneath it, she had a single-minded determination to have things, and people, her way.

‘So, are you coming to the movie tonight?’ Aiden asked Keller over dinner in the mess. She’d come and sat with AR-1 and it pissed John off for no particularly good reason. The poor Captain was all gooey for Keller and though it was pretty clear something had happened between them, it was also clear Keller didn’t reciprocate his feelings. John was sure she was sleeping with Ronon too – something about the way the two of them interacted, although it was subtle.

Maybe there was a _little_ jealousy there . . . the way she’d just reached for Ronon and taken what she wanted.

But the thing he disliked most was the way she flirted with Mer, and that didn’t make him feel good about himself at all. 

‘Are _you_ going?’ Keller looked at Mer with a cute look on her face, tucking her hair behind her ear as she did so. John found himself seething at her obviousness, and without thinking it through, he grabbed possessively for Mer’s hand.

‘Yeah, we’re going,’ he said pointedly. Mer frowned at him, but said nothing, leaving his own hand limp in John’s grasp.

John felt like a complete dick. He was used to jealous feelings and managing them, but something about Jennifer put him on edge. Yes, his partner was sleeping with other people and might well sleep with Keller. He understood and accepted that, much of the time even appreciating the balance it gave to their relationship. But this was the first time he’d had a sense of having a rival. He didn’t like it, least of all the petty, foolish thoughts that ran through his brain whenever she was around, or the way he possessively touched Mer in her presence.

‘Perhaps you’d like to piss on me to mark your territory, Sheppard,’ Mer sighed as they walked home.

‘I’m sorry,’ John felt ridiculous. ‘She brings something out in me . . .’

‘I can’t think why, what with the obvious flirting with me _right in front of you_ and the ignoring you as if you’re just an object in her way.’ They stepped into the transporter together and Mer pressed for their tower.

‘Oh, you . . . noticed that, huh?’

‘Jesus, I know I’m autistic but I’d have to be in a coma not to.’ Mer’s voice was tight and weary, John couldn’t quite read him.

‘So, are you going to . . .’ he probed, as he stepped out of the transporter.

‘Am I going to sleep with a woman who treats my partner with such obvious disrespect?’ Mer’s eyes flashed with anger. ‘You tell me, John.’ He stepped back into the transporter and was gone before John had a chance to say another word.

_Shit._

He went back to their apartment, mulling things over. He wondered where Mer had gone, if it was to one of his other lovers, and he realised Mer would never do something like that – go to someone else in the middle of conflict with John. He’d never intentionally do anything to make John feel insecure or uncomfortable.

Of course he wouldn’t fucking sleep with Keller.

Ten minutes later, Mer slipped in their door.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t use words to ask for time out, I could feel myself wanting to blow up.’ Mer said, looking sheepish. ‘I feel like I don’t quite have a full handle on my emotions lately. Maybe because of . . .’ It didn’t need to be said, and anyway John wasn’t going to let Mer take responsibility for his fuck up.

‘Don’t blame you,’ John said, ‘I was an ass.’

‘Yes, true.’ Mer conceded, ‘but do you know _why_ you were an ass?’

‘Because it isn’t about Keller. It’s about trusting you. And I do, I just . . . lost track for a moment.’

‘I’m not into games to make you insecure, John. I’m not into gaining control by leaving you hanging or feeling abandoned. I know I withdrew after Asuras and I can see that’s stirred up some issues for you, but I’m committed to making you feel safe again.’

John’s heart clenched at this acknowledgment. He’d been trying to talk to Heightmeyer about his abandonment stuff and all it had done was make it bigger and scarier. He hung his head, not knowing what to say to Mer. Mer saw his distress and pulled him into a tight hug.

‘You have me, don’t you get that? What do I have to do to make you trust that this is real?’

Wasn’t that the question? But John had no answer.

‘Maybe you should make more effort to see other people,’ Mer said, and John stiffened. ‘Hear me out . . . this isn’t about something I want, I just wonder if it would bring . . . balance, I guess? Make you feel more secure, maybe . . . I mean if I wasn’t your only . . .’

John really didn’t know what to say to that. He wanted the opposite, wanted . . . to be completely possessed by Mer. He was pretty sure that wasn’t healthy, though.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘So tell me about a fantasy,’ Mer said one morning as John lounged naked on their bed, working up the energy to make a move on him.
> 
> ‘Being an object. Being owned. Being used. I don’t know why . . .’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: D/s exploration, fantasy role-play , mild humiliation, consensual objectification, bondage, gag - all safe, sane and consensual

‘So tell me about a fantasy,’ Mer said one morning as John lounged naked on their bed, working up the energy to make a move on him.

‘Being an object. Being owned. Being used. I don’t know why . . .’ John had thought about this a lot, because objectively he knew that all the things he was fantasising about were pretty appalling ways to treat people, and he knew from Mer’s experiences just how much damage can be done when you abuse your power over someone else. It didn’t change the things that made his dick jump, though, nor his growing desire to explore these kinks.

‘I know you want to play with the master/slave thing, and I’m still mulling that over. I have feelings about white people playing around with that word for kicks, given the history. And I need to have a handle on my own part in it. But I’m open to a bit of briefer role play around your fantasy. A short scene where I treat you like my possession, available for my use. Is that what you want?’ 

John felt like shit about the fact that the very thing that had just made his dick fully hard may have made Mer uncomfortable.

‘We don’t have to do this, Mer, or anything like this.’

‘Hey, just because I’m struggling with making sure it’s safe and ethical and thought through, doesn’t mean I don’t also think it’s hot as hell.’ Mer said. ‘There’s a reason these fantasies exist. And there’s nothing wrong with them, as long as nobody gets hurt. Hell, I worked through a lot of my Andrew issues by putting myself in some fairly extreme and vulnerable roleplay with people I trust. You name it, I’ve tried it. But we need to be careful John, because often there’s things lurking underneath our desires, and we have to be prepared to deal with whatever comes up.’

‘I mean, it’s pretty murky in my brain right now, and maybe we are playing with fire, but I feel like I have to explore this or I will never understand,’ John admitted.

‘I get that,’ Mer said, ‘but I just want to qualify something . . . I need you to feel good about what we do, and not just sexually. If it’s hot in the moment but then you feel bad about it afterwards, I’m not okay with it, I won’t do it again. That doesn’t count as good sex as far as I’m concerned.’

John just nodded. He’d _never_ felt like that with Mer, but he had in the past, with women.

‘So tell me a scene you really like, something that will only last an hour, so we can keep it contained and have plenty of time to work through any aftermath.’

‘You’re thinking of doing this now?’

‘Tomorrow, on our day off, if you like. It seems like we should take advantage of it, give plenty of time to debrief if we need it.’

‘Mer, you know all my fantasies. Kind of the point of this is to give up control. I really can’t tell you what to do. Look in my book, pick the things I said I’m okay with. But above all, do what you want to do with me. I . . . want that. Badly.’

The next day, they lounged around in bed making out, and Mer showed no signs of starting the scene. John’s mind was running through scenarios and getting more and more frustrated. 

Of course Mer hadn’t been content with John’s “do whatever you want” and had, the previous evening, presented John with a comprehensive checklist of things John had at one time or another talked favourably about. Just reading the list had got John worked up, a fact that Mer had pointedly ignored. 

John, of course, had ticked every box and handed it back to Mer, because _of course_ Mer wouldn’t write anything down that John wouldn’t like. Mer had looked at all the ticks, looked at John, and rolled his eyes. Then he’d pulled John into a snuggle and completely ignored his erection. Just like he was doing now, the bastard.

In the end, John summoned up the courage to ask,

‘Mer, are we going to play today?’

Mer took a breath, and John couldn’t tell if it was relief or apprehension.

‘Okay. Go get in the shower and get yourself clean. Take your time, and when you’re ready to do this, I want you to get on your knees and wait by me. But John, if you have even the slightest doubts, don’t do this.’

‘Likewise – Mer, are you sure about this?’

‘Believe it or not, very sure.’ He kissed John, long and hard, and John realised Mer was as aroused as he was himself.

John showered in a state of almost incandescent excitement. He didn’t know what was better, that Mer would do this for him just because John wanted it, that he would have Mer’s focus on him, that he could let himself explore a fantasy with someone he trusted, or that he was about to be treated like a fucktoy and almost certainly love it. He took his time, trimming his beard after getting out of the shower, and looking at himself quizzically for a bit, wondering if the guy looking back at him, about to go down on his knees, was still John Sheppard.

He walked out of the bathroom entirely naked, to find the bedroom empty. He went through to the study. Mer was at the table he used as a desk, working on the laptop. There was a pillow on the floor right next to him. John walked over and sank slowly to his knees, not looking at Mer, just dropping his eyes and waiting. He had absolutely no idea why that felt so good, but both his heart and his dick seemed entirely pleased with the situation.

He heard a sharp intake of breath and then, ‘God, that’s . . .’

And then there was silence. John had the strangest sensation as the minutes ticked away that he was sinking through the floor. It wasn’t a bad feeling, just weird. He knew that Mer would take care of him, and wasn’t that the kicker? He didn’t really want to be treated badly at all, he wanted attention and love, just packaged in a slightly unusual way. 

Suddenly he felt a hand grasp his chin firmly and tilt it up.

‘Look at me.’ He raised his eyes to Mer’s and saw something very complicated there. There was a hardness in the look that gave him good shivers, but the love hadn’t gone away, it was just lurking in the back. ‘I set a timer the moment you dropped to your knees. For the next hour, you’re mine to do with as I please. Hold out your hand.’ He placed one of those meditation balls that rings when you shake it into John’s hand. 

‘Shake it or drop it if you need to safeword. And let me be clear, if you don’t safeword and you’re distressed or upset or in trouble, we are going to have words. I’m not fucking around here.’

John nodded. He didn’t really know how he would safeword if he got into trouble because he could already feel the need to give himself over to the extent that he would simply let anything happen to him. He didn’t know why Mer brought this out in him, but he was certain that if anyone was deserving of this level of trust it was Mer.

Mer went to his trunk and fished a few things out, bringing them over. 

Mer picked something up, closing his hands around it.

‘I’m not going to use this for its intended purpose,’ he said, ‘I didn’t buy it for that, but you can’t get a ball gag for love nor money in the Pegasus Galaxy, and this has more or less the right dimensions to do the job. Plus, I think I’ll like the way it looks on you.’ He showed John the gag and John’s eyes widened as his dick jumped. The mouthpiece of the gag looked like a very short, wide section of pipe, made out of something rubbery. John really wanted to try it out for its intended purpose sometime.

‘Oh god, you really don’t want to try it.’ Mer said, reading his look. ‘I did it once from the sub end – seriously messy, very humiliating.’

John’s cock carefully explained that it didn’t care and it wanted to try it please. Mer looked at John’s rapidly growing erection and shook his head. ‘Seriously, what am I going to do with you?’

John just opened his mouth for the gag, and Mer fitted it. The stretch of it in his mouth was equal parts disconcerting and comforting. Next, Mer blindfolded him, and then tied his wrists at his back. John could feel himself sinking further down into submissive headspace.

Then, Mer put a cock ring on him, the tighter one that wasn’t going to let him come at all.

‘Stand up,’ he said, and John got to his feet, swaying a little. Mer did something nearby that John couldn’t make out, and then grabbed John from behind by the biceps, his body pressed against John’s back. Without explaining what he was doing, he manoeuvred John a few feet across the floor, and pushed him down, face first onto his desk.

 _Oh, yeah._ Mer couldn’t have escaped noticing how John had a big kink for being bent over the furniture and taken hard.

Mer fetched one of his big leather straps, like a long belt, and ran it under the desk and around John’s upper body, pressing a hand down in the middle of his back while he tightened the strap efficiently, pinning him down firmly. John turned his head to one side and tried, but failed, to get comfortable on the hard surface. The discomfort, though, was just another turn-on. 

Then, Mer used a pair of thigh cuffs to spread John’s legs and anchor them to the desk legs so he was splayed obscenely.

‘I’m not going to tell you what’s happening or what’s going to happen. Right now, you’re just here for my use.’

 _God._ That was exactly it. Genius. It wasn’t lost on John that another level of Mer was saying, _“you’re that special to me that I’ll do anything you want.’’_

John felt a lubed finger in his ass and he was prepped thoroughly but perfunctorily, with no effort to give him any pleasure. When Mer was done, he just shoved in hard, so he was balls deep within seconds. They were fucking regularly enough for John to be able to take it, but it was uncomfortable.

And that’s what made it so damn good.

Mer quickly pulled out and slammed back in, pumping away as if using John’s body to jerk himself off.

‘Damn, that feels good,’ Mer said as if to himself.

John realised Mer’s hands weren’t touching him anywhere. He must be holding onto the desk, which was shuddering under his thrusts. The only place they were touching was where he was being ruthlessly fucked. Mer was using John’s body to get off, exactly as he’d fantasised, treating him just like a convenient hole. Why on earth should it feel so good? The cock ramming into him was undoing him but only in good ways. It was like he was melting away, dissolving until all that was left was the pleasure Mer was taking from him and the pleasure it gave John to be used.

It didn’t seem like Mer was going to last long, and John wondered what would happen afterwards until he remembered he was little more than furniture and furniture doesn’t get to wonder what will happen to it. Mer was speeding up, and muttering to himself, ‘God, so good, so good,’ and John took the praise even if it was oblique. Mer was ramming into him now and the table legs were scraping the floor as he thrust. John’s ass was going to be sore tomorrow, at least he hoped so. Mer was moaning, taking his pleasure just the way John wanted him to, fucking him hard and relentlessly. The moans reached a crescendo and then Mer was bucking into him, shooting his seed deep inside, and John sank a little further down, feeling a strange sense of blissful contentment.

He felt Mer pull out, and one of their larger plugs immediately take his place. It felt good to stay full. The plug was pressing on his prostate, his dick hung hard and heavy between his legs and he was more turned on than he thought possible.

John felt his tied arms being untied, rearranged and re-tied wrist to elbow. Then he felt a heavy object being rested on his lower back, and a chair pull up between his spread legs. Mer’s knees brushed his hanging cock accidentally as he settled into position, and then he opened his laptop and began to type.

John nearly laughed. Trust Mer to fulfil the brief to perfection, treating him exactly like a piece of furniture, but also managing to keep touching him. Plus, his workaholic lover would get some work done on his day off. Fucking genius. God, he loved this guy a little too much. He let himself drift away happily to the sound and vibration of clicking keys and the feel of his lover nestled between his legs. It was exactly as sexually frustrating as he wanted it to be.

Sometime later, he realised the sound of keys had stopped and had been replaced by the unmistakable sound of a hand stroking a cock. His own cock jumped hopefully. Sure enough, a couple of minutes later, he felt the plug being pulled from his body and replaced, oh so slowly this time, with Mer’s cock.

‘Oh, yes. So nice.’ Mer sank into him and just held there, so that John could feel his balls hanging against John’s perineum, the tickle of his pubic hair on John’s ass. He seemed to be in no hurry this time, just started slowly working himself in and out, and went on like that for what seemed like an age.

In John’s fantasies, he would be in exactly this position, only multiple men would take him, using him just like this, coming inside him and then leaving him for the next person. He imagined being messy from their come and stretched wide open.

‘I should put an email out to the entire base, inviting every guy to come have a go at fucking this ass, since I own it.’

A flood of heat washed through John at these words. _Fucking mind reader_. Mer had read all his secret fantasies now. And that was a big one. He almost wished Mer would do it. He suspected that if Mer was the kind of person to spring something on him whilst in headspace, that he would actually go along with it, not safe word. Not that Mer would ever do something like that, he thought, almost regretfully. Even the slightly humiliating talk had been pre-negotiated. John wasn’t sure why he liked it so much, but it exposed his shame and burned it away.

Mer’s dick was still sliding in and out of him, hitting his prostate only every once in a while and driving him crazy.

‘I suspect that the big problem I’m going to have here is that when you’re like this you really can’t be fucked enough. And I don’t know how I actually feel about bringing in others to help me with the job. Not that it wouldn’t be hot as hell to watch.’ Mer mused.

John had tried to be quiet, but he moaned around the gag at this. Mer was pushing his buttons hard and he loved it.

‘I know you’re open to double penetration with objects, though we haven’t tried it yet. I wonder how you feel about having two cocks inside you?’

John moaned even louder. Fuck that was a hot thought. He felt Mer pull out of him, slip a lubed finger into his ass, and then slowly press back in.

Oh, fuck. That burned but felt so good. Mer alternated working John’s hole with his finger and fucking into him with his dick. It was tight, and intense and it was driving John out of his mind.

Then he dripped more lube onto John’s ass and a second finger slid into him. Okay, that hurt; it was almost too much and John was breathing heavily. Mer didn’t move anything, just waited for him to relax into the penetration.

‘Just relax, you can take this because I want you to and you belong to me.’

That was the fucking magic word that opened John up and let Mer slip deeper inside his suddenly more relaxed body.

‘That’s it. So good, so very good. He pressed his 2 fingers deeply into John, and then found John’s prostate with his fingers whilst thrusting hard into him with his dick. John moaned loudly around the gag and tried to push back against Mer. He felt wild with it, like there was nothing in the world but existing to be fucked by Mer however Mer damn well pleased. The fingers on his prostate, the thrusts into his increasingly sore ass were brutal perfection. It was painful, not being able to come with so much stimulation but it wasn’t his job to come it was his job to take whatever Mer dished out and that in itself was sheer fucking heaven.

_I’d let you do anything to me. I’m yours._

‘God!’ Mer cried out, coming suddenly and without warning, slamming hard into John’s ass, pressing those fingers against John’s prostate. He continued to massage his fingers inside John as his dick softened, and John was beginning to feel like Mer was being unnecessarily cruel because if he didn’t come soon he might explode.

And then he heard the _beep beep beep_ of an alarm and he realised with a sense of loss that the hour was up and the scene was over. With which Mer reached round and took off the cock ring.

‘You can come, John,’ he said, thrusting in his fingers and jerking John’s cock just once before he came so hard the table shook under him. His moans filled the room, and Mer was stroking his hair, and murmuring to him, ‘so good, so perfect.’

Mer somewhat reluctantly pulled his fingers out of John’s ass and freed him of his bindings, blindfold and gag. He massaged John’s arms where he’d been bound, cleaned him up with a washcloth, and manoeuvred him into their bed. Settling him in under the covers, Mer pulled him close. John was floating like someone who hadn’t slept for a week or had just done a parachute jump. Everything felt weird and unreal, but good. Mer made him feel incredible, it seemed like there was nothing John could ask that Mer wouldn’t make work. He loved this human stupid.

 _Oh, and here comes the crying_ , John thought as his cheeks became wet. He ducked his head down, hoping Mer wouldn’t see, not having the words to explain that this was nothing bad.

But Mer just lifted John’s head and wiped the tears and kissed him softly.’ It’s okay, John. You don’t have to hide your tears from me, whatever they mean.’ And then he pulled John close and snuggled down under the duvet and the two of them drifted until the sun was halfway round the sky.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘When are you going to be done thinking about it and just let it happen, Sheppard?’ Ronon gave him a frank look and something in John just melted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: Non-monogamy negotiations, John having dysphoric feelings about Teyla's pregnancy

‘So who’s that with Weir?’ John asked Ronon.

They were in the park, warming down from their run. Ronon’s skin glistened with a light sweat that made John want to lick it away. The looks the man gave John said he damn well knew it, too. Two years of this, and nothing had changed. 

They were at the edge of the new park and Weir was sitting across the way, next to a youngish bearded guy – kind of cute, a bit burly. She was laughing in a girlish way.

‘Mike Branton. Software engineer. Great guy. She’s chosen well.’ Ronon said with a surprisingly earnest expression on his face. ‘Also . . . good in bed,’ Ronon added casually, as if talking about the weather.

John put aside that information to focus on Weir, although at some point he wanted to take out all the pieces of the puzzle that was Ronon’s attitude to relationships. There was something compellingly straightforward about the way his friend went about his liaisons, something John was as drawn to now as he had been for the two years Ronon had been in his life. John was pretty sure Ronon was aromantic, but he treated his sexual partners with loyalty and respect. It ground John’s gears a little that one of those partners currently was Jennifer Keller. He still didn’t like the woman, even though she’d stopped hitting on Mer. But he specifically didn’t like her being with Ronon, and he knew there was a touch of jealousy there.

Okay, so much for focussing on Elizabeth. He watched her laughing at Mike – the way her face glowed in his presence and John felt happy for her. He’d always had a complicated relationship with Weir, but he was more well disposed toward her since the Pegasus power-share began. 

‘She’s changed . . . since Teyla’s been leading with her, she’s softened,’ John observed.

‘Yeah . . . think she used to feel it was all on her shoulders – head of a colony in a hostile galaxy,’ Ronon said, ‘now maybe she knows she has to be a part of this galaxy, and she’s not alone.’

‘I think I like her better this way,’ John said.

‘Me too,’ Ronon said sincerely, but John caught a glint in the man’s eyes that gave something away.

Wow. Weir too? Their lost runner wasn’t so lost anymore, huh? It made John start to rethink his own position regarding Ronon – the chemistry between them was as strong as ever, and perhaps the power imbalance had shifted now. If anything, John felt that he was the vulnerable one here – not that he couldn’t trust Ronon with that vulnerability.

‘When are you going to be done thinking about it and just let it happen, Sheppard?’ Ronon gave him a frank look and something in John just melted.

‘Now?’ he said, holding Ronon’s gaze steadily.

Ronon grinned. ‘Come on, then,’ he took John’s hand and led him into a secluded part of the park. The botanists had gone out of their way to create bowers and alcoves and secluded spots in the labyrinthine gardens. As soon as they were out of sight, Ronon pressed John up against a tree, and John turned semi-liquid. He reached up, tangling his fingers in the other man’s short, neat braids and tugged him into a kiss that was eagerly returned.

***

John walked into the team movie night with butterflies in his stomach. Since he and Ronon had become lovers, Mer had surprised him. They’d talked, of course, but Mer had been oddly protective of John and Ronon’s space, allowing the two of them to have time together to work out whatever it was they wanted from each other. John really didn’t know what it was between them, it seemed like a natural extension of their existing bond of friendship – not trivial in a friends-with-benefits kind of way, but not romantic. 

John had imagined Mer being included at some point in what they had. He knew Mer was interested in Ronon too and was surprised to find Mer offering the two of them so much space and privacy. He and Mer talked about it, of course, and Mer talked to Ronon as well, but it seemed like Mer was being careful of the emerging relationship between him and Ronon in a way that John found sweet and surprising.

This would be the first time that they had socialised as a team outside the mess, and that’s why John was nervous. He suddenly didn’t know how to be around both men at the same time. When he entered the room, Mer and Ronon were sitting close together on the couch, deep in conversation. Looking up at John, the two of them smiled, and both as one moved apart by enough to allow John to sit between them. It was as if they knew John would be feeling awkward. 

He sat down, giving them both grateful looks, and two hands briefly squeezed his. Then the three of them relaxed back to watch the film.

It was Ford’s pick this time, and it was utterly mindless. The young captain could be relied upon to choose empty tales that nevertheless entertained them all enough in the moment. By the end of the film, though, Teyla had fallen asleep, slumped against Aiden. John knew the two of them had an occasional thing and wondered if it was still going on.

He really did have the sluttiest gate team in two galaxies, he reflected, with a feeling of pride. He supposed the constant threat of death made people reach for sex – Earthers and Pegasuns alike. Pegasuns were generally more sexually liberated, and the expedition had taken a _when in Rome_ approach right from the start.

He looked at Teyla and realised that her tiredness wasn’t just out of boredom. She’d been off her game recently, distracted and easily fatigued. A flash of worry run through him as he pondered whether there was more to this than met the eye.

After the film, he got up and crossed to Teyla, kneeling on the floor beside her and waking her gently.

‘I’m worried about you. Something’s off,’ he said, brushing her hair back from her face.

‘I am fine,’ she said firmly. But then something in her seemed to sag. ‘If you must know, I am carrying a child.’

John felt like somebody had taken all the air out of the room. ‘You’re what?’ He could hear anger in his voice and wondered where it came from. ‘How long have you known?’

‘A while,’ Teyla said simply.

John looked quizzically at Aidan, who was grinning and had his arm tight around her.

‘Whoa, no . . . barking up the wrong tree, Sheppard,’ Aidan said, still smiling.

‘Kanaan’s the father,’ Ronon observed, coming over and kissing Teyla. 

‘Yes,’ she said. John knew Kanaan – he wasn’t good enough for Teyla, but then he doubted anyone would be.

Mer bounded up looking ridiculously excited and hugged his friend and team-mate. ‘This is so awesome! We’re going to be uncles!’

But John just felt . . . he searched his heart. There was fear there for the baby, he could feel a desire to protect it that made him want to be controlling, tell Teyla what she could and couldn’t do. But there was something else he was having more difficulty with. As the rest of his team chattered excitedly about the prospect of new life in Atlantis, John fell silent, trying to chase down the source of his anger.

When he finally realised, it was quite a shock.

Shit. He was _jealous_. And not of Kanaan. Of Teyla. 

Fuck, that was a revelation. Like a tiny little bubble of gender dysphoria inside of him. He’d never had any desire to be a woman, but this feeling of wishing he could give birth was so strong it nearly knocked him off his feet. It seemed to have come out of nowhere, although now he thought about it, he’d always been uncomfortable around pregnant people. 

There was nothing to be done. He just let himself feel it, breathing through the wash of grief he felt that this could never be him.

He took Teyla’s hand and kissed her cheek.

‘I’m really happy for you, Teyla. This is gonna be the luckiest kid in the galaxy to have you as a mother.’

‘Thank you, John. I’m very excited to be bringing new Athosian life into the world, although to be perfectly honest with you, pregnancy is not the most enjoyable experience.’

This statement just stirred John’s jealousy and resentment even more, but he let it be.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Okay,’ Mer said at last, ‘so this is how it’s going to be. From the moment you wake up tomorrow, till the moment you wake up the day after, I own you, and you do everything I tell you in complete silence.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for moderately heavy D/s scene involving ownership role-play, bondage, chains, collar, face-fucking, possessiveness, objectification, potential humiliation, plug, cock cage. All negotiated, safe, sane and consensual
> 
> Apologies for not posting for a few days - I'm posting 3 today to make up for it! The chapters go together anyways.

‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ Mer asked for probably the thousandth time. John loved the look he had on his face right now though – his earnest, never-leave-anything-to-chance, attention-to-detail face. It was this very thing about Mer that made John so completely able to trust him and let go.

He had really never had that before in his own life – a thought that carried with it a twinge of sadness.

‘Mer, stop asking me. My answer’s not gonna change.’

Mer finally seemed to relax, and John could see, at last, signs of arousal in him at the plan.

‘Okay,’ Mer said at last, ‘so this is how it’s going to be. From the moment you wake up tomorrow, till the moment you wake up the day after, I own you, and you do everything I tell you in complete silence.’ 

Just that was enough to get John hard. 

Mer had set an alarm for 7 am. They ostensibly had the day off but were planning some time in their respective offices to do paperwork. Which, of course, was really a pretext to play out certain fantasies.

John woke quickly, his mind and body buzzing with anticipation, turning off the alarm and slipping out of their huge Ancient bed. He went to his knees as close to Mer’s dozing form as he could and awaited instructions. He was naked, and had long since stopped feeling self-conscious around Mer.

‘Oh, that’s good.’ Mer said, as he came to and saw John kneeling, ‘you’re so good.’ He reached out and ran his fingers through John’s hair. ‘Now what am I going to do with you? Hmmm, I think you can just stay there for a bit and think, while I catch a little more sleep . . .’ 

Part of John wanted to whine for attention, which, okay, was surprising from someone as normally self-contained as he was. The other part of him relished being left on his knees, watching his Dom sleep. It made his head spin how much he wanted this, but he really, really did.

He felt peaceful. He wasn’t anxious he’d be forgotten, or worried about what was going to happen. His knees weren’t that comfortable, because of course he hadn’t allowed himself to get a pillow (Mer would never have put him on his knees without one) but even that helped him get into the right headspace. Mer had told him to think, but really what he needed was to not think, for the next 24 hours that brilliant brain was going to do all the thinking for him. He was beginning to get hard thinking about being totally under Mer’s control.

Sure enough, because Mer never left anything to chance, at 7.20 a second alarm went off, and Mer lazily opened his eyes and smiled at John. 

‘You have 15 minutes to get yourself together. I want you cleansed, prepped, very well lubed and kneeling back here before your time is up. And no jerking off in the shower.’ He reached out and grabbed John’s cock, casually fondling it, as if John wasn’t already having trouble keeping it under control. ‘This belongs to me. Understand?’

John just nodded, mutely, the inability to speak helping him get into the submissive headspace he needed.

Just as ordered (and oh, the thought of that made him shiver deliciously) John was clean, prepped and kneeling, this time on a pillow Mer had put out ready for him, well within the 15 minutes. He spread his legs deliberately provocatively and lowered his gaze.

Mer stood next to him and carded his hands through John’s hair. John resisted the urge to rub his bearded cheek against Mer like a cat. Mer was dressed in faded jeans and a long, grey, clingy T-shirt with a low neckline. It showed off his abs and broad, well-muscled upper body. There was a bit of eyeliner framing his blue eyes. He was the perfect picture of sexy androgyny. 

‘I think you need some accessories. These are staying on all day – you can wear one of those long-sleeve, zip-neck tees of yours and an overshirt to cover.’

Mer fastened snug leather cuffs at John’s wrists, upper arms, thighs and ankles, and John sank into headspace a little more. But then Mer produced an item John had never worn before. His eyes widened when he saw it, and his heart rate increased.

‘If we’re going to do this, may as well do it properly,’ Mer said, fastening the black, heavy collar around John’s neck. Although in the end Mer had balked at calling John _slave_ , feeling owned was a big part of this fantasy for John. Mer let his hand rest on John’s pulse point for a moment, and John could feel himself melting. Mer leaned down and gave John a bruising kiss.

‘God, I like that on you a little too much. I’m tempted to keep you in it forever.’

 _Yes, that, please . . ._ John knew Mer was role-playing, but right now the thought of permanently letting go of all control was too seductive to resist.

‘Like that idea, huh?’ Mer said thoughtfully. John didn’t even respond with a nod – what he thought about anything wasn’t important today. This was all part of letting go for him. Mer stood silent for a moment, petting John’s hair and looking at him pensively.

‘I want to fuck you before I put the cage on you,’ Mer said eventually, ‘but you’re not allowed to come. I don’t plan to let you come at all today. Once the cage is on, it isn’t coming off.’ John felt his rising excitement at the thought – who knew being denied could be so fucking sexy?

John knew this was a test of obedience. He was right on the edge already and being fucked without the cage was going to be difficult, to say the least. 

‘Up on the bed, on your back, knees up, ass at the edge.’

John slunk onto their huge circular bed. He found that Mer had been busy while he was in the shower. A web of chains had been fastened taut across the surface of the bed, so that one of them conveniently spanned just where John would be putting his neck. Other chains trailed down from the canopy (they had soon found the loops of chain that hung down above their bed could be unfastened and loosened in a variety of configurations).

Mer knelt up on the bed next to John and trailed a hand down his front. ‘God, you’re . . .’ but he didn’t finish his thought, just reached for a handful of openable chain links and began to tether John. He put John’s arms out to the sides and linked the arm and wrist cuffs to the chain that ran under John’s neck, and then linked his collar to it too. The weight of the collar holding him down did something to John that he couldn’t describe; made him feel safe. He felt like he’d been let off some big hook he’d been wriggling on the end of his whole damn life. 

How odd that a collar should make him feel free.

Mer then pushed John’s legs back, snapping his ankle cuffs to his thigh cuffs and linking these to the chains that were trailing down, so that John was exposed and ready for fucking, his ass right on the edge of their bed, his knees splayed out and pulled back towards his chest.

‘Raise the bed up,’ Mer said, slipping to the floor and running possessive hands over John’s thighs. John thought the bed upwards until Mer commanded, ‘stop.’

Mer didn’t waste any time, he just pulled up his T-shirt, unzipped himself, and sank into John without any hesitation. John had deliberately gone light on the prep (but heavy on the lube) so he could feel the perfect burn as his body was penetrated. Mer barely gave him time to adjust, grabbing his splayed thighs and heaving into him without mercy. His lover was hitting every one of John’s mental buttons and hitting his prostate on every thrust just to add to the perfect torture. As ordered, John stayed silent, biting down the moans and cries he desperately wanted to make.

This was exactly what he wanted, to feel like he had no choices, no control. He didn’t understand why this got him off so much, why it put him in a place in his head that was almost therapeutic, but it did. And he realised that the key ingredient here was his incredible trust for the genius currently sweetly torturing him.

‘God, I think I like owning you, having you in my collar and at my mercy,’ Mer said breathlessly as he changed up the pace to short, jabbing thrusts that threatened to undo John. John’s cock was heavy and leaking on his abdomen, and Mer reached down and ran a fingertip lightly along it.

 _Bastard._ John found himself giving little panting breaths as he desperately tried to hold onto his orgasm.

‘Don’t you dare come!’ Mer said, and just that was enough to hold John. He knew Mer wasn’t into giving punishment, but the thought of disappointing him was punishment enough.

Mer didn’t let himself come either. Apparently, he wanted to torture himself a little too. Just as John was sure he couldn’t hold onto his orgasm any longer, Mer pulled out, squeezing John’s balls until his erection began to subside, and wiping himself with a damp washcloth, zipping himself back up despite his prominent erection.

‘Very good.’ Mer said. ‘I think you might be the perfect sub.’

John found himself preening inwardly. Damn, why did this work so good for him?

Mer grabbed the cage and looked disapprovingly at John’s erection. ‘Get rid of that, now.’ Of course, being ordered around just made his cock jump. Mer sighed. ‘You have 2 minutes.’

John tried to think his hardon down, but it wasn’t cooperating. This was all just too intense for him not to be hard as a rock. After a minute, he began to panic, desperate to please Mer but not knowing how. Mer rolled his eyes and went out to their living space. He returned with an ice pack, wrapped it in an old T-shirt.

 _Fucking ouch._ The ice pack took care of his erection and more than a little of his headspace too. But then Mer locked the cock cage on him, slipping the key into his pocket, and John started to sink back down happily. Mer slid two fingers into John’s ass and played with him idly for a while. John’s cock was soon straining in the cage. He liked the feeling of his body being under Mer’s control. The efficient way Mer released him from his bonds just added to the sense of being at his Dom’s mercy. He was beginning to go deep again.

‘You need to keep yourself good and slick all day. I want to be able to sink into you at a moment’s notice. I’ll put a plug in you later, but you shouldn’t wear it too long.’ John cock jumped in the cage, and he would have moaned if he’d been allowed. This was hotter than he’d ever imagined. He’d give anything to be able to blow Mer right now. 

Apparently, Mer was a mind reader.

‘I want your mouth on me. Now, J –.’ John knew Mer was going to have trouble not using his name, but he appreciated the effort, as it added something to the scene for him.

Mer backed away from the bed so that John had to climb off and go to his knees on the pillow Mer’d put out before. He’d already had twenty minutes of kneeling that morning, and he wasn’t getting any younger, but the discomfort of it was really working for him. Mer unzipped himself and fed his cock into John’s mouth. John began to suck and lick, wanting to make it good.

‘That’s very nice,’ Mer said, ‘but I think what I really want is for you to stay still and just take it.’

 _Oh God._ Why did that push Johns buttons so fucking hard?

John felt his body let go of something that he’d still been holding. He relaxed his entire body, his head tipping back and letting Mer slide deep into his throat.

‘Oh fuck yes, you perfect, perfect sub.’ Mer tangled his fingers hard into John’s hair and pushed into his throat, carefully and deliberately fucking his face. John found himself really gone on this, on the pleasure Mer was taking and the way he was being used for it. He knew he’d probably feel very differently about it if it hadn’t been exactly what he asked for and carefully negotiated, but it was his fantasy made real and this fantasy was, apparently one that needed acting out.

Mer wasn’t going to take long, he was sighing and moaning and whispering ‘so good so good,’ and then he held John’s head hard with both hands, mashing his face into Mer’s groin as he came with a cry down John’s throat. He petted Johns hair before releasing him. John tipped his head against Mer’s hip, trying to prolong the contact, and Mer rested a hand on the back of his neck and held him for a moment.

John was feeling dazed and floaty and blissed out, hoping he could stay on his knees for hours and do just this. But Mer gently shook him out of his reverie.

‘We’re going to breakfast,’ he said.

Fuck. John was pretty sure everyone would know today he was nothing more than a fucktoy. He flushed, but also found himself aroused by the thought. Actually, it didn’t matter what anyone thought of who he was or what he did. 

‘Come on, you, people will just think you’re tired. It’s early. Nobody expects anyone to be with it. Although you do look particularly dazed.’

When they negotiated the scene, Mer and John had had a bit of a battle over John serving him. John had won, so when they reached the mess, Mer found a table tucked away in the corner where they could talk openly, and John fetched their food and brought it over, feeling a serene contentment at being able to serve his Dom. 

John could feel himself wanting to go down on his knees next to Mer, wanting Mer to do things to him right there in front of everyone. It was a fantasy that he was pretty sure wouldn’t work out in reality, but that didn’t change how powerful it was.

‘Hmm, I’m almost regretting your silence right now,’ Mer said, watching John’s face carefully as he popped some unidentified, tart berries into his mouth. ‘I bet you’re having fantasies about doing things in front of all these people.’

John nodded, his blush growing.

‘You know what I think? I think if I asked you to go down on your knees right here in front of everyone, you would. You could safeword, but you’re so far into this I think you’d actually go along with it.’

John’s eyes grew wide at the thought. He wondered if Mer would actually do it. He was caught in between wanting it and fearing it, but Mer was right. He wouldn’t safeword. If Mer wanted all these people to see exactly who he was, well he would deal with that. It wasn’t like it was anything but the truth.

‘God, you’re so into this idea it’s almost tempting. I’m actually considering it, putting you on your knees. Feeding you from my hand. Mer held a piece of muffin up to John’s lips and John took it eagerly, his lips lingering on Mer’s fingertips. He loved the fact that he could be this open about his relationship without consequences. And why not more? Why not just go down on his knees right here and now?

‘Wow, I think I could probably get away with bending you over this table and fucking you, you’re down so deep,’ Mer said. ‘Such a willing sub. So ready to do my bidding, however outrageous my bidding might be.’ 

_Yes_ , thought John, _all yours, all the time. Anything you want_. He could barely breathe from the thrill of imagining Mer just taking him and fucking him right there in front of everyone.

‘Fucking hell,’ Mer shook himself as if trying to wake up. ‘You like this is casting a powerful spell on me, but tomorrow you’re going to be very pleased to know that I’m not going to do anything that we didn’t negotiate before you got into this headspace. Because that would be abusive and fucked up, to take advantage of the most willing of subs I’ve ever encountered. But I’m not going to pretend this power isn’t going right to my head. And my dick.’ 

Mer pressed his booted foot to John’s ankle to ground him. ‘I’m very much enjoying this as a fantasy, the idea of taking you right over this table, fucking you in front of people. I suspect that some way of achieving public sex, preferably without losing our jobs, might be on the cards in our future. Maybe at a sex club back on earth, or in one of the more sexually liberated enclaves on Sateda.’

John was absolutely gone on that idea. He still couldn’t quite come up enough to clearly see that doing it right here and now was a bad idea, but he trusted Mer. He could always trust Mer. And Mer was his Dom, so it really didn’t matter what John wanted.

‘We certainly won’t be doing it without pre-negotiation, Mer said, ‘I may be willing to surprise you sometimes, but nothing happens in headspace that you haven’t given informed and enthusiastic consent to outside of headspace, don’t forget that.’

John didn’t really care about that right now, he just wanted to get fucked and please his Dom.

‘God, you’re just itching to be played with aren’t you? You really are the perfect sub. It’s quite an eye-opener. And the biggest fucking turn-on imaginable. Let’s take this somewhere more private, shall we?’

John bussed their trays and they strode out of the mess. John could not help falling into step a couple of paces behind his Dom, and he didn’t care what people thought about it. As they walked through the public corridors of Atlantis, Mer started to talk to him quietly, as if he was talking about work or the weather.

‘I know you’re desperate to be fucked right now, but I’m not gonna fuck you for a while, just because I really like keeping you waiting for things.’

John almost moaned because he loved that too, even though he also desperately wanted Mer’s cock inside him again. He was glad he couldn’t speak, because if he could speak he might beg. He wasn’t sure what he would be begging for, exactly, to get fucked or not fucked. He thought what mattered most was that Mer was thinking about him, thinking about what to do with him. He’d never really wanted much attention on him, and yet now Mer’s intense focus was everything.

For a second, it felt dangerous; deep and unfamiliar waters. But Mer had him. It would be okay as long as Mer was there.

‘And anyway I think I need to save myself for a bit if I’m gonna keep this up for 24 hours, but I still want to play with you. I wonder what we should do about that?’ Mer looked back to him and smiled. ‘I think I should make use of that gorgeous mouth of yours again. I mean, what’s the point of having my own personal fucktoy if I don’t get to be serviced by him?’

Oh fuck, _service_ was another of John’s buttons, only that one came from the military.

‘Come on, we’re going back to our place, where you’re going to give me a very thorough rim job, and then we’re going to go to work for a bit. And by work I mean you’re going to catch up with your paperwork in your “nobody will ever find me here” office whilst being ready to fulfil my every sexual whim at a moment’s notice.’


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I want you to put the computer where I can see you fully, then I want you to strip and bend over the desk with your back to the door, ready for me to fuck you. Now.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for moderately heavy D/s scene involving ownership role-play, impact play, exposure and exhibitionism, webcam, collar, possessiveness, objectification, potential humiliation, plug, cock cage, nipple clamps. All negotiated, safe, sane and consensual.
> 
> Note also for panic attack, safewording, slight carelessness on Mer's part about aftercare, complicated feels about neediness and submission
> 
> (edit - inappropriate behaviour for a work environment)

The hour John had spent in bed with Mer using his mouth on every part of him except his cock had been something close to perfection, even if John had been left untouched and nobody got to have an orgasm. John had taken Mer apart with his tongue, ending by tongue-fucking his ass for what seemed like forever. How his lover had resisted getting off, John didn’t know, but that was one of the things John loved, Mer’s strength when he was in Dom headspace. 

He’d never seen Mer quite like this before, though. He could tell Mer was surprised by his own response to the scene they were in. He was grateful, when Mer had been so unsure of doing this, that he was clearly getting off on having John completely under his control.

Maybe they could do this more . . . John was beginning to wonder if he wanted something like this all the time. Not quite this, but . . . something like a more permanent Dom/sub dynamic. He wondered what Mer would make of that. Mer hadn’t wanted to be Sam’s full-time sub, but would he want to be John’s Dom? 

Being alone in his remote office waiting for his Dom to play with him again was harder – this needing attention thing was getting a little out of hand. John had heard the term “needy sub” and it had had negative connotations – was that what he was? Was he even a sub? He could choose to be, sure, but was it simply who he was? An identity, like gay or straight? He knew Mer wouldn’t think it was that simple. 

Mer had a video link through the computer, but his own camera was off. At first, John had tried to flirt via the link, but Mer had just told John to get on with work, and then ignored him.

John had actually got quite a lot of his more boring, leave-your-brain-off paperwork done, despite the headspace, or maybe because of it. Which was an ADHD win. When he looked at the clock an hour and a half had passed without any word from Mer. He was starting to feel neglected, and he could feel the plug Mer had put in him beginning to feel tender. Despite myths from porn, he knew he shouldn’t keep it in too long, though he liked the feel of it.

John thought the door locked, pulled down his pants and briefs, carefully remove the plug, and began to lube himself up as Mer had instructed. Finally, he went to replace the plug and as he did so Mer’s voice came from his computer. It gave John a thrill of relief to know he’d caught Mer’s attention.

‘God, that’s hot. But you can leave the plug out. I want you to put the computer where I can see you fully, then I want you to strip and bend over the desk with your back to the door, ready for me to fuck you. Now.’

John didn’t take his time stripping, but he tried to be a little enticing as he did it. He felt incredibly vulnerable being naked in his office, but it was also seriously fucking hot. He bent over the desk, chest against the hard surface, head pillowed by his arms.

John spread his legs, ready to be fucked, and knew he was desperate for it.

‘That’s my good sub,’ Mer said approvingly through the computer. Damn, why wasn’t he on his way? It would take a good 5 minutes to get here from Mer’s office and John felt so exposed, poised perfectly between arousal and vulnerability.

‘Okay, I want you to open your door, right now,’ Mer said. ‘There’s no one in the corridor.’

Every self-preservation instinct in John’s body rebelled, even as every exhibitionist impulse lit up, but he did was as he was told. The door swished open, and he could feel a draft coming up the corridor, caressing his nakedness. He shuddered from the perfect mix of anxiety and pleasure.

‘Now, nobody can get to your office except by the transporter. Well, not if they don’t want a very long hike. So, here’s the deal. You don’t shut that door unless someone comes out of the transporter and doesn’t give you a signal. Shall we say I’ll whistle Beethoven’s 5th?’

John nodded. The thought of hearing someone transporting over and just having to wait until they were walking the handful of yards to his office was excruciating. Stuff like this had been on Mer’s latest checklist, but the reality of it was still taking John by surprise. A shiver shook through him as he realised it was almost unbearably arousing.

‘If you close the door on me, I’m not going to be happy. Understood?’

John nodded. Dammit, why was this so fucking hot? Mer had found a way to make a little of their earlier fantasy into reality, but the reality was as unsettling as it was mind-blowingly sexy. 

‘I’m going to be a little while, so make yourself comfortable. I mean, keep that position, but let yourself rest into it, okay?’

John almost sighed. He leaned his head into his folded arms and pushed his ass further into the air. He heard Mer groan at that.

‘Oh, nice. I might just have to jerk off right here looking at you, you’re so damn hot. And don’t tell me you’re not getting off on this because we both know you are.’

Oh yeah. John was getting off on this like he’d never gotten off on anything before.

He kind of drifted, weirdly happy waiting to be fucked at Mer’s whim. He ached for it, but he also loved waiting, and he loved how stripped bare and exposed he felt, his naked ass raised and waiting in front of an open door that anyone could walk through. His skin felt on fire with the flush of embarrassed arousal.

Maybe 20 minutes later, he heard the sound of the transporter doors, and a thrill of heat and fear shot through him. He nearly thought the door closed, but he waited a beat longer, breathing into the complicated but delicious feelings this whole scene was stirring up. He heard the sounds of Mer whistling the opening to Beethoven’s 5th echo down the corridor, and his whole body melted. John relaxed and adjusted his position so that it was perfect, his ass on display, ready to be fucked.

Mer walked into the room and gasped. 

‘Fucking hell, that is the hottest thing I’ve seen for a very long time.’ John buzzed with pleasure at the praise. He shivered in anticipation as he heard the sound of a zipper and then felt the blunt head of Mer’s cock at his entrance and two hands grasping at his hips. Mer quickly sank into him with a sigh of pleasure, and immediately began to fuck into John almost ruthlessly, the fabric of his pants brushing against John’s ass where he’d pulled his cock free without undressing. It was _perfect._ John sank down further into sub-space as Mer took his pleasure from John, pounding into him with an intensity that left John near breathless. Then Mer shifted his angle of penetration and John had to bite down on his lip not to cry out as Mer started to hit his prostate over and over.

‘Damn. It’s almost humbling watching you give yourself over to me, how much you desperately want this, want to be used and owned and given no choice but to take it.’ He punctuated every one of his words with a brutal thrust. John was already beginning to ache, but it felt good, he wanted that. Wanted it to hurt. The harder on him Mer got, the more John liked it.

As if reading his mind, Mer asked, ‘want some more pain, sub?’

John couldn’t respond. What he wanted was unimportant.

‘Well, I want you to take more pain for me, and I guess that’s all that matters right now.’

 _Fuck, yes. Make me your plaything._ Mer fumbled in his pocket and the next think he knew Mer was leaning down and reaching beneath John to pinch his nipple, hard. He tugged it roughly until it peaked, then attached a nipple clamp. He repeated this with the other nipple and tugged on the chain that ran between them. John arched into the hot, tight body bent over him, and bit down on the urge to cry out from pleasure/pain.

Mer thrust into John, hard against his prostate, and then played some more with the chain, sending thrills and shocks through John’s body. He thrust again, and the pleasure of it was almost too much. John was awash with sensation, and Mer was merciless, fucking hard against his pleasure point and alternating by torturing John’s nipples until he was almost mad with it. He was a breath away from climax, despite the cage, but he just breathed through it.

‘I could just make you my fucktoy forever. Keep you like this, letting me endlessly torture you. Do whatever I want to your body.’ Mer sounded a little drunk on this and it only aroused John even more.

Thwack! Out of the blue Mer slapped John’s ass with a shocking, stinging blow, straightening his body and changing up the angle of assault on John’s ass as he did so. The slap ratcheted up John’s arousal, despite his caged clock being unable to respond. Mer pushed into John in a series of deep thrusts and as he did so he began to spank John _hard_. It was almost too much. Exquisite torture that spiralled John’s arousal to unbearable levels. Mer started to hit even harder, and John realised he was in danger of coming even with the cage. He began to tremble, for the first time unsure if he could hold onto his orgasm.

‘It’s okay, if you can come in the cage, go right ahead. I want to see it.’ Mer renewed his onslaught on John’s prostate and at the same time carried on spanking his ass, reddening it and releasing a flood of endorphins. Just when John thought he might take off all the way into space, Mer reached round him with the hand that wasn’t mercilessly beating his ass and pulled the clamps free with a brain-meltingly painful wrench.

Endorphins rushed through him, and suddenly an orgasm that had nothing to do with his caged dick flooded John, starting in his prostate and washing through his entire body until he shook and trembled, while Mer continued to spank and fuck him through the tsunami of pleasure. He’d bitten into his lip to keep from crying out, and he could taste the metallic tang of blood in his mouth. He could feel his whole body surrender even further into Mer’s keeping as the aftershocks rolled through him, relaxing him from his hair to his toes. He was still shaking.

Mer was still pumping into him, but eventually gentled his pace. His smacks gave way to caresses across John’s back and buttocks.

‘Wow, that was beautiful. Jesus.’ His voice sounded awed. ‘You’re something else, John. So damn perfect.’ He could hear Mer’s act slipping and the love shining through in his voice. This was the only time today Mer had used John’s name, and for a second they were no longer Dom/sub but John and Mer, two men, very much in love.

Mer stroked a hand gently over John’s back until the trembling stopped. Then John shoved back against his cock, trying to give an indication that it was okay to switch back to his role. Mer took the hint and planted his thick hand into the middle of John’s back, pushing him down against the desk. John had to widen his legs in response. The changed angle meant he could take Mer’s cock even more deeply. Mer began to slam into John hard and fast, digging bruises into his hip with his other hand and making John’s ass ache perfectly.

‘You’re mine. I own you.’ He punctuated his words with brutal thrusts. ‘Going to come inside you and plug you, so you walk around with me still inside you.’

 _God._ John wanted to scream, ‘yes, please, fill me, take me, use me!’ Wanted to call Mer Sir, Master. Would lick his boots if he asked. He couldn’t decide if this was all deeply fucked up or if he should just be grateful that he could explore the depths of his kinks with someone he loved and trusted as much as Mer. He really didn’t know if he’d unleashed something now that was going to change who he was forever. Maybe this was him now, set in stone to be someone’s (Mer’s) sub and nothing else. It was terrifying and exhilarating.

He could feel himself giving a little bit more over to Mer every second, sinking further down into sub-space as Mer began to focus solely on his own pleasure.

Mer sped up his thrusts a little more, his rhythm becoming ragged. The slap of his body against John’s was hard and staccato, the soreness of John’s ass and the redness of his cheeks felt oddly perfect despite the pounding they were getting. Mer shoved hard against him and John strengthened his stance, wanting to thrust back but instead keeping motionless and just taking the hard fucking.

‘That’s it, that’s good,’ Mer said breathlessly, tightening both hands onto John’s hips and ramming into him. ‘You were made for this. Made to be bent over the furniture and fucked as often as possible. Made to take my cock.’

_Yes._

Mer’s right hand left its bruising grip on John’s hip while the other tightened, hauling himself deeper inside John by the second. He ran a possessive hand up John’s spine, grabbing a handful of John’s hair and tugging hard enough to hurt, then moving his hand to grip the back of John’s neck, over his leather collar.

‘Fuck, I love owning you.’ John could feel Mer’s climax building almost as if it was his own, and his muscles contracted involuntarily around the cock reaming his ass.

‘Yes! God, again!’ Mer groaned, his rhythm beginning to falter. John clenched in synchronicity with his lover’s thrusts, and Mer finally broke, the hand on John’s neck clenching as his hips jerked against John’s ass, spilling deep inside him in long, drawn out, quivering release.

‘So good, so good,’ Mer praised as John used his muscles to milk the last of Mer’s pleasure out of his shaking body. He leaned against John for a moment, sighing, and planted a kiss on his back. ‘You’re the perfect sub.’

That made John sink even deeper into that happy place where all he knew was his Dom’s orders and everything was perfect and good and safe and blissful. There was a little bit left of him looking at all this askance, astonished, but that part really didn’t stand a chance.

Mer thought the door closed finally.

‘Stay right where you are,’ he said to John, which was convenient, because John was totally unable to move. His upper body was supported by the desk and his legs had gone like noodles, hanging uselessly, knees knocking against the desk’s side. Mer reached for the plug, lubed it up, and teasingly dragged the tip of it across his hole. Then he fucked John a little with it before pushing it home.

‘I love you like this. Such a willing, beautiful sub. I think I might want to own you forever.’

 _Yes, please, that._ He wanted that.

‘I could suggest anything to you right now and you wouldn’t just let me, you’d love it just because it was what I wanted.’ There was fear as well as awe in Mer’s voice.

He wasn’t wrong, and John didn’t mind a bit because he could trust Mer with his life, his body, his fucking _soul._

More than he could trust himself with any of those things. A tiny alarm bell rang alongside that thought, and he filed it away to think about later. Right now, he just wanted to know what Mer was going to do next.

 _Anything, anything, just don’t leave me alone._ A ripple of anxiety ran through him at the thought that Mer would probably want to do exactly that.

Mer was tidying himself up, putting himself back together, rummaging in the closet on the other side of John’s office for some reason, and leaving John propped on the desk, untouched. 

_He’s going to walk out that door until he wants to use me again._

That was what John wanted, wasn’t it? 

John wanted this all so much, but he didn’t want Mer to walk out the door, and he was so far down he couldn’t say it even if he wanted to.

 _Needy sub._ He didn’t know where he’d heard that term, probably porn, but it echoed in his head with a ring of condemnation. He wasn’t supposed to have needs – a sub’s place was to fulfil the needs of others. _John’s_ place was to fulfil the needs of others – what he wanted didn’t matter.

Mer would tell him that this had always been about John’s needs, but he wouldn’t, couldn’t be _needy_. 

Even so, he just didn’t know how he was going to stand Mer leaving him alone. He felt like it would rip his heart right out of him. It was fucking ridiculous. He could feel tears in his eyes. Mer had been out of contact with him for maybe half a minute if that and it felt like he’d been left alone in a pit.

‘Shit! Mer’s arms were round him, pulling him off the desk and tight against him, til they sank into a huddle on the soft, yielding floor. ‘Shit, I was just giving you a minute to recover, you looked so wrecked. I wasn’t going to leave you like that. I wouldn’t leave you like that.’ Mer’s voice was anguished.

But all John knew was that he was fucking this up with his stupid needs, and worse, he was making a bad habit of crying after sex like some neurotic prick. Of course, this just made him cry more, and that made him hate himself more, and so it went on. 

He was fucking everything up. Stupid, stupid. At least he wasn’t going to make a sound as he cried, but he was shaking hard and it wouldn’t stop, and his breathing was getting a little weird. If Mer did what he was supposed to do he would give John a hard slap across the face, tell him to pull his shit together and leave him a mess on the floor til he’d sorted himself out.

Only oh, the thought of Mer leaving him alone like this wasn’t getting any easier, and now the shaking was getting worse and he really wasn’t sure he could breathe at all.

Mer reached an arm out to his side, pulling nearer a plastic box that definitely hadn’t been there a minute ago. Must’ve come out of the closet. He pulled out a soft blanket and wrapped it round John, and then pulled John against his chest.

‘Listen, John, you need to safeword. You’re having a panic attack.’ 

There was just no way John could do that. There was no way he could let this go, let it be fucked up. It meant too much, even if he didn’t understand what he was feeling. His heart was pounding out of his chest and nothing made sense unless Mer could put him back down where he needed to be.

John struggled out of Mer’s grip, threw off the blanket and knelt beside Mer, head bowed. He was shaking, and tears were still streaming down his face, but there was no way he could speak.

‘Oh John,’ Mer said, putting a hand up to John’s cheek. He kissed John’s lips, even though John was pretty sure there was snot on them. Then he took a deep breath and swore quietly.

‘Look, I’m sorry if you hate me, John, but _I’m_ safewording. I need to be Mer right now, and I need you to be John. I need to take care of you and love you. We can play all you like, any time you like, just not right this minute. This has been amazing and hot and intense, and I think we’re both just in need of some figuring out time. I understand how far down you’ve gone, I understand talking isn’t an option, but if you’re in sub-space then you need to do what I tell you. And I’m telling you to go back to being John, and let me take care of you, OK?’

John couldn’t explain why he felt so terrified to be offered exactly what he wanted. He froze, not knowing what to do.

‘Should I make it an order, John?’

John nodded, miserably confused and still barely able to breathe.

‘Okay, John, I’m ordering you to let me put this blanket back around you, and for you to lean back against me. I want you to notice the texture of the blanket on your skin, okay? Really pay attention, just to the blanket and my body and my voice, nothing else.’

It was an Athosian blanket, thick and soft, with a corded texture running through it. John didn’t understand why that mattered, but he did as he was told. Mer wrapped it round him and pulled him against his chest, into the V of his legs, leaning back against the desk. 

‘Nice blanket, huh?’ Mer said, moving John’s hands over it. It was puzzling why he was doing this, but soothing. ‘I like the tassels,’ he added, closing John’s fingers around the fringe at the blanket’s edge. ‘I’d say the colours are pretty, but I suspect you don’t notice such things.’

The colours _were_ pretty, a blend of greens and golds and blues, and John did notice such things, but maybe that was because he really wasn’t the person Mer thought he was, and he didn’t know who the fuck he was. Maybe he was nothing, maybe he was nobody. Maybe that would even be nice, being nobody. But nobodys didn’t get to have needs, and John had enough needs to fill the room and drown them both. He curled in on himself, trying desperately to make himself stop crying. At least the breathing thing had got easier, and John realised Mer’s whole routine with the blanket had been a grounding technique.

‘I’m sorry.’ Mer said, ‘I’m so sorry I fucked up. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’ll try to make it right.’

But John just shook his head fiercely. How could Mer think this was anyone’s fault but John’s?

‘Listen, when you’re back up we’ll talk properly, but all you need to remember right now is that when you put someone into subspace, you’re responsible for their wellbeing, and that’s a big responsibility. To misquote that Spiderman saying that isn’t originally from Spiderman at all, the more power someone gives you, or you take, the more responsibility you have. You gave me a lot, John, and I wasn’t shy in taking, either. I’m still learning about our dynamic, learning about me with you and you with me, just like you are. I don’t have the answers and perhaps I let you think I did. You bring out something in me – your submission goes a little to my head. I need to figure that out a bit more and be much more careful.’ He stroked a hand along the back of John’s neck. ‘I need to take better care of you, John. Will you let me try?’

John knew that at some point he would need to explain to Mer how this wasn’t his fault at all, but he still couldn’t speak. He just nodded, and cuddled against Mer, deciding that if things needed figuring out, maybe that could wait. Maybe he could just comfort himself with the fact that Mer hadn’t walked out of the door and left him all alone, and that maybe it wouldn’t have taken a crying fit or a panic attack for him to be looked after. 

Mer’s plug was still inside him and his cage was still around John’s cock, he was cuffed and collared and that grounded him. John realised that ok, he wasn’t Mer’s plaything right now, but he was still _his_ and perhaps that was more important.

He pondered the submission thing. Maybe his desires were not as simple as he thought. Maybe he’d still do this again someday, though.

It took a couple of hours for John to be together enough to be moved back to Mer’s quarters. In the meantime, Mer’s pre-prepared supply box had provided them with turkey sandwiches, juice and Mer’s way-too-healthy food bars. Eventually, John had got dressed, but he’d wanted to keep the cuffs, collar and cage, and Mer let him. The plug had been in more than long enough – Mer wasn’t prepared to risk damage.

If Mer had been hoping John would start talking to him, he was out of luck. In the end, they had eaten and then dozed in a huddle on the floor. It had all been intense and exhausting. Thank God it was a day off because neither of them were any use to anybody. If the wraith came calling, they’d be fucked.

‘Okay,’ Mer said finally, we’re going to go back to my quarters, and to bed. We’ve got tomorrow off, we’ll figure this out in the morning.’ 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Yesterday was incredible. You were amazing. I don’t want you to think . . . I mean, I loved it. Every bit of it. Thank you.’
> 
> ‘Only you, John Sheppard, would thank a person for something that left them crying on the floor in pieces.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day after: Post scene debrief. Content note for discussion of D/s. Brief mention of loss of a parent, Harry Potter reference.

They slept late; the day before had been emotionally exhausting for both of them, but when they finally surfaced, John felt surprisingly rested. Lighter, too. Mer woke John with a kiss, pulling him close and running a hand up and down his spine. John’s cock stirred against him, and he pressed into it.

‘Are you talking to me now?’ He asked.

John blushed, ducking his face into Mer’s neck. ‘Yeah . . . ’m sorry.’

‘God, John, you don’t get it,’ Mer put his hand to John’s face and gently pushed it up til he could see John’s eyes. ‘You have nothing to be sorry about. Yesterday was one of the most intense, amazing experiences of my life and even the difficult bits – _especially_ the difficult bits, were the kinds of difficult that taught me the stuff I really needed to know. Plus, I was the designated driver for this road trip, not you. If we crashed, that’s on me. I wasn’t keeping a close enough eye on you and I wasn’t quick enough with the after-care.’

‘It wasn’t that . . .’ John knew he had to talk about this, so he drew a deep breath. ‘Stuff happened in my head. There were some fucked up thoughts that got loose.’ John was even thinking maybe he needed therapy about all this, but he couldn’t really see opening up to Kate.

‘That happens. That’s why you needed after-care, to keep you feeling okay when you were vulnerable. To not let your thoughts go into a spiral downwards. Doms who don’t look after subs after a heavy scene are assholes – I never wanted to be that guy.’

‘Maybe there were thoughts I needed to have. Maybe I need to think some more.’

‘About?’ Mer asked gently.

‘Why I wanted this.’ God, talking was hard, and delving into the murk that was John’s brain was harder. But John could feel something pushing up inside him, something that _wanted_ to be voiced. It scared him, but he felt like he’d had five beers and his tongue was loosening. That was usually his cue to call it a night.

‘Say more?’ Mer probed, still achingly gentle, damn him.

‘I . . . I thought you were going to leave me alone again and I couldn’t cope, just couldn’t cope. I needed you so badly and then I . . . I hated myself, hated myself for having needs.’ He buried his face back in Mer’s neck, speaking quietly. ‘Sometimes I think the reason I don’t like to talk is that I might say stuff out loud that I’m not supposed to say.’

Mer ran a hand through John’s hair softly. ‘Like what, John?’

‘What I need. _Anything_ I need.’ Jesus, this was hard to admit. John kept his face hidden, and Mer held him a little closer.

‘Oh, John. That’s . . . heartbreaking. I don’t want to imagine how you came to have created a rule like that for yourself.’ Damn, Mer sounded so sad and it made a lump rise in John’s throat.

‘Young. But really don’t wanna think about it,’ he said, suddenly realising one reason he’d fallen so hard for Mer was how good the scientist was at figuring out what John needed without him having to say. And he was only just realising how that could be a trap for both of them. Suddenly he saw how the scene he wanted worked around the rules he’d made for himself. He got all Mer’s attention, but couldn’t speak, so could pretend to himself that the whole damn thing wasn’t about his needs. Which was a big lie. But then he had a need so fierce and so immediate it brought him face-to-face with his own fucking stupid rules. The reason for the rules, well maybe that _was_ something he could talk to Kate about. But he wasn’t going near dead mother territory while in bed with his lover – no way.  
  
‘Well, I’m guessing it’s not just going away, then. I’ll try to be more aware of that.’

Oh _god_ , the way Mer just took all of John’s fuck-ups in his stride and worked around them. No telling John to fix himself, just accepting him in all his mess. John didn’t know what to say, so just snuggled closer, pressing his lips into Mer’s neck.

‘Thanks,’ he said.

‘I should have monitored you better. I’m sorry.’

‘Think it needed to happen. There’s a whole lot of other stuff I need to think about too. About subs and Doms and where I fit. And about how much I’m willing to trust you but not myself.’

‘We’re going to be talking about this for a long time, aren’t we?’ Mer said, and he didn’t even seem to mind.

‘Probably,’ John said, much more reluctantly. ‘But for now . . .’ he squirmed against Mer, trying to get even closer, ‘. . . can we kiss some more? And then maybe it’s time to take this collar off me.’ he felt a twinge of loss at the thought, but he knew it had to happen. Mer had removed the plug and cage the day before, but John had been pretty desperate to keep the security of collar and cuffs. It was weird how much they soothed him.

‘So, before or after I blow you?’

John grinned and felt himself relax nearly all the way. ‘Before. I think this could be hard and I’d like a reward.’ 

_Go me, expressing a need._ He gave himself a little cheer.

He lay passive as Mer removed the cuffs, one by one. As he did this, John flashed back to the day before, surprised to find only feelings of intense happiness and arousal. He wasn’t sure why he went to sleep last night thinking the scene had been a disaster, because it had been completely mind blowing, and he’d learned life changing things about himself, even if he hadn’t fully figured out what they were yet.

‘Mer?’ He said, as his lover reached gently for the collar.

‘Yes, John?’

‘Yesterday was incredible. You were amazing. I don’t want you to think . . . I mean, I loved it. Every bit of it. Thank you.’

‘Only you, John Sheppard, would thank a person for something that left them crying on the floor in pieces.’

‘Yeah, well maybe I needed to be broken. Maybe you can help put me back together the right way this time.’

Mer smiled. ‘Okay, but first I’m gonna take you apart the right way.’

Mer took the collar off, and John felt a pang of loss, but that soon transformed into pleasure as Mer kissed every inch of his neck, then moved up to his lips.

Mer kissed him long and slow, teasing with his tongue and nipping at his lower lip oh so gently. He then kissed back down John’s throat and along his collarbone, taking his time to lavish attention on every millimetre of skin. His hands carded through John’s rug-like chest hair, and softly teased at his nipples.

It almost drove John mad. He wanted to shout out, ‘fuck me, hurt me, _punish_ me,’ and that’s when he remembered how hard it was for him to just let Mer _love_ him. So he sighed, and relaxed back into the pillows and let Mer’s mouth work its way down his body, taking his cock inside oh so sweetly, worshipping him like he was _somebody._ Not just somebody, somebody special. And not for what he could do or give, not for how he could serve. Just for who he was.

Mer’s mouth, gentle as it was, was working him up with astonishing speed. The scientist’s loving hands were playing with his balls as his tongue flicked cleverly in all the right places. Then, Mer increased the suction and John cried out Mer’s name and came hard. He reached a hand down to cup Mer’s cheek, and his partner looked up at him with so much love it almost hurt.

‘I love you,’ John said. ‘I’ve got a lot of figuring out to do, but that’s the one thing I know for sure.’

‘I know it too,’ Mer said, ‘and it’s more than mutual.’

***

‘Mer, am I a sub?’ John finally asked, much later. They were dressed, finally, and lounging on their couch drinking a spicy tea from Belkan that they both liked.

‘Oh boy, isn’t that the question?’ Mer answered somewhat unhelpfully.

‘I mean, now I’m out of headspace I can see the flaws in the idea but when I was down there, I would have happily been owned by you forever.’

‘And imagine, the million ways there are of keeping someone there, making them think they want it or need it until you have total control. Especially if they come from an unloving family and are crying out for love and attention.’

‘My family weren’t . . .’

‘Your family _were_ , but I wasn’t talking about them, or you. I was talking about me.’ Mer said. His face went all faraway and lost as he said it, and John felt a wave of anger towards the people who had hurt his lover. 

‘People are vulnerable when they’re exploring submission,’ Mer went on, ‘and unsurprisingly some of the folk out there who want control over other people aren’t exactly perfect or completely safe. I didn’t learn until a long time later that the sub is ultimately the one that has to be in control. If the sub isn’t in control of what’s happening to them, then it isn’t safe. You saw yesterday, I could have got you to do all sorts of things we hadn’t agreed on, and you would have been willing and eager, at least while you were down.’

John remembered how he was in the mess with a shiver. Yeah, he would have done something that could have lost him his job and done it willingly. He wouldn’t feel the same way about it now, though. He also realised that it wouldn’t take much for Mer to be able to manipulate him through his fear of being left.

‘I know it wasn’t always safe for you,’ John said, pressing up close to his lover, feeling protective. ‘I’m lucky I have you.’

‘Yeah, it wasn’t safe a lot of times. It wasn’t really what I’d call informed consent a lot of times. But I can’t blame some of the people that hurt me – there are of course great folk out there who know what they’re doing, but most of us came to it via reading other people’s fantasies in books, comics, or magazines. So many of those involved coercion, taking advantage of someone’s headspace, manipulation, threats of abandonment, zero negotiation or just plain “I’m the Dom, you do as I say” – it often makes for much hotter reading than the safe, sane and consensual kind, but I wish it all came with a big neon light reading “this is good fantasy but bad reality”.’

Wow, hadn’t that all come tumbling out in a rush? John’s arm moved protectively around Mer’s shoulder. He hated to hear how badly Mer had been treated. He just stayed silent and let Mer talk.

‘I mean, I was a vulnerable guy, I guess I would have been vulnerable on any scene. But when you’re young and new to it people decide you’re going to be a sub whether that’s who you are or not, and often you’re that inexperienced it makes some sort of sense to let others lead. People act like there are tops and bottoms, subs and Doms and that’s just the way it is, but it’s funny how so many Doms are older men and so many subs just happen to be younger men or women, almost like the prescribed social hierarchy dictates people’s place.’

‘I’m an old man,’ John quipped, ‘at least I’m older than you.’

‘And you’re freshly hatched in many ways even so.’ Mer countered. ‘Look, John, I am more than happy to help you explore submission and try and be whatever you need me to be, however that changes. And maybe there really are “born this way” subs, I don’t know the answer to that. But there are people in this world who swear up and down that they are a true Gryffindor or Leo with Mercury rising. Maybe this is just my inbetween way of thinking and I’ve got it all wrong, but I suspect there’s a little of both in most of us and it probably warrants exploring from all angles. I won’t lie, John, your submission, the submission of someone so strong, is one of the most incredible things I’ve witnessed. But you’re a little lost right now and I don’t want you to think that all the answers lie in one place.’

‘Okay. That makes sense.’ John had so many feelings about this and they looked different from so many angles. John could see how submission could teach him things or simply bring him much needed release, but he could also see it as a way to abdicate or avoid. His lack of trust in himself, his low self-esteem because of his ADHD, his wanting security – these weren’t the reasons he wanted this, perhaps, but they certainly had an influence.

Then again, there was the bit of him that just plain got off on it and really didn’t care why. ‘I don’t want to stop exploring this, though,’ he said finally, ‘And I’d really, really like to do a scene like that again.’

‘There is absolutely no way I’d be in favour of abandoning the exploration of something that was that hot, or that eye-opening, John. You were incredible.’

‘Fuck, McKay, you were the one running things. You blew my mind.’

‘Well, I’d very much like to do that again. And we are so having sex in public one day.’

And just like that, John was hard again.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘We do not speak to prey,’ the queen retorted, not disguising the hunger in her glassy eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A visit to a captured hive ship, and a little bit of John/Ronon

The wraith ship was eerie – more creepy, somehow, than they even were normally. The _Orion_ had intercepted and disabled it easily, and Lorne’s marines with their Pegasun counterparts had boarded and secured the crew. John sort of missed the days when that would have been AR-1’s job, but these days his team tended only to be rolled out for diplomatic missions, given they represented a sizeable chunk of Atlantis’ leadership.

Various discussions were had over the fact that Teyla was still on the team and Elizabeth, her Earth counterpart, was not, but in the end it reflected their differing styles – Teyla was hands on, Elizabeth preferred to remain aloof, although that was changing a little. Teyla could have left John and Ronon to handle things as deputies, especially now she was pregnant, but she wasn’t going to miss this chance to face the weakening wraith.

The hive’s crew were a pathetic sight – muddled, weak and vaguely delirious, they had been easily overpowered by Lorne and his marines. Nevertheless, John could see the harrowed look on Teyla and Ronon’s faces as they walked through the hive – no sense of victory, no pleasure in seeing the enemy on its knees, just the same wary fear and abiding hate that would live on in the Pegasus natives for generations.

The queen was stronger than many there, but not sufficiently to try the usual mind-control tricks. Marines brought her to AR-1 in handcuffs, and that at least brought a flicker of satisfaction to Teyla’s dignified face.

‘We are here to offer you a choice,’ Teyla stated.

‘We do not speak to prey,’ the queen retorted, not disguising the hunger in her glassy eyes.

‘Then you can listen.’ Teyla said haughtily. ‘We could simply put you all into stasis, as we have many others. We do not know if we can ever revive you, but we are committed to finding a way for us to coexist. We are winning this war, and it is not our desire to destroy an entire race. Rather than allow this pointless fighting to continue, we are offering a ceasefire, based on the unconditional surrender of all wraith, to be put in stasis until such time as we discover a cure for your feeding.’

‘And we decline.’ The queen hissed. ‘The wraith are not the wraith if you take away our source of power. We will best you yet, complacent little humans. You believe you can succeed where those you call the Ancients failed? You are weak. They were strong, and yet they fell to us.’

The speech would have been more convincing if the queen had not been visibly weakening as she said these words, overcome by her lust for a food she could not reach. The rasp in her voice grew until the last few words came out in a croak.

‘Wraith are eternal.’

 _Keep telling yourself that, asshole,_ John thought privately, whilst feeling grateful this was his first encounter with a queen that hadn’t forced him to his knees. He shuddered at the memory.

‘Then we will put all here into stasis, we will continue to fight, and we will win,’ Teyla said simply.

‘So be it,’ said the queen.

There was no contest over which of them was truly more regal.

*** 

‘Yeah, but how are you _doing_ , Ronon?’ John asked, for the second time.

They were tangled in Ronon’s surprisingly expensive white Earther sheets, naked and sweaty.

‘Doing great. You fuck like a champ,’ Ronon grinned knowingly at his use of John’s slang and stopped John’s mouth strategically with a kiss. The man was worse at talking than John, and that was saying something.

John rolled his eyes and swatted the other man on the bicep.

‘You know that’s not what I meant.’ John didn’t list the things that might be stressing out his friend and lover. The increasingly draining war with the wraith, or his ongoing entanglement with the Satedan Council, despite efforts to relinquish the role. The point was Ronon’s face was thin and tired and John wished he knew what to do to help.

Sometimes he thought he was perhaps the worst person to be trying to get Ronon to talk, and sometimes he felt like he was the person who understood the spaces between Ronon’s words the best.

‘Helps that you care. Nothing you can do, though,’ Ronon acknowledged, and then climbed over John, pressing down against his body. The man had an astonishing refractory period and was already hard again. John arched upwards, his own cock beginning to twitch.

‘My turn,’ Ronon said with a lascivious grin, and grabbed for the lube, putting John onto his hands and knees and prepping him carefully before rolling on a condom and pushing into him slowly.

‘Mmm, yes,’ John responded to his lover pushing deep.

They hadn’t done this all that often, but whenever they did, John had the sense that this man knew him inside out. They were an easy fit, uncomplicated. Ronon ran sensuous hands over John, while pulling out and sliding back into him with patient care. He was unhurried, brushing against John’s prostate in a maddening, teasing rhythm, and making sure every careful thrust went all the way home.

One of Ronon’s hands closed over John’s hip as the other travelled up John’s spine and stroked into his hair. John shivered as the hand traced its way back down, finally grasping his other hip and holding tight, so that Ronon could fuck into him harder. John’s cock was strained and leaking, and he could come like this if he let himself, but he wanted to hold on. He shoved back against Ronon, increasing the impact of the thrusts, and the other man groaned.

The next thing John knew, Ronon was leaning over him, pressed along his back. He pressed kisses down on John’s spine and then put arms tight about John, using his full strength to heave John backward, into his kneeling lap, and hard down onto his cock. John took him deeper with a sigh, leaning back into his lover and allowing the other man to kiss up his neck and beneath his ears while fucking into him with the strength of his thigh muscles alone.

John loved Ronon’s strength – loved being manhandled and pulled about in the bedroom. He let his own body rock back into that of his lover, but he was happy to let the younger man do most of the work. Ronon’s hand slid down to John’s cock and began to play with it, slow and teasing. As he did so, he slowed the pace of his thrusting, too, changing up the rhythm to a gentle rocking that was perfect and somehow devastating.

Ronon’s other hand slid up John’s body, playing with his nipples. Ronon mouthed and bit at John’s back and shoulders, and John reached back to touch his lover, clutching at his ass and pulling him still closer, making the other man groan.

Ronon pinched John’s nipples a little harder, moving the hand on his cock with more purpose, as the thrusts into John’s ass became jabbing and purposeful and started to undo him. John moaned, so close to the edge, and Ronon sped up the movement of his hand and the thrusts into his body.

‘ _Fuck!_ ’ Ronon exclaimed, as his movements became ragged, and he mouthed at John’s shoulder, groaning into his skin as John rocked back onto his cock and forward into his hand, trying to hold onto his orgasm until Ronon lost it. He moaned loudly as he felt Ronon’s hips stutter against his ass and came hard all over Ronon’s still-moving hand.

Ronon held John hard, staying inside him for the longest time, breathing heavily into his neck. Then he pulled free, dealing with the condom, and pushed John back down into the sheets, laying his cheek against John’s chest in a move that was so sweet and vulnerable it made John’s heart ache.

‘Won’t be okay til every last one is dead or on ice,’ Ronon said softly against John’s skin. ‘And there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better.’

John ran fingers through Ronon’s perfect braids and down to his neatly-trimmed, short goatee and reflected that the runner hadn’t really gone away.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There wasn’t really a way to describe it in earth parlance. It was the kind of place that you could get lunch and a soft drink. It was the kind of place you could get high, if that was your thing. You could listen to the latest music and dance. It was also a hook up joint and a sex club . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for public sex, exhibitionism, impact play, rimming, mushiness and feels

_Haven_ wasn’t that different from a club on earth in some respects, except the lighting was less dingy and the décor was softer and more colourful – more lounge than club, really. Mitchell was visiting from Earth and Evan was bringing him, along with two of his other lovers Ronon and David, to check out the Satedan hangout. 

There wasn’t really a way to describe it in earth parlance. It was the kind of place that you could get lunch and a soft drink. It was the kind of place you could get high, if that was your thing. You could listen to the latest music and dance. It was also a hook up joint and a sex club, or at least bits of it were. Gay, straight or bi, couples and thruples and whateversomes came here to meet people and to play in some of the spaces put aside for that purpose. 

The place was huge and sprawling and all life was here. Maybe it was more like a resort, John reflected, after they had walked through three very different spaces and realised this was just the beginning. Or maybe it was like nowhere on Earth, and he needed to stop using his own limited culture as a frame of reference.

Where they were now, people were demurely sitting around drinking tea. Mer and John relaxed back into a huge pile of cushions, listening to a pair of musicians putting out a mellow, melodic Satedan tune. The soft furnishings muffled the gentle sound in the room and made it bearable for Mer’s sensory issues in a way no Earth bar would have been.

They weren’t in any hurry to play, but it was clear the men sitting opposite them were. There was an excited energy around the four of them, and the touches between them were becoming increasingly purposeful.

John and Mer had already declined an invitation to join the foursome in their play. John was curious, but not ready for that – not yet. That didn’t stop him from wondering about how everything worked between the four of them. But Evan with his relaxed, efficient approach to life seemed to make even the most bizarre situations everyday. 

John couldn’t help but watch the four men and their dynamics. Cam was Evan’s oldest lover, and they acted like an odd mix of old marrieds and flight school buddies. They were Maverick/Iceman fifteen years on – John could see constant glimpses of the men they used to be. John suspected if they lived in the same galaxy they’d fight as much as they fucked, and mostly about who got to be on top. 

The ever-quiet Parrish was head over heels in love with Evan and it showed. Evan, in his own quiet way returned that love, bestowing little reassurances and quiet affection. The pair were oddly sweet together, and Cam and Ronon were respectful of that sweetness.

Ronon was the enigma in all this, keeping himself a little separate and at the same time taking opportunities to flirt with each of them, signalling his desire. John could see how Ronon experienced Evan as an anchor and was bonded with him in a way that was more familial than romantic. The Satedan didn’t seem to feel the need to assert any position with the others, although there was warmth and ease there. But the chemistry between him and Lorne was electric. 

One day, John really wanted to play with the two of them. He wasn’t sure what was holding him back, beyond pure shyness at being so old and inexperienced. Lorne caught him watching, and smiled in that open way he had, and John felt invited, but not pressed. 

Yeah, one day.

After a while, the four of them left for another room. John relaxed into Mer and listened to the music, just letting himself be in the moment and enjoy Mer’s solid presence at his side.

A long time later Mer turned to John, giving him a long kiss and carding his hands through John’s hair, then stroking his bearded face affectionately.

‘Want to look around?’

John nodded shyly, not really knowing what to expect. Mer took his hand and led him in the opposite direction to their friends, through an arch into bright Satedan sunshine.

John really had not expected this. The interior of the club had been shuttered and he’d almost forgotten the brightness outside. It was disorienting, and his vision struggled to adapt. He certainly didn’t expect this exposed, bright, outside space full of bodies that, as he grew accustomed to the light, he realised were mostly naked. 

The courtyard was large, enclosed by buildings that were all partly obscured by flowering vines. Most of the courtyard was lawn, but there were trees and shrubs creating little enclosures and winding paths. There must have been a hundred people there, but it didn’t seem crowded.

It was less like a frenzied orgy and more like one of those grand Renaissance paintings. There was movement, of course, and there was definitely a fair bit of fucking going on, but the scene was languid and peaceful and there was something very pure about it. John’s eyes caressed everything he saw with careful attention. He neither wanted to stare nor turn away, but his gaze rested lightly on the bodies he saw before him.

All kinds of bodies, all kinds of shapes and skin tones, ages and disabilities, enjoying the sunshine and enjoying each other in pairs and groups, or just contentedly alone. 

It was the most beautiful thing John had ever seen.

An androgynous-looking Satedan passed them a container that was a cross between a bag and a basket. ‘It’s hot out here,’ they said with a smile. Which was true – Satedan days were long, and for the long midday hours the sun was powerful, despite the gatebuilders’ inclination to situate stargates in cooler, more temperate regions.

Mer looked at John and raised one eyebrow.

‘When in Sateda,’ John smirked, and began unbuttoning his shirt.

They stowed their clothes and wandered along a grassy path that wound its way through little nooks and lawns where people were enjoying the sunshine, and each other, in every way possible. John was surprised by how it felt to be there. He was used to watching other people have sex from porn, but of course this was nothing like that. It was arousing in a very different way, and he felt less like a voyeur and more like a participant even though as yet he was doing nothing but being naked in a space where it was okay to have sex.

Okay to have sex, like there was nothing at all taboo here. The bright sun warmed his skin, but it also melted away some of his shame.

The path they chose had wound itself into a circular space surrounded by a not very opaque trellis. Within the space, there were half a dozen men, all playing with each other’s cocks in an unhurried way, a tangle of bodies and mouths and hands. It was very pretty. John imagined himself joining in with them, and he felt a stir of arousal, but he was still unsure whether it was more than a fantasy for him. He led Mer onward, suddenly sure and certain of what he wanted right now.

Mer seemed content to follow John’s lead today, and that gave John a sense of confidence he hadn’t even known he needed. His desire to sub was surprisingly dormant.

They came to the centre of the courtyard, a raised patio that was, like everywhere else, littered with sun-dappled bodies. Soft moans came from all around them, but in that moment John’s attention narrowed right down to him and Mer.

John took Mer’s hand, leading him up the three steps onto the patio and over to a backless bench that sat unoccupied. There was a lump in his throat suddenly, as he realised that he, John Sheppard, once career military, was now able to be here, naked with his male lover in the bright light of day, without shame or fear of discovery. Suddenly it was no surprise to him why he’d been so drawn to the idea of public sex. The reality of the feelings it brought up for him were so far from what he imagined as a simple kink.

As if kinks were ever simple.

‘Are you okay, John?’ Mer asked, no doubt noticing John’s eyes were a little moist.

‘More than,’ John replied, though his voice cracked as he spoke. He pulled Mer towards him and their kiss was searing hot and full of emotion. It went on for a very long time, and their bodies pressed closer and closer together, hands running up and down each other’s sides and backs and into each other’s hair, while their hips pressed together and erections nuzzled into one another.

‘I want to do everything with you,’ John said, ‘right here in the open, I want to take our sweet time and drive each other nuts. Then I want to fuck, long and slow, you in me, then me in you.’ He ran a fingertip the length of Mer’s cock and Mer shivered.

‘I could go for that,’ Mer said with a smile. 

John, tweaked Mer’s nipples, eliciting a groan of pleasure from his lover, then pushed him down until he was sitting on the bench. John sat the opposite way round to Mer so that they were side-to-side but also face-to-face. John kissed Mer long and slow, pulling at his bottom lip and then opening him up with his tongue. Mer just melted into him, giving little sighs and letting his mouth be taken. John’s hands began wandering with glacial slowness over Mer’s body, eventually finding their way to his cock, stroking it with loose strokes, in no hurry to get him anywhere.

They were bathed in warm air and golden light, and all around them was the sound of lovers, and the distant song of birds. Mer’s cock was silky and responsive in his hand, his hips beginning to push towards John, frustrated by the way he was teasing. 

‘Fuck, John, you’re drive me absolutely crazy! You’re the hottest thing in the universe, you know that, right?’ 

John didn’t know that, but he believed it when Mer said it. He just grinned at Mer and by way of a reply, slid along the bench until he could lean down and take Mer in his mouth.

He was giving his lover a blowjob in front of all these people. That thought alone went straight to his dick, which was painfully hard and leaking and deliberately being ignored by both of them. John pulled off for a second and looked around the courtyard. Most folks were doing their own thing, but a few eyes were on him. He met the curious, gentle gaze of a solitary guy who was enjoying the sun a few feet away. John held the gaze as he grinned, and then his mouth closed back down over Mer’s length.

By the time he looked up again, the man had gone, but there were other eyes on them still. 

Yeah, being watched was a major turn on, but probably because of the context. He could imagine in some situations it would simply be creepy. Here, it was fucking liberating.

He pulled off Mer and slid back up his body, mouthing his chest and nipples en route.

‘Wait right here,’ he said, giving Mer a filthy kiss. He got up and went to one of many low tables scattered around the courtyard containing vessels of water for drinking, and oil for . . . well, anything you might want oil for. There were also condoms, and John grabbed a couple, along with a tall vessel of water and a small bowl of oil. Satedan polymer science was a century ahead of Earth’s and their condoms were virtually indestructible. The two of them didn’t usually use condoms with each other (though they did with everyone else), but it was the rule here.

When he came back to the bench, John straddled Mer’s lap, with a knee either side of his thighs. He kissed Mer again, and ground against him, then reached for the oil.

‘Let me?’ Mer asked, and John passed him the bowl. Mer slicked a finger with oil and teased John slowly, far more thorough than he needed to be. There was something about the hot afternoon air that slowed everything down. It made their movements languid but their arousal all the greater. They were wrapped up in warm air, cosy as a blanket. The tiniest of breezes caressed their skin and heightened everything even more.

Mer took forever to prep John even though John was being fucked so regularly he could virtually go without prep at all. John didn’t feel impatient, knowing all good things would come to him in time. Being teased and denied was one of his favourite things. But eventually, there really wasn’t any excuse for Mer to keep on fingering his ass, no matter how good it felt, no matter how much the very occasional strokes of his prostate were driving him crazy.

John rolled a condom onto Mer and lined his dick up, sinking down slowly, all the way to the hilt. Then, he moved his legs so they wrapped around behind Mer, and pulled himself hard against his lover, causing Mer to give out a loud, unselfconscious moan. John bent down to swallow the moan with his mouth, fucking his tongue into Mer as he pulled the two of them closer and closer. Mer’s arms tightened around him and John’s heels pressed into Mer’s ass, his arms tight round Mer’s shoulders. In the bright heat it was almost suffocatingly intense.

John had no intention of moving, but he began to contract the muscles surrounding Mer’s cock, wanting to test out if his lover could come from that alone, the ripples of sensation along his cock amid the perfect stillness of their bodies. From the little sighs and moans Mer made into John’s hungry mouth, it was certainly having an effect. Slowly, Mer was losing the ability to coordinate his lips into kissing and was merely sighing into John’s mouth, his breath catching with every contraction of John’s ass. 

John’s lips finally left Mer’s and began to trail down his neck and throat, eliciting a chorus of expletives and affirmatives that were increasingly frantic, until finally John sucked and bit at a single spot just above Mer’s collarbone until his lover broke apart beneath him, coming so hard he shook and cried out. John carried on holding him tightly and milking Mer’s cock with his muscles until his lover turned almost liquid in his arms.

They stayed like that, recovering from the intensity of the experience, letting the slight breeze cool the sweat on their skin.

John’s head was tipped onto Mer’s shoulder and Mer pressed a kiss into his temple.

‘So fucking beautiful, John,’ Mer’s voice sounded awed. Sometimes, John struggled to believe how loved he was despite the evidence that was right here in his arms, shining through in Mer’s voice.

‘Love you so much,’ he mumbled into Mer’s hot, slick skin.

The coconut smell of sunscreen on his lover’s skin reminded him suddenly that Mer’s capacity to burn was several times greater than his own.

‘Shall we find some shade before we resume this?’ he suggested, and Mer nodded lazily. ‘C’mon,’ John added, easing himself out of Mer’s lap and disposing of the condom in a nearby receptacle. They both took a while to leave the bench, but then John took Mer by the hand and led him to the shaded side of the courtyard, finding a stretch of inviting, soft lawn that was deep in afternoon shadow. Mer looked at the green lawn suspiciously, and John thought for a second that Mer’s texture and allergy issues were going to halt play, but Mer tentatively reached down and stroked the velvety green and, realising it was nothing like grass, gave a pleased hum and allowed himself to be pushed gently down. 

John was still fully hard, but in no hurry to do anything about it. The thought of fucking his lover in public was intoxicating. John had known for a while now that his brain was his favourite sex organ, that allowing himself to think about what he wanted was sometimes as enjoyable as doing it, if not more so.

The shade was cooling them along with the breeze, taking the edge off heat that had started to feel oppressive. John walked his fingers with firm strokes across Mer’s flushed skin, taking his time to connect to every part of his lover. Following on from his fingers, he began to mouth and kiss and nip at Mer in random places. 

‘Turn on your front,’ John instructed, and Mer stretched out before him, resting his forehead on folded arms, which made his broad, muscled shoulders flex beautifully. John bit into those muscles gently, then drifted down Mer’s spine with firm kisses and massaging hands. His mouth pressed further down, tongue teasing at Mer’s crack.

‘This okay?’ He checked in, even though they had of course previously discussed what each of them were comfortable with in terms of public display. In Mer’s case, that was pretty much everything, since he’d been going to sex clubs since his late teens. He wasn’t an exhibitionist like John, but he had very little shyness or shame around sex.

Mer nodded, pushing his ass back towards John just a little to emphasise his desire. John sank his hands into the soft skin of Mer’s perfect ass cheeks, parting them enough for him to flick his tongue against the puckered hole beneath. Mer squirmed and pressed his hips down into the grass, clearly less to get away from John and more to gain some friction on his cock. John slapped his ass hard. 

‘Stay still and let me run this!’ John said. Mer whined, but there was more pleasure than protest in it.

John loved the effect spanking had on Mer, and he couldn’t pretend he didn’t enjoy the feel of his hand impacting those perfect cheeks. So, he delivered a few more hard smacks in quick succession, and then immediately dove his tongue straight into Mer’s hole. Mer’s quivering responsiveness to this was thoroughly gratifying, as he teased and fucked his lover loose with his tongue, eventually reaching for the oil and fingering Mer until he was whining and begging.

So John smacked him some more, reminding his lover that everything was going to happen in John’s own time. Of course, by this time John was desperate himself, seeing his lover spread out in front of him, yearning to be fucked.

‘Turn over,’ he ordered, and Mer rolled languidly, revealing his sculpted body and his hard, leaking cock. John gave his lover a long, sensuous kiss, and then rolled on a condom and lubed up his own thus far ignored cock. He pushed Mer’s knees back towards his chest and pressed himself against Mer’s hole. 

Suddenly he remembered that he was in public. The world had narrowed to just him and Mer, but he felt a moment’s self-consciousness that he was about to have gay sex in full view of a hundred or so people. He raised his eyes to look round him. People were looking, sure, but only idly or appreciatively. There was no judgement or voyeurism in the gazes. Neither were he and Mer the only people putting on a show. There was plenty of fucking happening all around them. Not 10 feet away from where they lay, a woman had her fist wrist deep in a man’s ass, making him groan with pleasure. In the other direction, a pair of women were in the midst of a hard fuck.

There was nothing remarkable about what he was about to do, and John let go of his self-consciousness, instead allowing the positive feelings to wash over him. He was having outdoor sex with a human he adored, surrounded by all manner of hot acts and the sound effects that went with them.

Unable to hold back any longer, he sank down into Mer, letting himself be swallowed deep. They both sighed, and Mer met his eyes with a look of total trust and love. John held there for a moment returning the gaze with the same intensity. But he wasn’t able to go slow any longer, he’d reached the limit of his patience. He pulled out, and slammed back in hard, making sure he hit Mer’s prostate, but beyond that incapable of finesse.

‘Yes, please,’ Mer moaned, ‘fuck me hard!’ 

John thrust in again, and set up an intense rhythm, pistoning into Mer’s fluttering heat. Mer’s moans were possibly louder than they would have been in private and John’s matched them, unworried about who might hear. They drowned out the nearby man being fisted and the hard-fucking women. John was pretty certain this was the hottest thing he’d ever experienced, and he didn’t want it to end, even though his desire had reached the point that he couldn’t go slow any more.

He could feel his orgasm building in every cell of his body, and he tried desperately to hold it off just a little longer, let himself enjoy the feel of slamming into Mer’s body and the way Mer responded to the almost-violence of the fucking.

‘John, John, John! I need to . . . please!’ John had almost forgotten how much control he had taken here, and Mer asking his permission to come made this a million times hotter. Trying to hold off his own orgasm, he reached between them and began to jerk Mer hard. He delayed just a punishing few seconds longer as Mer whined in desperation.

‘Fuck, yes! Come for me!’ He shoved in, deep and hard, his hand pumping Mer’s orgasm out of him as his lover cried out over and over. Still John managed to hold back his own release, focused on undoing his partner, wringing every last drop of pleasure from him until it tipped into almost-pain.

Only when Mer was sated, trembling, limp and spent beneath him, did John allow himself finally to focus on his own pleasure. How he had held on to his orgasm he did not know, but now he pushed one of Mer’s legs back to the ground and stretched himself on top of his lover, kissing him deeply before beginning to fuck into him with tiny, hard, very fast thrusts.

‘Oh, yes, John, that’s it,’ Mer was gaining pleasure from John’s taking and it was everything. John was shaking with the intensity of all that he was feeling, fucking into his partner almost mindlessly, but never losing sight of the intense emotions that heightened everything that happened between them. He was crying out in a landscape of sighs and moans and cries from other lovers and this was at once pure sex, intense and raw and at the same time deep love and trust.

‘Fuck, fuck yes! God Mer . . . love you.’ John’s hips bucked into Mer in an intense orgasm, shaking through him uncontrollably. He collapsed down into Mer’s arms, which wrapped around him like a tight protective circle. The now-familiar tears hovered in his eyes but didn’t spill.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Look, this is a weird thing to ask, but how much do you want me to be myself at this thing?’ Mer asked John as they packed for their trip Earthside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying this story (or not) please drop a comment! Writers need rewarding :-)
> 
> Content note: AU version of S4E15 Outcast, bereavement, estrangement. 
> 
> Bathroom sex, edging, orgasm control
> 
> Also warning for John's very clumsy era-typical way of parsing Mer's non-binary trans identity.

‘Look, this is a weird thing to ask, but how much do you want me to be myself at this thing?’ Mer asked John as they packed for their trip Earthside. 

‘I always want you to be a hundred percent you, Mer,’ John was puzzled by the question, but his brain wasn’t exactly operating at maximum since Elizabeth had told him the news of his father’s death.

‘No, listen. I do own a suit back in Colorado but I had it made specially and it has kind of a feminine cut to it so I . . .’

Oh. Of course, John realised that Mer was okay in uniforms that were worn by men and women alike, or in jeans and T-shirts, but he struggled with overtly masculine clothing. If it was something only men wore, Mer had said before it felt like wearing drag, a costume, something not meant for him.

Sometimes, John wondered if Mer was . . . sort-of transgender? Was that a thing? Mer didn’t see himself as a man or a woman, and John had only heard of trans women or men, but surely you could be in-between? The lack of words for this was frankly frustrating, but one thing John was certain of was Mer would be miserable if he had to spend the day in a guy’s suit.

He walked up to Mer, slipping his arms around his partner. 

‘I want you to wear what makes you comfortable, Mer.’ He said, planting a kiss against the side of his lover’s head. 

‘Like I didn’t know you’d say that,’ Mer managed to sound both fond and exasperated at the same time, a combination John was more than used to. ‘Trouble is, John, that this needs to be about you and what you need. Now, I’m more than happy to stand out as your obviously effeminate lover, if that would give you satisfaction . . .’

John thought about this, and the idea of bringing Mer to his father’s funeral as a big “fuck you” to the man who called him a fairy was certainly appealing. But the trouble was Mer was a person, a human not a neon sign to be carried around and shoved in people’s faces.

‘. . . and I’m equally happy to tone it down, because I get that in your circles even the absence of a necktie might be seen as “causing a scene”.’

Mer wasn’t wrong about that, but honestly John turning up with his queer lover would be “causing a scene” no matter what they both wore.

‘So basically, I want you to tell me what’s right for you and think of yourself in this. It’s hard enough losing a father you were estranged from, and I don’t want to make it any harder.’

‘Can I think about it?’ John asked at last.

‘Of course.’

Three hours later, at John’s request, Mer was fucking him hard and fast against the wall in an SGC bathroom. John’s arms were spread-eagled, Mer’s hands clasped tightly over his, pressing him into the cold tiles. John’s legs were spread as far apart as the pants shoved down below his knees would permit, his forehead pressed against the wall.

They’d fucked before they set out for Earth, just an hour ago. John didn’t fully understand his desperation, but it was overwhelming. They had no lube – it was in the bag a helpful airman had taken ahead to their car – but there was still enough left from their last fuck for Mer to be able to push into him with just the right amount of burn. 

‘Please,’ he said, and ‘harder,’ as Mer shoved inside him as if he was trying to merge their bodies into one. John shoved back, and it became a tussle, a frenzied back-and-forth of pushing and shoving and squirming against each other, the too-much-friction making it both awkward and somehow _better_ all the same.

‘Don’t come,’ Mer said as he bit down on John’s shoulder and trembled through his orgasm, jerking against John’s ass and sending shivers of need through John. John was shaking from the effort of holding back, and that was a painful sort of bliss, to be held right on the edge.

Someone had once told John death could make people reach for sex as a way of affirming life and he could see the truth in that. His need of Mer was almost frenzied and had been from the moment he’d found out his father was dead. Well, perhaps something was being liberated by the loss of the man who had nothing but contempt for any sign of non-conformity in his son. Or maybe he just wanted to feel something in place of the huge void of emptiness he had where grief should be. It was weird how agonising feeling nothing could be – like blood boiling in a vacuum.

Mer turned him around and gave him a fierce kiss.

‘Don’t think I don’t know what this is. How in pain you are,’ he said, gentling the kissing a little between his words. 

John didn’t want to think about that, just wanted to think about his throbbing erection, which he pressed against Mer’s hip.

‘I can blow you if you want,’ Mer offered, reaching between them and running a fingertip the length of John’s hard cock. ‘Or I could just leave you hanging. Or, indeed, I could do both.’

John shivered at that – yes, that. He wanted that. Wanted Mer’s attention to be never-ending, never concluding. 

Mer kissed John again, and, reaching into his pocket, pulled out a silicone cock ring and put it on John.

‘I knew there was a reason I grabbed this as we left. I know this won’t stop you from coming completely – but you’re not allowed. Ok? Not on your own, not with me, not until I tell you. I could even take you from here to that little sex shop in the Springs and put you in a cage until we get back to Atlantis. Would that help?’

John nodded mutely. Oh god, this was the best thing about dating a genius. Mer knew exactly how and when to take John’s pain away.

Then Mer kissed down John’s neck, and, pushing up his shirt, trailed down his torso, mouthing John’s cock gently at last and making him shake with want. John pressed his head back against the tiles and stroked his hands through the wavy hair that fell over Mer’s face. Mer pulled off his cock and got back to his feet, grabbing John by the wrists and pressing his hands above his head.

‘Keep them there,’ he said, and John groaned. _Fuck, yeah._

Mer got back down on his knees and lost no time in taking John’s cock deep and sucking hungrily. John was almost seeing stars with the effort not to come, but if Mer told him no, then that was unequivocal. 

Just when John thought he couldn’t hold on any longer, Mer pulled back, gentling his motion over John’s cock and soothing him back from the brink. John sighed. His balls were throbbing, his shoulders aching just right from holding his arms above his head. 

It was perfect.

As soon as he’d come back from the edge, Mer upped the ante, sucking harder and playing with John’s balls. John whined in desperation but held on through the torture. Mer repeated this tactic until John was practically delirious. It felt like it went on forever, but really this was just minutes of Mer’s skilled, tortuous edging. John became conscious, through the haze of pleasure/pain, that not only were they in an SGC bathroom (a lockable, single occupancy one, thank god), but Mer was on his knees on the hard floor.

For John.

And all at once John’s heart filled. He went from feeling like a speck of nothing spinning in a cold universe to realising how in many ways he was at the centre of Mer McKay’s world.

So loved.

And dammit, here came the tears. Not just slipping down his cheeks as they usually did but heaving through his body in great sobs. Mer pulled off him and looked up, his blue eyes suddenly tender.

‘It’s okay, John, you can let go,’ John sank to the floor, an undignified heap, pants round his ankles and tears staining his cheeks. Mer just held him tightly through his sobs, and then put him back together again sometime later, in the strange, peaceful aftermath.

‘We have a plane to catch, John,’ Mer reminded him eventually. ‘And I still need to know whether I’m swinging by my flat or going shopping for a new suit.’

‘I want you to be yourself,’ John said, kissing him softly. ‘Because you’re what matters to me, Mer. Not them. Never them. Asking you to hide who you are for their sake would hurt me as much as it would hurt you.’


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John was back at Haven, but this time he was alone, wearing a few coloured wristbands that signalled exactly what he was here for, and sitting awkwardly in one of the indoor rooms designed to meet strangers for play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the story gets angsty, with the introduction of a Very Creepy Dom. Content note for undernegotiated scene, lack of aftercare, manipulation, humiliation, lots of derogatory sexual language, lots of red flags, no strings sex, face fucking, ambivalent feelings of attraction and repulsion, self-doubt undermining John's alarm bells. This is still just about consensual but definitely not how consent should be done and definitely not safe or sane.
> 
> Sadly, these characters straight out of bad porn exist irl. If you meet one, RUN.

John was back at _Haven_ , but this time he was alone, wearing a few coloured wristbands that signalled exactly what he was here for, and sitting awkwardly in one of the indoor rooms designed to meet strangers for play. There were desires he wanted to explore that he couldn’t with Mer or Ronon, experiences he felt like he’d missed, coming out so late in life.

He tried not to think too hard about what part his Dad’s recent death played in him pursuing certain desires right now.

He felt lost here without Mer at his side, though, and more anxious by a long mile than if he was facing down a wraith. It seemed like everyone was watching him and he didn’t like it. He skulked into a corner, wondering exactly what he was supposed to do.

‘Hello, sir,’ a familiar voice greeted him, and he looked up, into big brown eyes in a pale, broad, freckled face.

‘I haven’t been your CO for a long time, Jenson. Plus, we’re in a sex club – that kind of formality seems inappropriate.’ He was going to put that out there before he let himself start to feel uncomfortable about it. ‘It’s John.’

He remembered this guy well from his days of command. All-American jock, popular guy, a little cocky, a bit entitled, but easy enough to get along with.

‘Richie,’ the marine said, folding his tall, muscled body onto a seat close to John’s. ‘I didn’t know you came here.’

That didn’t seem to need an answer. John just shrugged. The guy was objectively sexy, but John wasn’t really moved by his presence. 

‘You don’t look too comfortable, if you don’t mind me saying so, John,’ there was something hard about Richie’s face that John was unsure of, and yet at the moment it was shaped into kindness. ‘Is this your first time here?’

‘Nope,’ John said and went quiet. Richie just sat watching him for the longest time. Eventually, John conceded a little more. ‘First time without my primary partner,’ he said.

‘Without your Dom,’ Richie guessed, and John shivered without knowing why. 

‘It’s not like that,’ he said, annoyed by the uncertainty in his voice.

‘Sure,’ Richie said, ‘next you’re gonna tell me you don’t like being on your knees.’ He reached across to tug at the light blue band on John’s wrist. On his own wrist was a band the same colour, but with a darker line running through it. ‘But I think this tells a different story.’

John shivered again, feeling unsettled and vaguely aroused. He still wasn’t attracted to Richie, but he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t interested in what Richie was peddling.

‘You have a pretty mouth, I’ve always thought so. I think I’d like to see that mouth around my cock,’ Richie was blunt, stating facts rather than asking for something. John both loved and hated the feeling it stirred up in him.

John just looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He was glad that the way he was sitting concealed his growing erection. He really wasn’t sure about this at all, and at the same time something in him really wanted to play.

‘Listen, I have to go. You have a nice night, you hear?’ Richie got up suddenly and left, leaving John completely confused.

***

John felt unsettled for a long time after Richie left. Eventually, he was approached by another man – tall, long-haired. From the look of him, he was from the same region as Ronon, and almost as beautiful.

The man sat close, smelling of Belkan spices and just faintly of sweat. 

‘You’re John Sheppard.’ The man said, and John flushed for a second, embarrassed to be recognised for the second time tonight, and then he realised it didn’t matter.

‘Yeah. Hi.’ John felt suddenly shy, longing for Richie to come back and order him to his knees, because that would be so much easier than figuring out how to get off with a stranger at a club.

His name was Delin, and it took about an hour for John to discover how good those full lips tasted. After that, things progressed a little more quickly, and John soon found himself sliding down between the man’s legs, undoing the ties at his waist and freeing his cock. He rolled on a condom and then lost no time in taking Delin into his mouth. From the slow build, the finale was over somewhat quickly, and John damn near came in his pants when the other man groaned and shook through his climax, fingers tangled in John’s hair.

When he was done, Delin pulled him into a kiss, and reached between his legs, but John declined the man’s touch, he enjoyed the feeling of being on the edge, the hardness pressing against his jeans.

Delin was sweet and John was glad that this was his first experience of a no strings hookup. But after the man left, John wasn’t ready to go.

And then Richie found him again. It gave John an odd mixture of relief and apprehension.

‘You look like you need rescuing. A guy like you doesn’t do well cut loose like this,’ the other man said.

‘No?’ John felt irritated by this, even if it was true.

‘No. And you know it. You’re someone who needs to be owned and dominated. Tied down . . . literally.’

John didn’t answer, but this time he was standing, and unable to hide the way his dick was answering for him.

‘Never could understand how a guy like you ended up in command. You were made to be commanded. I think right now you’d like me to tell you what I want you to do for me.’

Yeah, John wanted that. Wanted someone to take him by the hand and help him navigate his own desires. Even the repulsion he felt towards Richie, the faint warning bells, turned him on. And maybe the disgust was nothing more than his father’s lingering voice?

Richie grabbed John’s arm hard enough to bruise.

‘Come with me,’ he said, leading John away before John had a chance to agree or disagree. He just went along with it, curious as much as uncertain.

Richie took him to a wall that was full of bondage items and reached down a pair of linked leather cuffs. 

‘Turn around,’ he ordered, and John did as he was told, a little unsure why. 

Richie fastened John’s arms together behind his back. Then, he renewed his bruising grip on John’s bicep and lead him away, this time taking John into a room he had not been in before. The room had a cushioned floor and many padded benches arranged in a haphazard fashion. There was a lot of fucking going on in here, and it was mainly men. Bent over the furniture, pushed up against the wall, down on their knees on the padded floor, half the guys in the room were taking cock in their mouths and asses, while the other half were doing the fucking.

‘Quite a sight, isn’t it?’ Richie asked, his hand waving past the scene they were taking in. He sat down on a highish bench and spread his legs, pulling out and stroking his cock and looking at John with anticipation.

‘Time for you to put that pretty mouth to use,’ he said, pointing at the floor between his spread legs. ‘Kneel for me.’

This was John’s perfect fantasy, and he wanted it badly. So why was there hesitation?

‘Oh God, please don’t tell me you’re a cock tease. I have no time for that shit. On your knees, now. Or fuck off. Your choice.’ 

John nearly turned and walked away, but he was here to have experiences, here to explore his fantasies, and he couldn’t pretend this wasn’t one of his fantasies. So he sank to his knees, and looked at Richie expectantly.

‘Good boy,’ Richie said, petting John’s hair. John had never been called boy before and he wasn’t sure about it, but his dick was.

‘Now, boy, I want you to use your tongue, take it slow. Pay some attention to my balls and cock head while I watch the scenery.’ The man rolled on a condom as he spoke.

John was beginning to get into this, and the moment he took Richie’s cock into his mouth, it started to feel right. He gently mouthed the head, running his tongue along that bundle of nerves and making Richie shiver. Then he mouthed and licked down the shaft and began to suck and lick at Richie’s balls. It was awkward, because Richie’s cock was flopping in his face. He wished he had free hands, and there was something humiliating about being bound before this relative stranger.

The humiliation was kind of getting him off, and that was another surprise.

‘Oh yes, such a good little slut, why am I not surprised John Sheppard is hungry for cock? And not just cock hungry, a desperate little submissive.’ Richie sounded like bad porn and it was oddly arousing.

John filed all of these statements away, trying to ignore how much they were turning him on, and equally trying to ignore how much they made him want to stand up and run. Instead, he took Richie’s cock back into his mouth, and deep throated him, trying to hurry things along a little. He swallowed around the head lodged in his throat and Richie sighed.

‘Fuck, yes, that’s most impressive, but I didn’t tell you to do that. You want to play with me, you do as I say.’ Richie grabbed John’s hair hard and painfully and pulled his head away.

‘If you were mine, I’d punish you for that.’

Dammit. Why did that rev John’s engine so much? He was beginning to think this guy was a creep, but Richie also pushed all of his buttons hard. He reminded himself he was just playing, he didn’t have to like the guy.

He continued to lick Richie’s cock and mouth the shaft and the balls beneath for what seemed like forever. All around him, he could hear sighs and moans of people getting off, and Richie seemed more interested in the rest of the room than in John. He tried to get Richie’s attention by pressing little, nipping kisses to the most sensitive places and eventually Richie let out a sigh.

‘Do you face fuck?’ He asked, and John nodded. ‘Okay, if you need to safeword, tap me on the thigh. But I’ve got to say, I’ll be pretty disappointed if you can’t take it.’

Richie didn’t wait any longer, he just grabbed John’s head and pulled it hard against his groin, shoving into John’s throat with hard little thrusts for what seemed like forever. 

‘There’s a good boy, take it all like a good bitch.’

John was struggling, unable to breathe but not wanting to pull back, not wanting to be a disappointment. He could feel himself getting lightheaded, and was just about to tap Richie on the thigh when Richie released him and he took a few gasping breaths before Richie shoved back in, hard. This pattern seemed to go on forever, and John all but disappeared, allowing himself to fall into that place where it was okay just to be something to be used rather than a person in his own right. He would never understand why he had that fantasy but here it was finally happening, not role-play but in reality, someone just using his mouth to fuck into with no regard for him at all.

‘Such a good boy, such a perfect cock whore,’ Richie thrusts were getting increasingly brutal and John was feeling more and more spaced out, partly from lack of oxygen. His own cock was hard and leaking, but it was secondary to the pleasure of the man using him.

‘Fuck, I’m gonna come!’ Richie held his head hard against his groin as he trembled through his climax. ‘Ahhhhhhh! Fuck! Such a good slut.’

Eventually, he released John, and John could finally breathe, gasping air back into his lungs. Richie ignored him, going back to watching the other people in the room. John stayed kneeling, his dick painfully hard, his mind whirring in confusion. What was that, and did he want more of it? It was the stuff of his fantasies, and it had been incredibly hot, but objectively, this guy was an asshole and he should probably get a long way away from him.

At last, Richie turned to John and ran a hand over his head, tightening on his crown. 

‘Don’t pretend you’re hard done by, boy, when you just got exactly what you wanted. You can kid yourself all you like, but this is what you’ve really been looking for, this is what you want to explore, and I’m just giving you what you crave.’

John didn’t know what to say to that, his mind was wavering between calling this truth and calling it bullshit.

‘Listen, I like you,’ Richie said, ‘and I’m between subs, so I’m going to be in touch, ok?’ He zipped himself up and left.

John just sat there, silent, wondering why he hadn’t told the man to fuck off. He couldn’t wait to get back to Mer, but at the same time something uneasy in his gut was playing over Richie’s words, wondering what it meant that he’d found that whole scene as arousing as it was unsettling.

‘John,’ a voice came from beside where John was sitting, staring into space, sometime later.

 _Christ._ He startled. This whole anonymous sex thing wasn’t quite working out as planned. Everyone seemed to know him tonight. He looked up and dissolved into relief to find Evan’s warm, concerned eyes on him.

‘Are you okay?’ Evan sat down next to John, moving to about a one-centimetre distance and allowing John to close the final gap, leaning into his friend.

John just shrugged, not knowing how to answer.

‘I, er . . . I saw Jenson leading you off earlier. I don’t get the best vibe off that guy.’

‘Huh. Me neither, as it happens.’ John shivered with residual feelings of arousal and repulsion. ‘M’okay, just . . . rattled.’

Lorne took his hand, and John settled a little. Mer would tell him he always needed aftercare if he’d been in submission, and Richie had given none. But Richie was a better match for some of the stories John really got off on, and stuff like aftercare wasn’t a reality in those hardcore scenes.

Still, John couldn’t pretend it didn’t feel good having Evan here, nor that he didn’t understand what his friend was doing.

‘You’ve been through something big, John.’ Evan said at last, brushing the hair back from his face with affection that made him melt around the edges. ‘Losing your father, I mean. Try and be kind to yourself, if you possibly can.’

Huh. That was never gonna happen.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Will you . . . I want to be hurt. Punished. You once said that if I asked, you would do that for me.’
> 
> Mer was silent for the longest time, his hand rubbing circles into John’s shoulder.
> 
> ‘No. I’m sorry, but no.’ He said at last. ‘I cannot in all conscience punish you for something that wasn’t your fault'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Major warning for second section of chapter**: date rape/sexual assault, drugged rape/sexual assault, sharing fluids without consent, sadism, humiliation, verbal abuse, coercion, gaslighting, self-gaslighting, self-blame, internalised ableism re ADHD, caning, cock and ball torture, other painplay, spider gag, heavy D/s, bondage, punishment, face fucking, ignoring of agreed boundaries, being made to feel complicit in/aroused by own abuse, Creepy Dom.
> 
> The second section of this chapter can be skipped. It's very graphic and John is in an altered state so goes through a rollercoaster of emotions at the hands of Richie the creepy Dom.
> 
> Emetophobia warning for final section of chapter, rape aftermath.
> 
> Canon character death, aftermath of AU S4E4 Doppelganger.

The fact that it was Thursday morning, 10 am and it was dark outside never ceased to throw John, but right now the day and time had far greater significance, poleaxing him so that he could barely function. He’d got up as usual but crawled back into bed as the clock struck the arbitrarily enforced hour.

They had tried for years to adjust Earthers to local time, but it turned out that it wasn’t as easy as all that to change people’s biorhythms. Now, the city council allowed all its citizens to work and live to the rhythm of their home planets if they chose, and it was expected that everyone’s schedules were taken into account; it was the height of impoliteness to schedule a meeting in the middle of somebody’s sleep cycle.

A week ago, John had been telling Kate about how his deep, messed up issues around trusting himself were manifesting in his relationship with Mer. His father came into the conversation as much as he ever did, but honestly John was beginning to feel that grip loosen. He knew he shouldn’t be glad of the man’s death, but it had brought him more liberation than sorrow.

And yet, in some ways John could feel Patrick Sheppard’s presence more strongly now, if only in his leaving.

A week ago, John had been thinking that maybe Kate was actually helping him more than he admitted, had come through for him when he started to open up about his kinks, his ADHD. She’d helped him get an ADHD diagnosis and look at adjustments to the way he worked. He’d even managed to go near dead mother territory with Kate, and that was nothing short of a miracle.

Although Mer was the person he trusted most in the world, and Teyla and Ronon were close on his heels, there were things that he had said to Kate that he had never said to anybody else.

And now Kate Heightmeyer was dead and it was John’s fault. Because he’d been impulsive and reached out and touched like a child, a stupid fucking child. Knowing that Kate had died seeing John’s face in her dreams was something he didn’t know how he was going to live with. The one person he could talk to about stuff like that was Kate herself, and she was gone.

Mer had left for work the same time John did that day, but now John heard the whoosh of their front door and Mer’s footsteps coming into the apartment. He entered the bedroom quietly, stripping out of his uniform down to a tee and boxers and climbed into bed, wrapping himself around John and holding on tightly. John wanted to push him away, didn’t feel he deserved this comfort. He was too angry with himself. He tensed in Mer’s arms, but Mer just squeezed back gently.

‘Mer?’ John asked, after the longest time. 

‘Yeah?’

‘Will you . . . I want to be hurt. Punished. You once said that if I asked, you would do that for me.’

Mer was silent for the longest time, his hand rubbing circles into John’s shoulder.

‘No. I’m sorry, but no.’ He said at last. ‘I cannot in all conscience punish you for something that wasn’t your fault or collude with what you’re doing to yourself right now. I saw Keller reach out to touch it, completely mesmerised and out of her own control. This was a malign entity that used you, John. None of this is your fault and it has nothing to do with your ADHD.’

John couldn’t count how many times Mer had said these exact things to him in the last five days. It didn’t matter. There was no way he was going to shake the belief that he’d killed Kate, and he desperately wanted to make himself pay for it.

***

_So I hear you really fucked up, boy. Wanna be taken out of your head?_

It was Richie. Who, despite having shown an interest, had not been in touch with John since their encounter at _Haven_ many weeks before. Since that time, John had played with a couple of lovely guys, and hadn’t really thought much more about Richie. 

John wasn’t stupid, he could see the timing for what it was, a way of getting under John’s skin while he was vulnerable. He knew the guy was a bit of an asshole, but frankly he was pretty sure that was what he deserved right now, and it was certainly what he needed.

After a careful exchange outlining their rules and limits with each other, John agreed to visit Richie for a scene. He wasn’t stupid, he might want to be punished but he knew enough to know he still needed to call the shots. Richie made a better impression this time, taking the time to find out exactly what John was looking for and giving him plenty of reassurance around his boundaries. John felt relieved. He had a sense that whatever else Richie was, he was the right guy at the right time and was a very experienced Dom.

He arrived prepped and plugged at Richie’s quarters dead on nineteen hundred hours, Earth time, just as instructed. Richie let him in silently, but as soon as the door was closed, he barked an order coldly.

‘Strip. And kneel.’ John felt a frisson of both desire and relief at the words. If Richie could get him out of where his head was at, he’d probably change his opinion about the man.

John took his clothes off without any show and folded them neatly. He looked at the hard floor and winced inwardly before sinking to his knees and lowering his eyes. Mer would have offered him a pillow, but that was the reason he was coming to Richie right now.

‘Okay, boy. This is gonna be hard because that’s what you want. I’m not gonna hold back with you or treat you like a prince the way your boyfriend does. We both know you need rough treatment.’

Yeah. This was exactly what John needed right now. He needed someone who was asshole enough to say the things he deserved to hear instead of being kind.

‘From this moment, you do as I say,’ Richie slid his fingers into John’s hair and pushed his head back to meet his eyes. ‘You can safeword, of course, and if you do, we’ll end the scene, no debates. You call me Sir or Master at all times. Understood?’

John nodded, and Richie immediately slapped him across the face.

‘You need to do better than that, boy.’

‘Sorry Sir . . . yes Sir.’ John’s voice was mechanical, like he was back in training.

‘Better. Now, boy, what are you here for tonight?’

‘For punishment, Sir.’ John wanted to be punished so desperately he didn’t care about who was delivering it. He just wanted to get lost in pain.

‘Good boy.’ He ran a hand down John’s face and it felt almost like affection. ‘I warn you, this will be intense, but you’re gonna learn something valuable here.’

Richie fetched cuffs and put them on John’s wrists and ankles, then made him crawl to his wall fixings, where he hoist John’s hands above his head until he was almost on tiptoe, then fixed his legs apart with a spreader bar. With John’s ongoing shoulder problems, the position was already painful, and it wasn’t the good kind of pain. John wasn’t about to say anything about that, but Richie noted his wince.

‘If you’re serious about being a real sub, John, you need to learn some discipline, and we both know that’s something you need help with.’ Richie put a hand on John’s arm, gripping it. It grounded him a little, but his heart was thumping in his chest, his breathing shallow. John had been told he lacked discipline his whole life – maybe it was his ADHD but he felt like a failure, now more than ever. If he gave someone else control, perhaps they’d do a better job with his life.

‘Right. We are going to start up with 30 strikes for what happened to Heightmeyer,’ Richie was going to use the cane, as agreed. John hadn’t ever wanted to be caned, knew he wouldn’t enjoy it, but he desperately wanted it now. ‘I want you to count them. And don’t forget, you call me _Sir._ ’ Without delay, he brought the cane down hard against John’s ass.

John jumped, but the stinging pain was a welcome distraction from his shoulder. ‘One, Sir!’

The second was harder, it felt like his skin was being flayed. ‘Two, Sir!’

God, it was everything he wanted. By the tenth blow the strikes were hitting too hard in places that made John squirm and hiss and just want it over, and at the same time the pain erased _everything._ It was oddly peaceful and he felt a surge of gratitude towards the other man.

Thwack! At count seventeen, Richie took the cane across the backs of John’s thighs, and he began to cry from the pain. It was pure relief. The blows came harder and harder, and John stuttered on the count, feeling worn out and shaky.

‘T-twenty-nine, Sir!’ he eventually sighed, waiting for the final blow. It came stinging down across his buttocks so hard he knew he wouldn’t be able to sit comfortably for days. His face was a mess of tears and snot, and he was breathing like he’d run a marathon, but at the same time, he felt exhilarated.

Richie turned him around and scrubbed his messy face with a damp cloth, then offered him a drink – some cheap energy drink, a vivid blue in colour. John took a great glug – it was disgusting, but he needed something for his exhaustion and thirst.

‘You took that well, boy. There may be hope for you.’

Richie unfastened John’s arms and removed the spreader bar, then pushed John to his knees, fastening the cuffs behind his back. John was feeling a bit floaty and detached – the endorphins must be working their magic.

Richie pulled out his cock and was about to shove it in John’s mouth when John turned his head away.

‘Condom.’ He insisted. They’d agreed not to share fluids. 

‘Fuck’s sake!’ Richie exclaimed, but grudgingly rolled on a condom and fed John his cock.

‘Take your time with it boy, make it good,’ John began to mouth and lick at the other man’s shaft, feeling genuinely motivated to make it good for Richie. He’d been given what he wanted, after all. Least he could do was give him thanks. He found himself drifting on a sea of endorphins. The welts on his ass chafed against his heels and it _hurt_ but he didn’t care. He was totally focussed on getting his Dom off.

He began to suck harder and Richie sighed, running his fingers into John’s hair at first with affection but then grabbing a handful and pulling hard.

‘I think you need to give up a little more control. Find out what it’s like to _really_ be a sub.’ He reached into his nearby toy trunk and pulled out something John recognised as a spider gag. Then he gave John more of the revolting blue drink.

‘Drink while you can, the gag won’t be coming off for a while,’ Richie said coldly.

God, it was disgusting. John was nauseated by the chemicals-and-sweeteners concoction and hated the sticky residue it left as it ran down the corners of his mouth when Richie carelessly tipped it down his throat.

They hadn’t negotiated the gag, but John had always wanted to try one, and honestly if he hated it, so much the better. He was here to be punished.

He could safeword by clicking his fingers twice, if he needed to.

‘You’re not going to safeword, you’re going to take this like a good bitch,’ Richie said coldly, and John shuddered. At once aroused and repelled.

Richie fastened the gag onto John’s head, forcing his mouth wide open. Then he pushed on John’s shoulders until they rested against the wall behind him and leaned over him, one hand on the wall, the other shoving his cock into John’s open mouth.

John didn’t have much gag reflex, but he had limits; Richie had him choking and coughing, but paid him no mind. He pushed his cock down John’s throat and thrust carelessly.

‘This isn’t meant to be pleasurable for you, boy, this is for you to submit to. You’ll take what I give without complaint. This is what you truly want.’

John couldn’t argue with that even if he’d had the power of speech. He’d wanted this so badly; in all his fantasies this was exactly how he pictured things. On his knees, in complete submission, drooling around someone’s cock, totally without power.

‘Can you tell the difference with a real Dom, boy? We’re not playing here. I really do have the power and you really are here for my use, for me to hurt and dominate and humiliate and fuck. This isn’t just a game for a needy sub to pretend he’s there for his Dom when really it’s all about him.’

 _Ouch._ That hit home for John.

John was desperate to breathe, but Richie’s cock was lodged deep in his throat, obstructing his airway, while his nose was pressed hard into the musky nest of pubes and slightly protruding belly. John suddenly had panicked images of “sex games gone wrong”. He was feeling lightheaded and he really didn’t trust this man but even that excited him in a fucked-up way. He made a gurgling noise of protest in his throat, but that just made Richie grasp his head tightly and pump even harder.

At the point when John was about to finally snap his fingers, Richie released him, pulling out and walking across the room, leaving John gasping for breath. The man pulled something out of a drawer, and John watched with concern as Richie snorted a line of yellowish looking powder.

‘This is gonna keep me going all night!’ Richie said, and John stifled a groan.

Richie returned and shoved John back hard against the wall, shoving his cock back down John’s throat and leaning his body above him until he was completely constrained and smothered. 

And he pumped away and pumped away at John’s mouth for what seemed like hours, leaving John a gagging, choking, drooling mess, heaving in air whenever he got the chance, though there never seemed enough time between bouts of hard face fucking.

After a while, John could feel himself drifting into a kind of sub-space unlike anything he’d known before. If felt a little bit like ADHD brain-fog dialled up to eleven – he felt everything that was happening to him, if anything the pain was intensified, but it all felt disjointed and he noticed his reactions slowing, a passivity creeping over him as the other man used him and John watched on almost from outside of himself.

Finally, Richie pulled out of John without coming, and John wondered if the drug Richie took was going to make it hard for the man to orgasm. _Great._

‘Okay, bitch, let’s put you where you belong. On your back, with your legs spread.’

Richie frog-tied John to the top of a table, his already-plugged ass at the edge, just at fucking height. The welts on his ass throbbed against the hard, cold surface, and John’s throat was on fire. From his torture box Richie pulled a bunch of metal implements that looked like electrical clips. John knew what he was going to do with them, but unlike the ones Mer used these did not have rubber grips. When Richie fastened clips to John’s nipples, his nostrils flared and he breathed heavily around the gag. 

‘So pathetic. I’ve only just begun, boy.’ Richie wrapped a hand around John’s soft cock and jerked it, hard and merciless, until he was erect. Then he attached four more of the clips to John’s cock and two each to his testicles. By the time Richie was done, John was snorting like a wild stallion. The pain was beginning to blur and for that John was grateful.

Richie removed the spider gag and John worked his jaw, glad of the relief. It was short lived, as Richie gave John a little more of the gross energy drink and then gagged John again. This gag had a thick dildo attachment and it pushed to the back of John’s throat, leaving him in a continual state on the edge of choking.

‘Okay, so now for the real punishment. For killing Sumner and waking the wraith. For all the deaths under your command. For running away from the military but getting to keep your cushy job anyway while the rest of us sweat and die for the folks in charge here.’

Richie reached for what turned out to be a simple ruler. It looked innocuous enough, until John realised its target was his clamped nipples. Richie brought the ruler down on the clamps with a loud thwack and suddenly John was glad of the dildo to bite down on. Richie didn’t deviate – he tortured John’s nipples with single-minded focus until once more tears were streaming down John’s face. 

Accompanying the raining blows was a litany of verbal abuse. He was an entitled prince, a spoiled piece of shit, a lazy coward, a needy sub, an undisciplined whore. John thought a lot of it was probably true.

‘You need to let me break you, boy. That’s how you’re going to get absolution for all the terrible things you’ve done, all the deaths you’ve caused. I’m only doing this because you wanted it. This is your fantasy, boy, it’s all your doing.’

John didn’t completely buy that – he could tell a man with a grudge when he saw one. But, if he was getting ill-used, he knew he was using Richie right back. There was something cathartic about the pain he was enduring. It was beginning to morph into something else as the out-of-body feeling got stronger.

After what felt like forever, Richie moved his attention to John’s cock and balls, bringing down short stinging blows over and over. The pain of it blew John’s mind. He considered safewording for the first time, and then he panicked. Would Richie stop if John gave the agreed signal? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t trust this man, and suddenly John questioned how they were here doing things he never negotiated. He was a little confused why he’d gone along with things he hadn’t agreed to prior to the scene. Something in his head felt off.

Probably he was just overwhelmed – ADHD, grief, sub-space, pain. No wonder he wasn’t thinking things through properly. Should’ve been more careful. His mind went back to the thought of safewording.

‘Don’t you flake out on me, you worthless piece of shit,’ Richie growled, intensifying the hits, and again John’s mind hesitated.

John could still _choose_ to keep going. And right now that felt a less risky proposition than trying to get the other man to stop. He dug his teeth against the gag, letting the brutal pain rip through him relentlessly, and let himself fully submit to the torture. Maybe this was the thing he was supposed to learn.

After what seemed an eternity of pain, John zoned out. Or did he pass out? Later, he wasn’t entirely sure. His eyes fluttered closed and his mind retreated into a comforting void.

When he came back to himself, the first thing he noticed was the torture had stopped. The next was Richie’s cock inside his ass, pumping away, hard and careless. From the soreness he now felt, it seemed like he’d been there a while, and he wasn’t using quite enough lube for comfort. John hadn’t even noticed when the man had started fucking him, and that disturbed him more than a little. Everything felt disjointed and he was having a hard time piecing things together.

‘That’s it, bitch, all you’re really good for is a hole for my cock.’

These were the words John came back to and something deep inside him protested.

He was a _person_ , goddammit it. He’d let himself be a body to be used by the military. He’d narrowly escaped being a corporate drone for his father, who saw all people as things and measured them according to their usefulness to him. John had been the wrong sort of human to be a useful son. He’d spent the rest of his life making up for inadequacies that were really just differences.

If John wanted to play at the extremes of what it felt like to be used as an object, that was his own business. Maybe his kink was some way of working out his demons, and maybe it just got him off, nothing deeper than that. But he suddenly had absolute clarity that he didn’t need anyone else in his life grinding him into nothing. He was good enough at doing that to himself.

_Fuck._

He suddenly wanted to safeword, didn’t want any of this anymore. Felt a burning need to get away from Richie. The man continued to fuck away at him obliviously. John was acutely aware of the welts and bruises, the stiffness in his limbs, the hard surface against his spine and the nasty little clamps on his nipples and genitals. He kept trying to remember when the fucking had begun, increasingly troubled by the gap in his memory.

He should stop this.

‘You need this,’ Richie said, reaching down to remove the clips from John’s cock, which was currently as limp as ten-day-old lettuce, sending a flush of pain and heat into him. He began to jerk John, meanwhile taking a little more care to hit his prostate, until John was once again hard. ‘You needed to be broken. Need to see this through.’

Perhaps Richie was right. John was the expert in torturing himself, after all. Maybe he really did need this.

‘Don’t come till I tell you to,’ Richie ordered.

John was into denial enough to be properly aroused by this, even if the man giving the order was repelling him more and more. 

Okay, maybe there was something arousing about this whole situation. Maybe the coldhearted, selfish Dom was just another kink for John and he should chalk this up as one more fantasy explored. As Richie jerked him almost painfully, John moaned.

‘That’s my good slut, just a little more!’ Richie reached a hand to the clamps on John’s nipples and pulled them off carelessly, making him give a muffled cry through the gag. The pain intensified the pleasure so close to orgasm. John desperately needed to come, but he also took pride in his ability to hold out. 

‘When I take the clips off your balls, you can come for me,’ Richie said, immediately reaching down and pulling the clips off harshly. If John hadn’t been tied down he would have jackknifed from the pain, but Richie’s hand jerked his cock through the electric sensations running right into the roots of him, and this fired off an intense orgasm.

‘That’s it, you fucking whore, moaning on my cock.’ Richie jerked John until he was sensitive and painful, jabbing into his body as he did so in an increasingly staccato rhythm that told John finally the man was nearing completion. He grabbed John’s thighs, digging in with his nails and pounding into him.

‘Take my come like the slut you are!’ Richie slammed hard into John and came inside him.

John felt Richie’s come shooting deep into him and his heart froze. 

Maybe the condom broke? He craned his neck and watched as Richie pulled out of him, feeling repulsed by the feel of the man’s semen streaking his inner thigh as Richie pulled out. There was no condom in sight, and John felt a wave of fury rising up in him, only for it to meet a barrage of doubts. How had he not noticed? Surely he should have noticed the difference? 

He felt sick. Unsure if he was betrayer or betrayed. He felt stupid.

‘You didn’t use a condom,’ he said, his voice croaking from the brutal throat-fucking. 

‘And you didn’t say anything about it,’ Richie replied carelessly. ‘You would’ve safeworded if it was a problem.’

John tried to remember when they’d started fucking, but all he could remember was becoming aware of Richie inside of him and he didn’t really know what had happened. He felt weird – disorientated and out of control. Was he lying to himself? Editing out the memory because of his own guilt? Something was wrong with his head. He could feel himself brewing up an anxiety attack and dug his nails into his palms. He really didn’t need Richie to see him fall apart.

Fortunately, Richie wasn’t bothered with after-care. He untied John perfunctorily.

‘You can go now. I’ll call when I have use of you again.’ 

***

John was glad Richie made it so easy to leave and never return. He pulled on his clothes quickly and fled back to the safety of his apartment with an unsteady gait and a head that wouldn’t work properly. 

Mer was on the couch, tapping away at his laptop in a position that made John’s hypermobile back twinge in sympathy. He looked up at John with an enquiring smile.

‘Good date?’ He asked.

‘I guess,’ John replied, trying to sound casual by drawling his words, attempting to cover up the rasp in his voice. ‘Don’t think I’m gonna see him again, though,’ he added, as honest as he could be just now.

‘Fair enough,’ Mer responded, and then his gaze on John seemed to sharpen, ‘John, are you okay? Did something happen?’

‘I’m ok. I just need to get a shower,’ John evaded. 

He got himself to the shower and turned the waterfall-like feature up as hot as he could. Closed the outlet so the tub began to fill up. His skin hurt with a thousand different pains but they were nothing compared to what he was feeling inside.

He felt so fucking stupid for letting Richie fuck him without a condom. Betraying Mer for a mediocre fuck with a guy who wasn’t worth the dirt under Mer’s little finger.

Maybe he didn’t need to tell Mer. He washed himself out inside at least a half dozen times, expelling into the toilet. Richie was probably clean, they got tested enough here and at the SGC for it to be pretty safe.

Mer didn’t need to know. 

John couldn’t bear to tell him. Having good boundaries meant everything to Mer, there was no way he would accept John simply throwing away one of their cardinal rules.

 _But I didn’t know he wasn’t wearing a condom,_ John’s mind protested, but John just mocked himself. How could anybody be that stupid not to notice? How could Mer possibly believe him? John leaned his head against the wall and let the waterfall of water run over his aching body.

When the tub was full, John raised the water’s heat a little and shut off the shower, sinking down into the water. The pressure on his skin was a relief. His nerves were jangling, as close to panic as John ever got. Maybe it was the lack of after-care.

_Maybe it was the fact that Richie broke your boundaries._

John brushed that thought away again. He kept thinking of the man’s come running down his thigh. Jumping up, he went to the sink and threw up. His vomit was blue-stained and he shuddered, thinking of the foul drink Richie gave him. He still felt off, and he briefly wondered if he’d been drugged, but dismissed the idea.

_You’re just trying to make up excuses for yourself._

He rinsed the puke away and told himself to just forget it.

It really wasn’t that big a deal. It was just play that got a bit out of hand. He’d wanted a rough time and he’d got one.

He looked at the come-stained clothes on the floor and his heart fell. How was he ever going to keep this from Mer? How was he ever going to tell him? He reached over the edge of the tub and wrapped his clothes into a tight bundle, hiding the evidence. Then he sank back into the embrace of the water and let it be the aftercare he hadn’t got from Richie.

He’d probably been in the tub an hour, given he’d warmed the water back up three times, when Mer finally knocked. 

‘John? Can I come in?’

‘Yeah,’ John said with a sigh.

Mer came and knelt on the floor next to the tub, crossing his arms on the rim and looking at John intently.

‘You don’t have to tell me anything,’ Mer said, ‘but I want you to know you can. Tell me anything, I mean.’

John just bit down on the inside of his lip to stop himself from crying.

‘Would touch help?’ 

John shook his head. He felt untouchable, contaminated. 

‘Okay. Well, maybe you need some time to yourself, but John, don’t leave it too long to talk to someone.’

But that just made John think of Kate, and the whole reason he was in this mess in the first place. He didn’t feel any less guilty about her death and he still didn’t have the one person he could talk to about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After all that trauma you might like to check out these gorgeous drawings of Mer and John by the amazingly talented Salchat:
> 
> <https://archiveofourown.org/works/27489799?fbclid=IwAR18Clmj0SOuFkKLA2MQZJGF6g3VNIha15JHrApOn0i4ky6trnwsz3bwlxE>


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I’m worried and I don’t know what to do,’ Mer said at last. John didn’t know which was worse, the sadness, the hurt or the reproach he could hear in Mer’s voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: kidnapping, rape/sexual assault aftermath, brief mentions of assault details, self-blame, internalised homophobia, misogynistic self-talk, aggression towards partner, discussion of HIV risk, judgemental attitude from Keller
> 
> NB: PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) is not the same thing as PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis), which wasn't available in 2008.

‘I thought with all this ancient tech that you’d get results sooner than that?’ 

‘That’s not how it works,’ Keller told him, her voice cold. ‘HIV just doesn’t show up in the blood until at least four weeks after exposure. Now, I can get some Post-Exposure Prophylaxis sent through from Earth within the 72-hour window if you want to take it. That would protect you from contracting HIV. There are side effects, but it’s your safest course. Until you take it, you mustn’t have unprotected sex, and honestly I’d suggest you use protection for at least a month in case of other infections your . . . liaison . . . might have picked up offworld.’

The judgement coming off Keller was palpable. John was pretty sure he deserved it. It was no secret that Keller wanted Mer, and John wasn’t doing a good job right now of appearing the deserving partner. 

His mind kept flashing back to the previous night. He kept feeling that moment when Richie came inside of him, the sudden sense of his world turning upside down when he realised the man wasn’t using a condom. The sensations made his skin crawl, and he felt a sudden wave of nausea grip him.

‘I need to . . . sorry,’ he dashed into the nearby bathroom and gripped hard onto the sink, willing himself not to be sick. His brow was sweaty and his stomach felt full of rocks. John splashed cold water on his face and took a few sips in his hand.

_Pull yourself together, Sheppard._

Eventually, he rejoined Keller, dismissing her concern.

‘Something I ate, I think,’ he said casually, trying to bat away yet more unwanted images.

‘Sheppard, maybe I’ve been reading this situation wrong. Did this guy hurt you?’

 _Dammit, Keller, you’re the last person I need kindness from._ Something about her words made John feel extraordinarily shaky suddenly. 

‘Only when I asked him to,’ John replied, with a hard edge to his voice.

‘Oh. Well, okay then,’ Keller’s disapproving look was back, and honestly it made John feel like he was on safer ground.

‘So I wanna ask . . . we’re all regularly tested, so how often does HIV crop up in the military anyway?’ John could feel himself desperately trying to contain this, but he knew he sounded whiny and immature. He knew he had to face up to what he’d done.

‘More often than you think. Gay soldiers have been known to engage in risky behaviours because of the constraints of DADT. And we have a number of new recruits here on Atlantis. With the regular testing we do it is unlikely that HIV has been brought here, but it’s too early to tell for sure. You need to take precautions. And you need to tell Mer why, for his own safety.’

Her voice was hard, and more than a little condescending. John just nodded. What could he say? It wasn’t like he didn’t know what an asshole he’d been. And at some point he would tell Mer, he just needed to catch his balance and make sense of what happened enough to explain it to his partner.

‘I will,’ John assured her, turning to leave. Keller followed him out of her office, headed for the med lab.

‘Hey, what are you doing here?’ Mer’s voice came from one of the beds behind them. John turned to see his partner sitting on a bed with his legs dangling while a nurse bandaged his hand. Mer’s eyes flitted from Keller to John and back again, and a puzzled look crossed his face.

‘What happened to you?’ John went to Mer’s side, his own worries banished.

‘Just a little burn,’ Mer smiled at John. 

‘Not that little,’ the nurse . . . Valeria, if John remembered right . . . chided.

‘Dammit, Mer, I wish you’d be more careful,’ he said.

‘Well, in this case being more careful would have also meant taking more time, and it was time I didn’t have,’ Mer retorted.

‘But you had time to come visit me? I’m flattered,’ Valeria teased.

Mer rolled his eyes. ‘Fair point. Can I go now?’

Valeria nodded.

‘Wanna walk me back?’ Mer asked John.

‘I can’t. I gotta . . .’ he gestured vaguely with his hand, not actually having a decent excuse for avoiding his partner, but not wanting to give Mer the excuse to question him.

Mer jumped up from the table. ‘Oh. Okay, I’ll see you later?’ There was a hint of disappointment in his voice, and it made John feel like shit. Mer reached out and squeezed John’s arm, and John tried to hide the flinch this induced.

What was _wrong_ with him? He was acting like some fainting heroine from a period novel, when had he got so delicate? He reminded himself that he was the man who dragged his dying friend halfway across Afghanistan. He was the man who killed nearly 60 Genii soldiers. 

_Okay, dad. You got me. Guess I really am a fairy._

Mer would have told him these thoughts were misogynistic bullshit. Mer would have told him that having feelings isn’t the sole province of feminine people, that being feminine wasn’t lesser than being masculine, and that allowing emotions to be felt was healthy, not weak. And John would agree, when he wasn’t attacking himself. When he was, his father’s toxic masculinity almost always kicked in for him to beat himself up with.

In this case, though, he reckoned he had every reason to beat himself up. The situation was entirely his fault as far as he was concerned. Acting like a victim was just pathetic.

***

Three days later, John still hadn’t figured out how to talk to Mer. He’d started taking the PEP drugs and was feeling nauseous and sluggish, which is how he’d been feeling anyway, just magnified. Today, he’d barely left the couch, managing to answer a few emails, cancelling a couple of meetings that could wait. 

When Mer got home, John was wrapped in a blanket, dozing fitfully. He woke at the swoosh of the door. Mer sat on the end of the couch and reached out to touch John’s leg and then apparently thought better of it. 

‘You don’t look well,’ he said.

John just snorted and said nothing. The ensuing silence between them stretched until it became unbearable, and John got up off the couch and began to clear the detritus of his wasted day from the coffee table. 

‘I’m worried and I don’t know what to do,’ Mer said at last. John didn’t know which was worse, the sadness, the hurt or the reproach he could hear in Mer’s voice.

He was holding his favourite coffee cup. Mer had bought it for him nearly two years ago from the market on Belkan. It was just the right size, it held its heat, it was elegant and felt good in his hands. The colour was a kind of soft pewter that matched John’s aesthetic perfectly. It was also one of the first gifts Mer had ever given him.

He didn’t know what got into him, but before he had time to stop himself, he had brought the cup smashing down, right at Mer’s feet. Shards of the cup flew everywhere. Mer’s eyes went wide with fear, and he froze, looking at John exactly as if he thought he was about to get hit.

John would have given anything not to have put that look on Mer’s face, but it was too late. He’d made his partner afraid of him. 

‘God, Mer, I’m –‘ 

Mer held his hand up to stop John. ‘I need to go,’ he said, standing up carefully and picking his way through the shattered pieces on the floor. He grabbed his jacket and his laptop and was gone.

John sank back down on the couch, put his head into his hands, and didn’t move for several hours.

***

Mer didn’t come back that night, and John slept on the couch, trying to hold his guts in as they were torn apart by a mixture of misery and the PEP drugs. In the morning, there was an email to senior staff saying that Mer had decided to camp out for a couple of days while he fixed the generator in a dead zone at the edge of the city rather than hike back and forth, what with the transporter there being down. 

There was no message to John at all.

John asked Lorne for Cortez, one of the most levelheaded marines, to go watch Mer. Mer should know by now that it wasn’t okay to be working alone so remotely, and John knew he liked Cortez – she had a dry sense of humour and seemed to get Mer’s off-centre take on the world.

John knew there was nothing else he could do but wait. Given Mer’s history in an abusive relationship, he was fairly sure he had just condemned what the two of them had, even if it had been possible to recover from him fucking Richie without a condom, and he wasn’t convinced that was recoverable from.

So now he’d fucked up doubly, and there was nothing he could do to un-fuck it. 

He decided that all he could do was push everything to the back of his mind. He was better off busy, and he was better off out of the apartment. He showered, dressed and headed to work. The day passed with him going through the motions and allowing himself to feel very little. He worked late and slept on the couch again.

John was in the control room the following day, when everything really went to shit.

It started with Chuck’s slightly puzzled voice:

‘Hyperspace window just opened.’

‘Are we expecting anyone? The _Daedalus_? Travellers?’ John asked. The _Orion_ was currently in orbit, but there were plenty of other possibilities. Still, it was unusual for ships to just appear without forewarning, and they had the trackers for hive ships so it couldn’t be the wraith. 

John looked at Chuck’s screen, and saw the message “unknown IFF”, and that’s when the adrenalin kicked in.

‘Summon senior staff,’ He said to Amelia, as Chuck began to track a small ship of unknown design and origin. It was already in the atmosphere and approaching the city fast. ‘Shields up, and get the jumpers ready,’ he added.

But they watched with growing horror as the strange ship passed straight through the city’s shields. John’s heart clenched as he realised the ship was heading for the sector that had lost power. No transporters to get him to where Mer was. As Teyla arrived first, John handed over to her and hurtled to the jumper bay, desperately trying to raise Mer on the radio as he went.

‘Goddammit, McKay, answer your fucking radio!’

John had the jumper up in record time, flying her faster than was safe through the city’s towers to Mer’s location. He saw the alien ship had landed on a pier close by the generator that Mer was working on. As he began to descend the jumper, he could see through his viewscreen four figures, humanoid but bulky with technology. High-tech suits or simply robots, John could not tell. 

They were carrying the unconscious bodies of McKay and Cortez. 

John did not have time to land before they got to their ship. His only option, however risky, was to try and disable the alien vessel. He fired a drone at the drive pod furthest away from Mer. But the drone met an impenetrable shield and did no damage. Before John could think of an alternative strategy, the aliens had Mer on board and it was no longer safe for him to fire.

John watched impotently as the ship took off. He flew after it, screaming for Amelia to drop the shields, but it outpaced him, opening a Hyperspace window as soon as he was too far away to slip through with them.

Mer was gone, and there was no way of knowing where.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening the email up was like accepting that these were the final words his lover was going to say to him. John was pretty sure they were going to be angry words, and at least 90% sure it would be a “dear John” letter. But he needed to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: Kidnapping, implied character death, OFC character death, coming to terms with date rape/drugged rape, details of rape mentioned, grief and loss

It was day five after Mer’s disappearance, and they were no closer to finding even a shred of a clue. Nobody on the sanctuary planets were familiar with the strange aliens. Zelenka was working on tracking the alien vessel but was not hopeful. AR-1 continued talking to various Pegasuns and word had gone out to the Travellers, but it was futile. Atlantis had been relocated to yet another new planet, and that only increased John’s sense of the gulf between him and Mer.

John felt impotent and powerless and entirely to blame. There was no guessing as to what the mysterious aliens’ motivations were, but the one obvious fact was they picked off whatever human was easiest to reach. And John was the reason Mer had picked this particular week to work on the failed generator at the edge of the city. And John had ordered Cortez to watch over him.

Elizabeth had to gently remind John that life goes on. Until there were leads to follow, they had to do their everyday jobs. So John was, for the first time since Mer had been kidnapped, checking his emails.

There was one from Mer. No subject in the subject line, sent around midnight, the night before he was kidnapped, the night after John terrified him into running out of their lives.

John stared at the unopened email for a full half-hour before gently sliding it into his “keep” folder unopened.

The days began to blend into each other. Nothing changed. John slowly fell into a numbness that made his depression when he was caught in the time dilation field look positively jolly. Teyla made him stay with her and Kanaan (who had moved in with her ahead of the baby being born), and they both gave him constantly worried looks. 

Mer had been so excited about Teyla’s baby. Couldn’t wait to meet him. John was beginning to accept the fact that he never would. Teyla was due in about six weeks and John wished he was able to feel a damn thing so that he could be happy for her bringing new life to the world after so many losses.

On day fifteen after Mer’s disappearance, John finally read his email. He went home for the first time in days, crawled into a bed that still held Mer’s faint scent, and booted his laptop with a long sigh.

Opening the email up was like accepting that these were the final words his lover was going to say to him. John was pretty sure they were going to be angry words, and at least 90% sure it would be a “dear John” letter. But he needed to hear it.

To: john.sheppard@atlantis.net  
Sent: 10 March 2008 00:18  
From: meredith.mckay@atlantis.net  
Subject: (none)

_So I think I figured some stuff out. What’s going on with you._

_It doesn’t make what you did okay. You fucking scared me John. If you ever do anything like that again . . . Well, I think you know I can’t put up with stuff like that after what I went through with Andrew. It might take me some time to get over this. I hope you can understand that and not see it as an overreaction._

_But the thing is, I think I do understand why you’re in such a state, and I need you to know it’s not your fault. I mean breaking the coffee cup was totally your fault, but I think you’re feeling guilty about something else and you don’t need to._

_Maybe I’m wrong, but I put a few things together. How you’ve been acting after your date with Richie, your visit to Keller. The side effects you’ve been having. I’m wondering if you’re taking PEP. I’m wondering if you exchanged fluids with Richie, and I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t have consented to that. And maybe nobody told you this, but that’s sexual assault._

_I’m going to be blunt. The night you came back, you had a vibe coming off you like you’d been raped. I was so worried about you, but I didn’t know what to do because you couldn’t bear to talk. Since then, you’ve been acting guilty. Knowing you, and knowing how stuff like this can work at people’s heads, I think you’ve convinced yourself . . . what? That you should have noticed something you didn’t? That you should have been able to say stop even when in subspace? That you shouldn’t have trusted him? I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know you would have stated your boundaries ahead of time and I know you wouldn’t have explicitly given consent for them to change. So, no matter what insidious messages are creeping into your head, I know you and I know you would not have given consent to share fluids._

_Maybe I have this all wrong. It’s just a hunch._

_If I’m right – the way you’re feeling? It’s valid, but your anger doesn’t belong being turned on you. Or me. It’s Richie that deserves your anger. If he exchanged fluids with you without permission that’s sexual assault. If he broke your agreed boundaries during a scene that’s non-consent. If he had sex with you without a condom and you didn’t consent, it’s rape. I’m sorry to be blunt, John, and maybe being angry with yourself is easier than dealing with the loss of control that stuff like this makes you feel._

_I’ve been there. I know how it feels, and we can talk about it when I’ve calmed down._

_But for now, I need you to know that even if blaming yourself is easier it’s not going to get you anywhere._

_It’s not your fault. Feeling like shit about this is valid. If I guessed right, I’ll support you with whatever you choose to do or not do about the crime Richie has committed._

_I love you_

_Mer_

***

The door chimed for the eighth time but John wasn’t done ignoring it. He had spent last night at home for the first time since Mer’s kidnapping. He’d wrapped himself around Mer’s pillow and found that in the morning he just couldn’t let go.

The door whooshed open, indicating whoever was out there wasn’t going to take no response for an answer. Ronon’s gruff voice called out from the living room.

‘Sheppard! It’s just me and Evan. We’re coming in whether you want us to or not.’

John didn’t respond, and soon the two men were in his room, looking down at his pathetic form, still huddled around Mer’s pillow.

He expected them to drag him out, put him in the shower and force him back on his feet. Instead, Evan climbed onto the bed and began to stroke his hair.

‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through. If I lost Cam or David or Ronon I’d . . . I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’d do.’

Ronon got up on the bed on the other side of John and grabbed his hand.

‘When I lost Melena, it was like having a gut wound. Felt like I could barely keep my insides inside.’

Everyone was talking as if Mer was gone forever, and John knew he needed to accept the truth.

They lapsed into a comforting silence, Evan still petting John’s hair, Ronon still holding his hand. They seemed in no hurry for John to react to their presence, but slowly he came around to the idea that maybe he could use their support.

Without really moving much, he reached for his laptop. It had been sitting on the bed where he’d read and reread Mer’s last email to him. He unlocked it and showed the email to Evan, who took the time to read it carefully.

‘Fuck, was he right?’ 

John nodded. Evan passed the laptop to Ronon. 

‘I’m gonna break his face,’ Ronon said when he was done.

‘Babe, let’s keep John in control of this, hey?’ Evan said carefully to his lover.

‘Okay. John, you want me to break his face?’

John almost smiled at his friend. ‘I don’t know. I just don’t wanna see him ever again.’

‘Well that can easily be arranged,’ said Evan. ‘I’ve been hearing problematic things about this guy for a while, but this gives me reason enough to ship him back to Earth, if you want me to.’

John knew that if he was still CO he wouldn’t want this marine serving under him. He tried to bat away thoughts that told him what happened was his fault. He’d been clear enough what his boundaries were, and although he couldn’t fully make sense of what had happened that night, and although he didn’t understand his own responses, Richie was responsible for his own behaviour. John hesitated at the words Mer had used like _rape_ and _crime,_ but he was rock solid certain now that it wasn’t okay behaviour.

‘Yeah, I don’t think someone like him should be on Atlantis.’ John said at last.

‘Okay well, we’ll ship him back and make sure the SGC is informally aware of his behaviour. Unless of course you want to press formal charges. I’d at least like a quiet word with him about this before he goes, and you’re welcome to join me.’

‘I’m going to think about that,’ John said, feeling like it was all pretty meaningless at this point.

Eventually, Ronon and Evan did manage to get John up and showered and dressed. That night, he stayed in Ronon’s bed, and his team didn’t let him be alone for long after that.

It didn’t make it any better, but it gave him a sort of comfort while things were worse.

***

On day twenty-three after Mer’s kidnapping, the _Daedalus_ arrived in orbit, and Evan and John had a meeting with Richie.

John was shocked at the amount of nausea and fear he felt around the other man. There was something about having had vulnerabilities that should have been treated with care exploited to do him harm. He was clear in his head now, mostly thanks to Mer’s email, that what had happened really had been a major transgression of the boundaries they agreed. At best, he’d been manipulated while in sub-space, at worst . . . well, he still had that troubling blank in his memory, and it ate at him. He hadn’t shaken his self-blame completely, and he was still trying to fully make sense of what happened, but there was more than enough blame to go around.

‘Okay, Jenson, this is what’s happening.’ Lorne said in his best CO voice (which was 100% better than John’s had ever been). ‘You’re going to go back to your quarters and pack and then you’re going to beam up to the _Daedalus,_ where you’re going to stay until she leaves. I don’t want you under my command anymore, and I’m going to make it very clear to the SGC that there have been multiple concerns about your conduct here, particularly around your private life and consent, and that I want you demoted. I could do more, so you’ll need to watch your step from here on in – on and off duty. Is that understood?’

‘If you’re going to . . .’ Richie started up, but Lorne just held his hand up.

‘In case we’re not clear, the only words I need to hear from you are yes Sir or no Sir.’ Lorne’s voice was low, but it contained airtight authority.

‘Yes, Sir,’ Richie said sullenly.

‘Good. Do you have anything to add, John?’

John looked Richie in the eyes, swallowing down nausea. ‘Nope, that about covers it.’ 

He turned to Lorne, shocked that his voice had sounded steady when he was churning inside. 

‘Fucking needy subs – always more trouble than they’re worth.’ Jenson bit out.

‘Enough!’ Lorne snapped at him. ‘I promise that act of insubordination will cost you, Jenson.’

Lorne radioed to other Marines, who escorted Richie back to get his stuff packed.

‘You okay?’ he asked John as soon as they’d gone, and he’d turned back from Lorne into Evan. He reached across and put a hand out, his look asking for permission before closing around John’s clenched fist after the barest nod from John.

‘Really not,’ John answered. ‘How am I supposed to live with what I’ve done?’ 

‘John, you’re responsible for breaking a cup and being aggressive with Mer when you were at the end of your tether. It wasn’t ok to do that, but it was only that – not the rest of it. You’re not responsible for Richie’s actions, and you’re not responsible for Mer’s kidnap. You gotta forgive yourself, man.’

‘What he said . . . it kinda hit on something. Like, it’s maybe the thing that’s got me into all this trouble.’

‘“Needy sub?” Jeez, John, if that’s the worst thing he can say about you . . .’

How did Evan not understand how bad that was to hear?

‘I’m not . . .’ but his face flushed with shame.

Evan slid his computer chair closer to John and added a second hand to the clasp around John’s now shaking fingers.

‘There’s nothing wrong with being needy, John. And there’s nothing wrong with being a sub. So whether those words are way off or right on the money, there’s no shame in them.’

‘That’s not how it feels.’

‘You know about my moms, right?’ Evan asked. John nodded – pretty much everyone on Atlantis knew Evan was raised by lesbians. ‘Well, I grew up with queer culture because of them. I rebelled against it, for sure, but a lot of it stuck anyhow. There’s this tradition I like in our community. It’s the way we have of reclaiming things – turning something bad into something good. It’s why we call ourselves queer and put pink triangles on our posters. Dealing with something difficult and hurtful? Play with it until you can make it your friend.’ Evan tightened his grip on John’s hand for emphasis. ‘I’ll say it again, there’s nothing wrong with being needy or submissive, but if the idea of those things causes you pain, I’d suggest you dance with them a while.’ 

Evan held John’s eyes in an honest gaze, and John realised there was an openhearted offer here if he ever wanted to take it. John found himself not shying away from the gaze – it was burning away his shame like sun on a misty morning.

*** 

John returned to his quarters feeling a tiny sliver of peace in the middle of all of his turmoil. He still couldn’t entirely piece together the events of his night with Richie – he’d been in a very odd headspace that night – but Mer had been right, John hadn’t given consent and that at least was clear in his head. Men like Jenson didn’t belong in Atlantis, a place where people were cheerfully promiscuous in the face of a gruesome death any day. It was non-negotiable that everyone would play safely.

Mer had taught John so much about safety and consent that he really should have heard when he got “the talk” from his dad’s secretary back when he was 12. He could see how the bullshit he was raised with had prevented him from seeing what he should have known all along.

His heart ached when he considered how differently things could have gone if he’d just opened up to Mer. Now that really _was_ his fault.

‘Keller to Sheppard,’ Jennifer’s voice broke through John’s reflections and he felt instantly irritated.

‘Sheppard,’ he said curtly into his radio.

‘Dr Sheppard I wonder of you could drop by the infirmary? There’s something we need to discuss.’ Her voice sounded no more pleased to be talking to John than he to her.

‘Thank you for coming so quickly.’ Keller looked tense, holding a set of notes in front of her as if they might explode.

‘What can I do for you?’ John defaulted to his lazy, don’t-give-a-shit drawl to mask the tension she was triggering in him.

‘So . . . it seems I owe you an apology.’ She actually looked embarrassed – huh. ‘Ronon told me about Jenson getting shipped back to earth. He didn’t break your confidence, but, well, he said a thing that made me put two and two together.’

‘You know the thing is,’ John said, switching out of his drawl in an instant, ‘even if I’d just made a mistake, not been sexually _assaulted_ , there was no need for you to be so damn judgemental.’ Whoa. That was the first time John had said that term out loud, and he was surprised at his own anger. He reined it back, recognising it was not really Keller’s to bear, though maybe she deserved a small edge of it.

‘You’re right,’ she said, looking downwards. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Is that why you asked me here?’ John couldn’t pretend not to be impatient. His insides were churning.

‘Oh – no, I mean, not just that. It’s . . .’ Jennifer looked worried and John was beginning to worry too now. ‘I ran some further tests on your blood when I realised you’d been coerced. I’m sorry to say I found traces of a drug in your system.’

‘What?’ John’s stomach dropped like he was pulling G’s. _Fuck._ He _knew_ this. Why had he not let himself _see_ that he knew this? It had been right there all along but he somehow hadn’t been able to acknowledge it.

‘Erm . . . I just ran the tests this morning, but one of the Hoffan doctors recognised the analysis. It’s a drug they once used in psychiatry. It puts you in an altered state that makes you lucid but somewhat suggestible. I don’t fully know the details yet, but it can also act as a sedative.’

 _Motherfucker_. No wonder he’d felt so weird that night. And . . . he really _had_ passed out. Why had that been so hard for him to believe? His mind reeled.

‘There’s more,’ Keller went on, ‘one of the nurses has seen similar patterns before in other bloodwork, more than once. We’re currently investigating, but you may not be the only person this happened to.’

John’s rage went instantly from hot to cold. Nobody hurt John’s people.

He touched his radio. ‘Sheppard to Lorne,’

‘Lorne.’

‘Colonel, sorry to have to change the plans, but you might want to throw Jenson in the brig.’

‘My pleasure, Sheppard. Are you going to tell me why?’

‘Dr Keller is on her way to explain it all. I'll be in radio contact if you need me.’ John could feel his throat closing up as he spoke. He needed to get out of there.

He regarded Keller for a long moment. ‘Thanks,’ he ground out, and then stalked to the nearest transporter, trying to not let his skin crawl all the way off.

***

John sat on _their_ pier, trying to settle the hurricane raging around his head. His arms wrapped tight around himself, as he attempted the breathing-and-grounding thing that Mer had taught him, but that only made him think of Mer and that made his breath all but disappear. 

God, if he hadn’t hooked up with that raping piece of shit, Mer might be right here with him. 

_‘You always find a way to make yourself responsible for everything, don’t you?’_ John knew what Mer would have replied to that as sure as if he was sitting here.

John argued back in his head – he’d been the one to break that cup and scare the shit out of his partner.

 _‘Yeah, and why did you break that cup? Because you’d woken up from being_ unconscious _with a man fucking you without a condom and without consent, and you_ still _somehow managed to make that your fault.’_ There was a vague but hollow comfort in being able to conjure Mer’s oh-so-snarky voice so easily.

Deep down, John had known all this time that he’d been unconscious. Only . . . everything that night had been so weird and disjointed it was hard to trust his own experience. Then he remembered Keller said the drug made him suggestible, and Jenson himself had suggested to John that he’d gone along with it, that he could have safeworded.

‘ _Which would still have been rape, given you were in submissive headspace and that’s not what you negotiated beforehand.’_ Mer’s voice was firm.

But even John couldn’t deny it was impossible to safeword while unconscious. Or under the influence of a drug that makes you suggestible. And Richie hadn’t just not used a condom, he’d started fucking John while he was unconscious. Had put a spider gag on John after drugging him. Had done at least a dozen things John couldn’t consent to whilst under the influence.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he finally realised what that bastard had put him through and why he’d been acting so fucked up about it.

 _Fuck._ ‘It’s still my fault you’re not here, though,’ John said to the empty air, tears slipping down his cheeks.

 _‘Stop being such a dickhead.’_ Mer’s voice replied firmly.

Some time later, John’s radio startled him out of his thoughts.

‘The alien ship’s back!’ Amelia’s voice came over the radio, sounding terrified. 

John and Lorne arrived in the Jumper Bay almost simultaneously, taking up Jumpers One and Two. They met the alien vessel on the same pier as before. This time, just one alien came out of the ship’s body. John was ready to blow it up with a drone, but the alien had its arms raised, and as they watched it’s cylon-like structure froze and began to open up.

‘Hold your fire, Sheppard, but cover me. I’m going down,’ Lorne said. John just wanted to blast the alien off the pier, but he also wanted answers.

As Jumper Two hit the deck, from out of what turned out to be some sort of suit stepped a little grey alien. 

_Fuck. They’re Asgard._ John couldn’t help but feel his heart leap a little. Asgard were the good guys, right? But they were also supposed to be extinct.

Lorne had stepped out of the jumper, his weapon held high. John used the external pickup to listen as Lorne told the alien to state its purpose without moving.

‘I surrender to your mercy,’ the little alien said in an atypically squeaky voice, ‘but the fate of your race hangs in the balance, and I must speak to your leaders urgently.’

John had Jumper One on the ground in seconds. He and Lorne checked out the empty ship, then escorted the alien to the brig, radioing Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon as they went. As they walked, he asked the alien the question he was afraid to hear the answer to.

‘Our people you kidnapped. Where are they?’

‘I am sorry,’ the alien’s big eyes looked genuinely remorseful, ‘but they are lost.’

***

John tried to stay tuned in to the dialogue around him, but there was a buzzing in his head and poison in his gut. Even though things had seemed hopeless, he really hadn’t let go of the idea he would see Mer again.

Teyla, Ronon, Halling, Lorne, Ford and Elizabeth sat with John at a heavily guarded conference table with the alien, whose name was Olin.

‘I am horrified at what my people have done,’ Olin said. ‘But we are in a dire situation.’

Olin explained how his people had been forced to live on an almost-uninhabitable planet for the last 10,000 years and were just now venturing back into the galaxy due to the planet becoming less survivable and the wraith presence diminishing. However, they had miscalculated, drawing the unwanted attention of the last surviving wraith.

‘The Wraith have become desperate,’ Olin continued. ‘For a while, they were in a state of civil war, but the remaining wraith have made peace. They appointed guardians to find a solution to their plight and went into hibernation. New guardians are appointed cyclically, when the current ones approach starvation. Their only solution is a technical advance that would allow them access to humans in this or another galaxy. They decided that focusing on attacking us was the best gamble for achieving that, and they were right. Though we are more technologically advanced, we have long since lacked the resources to defend ourselves.  
  
‘We faced a stark choice – war we were unprepared for, or a peace treaty. We made a treaty with the wraith. One I cannot personally live with. We are helping them leave this galaxy, that we might venture out into it again. We are giving them the means to relocate to your original galaxy, and we used our technology to find Atlantis and kidnap your people in order that they would give up the location of your home planet.’

‘Mer would never give away the location of Earth!’ John insisted, but his blood ran cold as he said this.

‘The wraith use a brainwashing technique, addicting humans to their enzyme. It is invariably effective, when it is not fatal. The female did not survive, but the male did, and was successfully controlled. He serves the wraith now.’

John knew about wraith worshippers. Knew the awful truth in what the little grey alien was saying.

‘He has told them the location of your home planet,’ Olin continued. It will not be long before our hyperdrive improvements to a wraith super hive have been made, and the attack on your Milky Way galaxy will begin.’


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt resigned, and almost relaxed. He’d been living with the threat of death for long enough in his life to have figured that sooner or later he was going to face a moment like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note for implied character death, serious physical assault, brainwashing, Earth in peril

For the first time since Mer had been taken away from him, John felt a measure of peace. He had tried to bargain for other outcomes, for daring rescues. And then, for a while, they had thought that the nuke they were going to use to blow up the super hive could be flown in remotely.

But they needed a pilot and there was nothing left in the universe for John once the super hive was destroyed.

Mer McKay was on that hive and there was no way of rescuing him.

Olin had done everything that was possible to help the humans, returning to the rest of the Asgard and passing covert information detailing the wraith’s precise plans. 

Atlantis and the _Orion_ were waiting alongside Earth’s fleet, for the super hive to come out of hyperspace close to the little blue planet John had once thought of as home. To get around Earth’s defences, the wraith planned a swift and massive assault. They intended to awaken a large proportion of their hibernating crew and launch countless darts and souped-up scout ships in a decisive attack. 

The ships and Earth’s control chair could, perhaps, bring the hive down in time, but not without many of the fleet getting away. There would be inevitable mass casualties, panic on the ground, and an enduring wraith presence in the Milky Way as a result. And they had not tested their defences against this super hive so there was no way of knowing its capabilities.

So, plan A was slipping a wraith dart inside their shields as soon as they came out of hyperspace and detonating its payload immediately.

There wasn’t going to be time for any reprieve. Atlantis could not beam someone out from inside a hive and putting a delay on the detonation would only risk more lives. John Sheppard and Mer McKay were going to be casualties in the plan to save the Earth, just as Elena Cortez had already been lost because John had sent her to watch over Mer. John had made some kind of peace with that.

‘Gonna make our deaths mean something, Mer,’ John said aloud as he climbed into the cockpit of the wraith dart. They were ahead of the super hive – the Pegasus Asgards had not matched the hyperdrive advances of their counterparts elsewhere. If the Intel was correct, and Olin had helped plot the course so there was no reason to think it wasn’t, the hive was going to appear in a little under an hour, and John was going to have less than twenty seconds to get inside the shields and detonate the payload.

He felt resigned, and almost relaxed. He’d been living with the threat of death for long enough in his life to have figured that sooner or later he was going to face a moment like this. Well, he’d faced them before but somehow come through. This time, that could not happen. The only thing that would save him was delaying detonation, and that would condemn others to death.

It seemed like an equation that added up pretty well. He saved the earth, he did his job, and he didn’t have to live the rest of his life without Mer. Okay, it had been hard to talk the others into letting him do this, but in the end, somebody had to and there were compelling arguments for it to be him, even if he was a civilian. Lorne had been the hardest to argue down, but Atlantis needed her military commander, and Lorne had more than enough people alive who loved him.

He’d evaded the goodbyes he knew his friends had wanted, getting the dart out into space a full half-hour before it needed to be gone. He couldn’t help but listen to the messages coming in over his radio, but he really didn’t know what to say in response.

Evan sounded stoic, Ford was all bravado, Ronon sounded choked, Teyla falsely calm. Elizabeth sounded like she was reaching for grandiose words and falling flat. Was it wrong that John felt nothing at all? He probably wasn’t letting himself, and to be honest, he was all cried out from the days of agony, thinking about what had happened to Mer, howling in frustration as every rescue plan he and others came up with was blocked.

They couldn’t risk an entire planet for one person. _The needs of the many_ and all that crap.

He looked at the chronometer, and there was about one minute left to the hive’s arrival.

‘Look, I’m no good at this stuff, but I . . . you guys are . . . you all mean a lot to me. Thank you.’

And then there was another fifty seconds of excruciating dead air, and a bright crackle right in front of him as the super hive materialised. John slammed the dart into full acceleration, slipping inside its shields. The second he got inside, he hit the detonation switch and prepared to be fried.

Only to find himself caught in the bright, white light of an Asgard beam. 

He materialised on the deck of an unfamiliar but obviously Asgard ship. Olin was at the helm, and he was alone, but for the figure that was beamed aboard at the same time as John.

‘I found a way,’ Olin said, but John was paying him no attention. He only had eyes for the love of his life, standing there looking bemused but entirely _normal_ , holding a screwdriver-like tool in his hand, as if caught in the middle of some repair work.

‘Mer,’ John closed the distance between them, as Olin cried, ‘wait!’

Mer smiled at John and it took only a millisecond for him to realise that the smile was all wrong, but it was way too late for him to put his guard up, as Mer plunged the tool he was carrying straight into John’s chest and John realised that he was probably going to die today after all.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a hand holding his. There was beeping. Everything was fuzzy. His chest hurt like fuck, but the pain was far away, lurking beneath thick woolly layers of drugs and drowsiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: hospitals, physical trauma, flashback, relationship breakdown, mention of childhood bereavement

There was a hand holding his. There was beeping. Everything was fuzzy. His chest hurt like fuck, but the pain was far away, lurking beneath thick woolly layers of drugs and drowsiness.

‘Mer?’

‘Shh, John, don’t try to speak. They only just took the tube out.’

Ronon’s voice, soft and quiet. His other hand brushing the hair away from his brow, soothing, kind. 

John drifted away, feeling safe with his hand held tightly. 

When he came to again, Ronon was still there, except he was on the other side, and this time he had John’s wrist in a gentle grip, avoiding the hand with a cannula in the back of it.

‘You should drink something,’ the man’s soft voice sounded worried beneath the reassuring tone. Without opening his eyes, John felt a straw pressed to his lips, and he took clumsy sips.

‘Good,’ his friend said simply.

John knew what he wanted his first words to be, and it irked him, because they were such a cliché.

‘Where am I?’ He wasn’t in Atlantis. He could feel the absence of her. 

‘SGC. Olin put you in a stasis pod and beamed the pod down here before making a run for it. Your heart was damaged, but they mended the tear. You nearly . . .’ His friend sounded choked up, and John moved his hand to grip Ronon’s wrist in reassurance, although he wasn’t sure just who he was reassuring.

‘Mer.’ Sharp pain dialled itself up in his chest as he remembered what happened. He wasn’t ready to face it. He didn’t know if he’d ever be ready to face it.

‘John. It wasn’t him.’

‘He’s gone,’ John said, and he didn’t know why he’d been told there was just a tear in his heart when it felt like a chasm.

‘No. People come back from this. He’s being rehabilitated. They had him under guard here for a while, while they weaned him off the enzyme, but he’s back on Atlantis now, under observation but back at work. I’m not going to pretend this hasn’t changed him, but he’s still Mer. He’s still my friend.’

John tried to process this information, but the thing he was getting stuck on wasn’t even the fact that someone wearing Mer’s face had tried to murder him. No, right now his confusion was far more basic than that.

‘You said . . . a long time.’ 

‘Yeah. They kept you in stasis, took a while before they’d risk the surgery.’

‘How long?’ John asked.

‘Four months.’

‘I want to go home,’ he said, feeling tears threatening to spill.

***

They used a Goa’uld hand device on John a couple more times before they were happy to discharge him back to Atlantis. He felt weak, but whole, and he refused to lean on Ronon as they went through the gate. Friends were on the other side, relieved and overjoyed to see him – Elizabeth, Lorne, Teyla, Kanaan, Ford and Radek.

But no Mer, and that made his still-aching heart lurch. The memory came crashing in of Mer leaving him – of that frightened look in his eyes when John broke the cup. John knew it would take some getting over Mer’s assault on him, but the scientist had been _brainwashed_. John had no such excuse.

He felt suddenly tired. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘I need to go to my quarters and rest.’

Ronon and Ford walked him home. But the moment he set foot inside the apartment he knew something was wrong. The place had a long-abandoned feel about it. As John scanned the room, he noticed many things that had made it feel like home were missing.

In fact, everything of Mer’s was gone. He shuffled into the bedroom, opening Mer’s closet, only to find it empty.

‘I’m sorry,’ Ford said with a frown. ‘I had no idea he’d done this.’

‘I’ll talk to him,’ Ronon said.

‘No,’ John said. ‘There’s no point. This doesn’t require an explanation. Can I go to sleep now please?’ He felt empty, hollowed out.

‘I’ll stay with you,’ Ronon said.

John was glad the man didn’t make it a question, and even more glad a while later to feel his friend’s bulk cuddled against him as he drifted away in a state of forlorn emptiness.

***

There was something surreal about everything on Earth. John realised he hadn’t been back in so long the place felt alien. He touched the grey fabric of the taxi seat, trying to ground himself here. He felt out of his body, cut loose. His chest ached and he was no longer sure whether it was the physical injury or the emotional hurt.

He remembered Elizabeth’s voice and the way his entire world had tilted sideways.

‘I’m sorry, John. Mer has taken a leave of absence. As soon as the restrictions were lifted from him, he decided to go back to Earth.’

The taxi pulled up outside a suburban home, and John reached into his wallet, pulling out notes that seemed odd not just because they were Canadian.

‘I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go after him, John.’ Elizabeth had said.

‘What do you want to do?’ Teyla had asked a little later. She was rocking new baby Torren in her arms, an aura about her that was positively goddess-like.

‘I want to talk to him,’ John had said, his voice choked. ‘I know we can’t put this back together, but I want to talk to him.’

‘He has not said anything about what you should do,’ Teyla said carefully. ‘If he had asked you not to go, that would be different, but under the circumstances . . .’

John knocked at the white-painted door with its big brass knocker and a heavily pregnant woman answered who was so obviously Mer’s sister it made John’s breath catch.

‘You must be John Sheppard,’ Jeannie said, giving John a sorrowful hug, ‘you’d better come in.’

She led him into a messy-looking kitchen. Signs of the devastation that only a small child can wreak were everywhere.

‘Kaleb just took Madison out to the store,’ Jeannie said. ‘Can I get you a coffee?’

John nodded. ‘Thanks. Three sugars please.’

Jeannie fixed it for him and then said ‘oh, I forgot I switched to decaf for Mer.’

So, John’s intel had been right, Mer had been here even if he wasn’t now.

‘S’okay, I’m used to it.’

‘Of course . . .’

‘Can I sit?’ He asked, feeling pathetic. Desperate. Like he was going to cry any second.

‘Sure,’ Jeannie said with a weak smile, ‘all the important stuff happens at this table. I’ll see if I can . . . she gestured towards the ceiling, and John guessed Mer was lurking upstairs. She headed for the door, but as she got there she turned back.

‘I’m afraid for him. He’s always been vulnerable, but now . . . John, just be careful, okay?’

‘I’m not planning on hurting him again,’ John responded, ‘I know I screwed up, but I wouldn’t knowingly hurt Mer for all the world,’ he could hear the pleading in his own voice.

‘Are you . . . are you out of your _mind_?’ Jeannie’s face seemed to indicate she thought he probably was. ‘Mer told me about this. How you think you’re responsible for absolutely everything. John, none of this is your fault. Or his. But I still need you to be careful with him, please.’ And then she was gone.

John didn’t know how much Jeannie had been told. She had been read into the Stargate programme for a while, helping Mer remotely with some of his projects. Maybe she knew everything. Or maybe she didn’t know what John had done to set this all in motion.

She was a long time gone. John sipped his coffee and tried not to think about how any of these pieces went back together again. He heard footsteps on the stairs and recognised them straight away, they were so achingly familiar. His heart filled with joy; stupid, unfettered, uncomplicated joy at the presence of the person he loved most in the world. He stood and stepped towards the door.

And then Mer’s face appeared in the doorway, and John was instantly plunged into the middle of a flashback, the pain ripping into his chest. He grabbed hold of the table to steady himself, and his breathing almost gave out on him. Before he’d got his breath back under control, Mer was gone, his sister running after him. 

Not long after, Jeannie was back, fussing over John while tears welled up in her eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ John said, when he could finally breathe again, ‘I didn’t know . . .’

*** 

Hours later, John stepped into the near darkness of an upstairs room. There was just a tiny sliver of streetlight showing through the curtains, enough to show the shape of a body in the bed.

It had taken Jeannie all day to deal with Mer’s inevitable meltdown, and it had taken John as long to recover his own equilibrium. He had been pale and shocky for a while, sat at the table drinking sugary English tea and talking it through with Jeannie when she wasn’t looking after Mer. 

It turned out she knew everything, and wasn’t having John blame himself for Mer’s kidnap, no matter how much he protested.

‘This isn’t about what you did, John, and it isn’t your fault. This is a tragedy I don’t know how to fix, but the creatures responsible are all dead and there’s nowhere to point the blame anymore, we just have to pick up the pieces.’

John winced at the expression, remembering picking up shards of coffee cup for days after his outburst. Whatever the reasons, some things couldn’t be put back together.

Now, he looked at the figure of his . . . of Mer, lying under the covers, looking small and vulnerable, and he just wanted to take everything back.

‘Mer?’ John said tentatively. He didn’t know how he could possibly be afraid of the human lying there. He wanted to hold Mer so badly it made his breath catch.

‘John . . .’ a choked voice, muffled by the covers. 

‘I . . . can I stay here?’ John asked, almost timidly, ‘I don’t want you to think that . . . but I need . . .’ he trailed off, looking at his feet. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t . . .’

Mer turned around, his face, barely visible in the dark, peeking over the covers. ‘Stay.’ His voice sounded choked, ‘I know it doesn’t mean . . . but god, please stay.’

John kicked off his shoes and slid under the covers. At first, he didn’t know how to close the gap, but then Mer murmured his name in a voice so miserable, John was incapable of holding back from shuffling himself close.

‘I desperately want to hold you,’ he said, realising there were tears in his eyes.

‘Please . . .’ was Mer’s only reply.

John put his arms around Mer, and Mer collapsed against him. For a long while, they just held tight to each other, both fighting sobs and breathing shakily.

‘I’m so sorry Mer,’ John said eventually. ‘Jeannie’s reminded me this isn’t all about me and my fuck-ups, but still, you should know that you were right about Richie, and I didn’t understand what it had done to my head until it was too late. I’m so sorry for scaring you, I never want to scare you again.’

Mer’s response to that was an infuriated huff. ‘Oh John. I’d already forgiven you.’ A hand trailed up John’s back and played with the hair at the nape of his neck, making John melt a little more. 

‘It’s still because of me that you got taken. That Cortez is dead.’

‘No.’ Mer said firmly, ‘I’d planned on doing those repairs anyway. And you would have sent Cortez anyway. And if it hadn’t been us that were taken it would have been someone else, so how is that better? What happened between us is irrelevant to what happened after. That’s the truth.’

John finally took that in. Maybe it really wasn’t his fault? That didn’t make it not fucked, though.

‘I’m furious at what Richie did to you,’ Mer said after another silence. ‘I know you know that what you did with the cup wasn’t okay and I wouldn’t have been able to live with it happening again, but as a one-off, I would have gotten past it.’

‘Would have.’ John knew this was coming, but it didn’t stop the feeling – like all his blood just got drained out of him.

‘Seeing you completely terrified of me? Having a trauma flashback to your own near murder at my hand? John, that I can’t live with.’ Mer pulled back just a fraction and took John’s hand in his. ‘I’m not coming back, John. At least not for a while. If that’s cowardly, I’m sorry. I think we both need some time to get past this. I know I do.’

Kate Heightmeyer had taught John a lot about his abandonment issues. It was nothing terribly surprising, that he lost his mother young and had then been sent off to boarding school by an uncaring father, and this had left its mark on him. He knew he blamed himself for stuff that couldn’t possibly be his fault, just like he blamed himself for his mother’s death because that gave him a sense of control when really, he’d had none. It explained his father’s inability to love him.

It would be so easy to fall into that same old pattern, believing he kept getting abandoned because he was an unlovable fuck-up. But he could _feel_ Mer’s love and care even as they were falling apart, and he couldn’t make the old script stick. He could also see that Mer was right, that just pretending this horrific trauma wasn’t sitting between them would be the lie that broke them if they tried to hold together. 

‘Yeah,’ John said at last, swallowing down the young part of him that was saying _No! Don’t leave!_

‘And John?’

‘Uh huh?’

‘Do you think . . . that you can forgive me, in time?’

John pulled Mer close and pressed his lips against Mer’s forehead.

‘There’s nothing to forgive, Mer.’


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little over one year later . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content note: Mentions of past trauma, momentary trigger during scene, recovery. 
> 
> Heavy scene involving very safe, sane and consensual fivesome M/M/M/M/M, ball gag, ring gag, bondage, chains, blindfold, D/s, mild humiliation, spanking, flogging, double penetration, collar & leash.
> 
> Definition: fluid-bonded polycule - a closed unit of non-monogamous people who only ever share body fluids within the group

_A little over one year later . . ._

John woke up with a heavy hand laid in the small of his back and murmured approvingly as it began to trace its way downwards.

‘You’re insatiable,’ he teased his lover in a sleep-weary voice.

‘I like sex,’ Ronon said, matter-of-fact as ever.

John had given up trying to figure out what he and Ronon had, but he knew it was good. In the bleak months after his breakup with Mer, Ronon’s friendship had been an anchor, as had Evan’s. For months John hadn’t been sexual with anyone else and barely even with himself. There’d been a ton of time with a Hoffan shrink who understood all the things Kate hadn’t, and also helped John finally get over her death. Who was also kinky as hell – Lanic and John now had an agreement that they let each other know if either of them were heading to _Haven_ so John wouldn’t have the awkward experience of seeing his therapist naked.

Lanic wasn’t a him or a her, and the pronouns had been a struggle for a session or two, but they were a fucking excellent head doctor. They’d also introduced John to a drug he liked to call Space Ritalin, and that had revolutionised his life. Lanic had also helped John see he’d been depressed for years, but after Richie and losing Mer, things had spiralled downwards. John still saw them every week, and there was a ton of work still to do, but he had a handle on a lot more things now.

Around six months ago he and Ronon had fallen back into bed in their usual, casual, this-is-just-an-extension-of-our-friendship way. Then, perhaps inevitably, something had sparked between John and Evan, and now he played with the two men semi-regularly, sometimes apart, sometimes together, sometimes with David as well, although never alone with him.

John still wasn’t over Mer. It was easier now Mer was back in Atlantis, because somehow they were managing to be not just friends but _good_ friends. Lanic had helped John through both of the traumatic assaults that happened to John nearly a year and a half ago. He wasn’t going to pretend he was all better now, but he understood his triggers, and he could be around Mer now without having flashbacks.

John wasn’t sure if he was ready for a romantic relationship with anyone, but Ronon and Evan still meant a lot to him. With Evan, it was uncomplicated. Evan liked to Dom and John liked to sub and they played together well. Evan helped John practically work through the stuff he talked to Lanic about, neutralising each of the trauma effects Richie left him with bit by bit. John didn’t want to be left needing to tread carefully around sex when he liked sex so much. Evan was the kind of Dom that was rock steady and safe as houses, and they fit together well.

Now, Evan could get John to do pretty much anything for him and John would love every blisteringly hot second in the Colonel’s hands.

But Ronon? Ronon was more than just a play partner. But although John loved him, he was less than a boyfriend. No, that wasn’t right – not less than, just not that. Friends with benefits might cover it, but he suspected their bond was deeper than simple friendship. 

John had shied away from the chemistry between them when Ronon had first come to Atlantis, knowing the man was vulnerable and not wanting to take advantage. But their connection had deepened over the years, and Ronon was now a man in his power. Now the wraith were all gone, apart from those they had in stasis, he was also finally _happy_. If anyone was vulnerable, it was John, and that balanced out the age gap and other inequalities between the two men.

‘You still wanna do the thing tomorrow?’ Ronon asked him.

‘Yeah,’ John said, his dick jumping at the thought of their plans. ‘Guess that means we can’t . . .’

‘You can fuck me,’ Ronon said with a big grin. He leaned in and kissed John, as ever a surprising mixture of tenderness and strength.

‘I could go for that,’ John said, once the kiss had finished, and he rolled Ronon onto his front and traced his hand down his lover’s spine, all the way down.

***

‘Are you sure about this, baby?’ Evan asked.

John nodded enthusiastically. He’d been dreaming of this for so long he was positively aching with want.

‘Okay, strip for us, then, and kneel on the cushion,’ Evan commanded with that absolute, calm authority of his that went straight to John’s cock.

John took off his clothes carefully, but without any show about it, then sank down gratefully. He felt nervous, and bubbling with excited arousal. Evan ran his fingers through John’s hair, and then bent down to give him the sweetest kiss.

‘We’re going to make this so good for you, my needy sub,’ he said, running a hand down the front of John’s hairy torso and then abruptly letting go. ‘Ronon?’

Whatever the configuration, one thing never changed: Evan was always in charge, at least with Ronon, David and John – he wasn’t so sure about Cam, but Cam was generally an unknown quantity, given the man lived in another galaxy, and there was still an air of secrecy around the two men’s relationship. He was the one man in this room (and in this fluid-bonded polycule) that John had no experience with.

Ronon came up to him with an armful of gear and sank to his knees in front of John. John’s hazel eyes brightened as they met his lover’s soft browns, and he accepted a long, slow kiss. 

Evan and Cam watched from the couch appreciatively, while David did his usual thing of lurking on a chair in the corner. It would take David a while to join in, and they were all okay with that. David was quiet, and he liked to watch, but once he’d warmed up, he could be gratifyingly enthusiastic.

Slowly and carefully. Ronon placed wrist and arm cuffs on John, then a collar with a D-ring, and a blindfold. Making John stand, he fitted ankle and thigh cuffs.

‘What colour?’ Ronon asked, and John signalled the agreed sign for green. They all used a traffic-light system when they played, green for go, orange for pause, red for stop. ‘Your alternative signal?’ John tapped it out. ‘Good.’

Then, Ronon put a cock cage on John.

‘You won’t be coming tonight,’ Ronon smirked at John and kissed him again. John’s cock twitched against the cage. He loved being denied.

Finally, Ronon fastened a ball gag into John’s mouth, securing it tightly round the back of his head. He could feel himself already falling into sub-space. Nothing he needed to do or think about, just let the other men do what they wanted with his body.

‘You’re gonna love this. Gonna be our plaything for _hours_ ,’ Ronon said, playing with John’s nipples a little roughly.

 _Oh yeah._ He’d wanted this for so long, and it was such a relief to have his head back in a place where he felt safe enough to give up control to these men he’d trust with his life.

‘Bring him here, Ronon, I want him to get to know Cam a little better.’ Ronon guided John over to the couch, and made John kneel at Cam’s feet.

John felt Cam’s hand grazing his face, smoothing the back of his neck. ‘Always thought you were hot stuff, Sheppard. I’m looking forward to playing with you. And just so we’re clear, nobody is in charge of me, and I like to play hard, so don’t expect mercy.’ As he said this, he pinched John’s nipple and twisted it. John’s cock twitched in its cage. He might not go for this if he wasn’t surrounded by men he trusted, but Cam was going to push him, and he wanted to be pushed. Had explicitly negotiated for it, in fact. 

It had taken him all this time to realise the real thrill of submission was being able to place yourself in someone’s hands and _trust._ Something he’d craved all his life and never found until Mer, Evan and Ronon.

Cam continued to play with his body, alternately stroking and pinching. Eventually, he said, ’come on up, over my lap, so I can spank you.’

John had gotten to appreciate pain a whole lot more lately, and he was positively desperate for this. He could feel hands arranging him over Cam’s lap, Cam’s hand smoothing over his rump. Evan, who was next to Cam, swivelled round so he was sitting cross-legged on the end of the couch with John’s head on a pillow in his lap. With one hand, he held John’s bicep in a tight grip. With the other, he carded John’s soft hair until John began to melt and sink further down into sub-space.

The combination of the two Doms holding him was intoxicating. The familiarity of Evan. His paint-and-nitroglycerin smell and his gentle touch combined with the unfamiliarity of Cam and all the man’s hard edges make John squirm with desire.

Slap! Cam rapped his hand across John’s buttock in a stinging blow.

‘Hold still!’ Cam said sternly. ‘Your job is to get spanked and fucked till you’re sore and exhausted and fucked out. It’s going to be a long day and it’s gonna take a lot of endurance.’

_Yes, god, yes._

With that, Cam’s started to slap John’s ass none too gently, settling into a rhythm that was clearly intended to continue for a while. John sank even further, trying not to squirm against Cam’s denim clad thigh. Cam increased the power behind his slaps and John let out a long moan through the gag.

‘Pain slut, huh? I like the way you moan,’ Cam said, speeding up the smacks, while the other hand smoothed into the small of John’s back.

‘You can do anything to him, really,’ Evan said, scritching his fingers into John’s scalp. ‘The boy is just so in need . . . of love and affection and touch and pain. I’ve loved watching him embrace and indulge his neediness.’

John had gotten used to Evan saying stuff like this. Evan had a way of taking all the heat out of John’s issues. He was definitely a slut for the man and it no longer bothered him in the slightest. 

Sometimes, he was almost at peace with the way life had turned out. The loss of Mer was still a gaping wound, but he valued what he had with Evan and Ronon and even David. His life was good, despite its losses.

And now he had Cameron Mitchell’s open hand coming down hard against the back of his thighs and it was excruciating bliss.

And then all at once it stopped, and Cam was murmuring approvingly. ‘Yeah, you took that beautifully. Think it’s time we got you ready for the first round.’

John felt a large amount of the good lube dribbled into his ass crack and Cam lost no time in massaging open his hole one finger at a time. He used a generous amount of lube because tonight was going to be hard on John and there was no point in making it risky too. John started to feel the excitement fizzing up in him. They were actually doing this, playing out his fantasy.

Cam’s thick fingers opened him up efficiently and John loved the vulnerability of lying exposed in this relative stranger’s lap having his ass played with. Cam stroked John’s prostate and John moaned again through the gag. Seemed like he’d found someone new he was going to be a desperate slut for.

‘Let’s get him onto the bed,’ said Evan and he felt three pairs of hands manoeuvring him to the centre of the big bed. There was a wooden wedge-shaped stool placed on the bed, and John was arranged on this, on his front so that he was positioned with his head down and ass in the air. They used chains and a spreader bar to force his legs apart, the D-ring on his collar was padlocked down so he couldn’t lift his head. His wrists were locked together behind his back, his upper arms fastened down to the stool. He felt secure as a hand ran up and down his body.

‘You look beautiful like this,’ Evan said. ‘David’s taking pictures to show you later.’

John still hadn’t figured out how he could hate his body so much and yet love seeing pictures of himself like this. Just the thought of being photographed ratcheted up his desire.

John could feel Evan’s hand running all over his body, and then the distinctive scent of Ronon – leather and hair oil and Athosian soap – climbing up on the bed near John’s head. The man bent down and whispered in John’s ear, ‘all for you, John. Take what you need.’

And then John felt Evan climb between his spread, chained legs. The sound of a zip undoing and lube being slicked onto a cock. John especially loved the fact that he was the only one naked in the room. He felt the head of Evans cock at his entrance and could do nothing but wait for it to fill him. Evan eased in slowly but without pause, pushing until he was seated all the way. John sighed with pleasure at the familiar feel of the gentle Dom inside him.

The man sighed, ‘oh yes, my perfect slut. So ready for us all to fuck you, so needy and desperate to be used.’ When Evan said such things, they were, oddly, not humiliating at all, they just ratcheted up John’s desire.

As he spoke, Evan pulled out all the way and sank back in again purposefully. 

Fuck, he felt amazing. 

‘So good, you’re so, so good!’ John lapped up the praise as much as he was loving the feel of Evan filling him.

Evan took his time, easing in and out of John’s body, firm and careful and methodical, exactly like Col Evan Lorne was in everything he did. It wasn’t that the man lacked passion, God, he was passionate. He just did everything with infinite care. John wanted it a little rougher, but he also knew that given what was going to happen tonight, it was wise to start a little gently. There were hours ahead of him, a thought that in equal parts scared and excited him. 

Evan’s cock inside of him slid against his prostate, adding to a slow build-up of desperation. He wanted to be on the edge. He wanted to be denied. He wanted to be used for their pleasure without being allowed to get off himself. He didn’t much care anymore _why_ he wanted these things, he just did.

After the longest and most thorough fucking, Evan began to show signs of losing his composure, and that was more of a buzz for John than any of his own pleasure. Meanwhile, Ronon had his hands firm on John’s shoulders, an extra weight holding him down. Cam’s hand pushed down in the middle of John’s back. These men knew exactly what his body needed. The cock thrusting into his ass was pushing hard and deep, and Evan was making gratifying grunting sounds.

‘That’s it, baby, come inside the boy.’ Cam said. ‘Give him the first load of many he’s gonna take tonight.’ 

Evan’s stuttering thrusts against John’s hips finally stuttered and John felt the other man pulse deep inside of him. He felt claimed. It was so _right_. Evan leaned forward, his cock still buried deep inside of John and kissed him between the shoulder blades. Then, he pulled out. Another load of lube was added, and Cameron Mitchell positioned himself at John’s entrance.

‘Don’t think I’m going easy on you, boy. Gonna fuck you hard. You needed pushing, and that’s what I’m here for.’

Cam virtually slammed inside of John and John cried out through the gag, feeling an intense burn. Cam was bigger than Evan, and he gave John no time to adjust, just pulled back out and slammed back in again, hard and ruthless.

It was absolutely perfect.

‘That’s it, take it,’ Cam said, thrusting deep, and John shivered deliciously at those words, ‘oh yeah, Sheppard, weren’t you just made for this.’

John wasn’t about to disagree. He felt an enormous sense of calm and rightness at the idea of these four men using him til he couldn’t stand, couldn’t think. The cock in his ass set up a hard pace and John submitted to the fucking, just letting it happen to him.

‘You thought four of us was ambitious, but I reckon we could bring a platoon of horny marines in here and you’d take every last one.’

John moaned at that fantasy – he wasn’t about to pretend he didn’t think about stuff like that, it was what this scene was all about, a way of acting out his fantasy within the boundaries of his real-life limits. He moaned in response to Cam’s words.

‘Oh yeah, we’d tie you to the bench in the armoury and let them take you non-stop for hours, and you’d just keep moaning for more.’

Cam changed his angle of penetration, hitting John’s prostate and making him moan louder. God, the man was pushing all of John’s buttons just right.

John thought Cam would be quick to come, given his pace, but he was wrong. For what seemed like an age, Cam shoved and thrust and pumped away in John’s ass and John could do nothing but just lay there and feel every hard jolt through his body. John sank down a little further, never wanting the fucking to end, imagining what it would be like if there really were dozens of men taking their turn at him.

‘David, get the flogger – use it on the boy’s back.’ Cam commanded, after he’d been pumping away in John’s ass for a while. The next thing John knew his back was being lashed with stinging blows in time to the hard thrusts in his ass, and Cameron had shifted his angle so that John’s prostate was getting a hard, intense pounding at the same time. He began to whine constantly, becoming more and more high-pitched. The hot prickle of the lash was the perfect counterpoint to the bursts of pleasure from such an aggressive fucking.

‘What colour, John?’ Ronon asked, and John signalled green once again. This was everything he wanted. It was hard and intense and exactly right. Cam was beginning to lose it, and that meant he was pounding John even harder. The slick sound of hard sex and some positively pornographic moans were all the sounds in the room.

‘Jesus, fuck!’ Cam’s orgasm shuddered out of him. ‘So fucking good, boy.’ He slapped John’s ass hard one last time and John groaned and shivered.

‘Come on David, get yourself in here.’

Cam pulled out and David replaced him instantly. God, this was the fantasy, non-stop cocks pounding into him. 

David was quiet, but there was nothing shy about the way he took what he wanted, fucking into John more gently than Cam had done, but nevertheless just as purposefully, just as deeply. Mercifully, David avoided John’s prostate, giving him a break from the intensity he had felt when Cam was in him. But then David reached down and began to play with John’s balls, and John let out a moan so loud he thought half of Atlantis probably heard it. 

David took his time, reaming John’s ass carefully and thoroughly. Eventually, though, John felt the man buck hard and fast into him as he came. He rested against John for a long moment, and John could feel his ass muscles quivering, so close to an unreachable orgasm. Then David pulled out gently, and John felt Ronon’s hand leave his shoulders. He gave a sign of regret to lose their steadying weight, but then felt the bliss of Ronon’s familiar cock entering him with incredible slowness and care. 

Ronon’s hand stroked down his back as he pushed himself in with minute little thrusts. At first, it was almost too gentle, but then John noticed something – Ronon was barely pulling back, and his thrusts, however small, felt like they were drilling down into him deeper and deeper and deeper. Evan had replaced Ronon by his head, placing his hand on the back of John’s neck, whispering encouragement. 

‘You’re so good, John, so wanted. We love using you, because we love you. Our perfect, slutty, needy, sub.’ His words at once soothed and aroused John – he had no shame left, not when he was with these men.

Ronon reached up and dragged his nails down John’s back and it had John quaking, he’d be squirming if he could move at all. Every piece of him was held down and fastened and he’d never make sense of how so much tethering and weight could make him fly. 

God, he wanted to come almost as much as he wanted them to keep him on the edge and never let it end. It was so intense having these men take their turns with him and he knew it wasn’t over yet. Not by a long shot. 

Ronon was nearing completion; he leaned right over John’s body, covering him completely, pulling himself hard into John’s ass with a series of frenzied grunts and moans. John’s own moans were frantic. He was unsure if he could stop himself from coming despite the cage, but nobody had given him permission and he didn’t want to come without it. 

As Ronon built-up to his climax, John was right there on the edge, willing himself not to fall over, hanging on by his metaphorical fingernails, Ronon shot his seed deep inside John and John breathed a sigh of relief as he held on to his own climax. Ronon gently pulled out and came back up to John’s head, unfastening the ball gag and releasing the collar from its fastening so that he could give John a long, filthy kiss. Evan leaned in and shared the kiss with both of them, and for a while all John knew was shared breath and tongues and hands in his hair. He could feel the traces of four men’s come around his hole and it was everything he had wanted it to be, debauched and deeply satisfying. 

Finally, they broke for air and Evan said,

‘Okay, let’s get him up.’

John was getting a change of location, but he knew the evening was by no means over.

*** 

After giving John water and checking on his welfare needs, they linked John’s ankle cuffs to his thigh cuffs so that his knees were held in a bent position, and then secured his wrist cuffs to his ankle cuffs. Leaving the blindfold on, they knelt him on a cushion on the floor in front of the couch.

‘Do you want the ring gag, baby?’ Evan asked John, and he nodded.

Evan cocked his head and gave John an old-fashioned look.

‘Green,’ John said, grinning cheekily at his Dom.

They’d started putting the ring gag on John without using it. John fantasised about playing with it, but he just wasn’t ready yet. But he’d worn the gag a few times now without any trouble.

Ronon brought the gag over and carefully fitted the ring behind John’s teeth, fixing the straps at the back of his head. He probed at the ring with his tongue and hungrily imagined one of their cocks sliding into his mouth through the ring.

And suddenly he was back in time eighteen months and it was happening to him all over again and all he could do was pant through the gag and try not to have a full-blown panic attack. _Fuck._

Ronon went to his knees next to John, meeting him eye to eye as he gasped through the gag.

‘You’re having a flashback. But you’re safe here. No one’s gonna hurt you. If you safeword, I’ll take off the gag. Everything’s in your control.’

Lanic had helped John understand that he needed to be the one to decide what happened when he had a flashback. His lovers were used to this by now, and he knew they’d get him through this and it would be alright in a little while. But something about the gag today just didn’t feel right, had pushed a button. He signalled red, and Evan took off the gag.

‘It’s ok, sweetheart,’ Evan said. ‘What do you need?’

‘Touch,’ John said through his gasping breaths. Ronon sidled against him and slid arms round his shoulders. Evan ran fingers through John’s hair and stroked down into his neck.

‘Need anything else off?’

John shook his head. The bondage and the blindfold helped, made him feel safe. ‘No. ’M alright. It’s just . . .’

Yeah, he couldn’t explain, but he knew they got it.

‘We know, John, and it’s okay,’ Evan continued to stroke John, making himself comfortable on the couch with his legs either side of his sub, holding him from behind and dropping kisses on his head. Meanwhile, Ronon pressed close to his front, stroking down his arms affectionately.

John began to calm, slowly, and enjoy the affection he was getting from the two men. It wasn’t all neatly fixed, but he wasn’t going to let that bastard Richie spoil his fun. The man was in Leavenworth, and John was free. Eventually, his fingers made the sign for green, which was also the OK sign. Slowly the two men’s touch turned from affectionate to arousing. Evan started nibbling kisses along John’s shoulder and up his neck, his hands travelling down and caressing into the crease of his ass. Ronon tweaked John’s nipples as his kisses heated up slowly.

Before long, John was panting for a completely different reason, his skin buzzing from the touch of the two men.

‘You want us to play with you some more. All ready to be fucked again, aren’t you?’ Evan chuckled, sliding a finger inside John and making him moan. He teased John’s prostate for a minute or so, then withdrew his hand. ‘But we’re just gonna take a little breather and leave you to stew a while.’

Ronon kissed John one last time and went and joined Evan on the couch. Evan sat back, leaving John kneeling between his legs, just a tiny amount of contact grounding him. He could hear Evan and Ronon kissing behind him and he almost whined.

John knelt there while the four men put on a movie and simply ignored John, like a discarded toy. It just made him sink even further into subspace, and he drifted a little, oblivious to the sounds from the screen.

After a long while, he felt a hand at the back of his neck. ‘Wake up, John, I need use of that gorgeous mouth.’ Evan stood, and John could hear him stripping out of his clothes. Stepping back towards John, he fed his semi-hard cock into John’s mouth and used his hand in John’s hair to slowly guide his movements.

John loved Evans cock a lot. In fact, he loved cock in general. He hummed as he sucked the man to hardness and began to swallow Evan down into his throat. Evan sighed loudly and held John’s head hard into his crotch for a long moment and then eased him away.

‘I think the plan today is to fuck your ass as much as it can possibly be fucked. I really don’t want to get side-tracked from my mission by your hot mouth,’ he said with a smirk.

Evan sat back down on the couch, which John had noticed earlier had been covered with a throw in case things got messy. John liked that about Evan; nothing was left to chance. He could hear sounds of clothes coming off from the others in the room, and he centred himself ready for what was to come.

‘Lift him onto me,’ Evan said, and John could hear him lubing up his cock. John practically melted as a naked David and Ronon grabbed him and lifted him onto Evans cock. Being manhandled was one of John’s many turn-ons. Cam stepped in to guide Evans cock inside of John’s ass, as Ronon and David lowered him into place, straddling Evan’s lap. Evan leaned forward and gave John a lascivious kiss.

‘So fucking sexy, so fucking good,’ he said, a look of genuine affection in his eyes. ‘We’re gonna take this next round real slow, passing you around like a toy for us all to use. No rush to get anywhere. He began to tweak John’s nipples, and John moaned.

Evan seemed content to rock against John slowly and sensually, running his hands all over his sometime sub’s body. John squirmed in his lap, not caring how wanton he looked. It was a little overwhelming – not just how good Evan felt, but the power of having these four men all focussed on him and his deepest fantasies. 

Evan took his time, his movements gentle, and John’s arousal just climbed and climbed until he felt dizzy with it. Eventually, Evan grabbed John’s ass and began fucking into him with more purpose, taking John’s mouth with the same fierceness. John moaned around the hot tongue fucking into him.

Before allowing himself to come, though, Evan eased back.

‘My turn,’ said Cam, and he unceremoniously dragged John right off Evan and laid him face up along the back of the couch with his ass hanging over the edge. He shoved his lubed cock hard into John’s ass once again.

John hadn’t played with Cam before but damn he wanted to play with him again. Cam pushed all his “wanting to play rough” buttons but had also stuck to the absolute letter of what they had pre-negotiated. The man felt dangerous and safe all at the same time. John now knew he had to be hundred percent sure of someone’s safety and trustworthiness before he got ready to play on the edge.

Cam certainly didn’t seem to mind playing the hard man in this scene as he pummelled John’s ass, which was beginning to ache in exactly the way John wanted it to.

‘You’re fucking loving this aren’t you, slut?’ Cam said with a grin, punctuating each word with a ramming motion. ‘Ronon, get the nipple clamps, the boy needs more pain.’

Ronon grabbed the clamps and tweaked John’s nipples, digging in with his fingernails.

‘What colour, John?’ he asked. John signalled green because he was way beyond forming words. 

Ronon fastened the clamps to John’s nipples none too gently and leaned down to give John a kiss, fucking his tongue into John’s mouth as Cam sped up his relentless thrusting. John sighed into his lover’s hot mouth from the exhilarating mixture of pleasure and pain, intertwined with deeper feelings of safety and love.

John heard Evan slide up to Cam’s side, then put his hand down to trace John’s perineum, and touch his fingers gently to the skin next to Cam’s pumping cock.

‘Don’t forget you’re not supposed to come yet, babe. Unless you think you can get it up a third time in one night.’

‘For this guy, I probably could, but I’m not going to risk it,’ Cam conceded, and slowed down his thrusting, tugging at the nipple clamps and sending bright sparks of pleasure/pain through John’s body, but not removing them. He angled his lazy slide into John’s ass right against his prostate, taking John close to the edge, so that John had to keep his control with hissing, panting breaths. Then he pulled out, leaving John shaking with want.

John was feeling pretty desperate by now and very well used.

‘All yours, David,’ Evan said, as he and Cam rough-handled John onto his knees on the end of the couch, face mashed into the fabric, hands clamped useless at his sides. David lost no time in taking Cam’s place in John’s ass, gripping onto his hips tightly. John was more familiar with David than Cam, but they weren’t regular lovers like he was with Evan and Ronon. One of the things that excited him oddly was his lack of attraction to David. It added to the thrill of feeling used for somebody else’s pleasure and not his own. He liked David well enough and trusted him. The man was an excellent lover and his cock was as good as anyone else’s, but there was no heat between them.

Cam was on his knees next to John, playing with the nipple clamps, and John was beginning to get really wound up. His body was a plaything, and the feeling of getting passed around these men was delicious. David’s voice was full of the pleasure he was taking in John, soft moans and groans that he couldn’t contain. And suddenly Evan and Ronon were there too, pressing in close, running their hands over John’s body. David let himself get wound all the way up, but didn’t come, pulling out, if John guessed right, on the edge of climax.

As he pulled out, Cam pulled off the nipple clamps and John cried out, taking panting breaths as he tried not to come, even with the cage on.

‘Atta boy,’ Cam said. ‘You’re like a trained sex slave.’ He sounded in awe. ‘You’re fucking perfect.’

John had long ago stopped worrying about just how much he loved and needed praise. Didn’t care what it said about him, didn’t care about what things in his past had made him like the things he liked. He just let himself seek the pleasure he wanted, and this was a fantasy come true he was going to think about for the rest of his life.

‘Okay, slut, let’s get you back on the bed for Ronon to do his thing.’ After another water break, it was Cam and David this time who lifted John up and took him to the bed.

They tied John face up, arms splayed on the bed, hips propped up with a pillow, thighs pulled outwards and backwards so his ass was displayed ready for fucking. They squeezed more lube inside John’s ass and then Evan held him down while Ronon got into position over him. Their eyes met and his lover’s brown eyes were shining and dark with lust as he sank down into John’s aching, used hole.

‘Here’s something new for you John,’ Evan said, ‘Ronon’s gonna fuck you till he comes inside you, then we’re gonna make him hard again before he even has a chance to pull out.’

John moaned at the thought of that, knowing how much stamina Ronon had and what an astonishing refractory period the younger man possessed. 

‘Like that idea, huh?’ Ronon smirked, as he thrust, hard into his lover’s body.

Ronon was a little rougher this time, and John could tell the man was being drawn into the rawness of the whole experience. John got swept up in the intensity too, as Ronon’s thrusts massaged his prostate and he began to squirm and lift his hips to meet Ronon’s thrusts.

Ronon gripped his hands tightly onto John’s hips, bruising them hard. Pushing John’s ass down into the bed, the man growled, ‘be still!’ And John very nearly came on the spot from that alone. Then, Ronon lost it, slamming inside John’s increasingly aching ass in a frenzy of need.

‘God, take that cock, slut,’ Cam said, his lips close to John’s ear, his fingers tangled painfully in John’s hair.

‘Fuck!’ Ronon’s body was stuttering against John, pumping yet more seed inside of him.

‘Stay inside him, Ronon’ Evan said.

He pushed Ronon down against John and John heard him reach for the lube, and then sounds and responses from the man on top of him that suggested he was beginning to massage Ronon’s hole. John could feel Ronon’s cock twitching inside of him, wanting to come back to life. John could tell when Evan had got Ronon’s prostate because of the way Ronon sighed and squirmed and twitched. 

‘Oh, yeah, feels good, Ev,’ Ronon sighed heavily and pressed into John. John supposed it was a measure of the fact Ronon was only just out of his 20s, because Evans ministrations were working their magic, and sure enough he was slowly coming back to life. John could feel Ronon’s cock hardening inside of him again and twitching with life.

Meanwhile, Cam and David unfastened John’s bonds, holding him down to stop him from squirming against Ronon’s growing arousal.

‘John, wrap your legs tight around Ronon, we’re going to turn you both.’ Evan said eventually. 

John did as he was told, and the three other men rolled him and Ronon so that Ronon was on his back and John was astride him, ass exposed, still impaled on Ronon’s cock. A thrill of want ran through him as he imagined what was going to happen next. When they planned this scene, there had been plenty on the menu, but nothing was fixed, so he hadn’t known if what he hoped was about to happen actually would.

The three men fastened John’s legs down to the bed either side of Ronon, and spread his arms out to the sides and secured them, removing any semblance of control he might have had from being on top. Ronon ran his hands up and down John’s back and rocked his body into John in a slow, idle way. Ronon’s hand went to John’s face, pushing it up so that he could give his lover a long, honest gaze, and then he pressed John’s face into his neck and Evan clipped a leash to John’s collar and fastened it to the headboard.

 _Oh god._ The leash just sent John down another thirty fathoms.

‘You know what we going to do now, baby? Something you’ve never done before. I know you can take it, because you’ve had three dildos inside you, you’ve had Ronon’s fist . . .’ Evan grabbed the lube, and John could feel the man’s fingers slowly and carefully easing their way into his ass, next to Ronon’s thick cock.

 _Fuck!_ There was a burn there, but it felt good, and the anticipation felt even better. Evan was speeding up the prep, pulling John open with the fingers of two hands.

‘You’re gonna take all our cocks again,’ Cam was next to his ear again, holding John’s arm and shoulder tightly, ‘gonna be so fucking full of our come,’ John squirmed again, and Cam reached and slapped his ass hard. ‘How many times do we have to tell you to lie still and take it, boy?’ Damn, those words that a year ago would have triggered shame now just got John more and more into the headspace he wanted to be in.

‘David,’ Evan summoned his other lover from the side of the bed, holding open John’s ass for David to slide in.

‘Ohhhhhhhhhhh,’ John sighed, as David’s cock pushed in next to Ronon’s. It was tight, and John was suddenly a little unsure that he could do this. It burned like fuck. He took short, panting breaths and tried not to panic.

Ronon lifted John’s face and scrutinised it carefully.

‘What colour, John?’

‘Orange,’ John ground out reluctantly. David stilled completely.

‘That’s good, baby, I’m so fucking proud of you,’ Evan said, because it had taken so much work to get John to pause before things got too much, and even more work to get him to use actual words while in sub-space. ‘We can do something different if you want,’ Evan continued, massaging around John’s hole where David’s dick was just beginning to penetrate. ‘Why don’t you take a moment to think about it?’

Evan’s fingers retreated, and he could hear the two men kissing while David held himself absolutely still, respecting John’s boundary with total care. That was so fucking hot. Something in John opened up a little more in response, and he whispered ‘green,’ breathlessly. David immediately began to slide into him, and yeah, it still hurt but also so good, so full, so intense. When David bottomed out it was almost spiritual.

‘Mmmmmmm,’ David let out a sigh of pleasure. ‘God, John, Ronon, feels so good!’

Ronon responded by gently rocking into John and pulling his arms even tighter around him. ‘You okay there, John?’ he asked his lover, and John nodded wordlessly. So much more than just okay. ‘Gimme your colour, John,’ Ronon double checked, and John whispered, ‘green’.

Evan took the opposite side of John to Cam, and held John’s arm and shoulder down in much the same way. The feeling of tight restraint, the collar and leash, and the bodies surrounding him alongside the intense fullness in his ass were taking John to a whole other level, where he was floating almost outside of himself.

David began to match Ronon’s rocking motion. It was subtle but powerful, especially knowing they were only just beginning and that he had to take all of them before he was done. John knew he was sore and aching already, knew he would be walking funny for a week or so, but _god_ , he wanted more so much it was like the deepest craving in his soul. He knew he would never want this night to end. Knew he would remember this for the rest of his life.

Evan and Cam were pressing him down into Ronon and Ronon was pressing up into him.

‘So fucking hot, Ev, where did you find this boy?” John heard the two men leaned forward across his body and kiss, long and hard. Could feel their responses to each other in the way their hands gripped his arms and shoulders. They were finally giving him a tiny glimpse of what there was between the two men, something John had been curious about, as they were oddly guarded about their long-term relationship, for two such open people generally.

‘God, I’m losing it, too good, too good!’ David’s rocking thrusts began to get more desperation behind them, becoming hard and erratic. Ronon rocked in surprisingly accurate counterpoint to David erratic thrusts, helping him along. The younger man sighed into John’s neck and pressed kisses along John’s collarbone as David cried out and came hard inside John.

‘Oh, wow! That was . . . I really have no words.’ Which to be fair, was more words than they usually heard from the taciturn botanist.

It was only then that John realised Evan and Cam were still kissing above him. He heard their kiss come to a slow halt. Cam raised from the bed, positioning himself as soon as David had pulled out.

‘You know what’s coming, boy,’ Cam said, ‘better be ready for me.’

He pushed in firmly, and John cried out from the burn of it. Cam was significantly bigger than David, and it took a few thrusts for John to adjust. Even Ronon grunted underneath him from the tightness of it. But pain quickly gave way to intense pleasure as Cam once again gave John a hard, focused fucking. John began to moan almost continually, right on the edge of his orgasm, even caged as he was and prevented from getting hard.

‘Don’t you dare come, boy!’ Cam said, as it took all John’s willpower to keep him from tipping over the edge.

Beneath John, Ronon sighed and squirmed, slowing his own thrusts as if to calm himself down.

‘Fuck, John,’ Ronon breathed into his neck, sounding desperate.

‘Put them out of their misery, babe,’ Evan said, and his hand left John, presumably to play with Cam and move things along.

‘Oh fuck, Ev, love it when you do that! Oh shit, I’m gonna come!’ And a few more hard thrusts in John’s tired but happy ass had Cam coming hard and crying out with pleasure. ‘Fuck, you four boys are a trip!’ He pumped in for a few seconds longer, drawing out his climax, all the while with the sound of hard kissing between him and Evan. Then finally he pulled out, and both Ronon and John were shaking from trying to hold on to their own climaxes.

‘Okay I think we need a new position,’ Evan said wisely, allowing John and Ronon time to come back from the edge. They loosened John’s ropes and pulled him up off Ronon. Evan arranged Ronon to lie propped up against the headboard at a 45° angle on a mound of pillows. He had John straddle him the other way round this time, sinking back down on his cock, facing Ronon’s feet. Then Evan pushed John back into Ronon’s arms. Ronon played softly with John’s nipples and nibbled on his neck, while Evan chained John’s wrists and thighs to the headboard behind him, so that he was splayed out for Evan to play with. 

Finally, he clipped a second leash onto John’s collar, placing one in Ronon’s hands, and one in his own. It did John’s battered old heart good to feel the sense of belonging the leashes gave him. Maybe in reality you couldn’t hold onto people and they couldn’t hold onto you, but these two men would go to pretty extraordinary lengths to make John feel secure, and that meant the world to him.

They stopped for a drink and Evan even pulled out some chocolate and handed it around, feeding cubes to John one at a time, with lingering fingers. This, of course gave both John and Ronon the chance to cool off a little more, even if Ronon’s hard cock buried deep in John’s body hardly made things relaxing. When Evan was done, Cam said ‘hey David, you get the feeling we should be leaving these three to it?’ His voice sounded anything but resentful.

‘Yeah,’ David responded. He came over to the bed and gave John a surprisingly chaste kiss. ‘You’re amazing, thank you,’ he said and backed off to the couch.

John heard Cam pull Evan into another long, hot kiss, and then to John’s surprise, he gave one to John with equal passion and then leaned round and kissed Ronon thoroughly.

‘Hottest scene of my whole damn life,’ he said with a smile. ‘Memory’s gonna keep me going through all those lonely nights underground at the SGC.’ He looked at John once more and said, ‘I was right – you’re hot stuff, John Sheppard,’ and John was sure he blushed from his hair down to his toes.

 _Now_ I’m blushing? He teased himself, as he heard Cam join David on the couch. John wondered if they were going to watch the rest of the scene, but then Evan settled in between his legs and John forgot everything else. 

‘You’re perfect,’ Evan said, running his hands through the fur on John’s chest, and letting his fingers twine with Ronon’s as they played with John’s nipples. ‘But I know you’re exhausted, and maybe one more is too much?’ John shook his head vigourously.

‘I’m going to need words, baby,’ Evan said stroking John’s hair. There had been a time when John couldn’t say one word in subspace. But somewhere along the line Evan had cottoned on to the fact that his muteness was a way of clamping down on expressing his needs. It was still hard, but sometimes Evan pushed, and John let him get the words out of him.

‘Please,’ he said, the hardest word of all to utter.

‘Please what, baby?’ Evan coaxed

‘Please fuck me,’ John said, and it felt so good to say out loud, to be safe and permitted to ask for what he needed. What he wanted. ‘Want you inside me so much, Evan.’

Evan moved in closer, and with a biting kiss to John’s lower lip, he eased his cock inside John’s body next to Ronon’s with a sigh.

‘So good. So amazing. All your wants and kinks are so fucking perfect,’ Evan had grown up with hippy moms, and affirmativity and praise came naturally to him. It was like a drug to John, who’d grown up with the polar opposite.

Evan set up a rhythm of inexorable, deep thrusts, each of which shook John all the way through. His cock was pressed between the two of them, tight in its cage, and suddenly he longed for release. He began to pick up Evan’s rhythm, grinding in his own counterpoint. 

John revelled in the feel of being pressed between these two beautiful men, being filled by them, the tug of their leashes on his collared neck. Even though he was exhausted, and aching, and sore, he wanted more of them. All of them. Wanted to take their hard thrusts and their come for as long as they needed him to, the longer the better.

The two men began to speed their thrusting in perfect synchronicity. John felt overwhelmed by the passion that was oozing out of both men, the focus and attention they were giving to his body. The intense smell of sweat and come and hot, chocolatey breath and the heat and slide of their slick skin against his. John began to moan from the feel of them both inside him, from his overwhelming, pent-up need after a long day’s fucking.

‘Oh baby, I can see you want it bad, I can see you desperately want to come.’ Evan said breathlessly, biting his way down John’s neck as he spoke. ‘But I’m not sure whether that’s what you really want. I think right now you’re lost in the passion and want release, but I think the feeling you’ll get when we both come inside you and leave you desperate and wanting on this bed will be better than anything. But if you think differently, then maybe I’ll take that cage off you if you beg me to.’

John whined loudly at that, because he knew Evan was right, and he knew he wasn’t going to beg for the cage to come off him. As much as he desperately wanted to come on their cocks, the desire to be denied was far, far stronger. What he truly desired in this moment was to feel them both come inside of him, to take the eighth and ninth loads of come his ass had taken that day, but more to take it for them – for Ronon and Evan, two men he had come to love and trust, each in their own different way.

‘Please,’ he moaned.

‘Please what, baby?’ Evan asked breathlessly,

‘Want to take your come and be left on the edge.’

‘Oh, you’re so fucking good, John,’ Evan said, speeding up his thrusts into John’s body and making him moan even more.

He began to push against his lovers and make little muscle contractions to join in the dance of thrusting and pumping the two men’s cocks were performing inside of him. He could hear and feel their breath hitching and tension building. If he couldn’t have his own release, he craved theirs. He was held in a writhing embrace, described by ohs and yeses and sighs and _oh Gods_ as both Evan and Ronon began to come undone around him, needy and desperately grabbing onto him and pressing themselves into his body with earthshattering want.

‘Fuck, Ronon, I need to come soon, are you with me?’ Evan said breathlessly, his control almost gone.

‘Yes, fuck!’ Was Ronon’s only reply as he began to lose it, biting into John’s shoulder as he thrust up hard and started to shake through his orgasm. Evan reacted to Ronon’s pulsing cock with his own hard, thrusting, quaking climax. The two men clung to John, as John used his muscles to milk them through the aftershocks. And then he dissolved between them in a sea of exhausted, still-aroused bliss that was far, far more powerful than any orgasm. Evan and Ronon held him tight between them and the three men breathed heavily into each other for the longest time until finally they separated, unfastening John from his restraints, pulling the covers round and cuddling up to him.

‘We really should clean you up,’ Evan said at length, giving a gentle tug on one of the leashes still attached to John’s collar, but showing no sign of moving.

‘Don’t wanna,’ John said, as he felt the traces of nine loads of come streaking the skin around his well-used ass and shivered with residual pleasure. He pressed his forehead against Evan’s shoulder as Ronon ran his deft, affectionate hands over John’s hair and down his neck.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘I came by to congratulate you for how you handled the Olesian resettlement.’
> 
> Despite the fact that Teyla had Torren slung over her hip, she had her work face on. John had just got home to his apartment after five days on Hoff, and some of the most difficult diplomatic negotiations of his career.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who encouraged me with this story and showed their appreciation. I'm now working on a sequel, so watch this space!

‘I came by to congratulate you for how you handled the Olesian resettlement.’

Despite the fact that Teyla had Torren slung over her hip, she had her work face on. John had just got home to his apartment after five days on Hoff, and some of the most difficult diplomatic negotiations of his career.

There had been a time when praise from Teyla the boss was rare, but that had changed. Perhaps thanks to a great assistant, reasonable adjustments for his ADHD, the right meds and a lot of hard work. Where once John felt like the weak link, or at least an unreliable one (and sure, he knew his team would kick his ass for using either of those self-critical descriptions), he now had a growing sense of his own competence and skill in the increasingly complex political landscape of the post-wraith Pegasus Galaxy.

‘Thanks. I still think Elizabeth would have done a better job,’ Elizabeth was on her honeymoon with Mike, though, and Teyla and Ronon had both been on Earth, involved in diplomatic negotiations of their own in the ongoing game of chess Atlantis played with the SGC and IOA.

‘I do not believe so, John. I think perhaps you are unaware of how much you have grown.’

‘Really?’ John felt himself blush. He had never felt worthy of the company he was in on Atlantis, but perhaps after all this time they had all rubbed off on him.

‘Really. And John, you _listen_ well. That has always been your strength. You do not believe you have the answers and that allows others to find the answers that are best for them. It is a gift of enormous value, even if you do not see that.’

John supposed Teyla had a point. He had never subscribed to the notion that Earthers knew better than Pegasuns, and he knew that was a fault many of his peers possessed, including Elizabeth. He wondered if being queer and disabled was in fact an asset – as a posh white boy, he could have been more arrogant and sure of himself had he not faced those obstacles.

‘You have become an excellent leader, John. I have come to admire you very much.’

 _Wow_. Those were words he never thought he would hear. John was going to say something, but he found himself a little choked up. He was saved by Torren beginning to grizzle. Amongst the cries were the beginnings of words. As John looked at him, he noticed Torren’s face was beginning to mature as well. He was starting to look like a little boy, not a baby. John felt a stab of loss at that. He loved spending time with Torren and didn’t want him to grow up.

‘I must go,’ Teyla said, ‘if I do not catch Torren’s sleep window he will cry and cry and never settle.’ She pressed her forehead to John’s and slipped away quickly. 

***

‘John, I need to talk to you about something.’

‘Sure, Ronon, what’s up?’ John said.

‘Can we sit? It’s kinda big.’

Ronon had come to John’s place a little after Teyla left. John had moved to the same floor as Evan, Ronon and David a few months after his return to Atlantis. It had been hard to let go of the apartment he had shared with Mer, but he needed to move away from the constant reminders of what he’d lost.

John made himself and Ronon a drink and they sat down together on the couch to talk.

‘What’s up, buddy?’ John didn’t think he’d seen Ronon’s face look this serious for a long while.

‘I’m thinking of . . . well, you’d call it adopting,’ Ronon said, after a long pause. ‘And I know you and me aren’t . . . well, we’re not the way your people see family, but my people see it different.’ Ronon was making a lot less sense than he normally did. John was used to his friend being straightforward – it was one of the (many) things he loved about the man.

‘A kid?’ John decided to go with the bit that he had understood. ‘You’re talking about having a kid?’ A longing stirred deep in John’s heart, and a familiar sadness along with it.

‘Yeah. There’s still a lot of orphans from the times of the wraith that haven’t been placed with families. I don’t want . . . fuck, John, I don’t know the words to communicate the differences between my ways and your ways.’

‘Okay . . . Ronon, are you saying you want me to be involved somehow?’

‘Yeah.’

‘But not a traditional family like Americans do it? Because . . .’ John took a deep breath, because he and Ronon had never really talked about what exactly their relationship was. ‘Because even though I love you, we’re not a couple?’

‘And I love you, but yeah, were not a couple, we’re two people who love each other and fuck sometimes. Your people might call it _fuck buddies_ , but I don’t much like that. What my people say is closer to _fuck brothers_ , but I’m guessing that’s weird for you.’

‘Fuck brothers, huh? I dunno, that kind of fits. Like, we’re family, but not romantically attached, despite the sex-having.’

‘You got it. Exactly. But I think you’d be a good parent, John.’

Finally, John understood what Ronon was saying. ‘Ronon, are you asking me to co-parent?’

‘Yeah.’ Ronon’s face was a picture of tentative hope.

‘Wow, buddy, I’d be honoured.’ John’s heart suddenly felt too big in his chest, the sheer joy he felt was almost painful.

‘Think about it, maybe we can talk tonight? It’s not something I can ask Evan, so it would be just you and me, even though he and I are more . . .’

‘It’s okay, I understand. I’ll think about it, but my heart says yes.’

Ronon stepped up close to John and wrapped him in a bear hug, then kissed him breathless. ‘We’ll talk more tonight, yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ And then John remembered he had plans. ‘Shit, no, I can’t tonight. I have a date.’

‘You have a date?’ Ronon was grinning. It had been a long time since John had done that.

‘Yeah. Don’t want to say much just yet. Someone I’m really into, but I don’t know how it’ll go.’ John’s heart did flip-flops as he said this, knowing he was venturing into risky territory.

‘Hey, I hope it goes good.’

‘Me too, buddy, me too.’

***

John spent a ridiculous amount of time preparing for his date, all the while his head was swirling with excitement about the possibility of dating again alongside Ronon’s proposal, and the chance of being a parent. 

John didn’t do so well when presented with the possibility of getting what he wanted. Too many losses and disappointments made good fortune suspect. For many years, he’d thought that what you got was what you deserved. Lately he’d realised that was ridiculous. His father had been an asshole but had more than one man could ever need.

No, there was no point in asking himself if he deserved any of what was slowly offering itself up to him. There was probably no point even wondering if he was ready for such things, because nobody ever really could be. Relationships were hard, and parenting was even harder. But ready or not, he knew what he wanted.

It was simply the danger of wanting something so badly it made his heart flutter in his chest that he was finding hard to handle, and he wasn’t sure if the upcoming date or Ronon’s proposal to co-parent were winning on that score.

He pulled on his best shirt, and the jeans that hugged him just right. He trimmed his beard and even tried to straighten his hair. As he looked into the mirror, he saw this over forty-year-old guy staring back, a little jaded, a tiny bit wise, but mostly the same fool he’d always been.

‘Be careful, Sheppard,’ he said to his reflection.

They met in the park. It was early evening, on a warm night, and the trellises of red blossoms had a honey smell that lingered in the air. It was a ridiculously romantic place to meet. 

John spotted his date sitting on a bench, looking as nervous as he felt. John’s heart jumped, and he recognised it was from pure, unadulterated joy. His face lit up in a smile he couldn’t contain as his date stood up and stepped towards him, looking every bit as pleased as John felt.

‘Hi,’ John extended his hand and shook his date’s with a playful smirk, ‘John Sheppard, PhD, ADHD, queer and kinky as fuck, needy sub, fairy and entirely comfortable with _all_ of that,’ he said, watching the grin spread across Mer’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to
> 
> [Salchat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salchat/pseuds/Salchat)
> 
> for another beautiful illustration of this final chapter
> 
> <https://archiveofourown.org/works/27489799/chapters/67635508>

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Fanart for 'Awakenings'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27489799) by [Salchat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salchat/pseuds/Salchat)




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